What does the A do when the court intervenes?
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What does the A do when the court intervenes?
STBXAH is arriving from across the ocean in 2 weeks. I have a letter for him stating the Office for the Protection of Youth is going to intervene is they hear of another domestic incident in which the children are nearby. I will have a court date for asking for a legal separation with clause about no contact.
I also don't want him to have overnights with the children. According to the laws here, that means an evaluation of my AH and myself. This is a big deal. AH is going to freak about that, plus I wonder whether these evaluators will be able to see through his lies and charm. He fooled our couples therapist this summer and the police, to some extent. They don't seem to necessarily believe that he is an active alcoholic, or cruel to me. He makes it appear that I have problems but he loves me and is trying everything but I am impossible.
When the police have intervened before, he feels very angry with me, he tells the children and makes them and others feel sorry for him and never lets me forget how unfair I was.
I have assembled a good network here of professionals and friends. So I can call them if I need help. But no one has yet to tell me what he might be like when the s**t hits the fan. Yes, I know what I need to do. But Yes, I am scared.
I also don't want him to have overnights with the children. According to the laws here, that means an evaluation of my AH and myself. This is a big deal. AH is going to freak about that, plus I wonder whether these evaluators will be able to see through his lies and charm. He fooled our couples therapist this summer and the police, to some extent. They don't seem to necessarily believe that he is an active alcoholic, or cruel to me. He makes it appear that I have problems but he loves me and is trying everything but I am impossible.
When the police have intervened before, he feels very angry with me, he tells the children and makes them and others feel sorry for him and never lets me forget how unfair I was.
I have assembled a good network here of professionals and friends. So I can call them if I need help. But no one has yet to tell me what he might be like when the s**t hits the fan. Yes, I know what I need to do. But Yes, I am scared.
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So, the question being, when he gets this letter and the court date, what is he likely to do?! He should have a lawyer. But will this news make him drink more? Try to stay sober? He'll already be jet-lagged and mad that he has to stay in a hotel. Then the court will tell him he has to pay me so much a month, get help from a therapist and such, keep out of the apartment and keep no contact with me...
What is a person like in such a situation? I know it's, like, impossible to say, even with knowing someone. But do any of you have experience with someone in a situation like this?
Thanks!!!
What is a person like in such a situation? I know it's, like, impossible to say, even with knowing someone. But do any of you have experience with someone in a situation like this?
Thanks!!!
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I don't know that anyone else's experience regarding their alcoholic's reaction will help to predict yours. Seems to me you are trying to figure out all the what-ifs, which really doesn't help.
Do YOU have a lawyer? You should--one that knows the full history, and preferably one who is versed in alcohol/abuse issues. YOU should not be the one serving him with any letters or orders. One of the biggest advantages of having your own lawyer is that you do not need to deal with him directly.
Do YOU have a lawyer? You should--one that knows the full history, and preferably one who is versed in alcohol/abuse issues. YOU should not be the one serving him with any letters or orders. One of the biggest advantages of having your own lawyer is that you do not need to deal with him directly.
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(((Pippi))))
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said something along the lines of 'real courage isn't the absence of fear...it's taking action despite fear'. (She said it alot more eloquently than that but you get the idea...)
You're showing incredible courage and strength.
I understand your fear. I don't want to hijack your thread but maybe if I share a little bit about my situation, you will see that I really, truly understand the fear you talk about. I had to go to the Court and get a Personal Protection Order against my exah. He's in jail right now. Hours after I obtained the ORder, he broke into a firehall and stole an ambulance with a trailer and rescue boat attached to it (clearly the actions of a mentally unstable individual). A big manhunt ensued. He's still in custody and eventually he is going to get out and I struggle with fear and anxiety over what he will do...whether he will abide by the ORder and finally leave me and our son alone. I worry that he will show up and cause a traumatic scene for me and our son. I fear he'll sink further into his mental illness and alcoholism and harm or kill himself or someone else. I can conjur up all kinds of images in my mind about what he might do...what might happen.
