Chaos at the speed of lightening
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Chaos at the speed of lightening
I am amazed that all it seems to take is for xah to be with our kids for less than 5 minutes and the world turns upside down for everyone. The phone is ringing at work for me, children are screaming at me, xah is acting all innocent (but what he has actually done is told the kids some ridiculous lie about me). Then he sits back and watches. He even likes to add fuel to the fire if it is not hot enough. He is a sick, sick man. And he is not even drunk right now. He thrives on chaos. He thrives on my children screaming at me for no reason (beause that is what he does). He thrives on anger and hurt and fear. He is insane.
There goes my cell phone
When I meet the kids at therapy in an hour, all of us will need it but the one who needs it the most will get in his car and drive away.
There goes my cell phone
When I meet the kids at therapy in an hour, all of us will need it but the one who needs it the most will get in his car and drive away.
Sending you some strength. Hang in there.
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Babe, this rocked my world in how much it resounded with me:
Yup. *sigh* Keep breathing. Keep providing those kiddos with a healthy home. Keep trusting that what you do for them is enough.
all it seems to take is for xah to be with our kids for less than 5 minutes and the world turns upside down for everyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Urgh the immaturity and chaos that comes from our addicts is mind blowing.
Do you have any choice in whether he sees the kids or not? I bet at this point it would feel so nice to just say goodbye for good. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but is there any way to explain to them that if he says something about you that he is sick and likes to make up stories? (maybe worded different depending on their ages).
I'm glad you all go to therapy and will have the chance for everyone to express their feelings about what happened. It sounds to me that you need to book a nice spa day with a mani pedi and massage after all this!
Do you have any choice in whether he sees the kids or not? I bet at this point it would feel so nice to just say goodbye for good. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but is there any way to explain to them that if he says something about you that he is sick and likes to make up stories? (maybe worded different depending on their ages).
I'm glad you all go to therapy and will have the chance for everyone to express their feelings about what happened. It sounds to me that you need to book a nice spa day with a mani pedi and massage after all this!
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First I am sorry I am here and then gone. Life is sort of chaotic right now and I have primary placement of the kids. Just changed my schedule so I have more time after work to be with them but it makes my sleep time cut off and I am toast by the time I would get on the computer.
Maylie-my kids are 8 and 12. My 12 year old is in a constant state of flux because what he hears from his dad does not jive with what he sees at home. Both my kids have attachment disorder (long story, but both were adopted from Russia when they were about 1 year old-which in many ways makes what xah is doing even more heinous). My 8 year old is much healthier than my 12 year old who has serious abandonment issue. The one thing my 12 year old is solid on is that I will love him-regardless of (fill in the blank). But my 12 year old is now coming home and repeating what his dad says. It is hard. It has sent me to the bathroom after they have gone to bed weeping. It crushes my heart because he and I have worked so hard to get him to where he is now which is so far from where he was. He is not all the way there but definitely well on his way. He has walked through glass to get to where he is at. He has been in therapy for 7 years.
But after a talk with both my sisters this weekend (they thought about it a lot too)--their thoughts are my 12 year old does know deep in his heart I will never leave him and I will always love him. He goes to his dad's house, hears terrible things about me and gets really confused because who should he believe. He knows his dad can go off for any reason. He gets angry and cannot take that anger out on his dad because then maybe his dad will not love him anymore. He is a boy who is 12 and wants to be with his dad and wants his dad to love him. His mom who on the exterior seems to be able to take anything anyone can throw at her-well maybe she can take my anger. So I am the receptacle.
So he throws it at me. This is not 12 year old anger of a child of divorce and of an alcoholic parent. This is pure rage. He is on medication to help slow down that fight or flight process that takes place in all of us when we need it. His is about 100 times faster than ours and takes about 45 minutes to go back to where it was. I really need to talk to my therapist on how to deal with this because it is exhausting and like with an alcoholic--there is no reason to try to refute what my 12 year old is saying because he is raging and cannot hear anything. All I can do is remain calm, remain quiet and let him rage. Then in a day and a moment of quiet let him know I love him and try to get him to see (on his own) that what he is doing is not a good way to deal with his emotions and help him to find a way to do it in a healthy way. It is a battle I thought we had won. But when his dad starts the bs again we start the process over again. I cannot say what your dad is doing is wrong because I cannot and will not bad mouth his dad. Not good for him. I am the big person and he needs one sane parent (although there are days I question my sanity
)
There is little to nothing I can do via the court system. Xah is a smooth talker and a church musician so of course comes across as the most honest person on the planet when he is in public. No one believes me. I am the crazy person. People who have been exposed to his poison know he is what he is--but the rest of the world sees him as a dad who is just struggling to get by financially and wants to see his kids and I am the b--- who is preventing it. I live in a no fault state so there is nothing on the record about his alcohol, drug use or verbal abuse and bullying.
