No Contact: Almost 4 weeks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
No Contact: Almost 4 weeks
For the last few days I have been battling. Battling with my own demons. Feeling flat and sad and don't even really know why. H called yesterday. I didn't know it was him. I answered. I listened. Sounds just like my 'old friend' from 15 years ago. I don't even miss him. Realise that the person I 'miss' is not even there and probably never was. An illusion? I don't know? Just feeling confused. Feeling such a sense of loss. A loss of time. I am nearly 40 and feel angry and confused with all my emotions... feel I have allowed the 'best' years of my life slip by. Up and till a few days ago I was feeling 'empowered ' and positive. Getting on with my life. But I don't feel like that anymore. This was not the plan I had for my life. I know it is all in God's hands - but I feel I am just floating along - doing things, going through the motions - but not really with any choice in the matter. Yes, I could 'chose' to contact H again. So I do have a choice - but then what would that bring into my life? Lies again; false dreams; shattered hopes; the highs and the dreadful lows;
I think I am angry (what a useless emotion) - angry that the 'illusion' of something I 'believed' in for so long - is laughing at me. So I don't have a choice really - I feel I am being 'forced' to go 'no contact'. It still doesn't feel 'natural'. I am still not comfortable with it yet. I don't feel that 'calm' I felt 1o days or so ago.... I suppose I am just not comfortable with myself. And I am feeling so terribly lonely. I have good friends, but feel I can't really relate at the moment to their lives. And I don't really want to share my thoughts... so I put on the show. And I suppose I am just tired..... anyway!
I think I am angry (what a useless emotion) - angry that the 'illusion' of something I 'believed' in for so long - is laughing at me. So I don't have a choice really - I feel I am being 'forced' to go 'no contact'. It still doesn't feel 'natural'. I am still not comfortable with it yet. I don't feel that 'calm' I felt 1o days or so ago.... I suppose I am just not comfortable with myself. And I am feeling so terribly lonely. I have good friends, but feel I can't really relate at the moment to their lives. And I don't really want to share my thoughts... so I put on the show. And I suppose I am just tired..... anyway!
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Lara, I think you are doing so well. It may feel that your best years are past, but at 40, they are just beginning. Giving this relationship up at 40 is a whole lot better than doing it at 50.
It is normal to experience anger and you should give it some space to express itself within you.
As far as putting on a show, it is strange, I was thinking this week how much better life would be if we could express ourselves more honestly at all times, rather than putting on the "brave happy face". Maybe depression would be a lot less.
It is normal to experience anger and you should give it some space to express itself within you.
As far as putting on a show, it is strange, I was thinking this week how much better life would be if we could express ourselves more honestly at all times, rather than putting on the "brave happy face". Maybe depression would be a lot less.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Lara - what you are describing sounds like classic signs of proceeding through the "stages of grief". Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and it is a process that just takes time. You will go thru these stages, advancing and regressing at times, but in the end I believe you will leave your regrets behind you and put the relationship in its proper place....as a gift of learning and growth...and you will eventually feel gratitude. Just keep taking care of yourself and trusting your inner voice. It won't feel like this forever. I promise.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Hi Lara,
I can really relate to your feeling you have to put on a show and go through the motions and hide who you really are from your friends right now.
I think that my grieving my exrabf is so complex that even my dearest friends would not understand why it is taking me so long to heal up. They think I'm fine. But I still struggle, and it is a bit over two years now since he and I parted ways. I still think of him often and many mornings when I wake up I feel cold inside and he is in my head. It is very complex.