The thing is...neither of us know what our ah (or in my case, my exah) will do. We can anticpate all kinds of things but all this worrying and all this anxiety doesn't do us a bit of good. We only have to tackle this situation one day at a time. Just one day. Today. That's all you have to worry about. You can deal with tomorrow as it comes.
Yes, there's alot to be said for preparing and planning...but it sounds like you 've laid all the ground work. You've consulted with the right professionals and you've got a game plan. Now...you just have to trust your HP. Trust yourself. Trust the plan you've put into place. You're going to come out of this just fine. So am I. We're on the right path. Let's just keep going...one day at a time.
Hugs...and understanding...
Mary
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said something along the lines of 'real courage isn't the absence of fear...it's taking action despite fear'. (She said it alot more eloquently than that but you get the idea...)
You're showing incredible courage and strength.
I understand your fear. I don't want to hijack your thread but maybe if I share a little bit about my situation, you will see that I really, truly understand the fear you talk about. I had to go to the Court and get a Personal Protection Order against my exah. He's in jail right now. Hours after I obtained the ORder, he broke into a firehall and stole an ambulance with a trailer and rescue boat attached to it (clearly the actions of a mentally unstable individual). A big manhunt ensued. He's still in custody and eventually he is going to get out and I struggle with fear and anxiety over what he will do...whether he will abide by the ORder and finally leave me and our son alone. I worry that he will show up and cause a traumatic scene for me and our son. I fear he'll sink further into his mental illness and alcoholism and harm or kill himself or someone else. I can conjur up all kinds of images in my mind about what he might do...what might happen.
The thing is...neither of us know what our ah (or in my case, my exah) will do. We can anticpate all kinds of things but all this worrying and all this anxiety doesn't do us a bit of good. We only have to tackle this situation one day at a time. Just one day. Today. That's all you have to worry about. You can deal with tomorrow as it comes.
Yes, there's alot to be said for preparing and planning...but it sounds like you 've laid all the ground work. You've consulted with the right professionals and you've got a game plan. Now...you just have to trust your HP. Trust yourself. Trust the plan you've put into place. You're going to come out of this just fine. So am I. We're on the right path. Let's just keep going...one day at a time.
Hugs...and understanding...
Mary
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
So, the question being, when he gets this letter and the court date, what is he likely to do?! He should have a lawyer. But will this news make him drink more? Try to stay sober? He'll already be jet-lagged and mad that he has to stay in a hotel. Then the court will tell him he has to pay me so much a month, get help from a therapist and such, keep out of the apartment and keep no contact with me...
What is a person like in such a situation? I know it's, like, impossible to say, even with knowing someone. But do any of you have experience with someone in a situation like this?
Thanks!!!
What is a person like in such a situation? I know it's, like, impossible to say, even with knowing someone. But do any of you have experience with someone in a situation like this?
Thanks!!!
Tighten up secrurity, block his emails and texts, phone calls. Go stay with someone else with the children until it has sunk in for him. Be strong in your conviction that you are doing the right thing, it's easy to fall into the , what will he do, think, say. What's important is that you use your strength and your courage to make sure you feel safe and that your children are protected.
And try to remember that your children are you strength, care for them the way you would want to be cared for if you were a child.
Lots of love to you , Katie
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To respond, first, thank you for your thoughts!!! I got no peace of mind from following the nicey-nice strategies of lawyer one, so I now have a new lawyer, and I was clear this time about what I need to do. I meet with him in a few days again and I will have him send the papers to AH.
In the meantime, AH won't be here long, and he wants to see the children as much as possible. The change in culture, hours, seeing us for the first time in some time - his head is already going to be spinning.
How do I hide out with the children and grant him every possible moment with them during his brief stay is beyond me...otherwise, staying with friends would be perfect! Maybe we stay overnights with friends at undisclosed location and see him during the day...
You are right, one day at a time. And concentrate on our safety.
But I do think he might end up doing something rash as he seems over the edge already. It helps to hear other's stories as I need to try to prepare myself. I can't help it. I used to brush aside the questions about AH and his behavior. Now I just want to understand as best as I can so that I can make sense of all that mystery and move forward.
Some of you have A's who actually are open about their habits and believe it or not, I am rather jealous of you sometimes! Crazy, but what I'd do to have some truth!
