RedBaron5

I was with my AXGF for 2 years, first year was great, 2nd year, she was active, and it was hell, I tried to help her as much as I could, codependency at its finest, Before I knew she was using I helped pay her back rent and she promised to pay me back, she promised to pay me back for this, for that, everything, manipulation at its finest. I was a sucker, but i believed she would pay me back, obviously once i realized she was active i stopped giving her money, but that was after I spent about 10k fixing her BS. She went off to rehab and promised she would come back and be the girlfriend I always deserved. She promised she loved me and was not just using me. I went to visit her two states away dozens of times. IN rehab she was banging some guy behind my back and bragging about it, then I find out and of course she is so apologetic saying she only wants me ect ect ect... quack, quack, quack. Now she still sends me texts saying how much she loves me and wants to come home, but I know she is sleeping with ANOTHER different guy behind my back. So my question is simple, she was in wardrobe and has a substantial collection of vintage clothes at our house, Why should I not sell these items to re cooperate what she owes me? Please explain to me logically why this would be wrong, after she took advantage of me, manipulated me, cheated on me, and stole from me. I Understand I put myself in that situation, and I am removing myself from it quickly, but want to do it with 10,000 extra dollars in my pocket. I do suffer from (or have been blessed with) Aspergers and mild Narracism, this is why I am asking unbiased parties, who have been through my situation, why this would be an incorrect, or correct, course of action. I will take your considerations seriously. BTW, I want to talk about this morally, not legally, legally I have asked her to take the stuff for over 6 months, repeatedly, and it is considered abandoned property according to my state laws.

rsk

This is just MY opinion...

I wouldn't sell anything. I say this not because I am even considering your ex but because when I place myself in your situation, I know that adding anything else to make me feel guilty would just make everything harder. Walking away and shutting that door is tough, there is no need to add to the guilt/pain/shame. When you really love someone and do or say things out of your character, it can be haunting.

I'm sure you worked hard for that money but it is nothing compared to sustaining a healthy life...both physically and mentally. Keep moving ahead. You are already in a better place.

-RSK

soberlicious

Legally, since the property has been abandoned, it now belongs to you. I would not have a moral problem selling the items to recoup some of the money from the good faith loan. The items need to be disposed of in some way, as they only serve as a tie to her. But I wouldn't discuss it with her, I would cut contact and move on. Just me...

RedBaron5

I just feel that selling it will help me move on, she wont be indebted to me anymore, I wont have to think about her. Don't get me wrong, she is in contact with me everyday and says she will be coming home to live here again, but I know that **** isn't going to fly because of the infidelity. She manipulated me in sooo many ways, I was naive, part of me wants revenge, to show her the way she treats people has repercussion. I really just don't know if I should block her number and sell the stuff, Sell the stuff and tell her I did it. I huge part of my is sucumming to the "She hurt me, so I want to hurt her back" Believe me, If i did it, and she found out, she would be devastated, its a lifetimes worth of stuff, but no more devastated as I would be when I found out she cheated on me.

Lily1918

think of yourself as a pawn shop IMO. what do they do? they keep the collateral, then sell it.

YearForMe

I say....

Sell it
Block her
Don't tell her anything
Move on

soberlicious

I understand. Just be aware that you may not get the satisfaction you desire. Her hurt will not equalize yours, you will just both have a lot of hurt. No amount of hurting her will make your pain less. An "eye for an eye" is really only a good idea on paper most of the time.

That said, I still see no moral issue with selling property that is legally yours.

Sometimes when I don't know what to do...I do nothing, until I feel more certain about what to do.

EnglishGarden

You freely and lovingly spent $10,000 on your ex-addict girlfriend. That was your money to spend and no one coerced you to spend it. It was your choice to spend the money. And when she did not get well and become the "girlfriend you wanted her to be", you feel she has robbed you.

She did not rob you. You spent the money. You did not get what you hoped it would buy. And that is no one's consequence to experience but your own.

The vintage clothes belong to her. I would pack them up and send them off to her. I would pay the shipping.

Some people recommend putting the addict's belongings in plastic bags on the porch for pickup and then if the addict doesn't come by, just giving the items away. But I would ship them. I like good karma.

If these vintage items are worth $10,000, I do not think you are the person who should profit from them. She doesn't owe you anything.

Send them to her. Or donate them to charity.

EnnuiStasis

Maybe your reasoning for selling it (or not) is what you need to figure out. Do you want to recoup the money, or do you want to hurt her? (Maybe some of both.)

In my divorce, all my personal property and furniture I bought before I got married, and of course all my children's belongings were court ordered back to me--and my wedding dress. There was a little bit of complication in the mix because I had a restraining order against him, but we could have made arrangements for my property to be restored to me. (I didn't cheat on him or owe him money--it was actually the opposite.) When I pressed to get my belongings I was told 1) it was in storage 2) it had been sold 3) he needed it 4) he was going to burn everything 5) gave it to his girlfriend etc. ad nauseum. I'm pretty sure he kept the furniture, sold the valuable items and threw out all my children's things. It's been nine years and I still feel a nasty bitterness toward him that I struggle to root out. Of course there's a lot more to it than the belongings, but that was sort of the icing on the poop cake.

The thing is, even if you have a court order to get your property from someone else, unless it's very expensive things or you have more money than you know what to do with... it's not financially (or emotionally) worth the legal battle to try to make it happen if the other party doesn't cooperate.