We just cannot always understand or explain why someone has so much more impact on us than other people have. It is a fairly easy leap to follow the trail of "emotionally unavailable consistently disappointing traumatizing lover" to "rejecting father." But I think that even if that leap is true (my father was not there for me and died when I was 13. I think your father also abandoned you?), even if all the mental health textbooks "explain" the "trauma bond", there are so many layers to these relationships that no one on the outside can ever understand. There is so much mystery in this world. There is another plane of existence altogether, I believe, where souls dwell, and maybe you even knew H there, before, before this life. You cannot know. All I mean to say is that you trying to carry on and be well and strong and "no contact" and "recovering" and "holding the line" may be so very much harder in your situation than someone else who has had to separate from an addict. Given your 15 years with H and the layers of memories in your brain, the emotional code in your body related to H, and even your basic identity you have formed which has always included H as part of that....I don't know how you could feel any other way right now than set adrift.
And we all like to feel secure and have some sense of what our future holds. You thought your future and H's future were intertwined, a year ago, right? So there is nothing there in your vision for the future, right now, which offers a foundation, and maybe that generates a kind of despair and fear in you that all will not be well. Everyone needs a secure foundation and when it is suddenly dissolved from beneath us, we rightly feel anxious and lost.
And the loneliness. When we have been involved with someone for a long time--for you, 15 years is quite long because that means you met H when you were in your mid-20's, so your adult life as you know it has been formed and developed with H as a central figure--when we are so accustomed to having a partner, even one who might live elsewhere as I think has been so for you and H at times, we are quite lost when suddenly it is only just us. Just the one. No longer "our plans". No longer even any plans at all, for this is a period of wilderness, when the partner has gone. You have a child, but your role as a mother does not substitute for your life as a partner to someone as you have been to H. You are alone and you feel it.
And some people need to have a partner. Some people are unhappy without a partner and I think that is who they are and they should be accepted. Western culture has generated all sorts of myths about how people should be happy solo. But in my opinion, there are some people who are wired to be partnered. Not because they are sick or needy. But because that is how they thrive. And if for some reason they find themselves living a solitary life, it is damned painful for them, for they are not made for it. They do the best they can. But they know they are not fulfilled. They are meant to be partnered and they know it.
So Lara, I do not expect you to be serene or at peace or self-assured at this time, and hope you will not judge yourself for your loneliness, depression, and regret. You did not waste 15 years of your life. What you wish perhaps is that you had made choices in the past which would have guaranteed the absence of loneliness and emotional pain at any point in the future. Maybe chosen the right guy and avoided all that you are feeling today.
But Lara, whether we are 25 or 45 or 65, we cannot foretell who the other person will be in two or ten or twenty years. And so many people have experienced tremendous pain and loss because the wheel of life kept turning, and as it did, their partners turned with it and became entirely someone new. This is the risk of love.
No matter how your story with H resolves or when, it is so important that you realize it IS an IMPORTANT story in your life, and that it is all right to fully feel the impact of what it has meant to you.
So let us see, with you, what unfolds. We are here while you find your way.
I can really relate to your feeling you have to put on a show and go through the motions and hide who you really are from your friends right now.
I think that my grieving my exrabf is so complex that even my dearest friends would not understand why it is taking me so long to heal up. They think I'm fine. But I still struggle, and it is a bit over two years now since he and I parted ways. I still think of him often and many mornings when I wake up I feel cold inside and he is in my head. It is very complex.
We just cannot always understand or explain why someone has so much more impact on us than other people have. It is a fairly easy leap to follow the trail of "emotionally unavailable consistently disappointing traumatizing lover" to "rejecting father." But I think that even if that leap is true (my father was not there for me and died when I was 13. I think your father also abandoned you?), even if all the mental health textbooks "explain" the "trauma bond", there are so many layers to these relationships that no one on the outside can ever understand. There is so much mystery in this world. There is another plane of existence altogether, I believe, where souls dwell, and maybe you even knew H there, before, before this life. You cannot know. All I mean to say is that you trying to carry on and be well and strong and "no contact" and "recovering" and "holding the line" may be so very much harder in your situation than someone else who has had to separate from an addict. Given your 15 years with H and the layers of memories in your brain, the emotional code in your body related to H, and even your basic identity you have formed which has always included H as part of that....I don't know how you could feel any other way right now than set adrift.
