Lily1918

I am a codependent. I have admitted the nature of my wrongs and want to post them here.

I have used my BF and his "love" of me to define my self worth.
I rescued him when he was kicked out of the sober house for failing a drug test
I have blown up his phone many a night when I knew he was using
I have knowingly allowed him to use in my presence, and in my home because he was "tapering off"
I have set boundaries for relapse, only to break them, sometimes within the same hour
I have given him money for drugs because I didn't want him to steal
I have jumped into the dopehouse because I wanted to see for myself if these people were really all that bad. they were. I got a black eye to show for it.
I let him stay here while he waited for a bed at rehab
I "helped" home detox. otc meds, hot baths, changed sheets, did his laundry, made sure had food. all because I wanted to make detox more comfortable.
I chose to spend my time helping him detox instead of spending time with the children.
I have lied for him
I have helped to paint the picture of "the golden boy" of him in our churches
I have not broken up with him for using, lying and stealing
I have made him dinner over and over
I have cried and screamed and fought with him about using time and again
I have and still do cling to who he was in recovery when we first started dating when he had been a "year clean"
I have blamed myself because his first relapse came in a year once we started dating
I have pretended to believe his lies
I have allowed him to be around the children when my gut told me not to
I dwell in the hope that this time he will stay clean like he was when I met him.
I have defended him to everyone all in the name pf "love"
I have lived in denial of all of these things and my contribution to the problem.
I have blamed his parents and grandparents for his addiction.
I have not had faith in god that he can work a miracle in my recovery, I have been too worried praying for the miracle he needs.
I neglected my bible reading and time with the lord to hang out with someone who was dancing with the devil.
I have allowed the devil into my thoughts and believed that god could not help me, that god does not care or love me, and that Jesus did not truly care about my pain and loneliness and downright despair.
I am sure there is more...

thanks for reading. :ghug3

constantlylearn

Congratulations to you! Love it. Hugs

NoelleR

I don't want to start a debate here, but hey wht the heck....As I read your list it seemed more a list of your wrongs, not the nature of your wrongs....

The nature of one's wrongs was explained to me as not a list of what one stole, or a list of one's lies, but that the person was a thief and a liar.....I could be wrong though; things coulda changed since then.

(o:
NoelleR

Lily1918

this is true.
that's how I started. I began with "I am an enabler" and my sponsor said ok. good. but that is a very general statement. Now, how are you the enabler? what was the exact nature of your enabling? paint a picture of it for me. list out as many of your enabling behaviors you can think of, because all of us enable differently according to our own personalities. how can you stop being in that role if you don't see the exact nature of your wrongful helping and fixing in detail. so that's what I did.

lightseeker

my sponsor helped me a lot with this. One of the things she said when I started step 1 was to list everything that I was powerless over....and then the 2nd part of the step was to then list all of the ways that I had made my life unmanageable trying to exert power over the powerless. I was definitely an enabler and it was important to look at the impact that had on my life.

The list from the "unmanageable" area looked a whole lot like your list. It's humbling to take a look at all the things I (we) did to try and make sense/order of a crazy situation.

As I progressed to step 4 I was able to write down ALL of my resentments and then go back and look at my part in it all. From there I was able to really look at the 5th step and what were (are) the nature of my wrongs....for me, my 5th step was to admit the ways that I deluded myself, made up that things were ok when they weren't, ways I wanted to preserve my self-image, things that I coveted - and not necessarily specific ways that things were unmanageable.

For the 6th and 7th steps I knew that if I gave up "actions" then nothing had really changed....what I needed to give up were the character defects that led me to those unhealthy and unmanageable actions.

I STILL have to go back to step 1 on a regular basis....it's only after I do that, nourish and support myself with the 2nd and 3rd steps that the next steps take me to where I need to go.

When I finally made that list that is so similar to your posting I had it down in black and white.....I had a problem. Over and above anything thing tht my ex had. I had turned into a very poor decision maker that was way out of control and exposed my children to many things that I still regret and pay the consequences for.

Hugs.....thank heavens there are steps that lead the way to a better place.

Kindeyes

I found that acknowledging specific actions was the best way for me to begin to correct them. And facing the truth of it helped me to forgive myself. There is a resounding truth in facing our own participation in events....it is that truth that sets us free.

That's a great list Lily. Many of those types of behaviors were on my own list.

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

thanks... it's hard, Im gonna be stuck on 4 and 5 for awhile I think. they are so scary and hard to face... denial and generalization are so much easier