All that said, if the property is considered legally abandoned, you can do with it as you will.

soberlicious

Well, I guess we all read things differently. From how I read the OP, that's not how it went down. The money was to be paid back. Given his asperger's, it's possible it was harder for him to detect manipulation.

EnglishGarden

Soberlicious, you are right. I missed the information about the promises to pay back the OP.

Even with that in mind, though, I have to say I don't believe I'd choose to profit from the clothing. It just doesn't feel clean.

oooopps

you've asked her to take the stuff for over 6 months?
the money you've spent on her were meant to be loans and she defaulted?

this is simple... sell it so you can recover restitution for your losses and move your life forward.

if she were to keep these things at a storage and didnt pay her storage fees for 6 months, that's what the storage place would do too.

I kindly disagree with EnglishGarden. Selling the things, you would not be "profiting" from anything. You would be recovering for losses from her failure to fulfill her obligation/promise to repay you.

LoveMeNow

IMO, Doing nothing right now is still an option. Making sure your motives are sincere and it's really about the money you are owed before you do anything is important.

If you are doing it to "pay her back" - I say take the high road and send them back to her and close this chapter of your life with the lessons learned.

Taking5

If you sell it for more than $10k you probably legally have to pay her the profit, less reasonable storage fees. But yeah if it is really abandoned property than I'd sell it.

RedBaron5

She is still actively manipulating me, saying she is going to come home and live a life with me, telling me I am still the love of her life, ect ect.. I just know she is once again cheating behind my back, so her words are meaningless to me, but from HER point of view, I am a loving boyfriend who is keeping her stuff safe for her until she comes home (which she ultimately probably will not)

There are no contracts or promissary notes, it was just a relationship "ill pay you back" agreement between two people in. but she did actively say she would repay me, not as a joke. "love"

Yes I kind of do want to sell it all because I know she is still actively manipulating me, using me, leading me on false pretenses, is not in recovery, and will ultimately never be coming home, and never repay me.

h00ped

While you're 100% justified in being angry at her for the broken promises and infidelity, and selling the clothing could put $10K back in your pocket, it's worth your time to work through the vengeful feelings. I don't fully believe in forgiveness unless someone is repentant and coming to you for forgiveness - but holding on to the negative feelings will also have a chemical/physical affect on your body and can impact your mental health in the long run, something worth a lot more than money.

So regardless of what you decide to do in this situation, just make sure you're taking care of yourself. The feelings are all valid, but they don't have to be the poison you drink every day that doesn't hurt her one bit, but can consume you.

laurie6781

(((((RedBaron)))))

Every response on this thread is a GREAT one, for both Pro and Con when it
comes to selling the clothes.

Only you can ultimately decide which it will be.

We hear in Alanon and AA ALL the time:

"Check your motives."

If need be, do a "Pro and Con" list about your motives, both the negative
and the positive. That should help you make your decision.

I do believe telling her in a BUSINESSLIKE way is called for, ie:

"You have a debt with me of $10,250.0 (make it the exact amount). Unless
you have an alternative plan to repay me by midnight 4/30/2013, I will
be listing your clothes on Ebay on 5/1/2012 to recoup the money
you owe me."

No reason to engage in any conversations and/or text messages after
saying this to her. Ignore all the text messages unless she has a
valid plan in one of them for repayment. Then you can respond with
something like:

"That will be fine, but know if you are late by even one day on one
payment, the clothes will be will be put on Ebay for sale to highest
bidder."

The above, of course, only after you have checked your motives.

I do understand your dilemma, because should you decide to sell her
items, you know consciously or subconsciously that this action will
true ring the death toll on this relationship, even though by her cheating
and still saying 'she loves you' it died a long time ago with her
manipulations.

Keep posting as we do care so very much about each other here, keep
reading, if you are going to Alanon please continue, and if you are in
therapy please discuss this with your counselor.

Love and hugs,

DJ0822

Sounds to me like you are really hurting and are angry. Can't say I blame you. But only you can resolve those issues within yourself. Why are you still allowing her to make daily contact, thereby continuing the madness? Whether you are validated or not in selling the property, I think the bigger issue is determining how/when you will actively proclaim "it's over," and not do passive-aggressive things like selling her stuff because that really is revenge. If you are honest with yourself and really were done with this, you really wouldn't care about that stuff. It wouldn't carry such an emotional toll. It would just be a "how do I get rid of this?"decision.

Kindeyes

I loved Laurie's response. Ultimately it doesn't matter what any of us think you should or shouldn't do. What really matters is what you think and what you can live with.....without regret.

gentle hugs
ke

Hanna

Laurie6781 has great advice as does everyone else here.

I think you are hesitating for a reason and it is good you are thinking this through.

If your intention is to hurt her, I say stop there and choose another course of action.
She has obviously hurt you deeply but this is from lack of consideration probably caused by addiction. It is not intentional. If you do something intentionally to hurt her, can you live with that? For me it would take a long time to forgive myself for knowingly causing someone pain.

Also, did you have the kind of emotional attachment to your money that she has to her costumes? They are irreplaceable, whereas the money is not.

Lastly, if you do sell them, will that make the two of you even? Be proper payment for your pain? It won't, I suspect.

If this was only about money I would say it is an acceptable course of action. But because it is not, I think you would regret it later.