And we all like to feel secure and have some sense of what our future holds. You thought your future and H's future were intertwined, a year ago, right? So there is nothing there in your vision for the future, right now, which offers a foundation, and maybe that generates a kind of despair and fear in you that all will not be well. Everyone needs a secure foundation and when it is suddenly dissolved from beneath us, we rightly feel anxious and lost.
And the loneliness. When we have been involved with someone for a long time--for you, 15 years is quite long because that means you met H when you were in your mid-20's, so your adult life as you know it has been formed and developed with H as a central figure--when we are so accustomed to having a partner, even one who might live elsewhere as I think has been so for you and H at times, we are quite lost when suddenly it is only just us. Just the one. No longer "our plans". No longer even any plans at all, for this is a period of wilderness, when the partner has gone. You have a child, but your role as a mother does not substitute for your life as a partner to someone as you have been to H. You are alone and you feel it.
And some people need to have a partner. Some people are unhappy without a partner and I think that is who they are and they should be accepted. Western culture has generated all sorts of myths about how people should be happy solo. But in my opinion, there are some people who are wired to be partnered. Not because they are sick or needy. But because that is how they thrive. And if for some reason they find themselves living a solitary life, it is damned painful for them, for they are not made for it. They do the best they can. But they know they are not fulfilled. They are meant to be partnered and they know it.
So Lara, I do not expect you to be serene or at peace or self-assured at this time, and hope you will not judge yourself for your loneliness, depression, and regret. You did not waste 15 years of your life. What you wish perhaps is that you had made choices in the past which would have guaranteed the absence of loneliness and emotional pain at any point in the future. Maybe chosen the right guy and avoided all that you are feeling today.
But Lara, whether we are 25 or 45 or 65, we cannot foretell who the other person will be in two or ten or twenty years. And so many people have experienced tremendous pain and loss because the wheel of life kept turning, and as it did, their partners turned with it and became entirely someone new. This is the risk of love.
No matter how your story with H resolves or when, it is so important that you realize it IS an IMPORTANT story in your life, and that it is all right to fully feel the impact of what it has meant to you.
So let us see, with you, what unfolds. We are here while you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Lara, I am proud of you! This isn't easy.
I would put my son to bed every night and then cry. I was angry (it comes and goes). I couldn't beleive this was myt life. That this happened to me. We were suppose to be together forever. It was a shock. It was beyond painful YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
You will have your ups and downs. LET YOURSELF FEEL...which you are. Exercise, eat right. Try some St. Johns wort tea. Surround yourself with good people. Journal. Try a new hobby.
I promise, it will be ok. This is coming from someone who lost their love of their life. I lost the one perosn on earth I thought i could trust. I still miss him, but it is different. I am still sad, but it is different. I am angry, but it is different.
I am almost 40 too. It's a number. Don't get caught up in that. Just keep on trucking!
AND, this book is kinda cheesey, BUT have you read THE Secret? It's pretty cool.
Keep your chin up! Only you can make you happy!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care
I would put my son to bed every night and then cry. I was angry (it comes and goes). I couldn't beleive this was myt life. That this happened to me. We were suppose to be together forever. It was a shock. It was beyond painful YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
You will have your ups and downs. LET YOURSELF FEEL...which you are. Exercise, eat right. Try some St. Johns wort tea. Surround yourself with good people. Journal. Try a new hobby.
I promise, it will be ok. This is coming from someone who lost their love of their life. I lost the one perosn on earth I thought i could trust. I still miss him, but it is different. I am still sad, but it is different. I am angry, but it is different.
I am almost 40 too. It's a number. Don't get caught up in that. Just keep on trucking!
AND, this book is kinda cheesey, BUT have you read THE Secret? It's pretty cool.
