My Grandmother - how do I deal with her?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
My Grandmother - how do I deal with her?
In a nutshell, my grandmother is the matriarch and the epicenter of our dysfunctional family. She is extremely manipulative and divisive. She is possibly the most insidious person I've ever known personally. BTW, she is not an addict. However, her mother was an addict, and four of her five children are addicts (the child who is not an addict has married two addicts). She was extremely abusive toward her children, as was their father. Into adulthood, she maintains a stranglehold on all five of her children, and has acted very much as an enabler. She has encouraged them to be dependent on her, indebted to her, and enmeshed with her in a very unhealthy way.
On some level, my mother had an awareness of this, and intentionally acted as a buffer between me and my grandmother. Ever since I cut ties with my mother, I've been left to fend for myself with my grandmother. I have tried, with moderate success, to keep as much distance as possible from her. She still constantly pushes boundaries, such as calling to ask if she can come over....as she's pulling into the driveway. Her latest stunt is "surprising" my children and I and at my daughter's school when it's time for me to pick her up. She does a lot of catching off guard, guilt trips, etc. She creates tremendous drama and chaos between family members.
The reason I haven't stood up to her is because she has the backing of the entire family. When I stood up to my mom, everyone was fairly understanding, even if they disagreed with my methods or thought I was being too harsh. If I were to stand up to my grandmother, however, it would be like starting world war three. I would love it if I could just avoid her / them, and that they would eventually lose interest and leave me alone. Unfortunately, my grandmother obsesses about keeping tabs every family member, even those in other states, and even people who cut ties with her many years ago. She will spy on people, and in general be very creepy.
My husband, children, and I are getting ready to move about 2000 miles away. My grandmother and the rest of family are aware of the move. I kept quiet about it for as long as possible, but wasn't able to keep it completely a secret because of my young children (chatterboxes, haha). Anyway, I would really like to sever ties after we move. I don't want anyone to have our address, to fly out to visit, etc. Yet, I feel scared to do this. I am not exactly sure what I fear will happen. It bothers me deeply that I am so fearful and that I feel powerless against my grandmother. I realize that I am not asking a clear question, but I guess I'm just looking for advice or insight on the situation that anyone here might have.
On some level, my mother had an awareness of this, and intentionally acted as a buffer between me and my grandmother. Ever since I cut ties with my mother, I've been left to fend for myself with my grandmother. I have tried, with moderate success, to keep as much distance as possible from her. She still constantly pushes boundaries, such as calling to ask if she can come over....as she's pulling into the driveway. Her latest stunt is "surprising" my children and I and at my daughter's school when it's time for me to pick her up. She does a lot of catching off guard, guilt trips, etc. She creates tremendous drama and chaos between family members.
The reason I haven't stood up to her is because she has the backing of the entire family. When I stood up to my mom, everyone was fairly understanding, even if they disagreed with my methods or thought I was being too harsh. If I were to stand up to my grandmother, however, it would be like starting world war three. I would love it if I could just avoid her / them, and that they would eventually lose interest and leave me alone. Unfortunately, my grandmother obsesses about keeping tabs every family member, even those in other states, and even people who cut ties with her many years ago. She will spy on people, and in general be very creepy.
My husband, children, and I are getting ready to move about 2000 miles away. My grandmother and the rest of family are aware of the move. I kept quiet about it for as long as possible, but wasn't able to keep it completely a secret because of my young children (chatterboxes, haha). Anyway, I would really like to sever ties after we move. I don't want anyone to have our address, to fly out to visit, etc. Yet, I feel scared to do this. I am not exactly sure what I fear will happen. It bothers me deeply that I am so fearful and that I feel powerless against my grandmother. I realize that I am not asking a clear question, but I guess I'm just looking for advice or insight on the situation that anyone here might have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Hi Intrepid.
I come from a mega dysfunctional family where psycho logic ruled the roost.
It largely involved my mother and grandmother; my father died P.O.W. Burma Road.
I left home at round 15 when Mum had a love child.
I won't go into details re all the crazy stuff that went on during my childhood.
Separation from this stuff is acutely difficult. Did you ever read Games People Play by Eric Berne? Well that nothing to dealing with manipulative and disturbed people; manipulation being a major feature.
The Buddhists use a term called "Idiotic Compassion", which essentially means some of us work our buts off trying to help/change people who in at least some ways, are playing games with us by using guilt, shame, humiliation, demands for pity.......you name it, so that we will"party along".
The ramifications from this sort of stuff can go from generation to generation.
Look to your closest needs, don't be suckered into guilt......you can only do your best, not the best demanded from all and sundry. Good luck!
