773niki

Hi all - need help!
Sober 96 days. Really working a great program/have a sponsor/working the steps through AA/attending a meeting a day/going to therapy to get to the root of my issues. I'm 31 years old and female. I have a history of sexual abuse as well as an eating disorder which I had never talked about until recently (In October 2012) so I've been working with my therapist to confront and handle all these issues and I really am doing great.

I also have a boyfriend of 2.5 years and we live together. He is supportive and we are both working hard to save this relationship (I damaged the trust due to lies about drinking/hiding my drinking). We're both in therapy and do love eachother.

He is very close to his family.

Here lies the problem.
His sister has recently decided to hate me. Acting terrible to me, which I really don't need. Ignoring me during family gatherings and telling him that I'm not right for him and she refuses to be a part of it.

He was married once before for a very short time and apparently his sister said she "knew" they weren't right for eachother, which she didn't voice at the time because he was happy - and obviously, that ended in divorce after 10 months. Since then, she promised to tell him everything she thought and now she hates me and she's being very vocal about it.

I am having a very large problem letting this go. I'm holding onto this terrible anger...I'm also working step 4 so I'm working on it with my sponsor and my therapist...but do you guys think I can email her what I'm feeling without making things worse?

I do not owe her an apology.

She has her concerns - fine. It's understandable. But to completely be a bitch to me is another thing. She's 35! She told me i would be a bad mother...she told me I have too many issues...and she's pretty close to "perfect" - so of course she passes judgement.

I've done everything I can but can't let this go.
Can I write her an email politely asking her to please stop - that her brother and I are on the same page and that her input isn't necessary?

I want to be mean. Very mean but I know that won't do any good. I'm all pent up inside. Not wanting to drink, but this would be the situation in which I would for sure have drank in the past.

I just need to get these feelings out! And my boyfriend is getting so sick of it - he doesn't know what to do and I know he's hurting too...

HELP!

sugarbear1

I'd give time time and work on myself.

She's entitled to do or say what she wants and it's really none of your business, not now.

Get through step 4 and 5, 6, 7, 8, & 9......

Your relationship is between you and your bf.

Stay strong and finish that 4th step.

kizzy40

I would not email her, infact I don't think it is your place to try to resolve this.
The one to be getting a clear message across is your partner, he needs to let his sister know not to meddle in his personal life.
Well done on your 96 days and getting your relationship back on track, however he needs to be behind you 100% here and support you by ensuring his family do not disrespect you.

artsoul

What did your therapist and sponsor say? (or your boyfriend?)

My own personal experience has taught me that things don't get resolved if either party is angry. Anger is usually just a cover for hurt or fear anyway. We don't want to admit our vulnerability and say we're hurt or afraid, so we try to get the other person to see what they're doing, to "see the light" somehow. It usually doesn't work. Better to tell the other person "I feel sad or hurt about this - is there a way we can work it out?"

Even then, there's no guarantee that the other person will be able to respond in a positive way at the time we want them to. So, it comes down to "Will this be helpful?" It takes two willing people to start the dialog (just like it takes two to keep the argument going).

That probably doesn't answer one bit of your question(!)....... just some thoughts, I guess. Good luck......:ghug3

773niki

Thank you. I am completely obsessing about this. I want to get it out of my mind and I'm just so angry!! I know it's none of my business what she thinks about me, but it is affecting our relationship and I haven't been this upset in awhile. Just annoyed. Perfect time for a numbing little beverage...not going to happen, but I'm just sayin.

773niki

Artsoul - thank you and you made alot of sense to me! ALOT actually. I agree...gonna pray on it.

My sponsor said it's none of my business what she thinks about me and to work on myself. My therapist said that it's her issue, not mine, and to keep focusing on me and if I'm going good and moving forward, then that's all I have to worry about.

Easier said then done is all...

Dave42001

Great work on your 96 days!! That's a huge accomplishment!!

I'm with Sugarbear.. Give it some time.. If you have to get it off your chest do it face to face or call.. Emails can be taken wrong sometimes...

My wife's brother is a real jerk, he pulls the same kind of stuff at family functions.. It used to really bother me but now I just kill him with kindness.. He hates dogs if you can believe that so when he comes over I get my labs all fired up and they jump all over him.. I just smile!!

Keep up the great work!! You should be very proud of yourself!!

Received

I don't attend AA but I used to. Isn't this something you should talk to your sponsor about?

Since I'm not in AA and not your sponsor I will give you my opinion. DO NOT EMAIL HER!

paul99

They are both bang on, as are those who commented so far. Put her at the top of your 4th step resentment list. Put what happened, what it affected, your part (yup). This is eating you up, and you need relief, so get it on paper.

When I think of these kind of resentments, and tying it into what your therapist and sponsor said....do you think she's up at night on a forum talking about her brother's partner? That she tosses and turns about it? Probably not. So do likewise. Put it out of mind. I know, easy to say. But those of us who are telling you this have been there. I know I have had people I resented for 20+ years at the same level that you feel this one now. Can you imagine how nuts I made myself? Add another X amount of resentments. Then fears. Sex harms. Harms. No wonder I drank.

Get free of this...or it will be you, not her, that pays for it.

And so as to the email...probably not a good idea

Anna

I agree that you should not concern yourself with what she thinks. You can remain in a place of peace, knowing that you are being the person you want to be. When something makes you so angry, I think it's best to not act in haste.

MeetJohnDoe

It seems like you’ve got a lot of good advice. It’s her issue, not yours. To the extent you let her opinion make you sad, you are giving her control over your life. The best you can do is be polite, bite your tongue, keep silent, and convince your man to step up to the plate and let his family know how important you are to his life. You aren’t responsible for his past bad choices. If he isn’t willing to make the peace with his family on your behalf and tell them how wonderful you are, then I’d question his love for you. There is no reason you should spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells to placate his insane family. And never let them question your integrity and love for him. You have been honest with him. If he told them your deepest darkest secrets I’d be concerned. There are boundaries in relationships, things we tell our lovers but not our families. Maybe he’s crossed the line. I hope he truly loves you. But he has to man up and defend you against the negative feelings his family is throwing your way. That is, if he truly loves you.

Xune

My sister in law doesn't like me or even acknowledge I exist when we're in the same room.

Who cares? Not I and I've no intention of sorting it out.

A cliche, 'it is what it is. '

shoreladylu

I know its hard, but Try not to take it personal. You have more important things to worry about. Aint nobody got time for that

Hope4Life

It is far too easy for someone to read between the lines or take an email out of context and it would, most likely, just make the situation worse.

As for being angry about this, the only person that hurts is you..... and that is EXACTLY what she wants!

Get some exercise to burn off that anger.

ReadyAtLast

Hi, please don't email her-it's a really bad idea. It will show her just how annoyed and angry she has got you-why hand her that power?

You have no control over what someone else says or does-the only thing you can control is your reaction to her.Staying calm and dignified,knowing you are doing the right thing is the best response

If she has a problem with you it's HER problem,not yours.Don't make it yours. Let the anger go.

Congrats on 96 days

jennikate

I agree with all of the above posters...you are letting her rent space in your head. That gives her an enormous amount of power over you and can ultimately cause damage to your program. I went through a similiar situation with my FIL. I decided to just keep my distance. My husband followed suit. I think he finally realized that you can't just say anything and everything you like(personal comments about my kids' weight, my job, my political beliefs, etc). When I saw him again after awhile, he was much more polite. In the long run, my husband knows our relationship is number 1. If my FIL wants to have a relationship with his son, he will be at least polite and cordial to me and our children.