Keep your chin up! Only you can make you happy!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Lara you are so strong, even if at times it doesn't feel like it. I can relate to the saddness and feeling alone, but I would remind myself that when you are in a toxic realtionship with an A, the A was never capable of being a real partner. Sure, they were a body on the couch, and someone laying in the bed, but we weren't getting what we truely wanted to be happy.
As for feeling your best years have gone, I don't believe that for one bit. I have been told by others (I'm 22) that they think that those years (40+) are the years they truely became comfortable in their own skin. They start to do things they like, not worry about what everyone thinks, just live! I know right now it might feel like life is over, but given time you will do a huge turn around! I know it, anyone that is strong enough to leave after 14 years is capable of overcoming anything! -hugs-
Make sure you keep taking care of yourself. It gets easy to neglects ourselves when we feel depressed and loney, but do it anyway. I find when I am in a low mood I do my makeup and dress nice and before I know it I am feeling a little better.
Do you go to a therapist? It always helped me to go to a therapist and get it all out every week. It is difficult to talk to friends that just won't fully understand, so it is good to have a release every week where you can lay it all out there and get an outsider point of view without worrying that someone will tell someone and gossip will start.
Keep your chin up, good things will come
As for feeling your best years have gone, I don't believe that for one bit. I have been told by others (I'm 22) that they think that those years (40+) are the years they truely became comfortable in their own skin. They start to do things they like, not worry about what everyone thinks, just live! I know right now it might feel like life is over, but given time you will do a huge turn around! I know it, anyone that is strong enough to leave after 14 years is capable of overcoming anything! -hugs-
Make sure you keep taking care of yourself. It gets easy to neglects ourselves when we feel depressed and loney, but do it anyway. I find when I am in a low mood I do my makeup and dress nice and before I know it I am feeling a little better.
Do you go to a therapist? It always helped me to go to a therapist and get it all out every week. It is difficult to talk to friends that just won't fully understand, so it is good to have a release every week where you can lay it all out there and get an outsider point of view without worrying that someone will tell someone and gossip will start.
Keep your chin up, good things will come
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
So let us see, with you, what unfolds. We are here while you find your way.
Thank you so much Englishgarden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by story74
AND, this book is kinda cheesey, BUT have you read THE Secret? It's pretty cool.
Keep your chin up! Only you can make you happy!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care
Keep your chin up! Only you can make you happy!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It is unreasonable to think that we can just let go one day and all of the following days will be better. It just doesn't work that way. The pathway of processing all of the feelings is not necessarily easy. But if I look at my own process, I can see how I improved (and continue to improve). I got better at dealing with the emotions. I got better at realizing that "this" is how I feel right now but it isn't a permanent condition. Letting go is a process....not an event.
I agree with tjp.....it sounds very much like the process of grieving.
Identify your feelings, acknowledge them, let them be and let them move through you. Understand that when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT), you will be more susceptible to negative feelings.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
I agree with tjp.....it sounds very much like the process of grieving.
Identify your feelings, acknowledge them, let them be and let them move through you. Understand that when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT), you will be more susceptible to negative feelings.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Welland, Ontario
Posts: 53
Hi Lara, I usually post on the friends of alcoholics forum but your post and everybody's response to your thread brought tears to my eyes....i think you are being very strong Lara, 15 years in a very long time to be with someone that you truly loved and then to lose them, it would be virtually impossible for you to just go cold turkey and never miss them or want to reach out to them again. It is so true that for some unfathomable reason, some people are just harder to let go of...I am Catholic but I do believe that some souls were just meant to reconnect and when we reconnect we cannot let go of them....I hope that doesn't sound cheesey. Anyways, 2.5 years ago my husband (neither drinkier nor addict) left me for another woman and I had to deal with the pain of starting over as a single mom, and my future seemed very bleak indeed. The problem is I then reconnected with a guy from my past that I never had a relationship with but always yearned for (he was like my drug, in all the years I was married, I never forgot this guy) anyways this time around, he falls in love fast and hard and we began a very intense relationship, this man is the axbf....we stayed together for over a year and a half, and then exactly 3 months ago today, he abruptly ended it with me and has gone no contact...he didn't call once or text and everytime I reached out again, he barely responded to me.....anyways Lara what I'm trying to say is, it has been harder to get over him then it was to get over my husband....I still cry everyday, I miss him terribly, I still want to reach out to him and I cannot understand why? He was almost always drunk and was emotionally abusive when he was drunk, and yet I can't let him go....its been 3 months for me and I'm barely holding on, so please go easy on yourself, you will be okay, we are grieving our lost loves, it doesn't just go away.....feel free to pm me anytime you need to vent. Hugs to you Lara, and I pray for strength for us too
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, Lara. I hope you are feeling better today. My heart goes out to you, and I am sending wishes for better days ahead. You are strong and are to be commended; though, I imagine hearing that might not be real helpful right now. 