I guess if things seem really bad, I call the domestic violence folks and/or police. Then me not letting him see the kids isn't me being unfair to him. You know what?! He really has made me crazy!!!
In the meantime, AH won't be here long, and he wants to see the children as much as possible. The change in culture, hours, seeing us for the first time in some time - his head is already going to be spinning.
How do I hide out with the children and grant him every possible moment with them during his brief stay is beyond me...otherwise, staying with friends would be perfect! Maybe we stay overnights with friends at undisclosed location and see him during the day...
You are right, one day at a time. And concentrate on our safety.
But I do think he might end up doing something rash as he seems over the edge already. It helps to hear other's stories as I need to try to prepare myself. I can't help it. I used to brush aside the questions about AH and his behavior. Now I just want to understand as best as I can so that I can make sense of all that mystery and move forward.
Some of you have A's who actually are open about their habits and believe it or not, I am rather jealous of you sometimes! Crazy, but what I'd do to have some truth!
I guess if things seem really bad, I call the domestic violence folks and/or police. Then me not letting him see the kids isn't me being unfair to him. You know what?! He really has made me crazy!!!
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Well, I don't think you're crazy, Pippi. It is a crazy situation you are dealing with, and that is outside you and not your doing.
It is so hard to predict what an alcoholic will do in this kind of stressful situation. It may be that you just need to expect that he will do something unpredictable! Anticipating that may be helpful in and of itself.
If I were expecting that, I would probably keep my location very private and make arrangement only to meet him with the kids in public places for specified amounts of time. I would have several exit strategies already planned, park where it is not isolated, easy to get to the car, into the car and drive away quickly. I'd have pre-programed into my cell phone the numbers of people who could help in any number of kinds of situations. I would make sure that others who could and would come to your aid know exactly where you're going to be, and what time to expect a phone call from you, as a periodic check-in. Or even have a trusted friend go with you.
That way, if all goes well, then all goes well. If it doesn't, you are prepared and other people can track what is going on from afar.
What I did experience, with my narcissistic alcoholic husband, is that his behavior would swing like a pendulum from very conciliatory to threatening/punitive. I think it probably was part of the cycle of the last number of years - when I didn't do what he wanted, he would do something to disturb me, and then when I toned down my behavior, I would get "rewarded" for a bit.
Good luck!
ShootingStar1
It is so hard to predict what an alcoholic will do in this kind of stressful situation. It may be that you just need to expect that he will do something unpredictable! Anticipating that may be helpful in and of itself.
If I were expecting that, I would probably keep my location very private and make arrangement only to meet him with the kids in public places for specified amounts of time. I would have several exit strategies already planned, park where it is not isolated, easy to get to the car, into the car and drive away quickly. I'd have pre-programed into my cell phone the numbers of people who could help in any number of kinds of situations. I would make sure that others who could and would come to your aid know exactly where you're going to be, and what time to expect a phone call from you, as a periodic check-in. Or even have a trusted friend go with you.
That way, if all goes well, then all goes well. If it doesn't, you are prepared and other people can track what is going on from afar.
What I did experience, with my narcissistic alcoholic husband, is that his behavior would swing like a pendulum from very conciliatory to threatening/punitive. I think it probably was part of the cycle of the last number of years - when I didn't do what he wanted, he would do something to disturb me, and then when I toned down my behavior, I would get "rewarded" for a bit.
Good luck!
ShootingStar1
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ShootingStar has some great advice. Another possibility would be to have a trusted mutual friend (if you have one) supervise the visit with the kids--with explicit instructions to call the police if anything goes wrong.
I trust he doesn't have the kids' passports, right?
I trust he doesn't have the kids' passports, right?
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Taking your worthy advice to heart. I think it's right that I have lots of people around and involved during that time. Every time I prepare for another visit by AH I wind up involving more people in this aspect of my life. As time goes on and people ask where my H is these days, I have gotten used to just saying a brief version of the truth. Amazing how many respond by telling me that they have someone in their life who is an A. One good friend even told me that she herself is an A.
