MNKel

So we all go through the questions right? What is the right thing to do? What is God trying to tell me? What am I being tested with? I've though this many time in regards to my ABF.. What is God trying to teach me? To walk away from this man that I love.. or to help him? I try to look for signs.. and I realize that I can make up any "sign" and think that it trying to tell me something.. but just the littlest things.. his name somewhere completely unexpected.. songs that come on the radio just as soon as I get off the phone with him. As with anything, I just wish things were easy, and some how we could know what the right decision was.. I love this man? or do I? Do I just want the satisfaction of saying that I was able to fix him?

Rosiepetal

"What is right" may be "what is the best thing for you".
If you've given it your all but nothing has changed it may be time to leave?
So hard to leave them behind I know but you have a life to lead to.

MNKel

thank you. I just feel so torn.

I found this in another post and absolutely loved it. I will need this if things start going south. I copied this and have it somewhere handy to remind me.. just in case.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

EnnuiStasis

You can't fix him. He can't fix you.

Earlier today something reminded me of a book I read before leaving my abusive XH. It's titled "Love is a Choice" and is about codependent and unhealthy relationships. I remembered marking passages in it and sharing them with my XH, whom I loved deeply and still care for. He told me straight up that he liked being codependent, he was happy with things as they were, and he had no intention of changing. That was my "eureka" moment (though unfortunately I didn't leave right away and more damage was done to me and to my children.) I did leave later that year though. I drove away still loving him, partly to make a decent life for my kids and partly to make a decent life for ME. Sure, I had second, and third and fourth thoughts about it, grieved over the loss (of the semi-comfortable reality and the wonderful "could be, if only") and came terrifyingly close to letting him talk me into going back.

You know what? That was almost 15 years ago and that man has changed very little. He married a woman who is so much like the old me that she could be my sister ~ maybe even a twin. Medication (and a wee bit of personal growth) has helped him be less angry and violent, but he is still the same core person he was 30 years ago.

I'm so thankful I haven't wasted the last 15 years of my life trying to fix something/someone I can't fix and sacrificing my own life and sanity in an attempt to do so.

God does not call us to be martyrs, or to think we're so powerful we can change other people and make them something they're not, but he does call us to have joy in him, to have peace, to have strength...to have courage. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot--for quite a while. But he is also our comforter, and we do learn through trials.

Seren

Hello MNKel,

In my experience, the best path doesn't always reveal itself right away. Sometimes, however, the best path has a bright, neon sign pointing to it...we simply refuse to see it because we just don't want to take that path knowing it will hurt, a lot. The good news is: you don't have to make all these decisions about your future right now--today!

Love, well, love is a decision--not all the stomach fluttering, 'falling in love' stuff of which romance novels are made. It is the active decision to will the good of the beloved. With addiction thrown in the mix, we can tell ourselves that taking care of the addicted person is willing the good, but frequently it's not. It just shields them from the consequences of their addiction.

Please make yourself at home here! Vent and ask all the questions you need to ask. You and your boyfriend will be in my prayers. HG

fluffyflea

Doing what is best for you is right, you can't fix him, change him or any of those things.

Audrey1

I remember Hydrogirl giving me some similar advice when I was pushed to my absolute limit with my ABF and had moved out. I had this undeniable urge to make a decision immediately. I had finally taken the step to leave him, and wanted the momentum to continue so I wouldn't get sucked back in. I felt I had wasted enough of my life and wanted to get on with it immediately. I imagine you are feeling the same way. My situation was compounded by the fact I live in his country which is very, very far from my country and any support system.

The advice to take a breather and stop putting pressure on yourself helped me immensely. I did so, and stayed where I was for a while away from him. Thankfully, my leaving him gave my partner the kick in pants he needed to get help. Although he does still smoke a little pot which means he is technically not sober, he hasn't had a drink in over two months. This is a massive, massive improvement. At times I felt too much had happened and that our relationship was broken beyond repair. I doubted the fact that I still loved him. It was a very confusing time.

I don't look to the universe for signs, and I don't think you should either. I believe anything we think is a sign can be read either way, like a horoscope. Look at what you want, and what your gut it telling you.... honestly. Only you know what to do. I have now returned to my partner and although the road has been a bit bumpy, I am glad I did as things have been a lot better and are generally improving as both of us work on ourselves. I do know that I would never have come back to him if he hadn't stopped drinking, so I feel secure in my decision now.

You won't fix him. That's up to him. What you need to do is work out if you are prepared to live with an alcoholic. It sounds from your post that he's not taking any serious steps to stop drinking, so that's all you can expect from him for now.