Maybe the best years of your life lie ahead. I'm over 10 years older than you and am happier than I've been in years; though, it's taken a lot of work, patience, and I'm sure some divine intervention.
Take care of you. Hugs.
Maybe the best years of your life lie ahead. I'm over 10 years older than you and am happier than I've been in years; though, it's taken a lot of work, patience, and I'm sure some divine intervention.
Take care of you. Hugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lara, I think you are feeling this way because you got a hit of your "DOC H." You were doing so well until you spoke to him. Sounds like he brings more pain and sadness then you may have been willing to admit.
Stay strong, stay NC and feel what you need to feel. Just a little 'relapse" - you can shake it off. We are walking with you in spirit. hugs!!
Stay strong, stay NC and feel what you need to feel. Just a little 'relapse" - you can shake it off. We are walking with you in spirit. hugs!!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Hi laura! I can so relate to many of the feelings and emotions you are experiencing right now! I can't tell you just where you are in the whole process of your recovery, your journey with your God! I can tell you what I learned and did! I too felt the confusion, frustration, loneliness and anger and much more! I spent 2 months of "no contact/contact" lol! What I mean is I sent texts and plenty of them with little to no response, to my ex! I expressed all my thoughts and feelings and emotions in those texts! I just did what I did! I don't know if it was right or wrong cause for me it was I guess what I needed to do or wanted to do! During that 2 month time I discovered somethings and had some real growth and awarenesses! Not telling you to do what I did just sharing my choice and what I did!
Anyways, after the contact grew less and less as far as texts I sent, I realized that I needed to cut all contact! And I did! That was for about a month and a half! When our son started having serious issues I called him in a desperate moment of despair! We have contact now but mainly about our kids! I learned how to express my frustration and anger in a much more healthy way! I have also had to learn how to stay true to myself! The communication now is me saying just what I need to, holding nothing back! Calling my ex on his stuff, that may not be what I should be doing but today it is what I feel I need to for me! The thought of going no contact at any given moment is always right there! If I need to put that boundry in place again because contact is affecting my mental, spiritual and emotional health I know how to do it and wont hesitate on bit!
I guess what I m trying to say is I had to be strong enough and healthy enough emotionally and spiritually to know when a situation or person is not healthy for me! I still love my ex and don't know just what the future holds for him or me! I have today and I have the courage, strength and wisdom to know what I need to do if someone or something is affecting me negatively! I don't stuff it or ignore it or pretend not to care about what I feel and what's going on inside of me! I listen I verbally express what I m feeling and take time to figure out why I feel this way!
I m just not afraid anymore! I don't really concern myself with outcomes or what ifs I just live! And let live! If someone does not like it that's their problem! They have a choice to! Don't talk to me or inter act with me! I also stop any and all "crap" that's not mine! I wont accept any of my ex's "finger pointing" I m at a place where I can think and act with my head not letting my heart rule me! I feel the balance I have today has allowed me the freedom to have some contact at least for today! Tomorrow may be different!?