Anyway, the secret's out. If AH knew he'd go beserk. I am more anxious every day as his next visit is soon. I am learning to treat myself as my best friend and that helps enormously. I am earning my self-respect
I have a lot of people I love in my life and for that I am truly blessed.
AH may get himself in bigger trouble in this country, and without me, I don't know what his status with respect to this place will be. It is very complicated. I have probably learned a lot more about this place because of all the trouble.
Why can't he just leave me in peace? He still has so much in his life that is great. He sounds almost frighteningly happy on the phone. His moods, as Shooting Star mentions, are also very variable. He is content and all is fine one day, and angry and belligerent the next. He seems to need me to play a significant role in his life, and the alcoholic tedious arguments continue - this time via email since I have discontinued all others means. Amazong how he can use any excuse to communicate as a way to try to pull my strings.
Why I am rambling like this I know not. I am so glad you are all there!
Anyway, the secret's out. If AH knew he'd go beserk. I am more anxious every day as his next visit is soon. I am learning to treat myself as my best friend and that helps enormously. I am earning my self-respect
I have a lot of people I love in my life and for that I am truly blessed.
AH may get himself in bigger trouble in this country, and without me, I don't know what his status with respect to this place will be. It is very complicated. I have probably learned a lot more about this place because of all the trouble.
Why can't he just leave me in peace? He still has so much in his life that is great. He sounds almost frighteningly happy on the phone. His moods, as Shooting Star mentions, are also very variable. He is content and all is fine one day, and angry and belligerent the next. He seems to need me to play a significant role in his life, and the alcoholic tedious arguments continue - this time via email since I have discontinued all others means. Amazong how he can use any excuse to communicate as a way to try to pull my strings.
Why I am rambling like this I know not
. I am so glad you are all there!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Pippi,
I just want to say that I think you are doing great!
You are managing so much on top of dealing with your A and all the chaos he has created. You are very strong and your children are so lucky to have you as their Mom. Stay the course.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I just want to say that I think you are doing great!
You are managing so much on top of dealing with your A and all the chaos he has created. You are very strong and your children are so lucky to have you as their Mom. Stay the course.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Taking your worthy advice to heart. I think it's right that I have lots of people around and involved during that time. Every time I prepare for another visit by AH I wind up involving more people in this aspect of my life. As time goes on and people ask where my H is these days, I have gotten used to just saying a brief version of the truth. Amazing how many respond by telling me that they have someone in their life who is an A. One good friend even told me that she herself is an A.
Anyway, the secret's out. If AH knew he'd go beserk. I am more anxious every day as his next visit is soon. I am learning to treat myself as my best friend and that helps enormously. I am earning my self-respect
I have a lot of people I love in my life and for that I am truly blessed.
AH may get himself in bigger trouble in this country, and without me, I don't know what his status with respect to this place will be. It is very complicated. I have probably learned a lot more about this place because of all the trouble.
Why can't he just leave me in peace? He still has so much in his life that is great. He sounds almost frighteningly happy on the phone. His moods, as Shooting Star mentions, are also very variable. He is content and all is fine one day, and angry and belligerent the next. He seems to need me to play a significant role in his life, and the alcoholic tedious arguments continue - this time via email since I have discontinued all others means. Amazong how he can use any excuse to communicate as a way to try to pull my strings.
Why I am rambling like this I know not. I am so glad you are all there!
Anyway, the secret's out. If AH knew he'd go beserk. I am more anxious every day as his next visit is soon. I am learning to treat myself as my best friend and that helps enormously. I am earning my self-respect
I have a lot of people I love in my life and for that I am truly blessed.
AH may get himself in bigger trouble in this country, and without me, I don't know what his status with respect to this place will be. It is very complicated. I have probably learned a lot more about this place because of all the trouble.
Why can't he just leave me in peace? He still has so much in his life that is great. He sounds almost frighteningly happy on the phone. His moods, as Shooting Star mentions, are also very variable. He is content and all is fine one day, and angry and belligerent the next. He seems to need me to play a significant role in his life, and the alcoholic tedious arguments continue - this time via email since I have discontinued all others means. Amazong how he can use any excuse to communicate as a way to try to pull my strings.
Why I am rambling like this I know not
. I am so glad you are all there!
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