Maylie-my kids are 8 and 12. My 12 year old is in a constant state of flux because what he hears from his dad does not jive with what he sees at home. Both my kids have attachment disorder (long story, but both were adopted from Russia when they were about 1 year old-which in many ways makes what xah is doing even more heinous). My 8 year old is much healthier than my 12 year old who has serious abandonment issue. The one thing my 12 year old is solid on is that I will love him-regardless of (fill in the blank). But my 12 year old is now coming home and repeating what his dad says. It is hard. It has sent me to the bathroom after they have gone to bed weeping. It crushes my heart because he and I have worked so hard to get him to where he is now which is so far from where he was. He is not all the way there but definitely well on his way. He has walked through glass to get to where he is at. He has been in therapy for 7 years.
But after a talk with both my sisters this weekend (they thought about it a lot too)--their thoughts are my 12 year old does know deep in his heart I will never leave him and I will always love him. He goes to his dad's house, hears terrible things about me and gets really confused because who should he believe. He knows his dad can go off for any reason. He gets angry and cannot take that anger out on his dad because then maybe his dad will not love him anymore. He is a boy who is 12 and wants to be with his dad and wants his dad to love him. His mom who on the exterior seems to be able to take anything anyone can throw at her-well maybe she can take my anger. So I am the receptacle.
So he throws it at me. This is not 12 year old anger of a child of divorce and of an alcoholic parent. This is pure rage. He is on medication to help slow down that fight or flight process that takes place in all of us when we need it. His is about 100 times faster than ours and takes about 45 minutes to go back to where it was. I really need to talk to my therapist on how to deal with this because it is exhausting and like with an alcoholic--there is no reason to try to refute what my 12 year old is saying because he is raging and cannot hear anything. All I can do is remain calm, remain quiet and let him rage. Then in a day and a moment of quiet let him know I love him and try to get him to see (on his own) that what he is doing is not a good way to deal with his emotions and help him to find a way to do it in a healthy way. It is a battle I thought we had won. But when his dad starts the bs again we start the process over again. I cannot say what your dad is doing is wrong because I cannot and will not bad mouth his dad. Not good for him. I am the big person and he needs one sane parent (although there are days I question my sanity
)There is little to nothing I can do via the court system. Xah is a smooth talker and a church musician so of course comes across as the most honest person on the planet when he is in public. No one believes me. I am the crazy person. People who have been exposed to his poison know he is what he is--but the rest of the world sees him as a dad who is just struggling to get by financially and wants to see his kids and I am the b--- who is preventing it. I live in a no fault state so there is nothing on the record about his alcohol, drug use or verbal abuse and bullying.
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I've noticed that children tend to take it out on the parent that they KNOW loves them. My daughter has done it to me over the years. I pointed it out to her recently (she is now 22 yrs old) and she blushed a little and said "I know mom, but my relationship with you is so much stronger than it is with him".
You have a lot going on; a lot of different factors to take into consideration. I am sure your therapist with have the best insight for you. God bless you.
You have a lot going on; a lot of different factors to take into consideration. I am sure your therapist with have the best insight for you. God bless you.
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Originally Posted by ReflectingOnMe 
I've noticed that children tend to take it out on the parent that they KNOW loves them. My daughter has done it to me over the years. .
And, I spend much more time with him one-on-one with him than she does. And I love him more than anything...
I'm sad...
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OhioDad-I guess none of us are cookie cutters of anyone else.
I am not sure that it is a bad thing your son is not giving you grief--be happy. The structure and love you are giving your son is what he needs. If he is getting chaos with AW then that might be what he is giving her back. You are the safe and loving place and he seems to know that. Sounds good to me!
My son is much older. He is more aware and able to make decisions on his own. Interestingly he has been home really sick for 2 days and he is so happy to be home and not at his Dad's because he knows his Dad is not capable of taking care of him. The first words out of his mouth this morning were I love you mom. The parent child relationship is pretty complicated. I think sometimes my son does what I did at his age--takes over the role of being the parent when he is with his Dad. At my house he gets to be a kid. Not always an easy transition I would guess.
I am not sure that it is a bad thing your son is not giving you grief--be happy. The structure and love you are giving your son is what he needs. If he is getting chaos with AW then that might be what he is giving her back. You are the safe and loving place and he seems to know that. Sounds good to me!
My son is much older. He is more aware and able to make decisions on his own. Interestingly he has been home really sick for 2 days and he is so happy to be home and not at his Dad's because he knows his Dad is not capable of taking care of him. The first words out of his mouth this morning were I love you mom. The parent child relationship is pretty complicated. I think sometimes my son does what I did at his age--takes over the role of being the parent when he is with his Dad. At my house he gets to be a kid. Not always an easy transition I would guess.
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