I m still trying to figure out me and my journey but I know today I have choices. I have more balance, iam not ruled by fear and anger. If I start to feel off balance and loose my peace I can step back and regroup and evaluate what is going on! And do what I need to despite what anyone thinks! Take care of me maintain my well being! Sure I get angry and feel frustrated but I feel it right away and process it, express it as healthy as I can (still working on that one) lol! Then its gone! I don't have to feel guilty or bad for being human and having human emotions! I don't have to say sorry for standing up for myself, expressing myself, protecting myself.... I don't have to buy crap people are selling and I can tell them that with out being a Beouch, or a raging maniac!
During that 2 month period I did grieve and what I realized is I grieved the loss of "my reality" what I wanted and held onto for so many years. My will! And for the first time in 20 years surrendered to his will! And accepted it! Then came the action of it! That's still evolving! His will is not for me and my ex to be together until, or if he chooses recovery. Then it would be at least a year or more before he would even be anywhere close to having a relationship! I have to be careful to not let my will slip in and take over! And going no contact gave me the space I needed to get this! If we did not have kids would I have contact with him? Im not sure! Maybe, maybe not! But today I am ok with where I am. Today I have peace and freedom inside! I don't have a bunch of stuffed down emotions and feelings! And I learned how to do this one day at a time! One step at a time! And keep praticing it to the best of my ability!
Let peace be your guide a friend once told me! And its so true. If I don't have peace I know Gods trying to teach me something or tell me something or change something and I have to go to him and stay diligent in my quest to figure that out! And if people interfere with that wellll that's a problem! And I will with out hesitation distance myself from them!
You will get there you will come through this and figure it out! Stay strong and stay true to yourself and listen to your gut and what is it telling you. Seek God and don't let go until you have your peace! He allows us to go through uncomfortable things I believe so we can grow and lean on him and trust him to bring us through the other side stronger and healither! Feel all that comes to you and journal or talk to a trusted friend and I even yelled and battled with God for 5 days until I had my "break through"! I cried alone in my room sitting on my bed saying "okay what is it what is your will" and 5 days later BAMMMMM it was amazing and so freeing and opened up the doors for so much more of his teaching, healing, growth, strength! Don't let go Laura keep seeking him for his will!
God bless you sweetie! There is a season for everything! A time to sow, a time to harvest and a time to water, to till a time to prune a time to wait! He just wants us to let him the Master Gardener/God show us how to keep our Gardens beautiful and how to let that which is good grow and flourish and the weeds that take up space and cause harm to the beauty he wants to pull and will teach us how....
Anyways, after the contact grew less and less as far as texts I sent, I realized that I needed to cut all contact! And I did! That was for about a month and a half! When our son started having serious issues I called him in a desperate moment of despair! We have contact now but mainly about our kids! I learned how to express my frustration and anger in a much more healthy way! I have also had to learn how to stay true to myself! The communication now is me saying just what I need to, holding nothing back! Calling my ex on his stuff, that may not be what I should be doing but today it is what I feel I need to for me! The thought of going no contact at any given moment is always right there! If I need to put that boundry in place again because contact is affecting my mental, spiritual and emotional health I know how to do it and wont hesitate on bit!
I guess what I m trying to say is I had to be strong enough and healthy enough emotionally and spiritually to know when a situation or person is not healthy for me! I still love my ex and don't know just what the future holds for him or me! I have today and I have the courage, strength and wisdom to know what I need to do if someone or something is affecting me negatively! I don't stuff it or ignore it or pretend not to care about what I feel and what's going on inside of me! I listen I verbally express what I m feeling and take time to figure out why I feel this way!
I m just not afraid anymore! I don't really concern myself with outcomes or what ifs I just live! And let live! If someone does not like it that's their problem! They have a choice to! Don't talk to me or inter act with me! I also stop any and all "crap" that's not mine! I wont accept any of my ex's "finger pointing" I m at a place where I can think and act with my head not letting my heart rule me! I feel the balance I have today has allowed me the freedom to have some contact at least for today! Tomorrow may be different!?
I m still trying to figure out me and my journey but I know today I have choices. I have more balance, iam not ruled by fear and anger. If I start to feel off balance and loose my peace I can step back and regroup and evaluate what is going on! And do what I need to despite what anyone thinks! Take care of me maintain my well being! Sure I get angry and feel frustrated but I feel it right away and process it, express it as healthy as I can (still working on that one) lol! Then its gone! I don't have to feel guilty or bad for being human and having human emotions! I don't have to say sorry for standing up for myself, expressing myself, protecting myself.... I don't have to buy crap people are selling and I can tell them that with out being a Beouch, or a raging maniac!
During that 2 month period I did grieve and what I realized is I grieved the loss of "my reality" what I wanted and held onto for so many years. My will! And for the first time in 20 years surrendered to his will! And accepted it! Then came the action of it! That's still evolving! His will is not for me and my ex to be together until, or if he chooses recovery. Then it would be at least a year or more before he would even be anywhere close to having a relationship! I have to be careful to not let my will slip in and take over! And going no contact gave me the space I needed to get this! If we did not have kids would I have contact with him? Im not sure! Maybe, maybe not! But today I am ok with where I am. Today I have peace and freedom inside! I don't have a bunch of stuffed down emotions and feelings! And I learned how to do this one day at a time! One step at a time! And keep praticing it to the best of my ability!
Let peace be your guide a friend once told me! And its so true. If I don't have peace I know Gods trying to teach me something or tell me something or change something and I have to go to him and stay diligent in my quest to figure that out! And if people interfere with that wellll that's a problem! And I will with out hesitation distance myself from them!
You will get there you will come through this and figure it out! Stay strong and stay true to yourself and listen to your gut and what is it telling you. Seek God and don't let go until you have your peace! He allows us to go through uncomfortable things I believe so we can grow and lean on him and trust him to bring us through the other side stronger and healither! Feel all that comes to you and journal or talk to a trusted friend and I even yelled and battled with God for 5 days until I had my "break through"! I cried alone in my room sitting on my bed saying "okay what is it what is your will" and 5 days later BAMMMMM it was amazing and so freeing and opened up the doors for so much more of his teaching, healing, growth, strength! Don't let go Laura keep seeking him for his will!
God bless you sweetie! There is a season for everything! A time to sow, a time to harvest and a time to water, to till a time to prune a time to wait! He just wants us to let him the Master Gardener/God show us how to keep our Gardens beautiful and how to let that which is good grow and flourish and the weeds that take up space and cause harm to the beauty he wants to pull and will teach us how....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
And I am feeling so terribly lonely. I have good friends, but feel I can't really relate at the moment to their lives. And I don't really want to share my thoughts...
I can so relate to this right now, Lara... The two friends I have who are my age and I would normally talk to are doing the exact same thing I'd been doing, chasing guys who don't really want to be with them until they need something from them. And the one is chasing a guy EXACTLY like C - alcoholic, cocaine user, only calls her for sex, etc. He's 16 years younger than C, but boy, does he sound like his mini-me!! So I just feel like I can't talk to them, number one, because they're doing the same thing, so how can I take any advice from them? And number two, because believe it or not, it hurts me that at least they still techinically HAVE the guys they want (even though they're being used, just as I was). And as you said, part of me just doesn't FEEL like talking to them right now and telling them what happened or how I am. The one who's chasing the guy just like C, she'll sympathize with me and say that's horrible and I don't deserve to be treated like that, but then she'll go right ahead and tell me the latest story about the one she's chasing and she doesn't see that what happened to me is going to eventually happen to her, too. And the other one, is just a big know-it-all who, even though she was just as fooled by C as I was, will find some way to say, "I told you so." And I just feel like telling them both to p*ss off...I just don't want to talk with them right now. I've found more support and helpful advice and a sense of belonging from everyone here on SR. I really don't know how I'd be managing right now if I hadn't found SR...
I can so relate to this right now, Lara... The two friends I have who are my age and I would normally talk to are doing the exact same thing I'd been doing, chasing guys who don't really want to be with them until they need something from them. And the one is chasing a guy EXACTLY like C - alcoholic, cocaine user, only calls her for sex, etc. He's 16 years younger than C, but boy, does he sound like his mini-me!! So I just feel like I can't talk to them, number one, because they're doing the same thing, so how can I take any advice from them? And number two, because believe it or not, it hurts me that at least they still techinically HAVE the guys they want (even though they're being used, just as I was). And as you said, part of me just doesn't FEEL like talking to them right now and telling them what happened or how I am. The one who's chasing the guy just like C, she'll sympathize with me and say that's horrible and I don't deserve to be treated like that, but then she'll go right ahead and tell me the latest story about the one she's chasing and she doesn't see that what happened to me is going to eventually happen to her, too. And the other one, is just a big know-it-all who, even though she was just as fooled by C as I was, will find some way to say, "I told you so." And I just feel like telling them both to p*ss off...I just don't want to talk with them right now. I've found more support and helpful advice and a sense of belonging from everyone here on SR. I really don't know how I'd be managing right now if I hadn't found SR...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by brokenrose
It is so true that for some unfathomable reason, some people are just harder to let go of...The problem is I then reconnected with a guy from my past that I never had a relationship with but always yearned for (he was like my drug, in all the years I was married, I never forgot this guy)...we began a very intense relationship....we stayed together for over a year and a half, and then exactly 3 months ago today, he abruptly ended it with me and has gone no contact...he didn't call once or text and everytime I reached out again, he barely responded to me.....anyways Lara what I'm trying to say is, it has been harder to get over him then it was to get over my husband....I still cry everyday, I miss him terribly, I still want to reach out to him and I cannot understand why? He was almost always drunk and was emotionally abusive when he was drunk, and yet I can't let him go....its been 3 months for me and I'm barely holding on, so please go easy on yourself, you will be okay, we are grieving our lost loves, it doesn't just go away.....
I'm sorry that you are in a similar situation, but I hope you are doing better and have moved farther down the path to your own recovery.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lara, to get from here to there, we often need to take time "in-between". In-between is a place where we heal, regroup, and find our footing again, where we find ourselves again and new dreams.
It's a good place, albeit confusing sometimes, and if we wait patiently we will, one day, find new beginnings and wonderful days ahead.
Take time in-between, to assess the damage and recharge your spirit, to heal and find the lesson in all this. When it is time to move forward you will know. For now let in-between be a comfort zone for you.
Hugs
It's a good place, albeit confusing sometimes, and if we wait patiently we will, one day, find new beginnings and wonderful days ahead.
Take time in-between, to assess the damage and recharge your spirit, to heal and find the lesson in all this. When it is time to move forward you will know. For now let in-between be a comfort zone for you.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Ann
Lara, to get from here to there, we often need to take time "in-between". In-between is a place where we heal, regroup, and find our footing again, where we find ourselves again and new dreams.
It's a good place, albeit confusing sometimes, and if we wait patiently we will, one day, find new beginnings and wonderful days ahead.
Take time in-between, to assess the damage and recharge your spirit, to heal and find the lesson in all this. When it is time to move forward you will know. For now let in-between be a comfort zone for you.
Hugs
It's a good place, albeit confusing sometimes, and if we wait patiently we will, one day, find new beginnings and wonderful days ahead.
Take time in-between, to assess the damage and recharge your spirit, to heal and find the lesson in all this. When it is time to move forward you will know. For now let in-between be a comfort zone for you.
Hugs
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