I come from a mega dysfunctional family where psycho logic ruled the roost.
It largely involved my mother and grandmother; my father died P.O.W. Burma Road.
I left home at round 15 when Mum had a love child.
I won't go into details re all the crazy stuff that went on during my childhood.
Separation from this stuff is acutely difficult. Did you ever read Games People Play by Eric Berne? Well that nothing to dealing with manipulative and disturbed people; manipulation being a major feature.
The Buddhists use a term called "Idiotic Compassion", which essentially means some of us work our buts off trying to help/change people who in at least some ways, are playing games with us by using guilt, shame, humiliation, demands for pity.......you name it, so that we will"party along".
The ramifications from this sort of stuff can go from generation to generation.
Look to your closest needs, don't be suckered into guilt......you can only do your best, not the best demanded from all and sundry. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
This move you are preparing for is just unknown territory and you are understandably anxious. You are an adult and you and your husband can move away and be as involved as you want. As little or as much as you want. Just go ahead with your plans and let her do what she does. You can't control her actions but you can control your reactions to what she does. She sounds like a very lonely woman to play such games.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
My boyfriend comes from a dsyfunctional family and when we moved 10 hours away we didn't tell them our exact address. For us it has allowed us to relax without having to worry every time there is a knock at that door that it might be them. The last thing I want is a surprise visit.
From what you have posted, I prob. wouldn't tell her my address. It sounds like she would def. just show up and since it is far, she will prob. try to sleep over. It sounds like she has caused alot of drama in your life and if you don't want to deal with it anymore, this move could be the perfect opportunity to cut ties.
In the end, do what is best for you and your family. Sure, you might feel guilt at first, but that will most likely quickly pass once you realize she isn't meeting you outside of the children's schools, pulling into you drive way, or even worse randomly showing up with a bunch of suit cases for a big long surprise visit from grandma!
From what you have posted, I prob. wouldn't tell her my address. It sounds like she would def. just show up and since it is far, she will prob. try to sleep over. It sounds like she has caused alot of drama in your life and if you don't want to deal with it anymore, this move could be the perfect opportunity to cut ties.
In the end, do what is best for you and your family. Sure, you might feel guilt at first, but that will most likely quickly pass once you realize she isn't meeting you outside of the children's schools, pulling into you drive way, or even worse randomly showing up with a bunch of suit cases for a big long surprise visit from grandma!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Thanks everyone for your input! 
Murchovski, I have not heard of the Berne book, but I will look it up. What you describe sounds just like my family.
Kialua, I think you are exactly right that most of this is stemming from anxiety about the upcoming move. I am excited beyond words, but for whatever reason, all of these issues with my family are resurfacing even though I thought I had a pretty good handle.
Maylie, the scenario you describe of a surprise visit with the expectation of staying at our house sounds awful (yet realistic). My grandmother did something like this years ago. We had a family reunion in another state, and she was miffed because part of the family had been unresponsive to her for years, and they declined the invitation to the reunion. All of us who live in my current city were piled into one car, and she instructed my uncle (the driver) to go to their house, where we parked across the street while my grandmother watched the house for over an hour. Eventually one of the women came out with her arms crossed, and although she was not impolite, it was obvious that she was not happy to see us. My grandmother tried weaseling her way into the house to no avail. Ugh, it sends shivers down my spine. I can't see giving my family our address after we move. She's been obsessed lately with wanting to know our exact move date, and I don't even want to tell her that much information. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't give a second thought to answering such a question, but over the decades, I have repeatedly regretted sharing any personal information with my grandmother.
Murchovski, I have not heard of the Berne book, but I will look it up. What you describe sounds just like my family.
Kialua, I think you are exactly right that most of this is stemming from anxiety about the upcoming move. I am excited beyond words, but for whatever reason, all of these issues with my family are resurfacing even though I thought I had a pretty good handle.
Maylie, the scenario you describe of a surprise visit with the expectation of staying at our house sounds awful (yet realistic). My grandmother did something like this years ago. We had a family reunion in another state, and she was miffed because part of the family had been unresponsive to her for years, and they declined the invitation to the reunion. All of us who live in my current city were piled into one car, and she instructed my uncle (the driver) to go to their house, where we parked across the street while my grandmother watched the house for over an hour. Eventually one of the women came out with her arms crossed, and although she was not impolite, it was obvious that she was not happy to see us. My grandmother tried weaseling her way into the house to no avail. Ugh, it sends shivers down my spine. I can't see giving my family our address after we move. She's been obsessed lately with wanting to know our exact move date, and I don't even want to tell her that much information. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't give a second thought to answering such a question, but over the decades, I have repeatedly regretted sharing any personal information with my grandmother.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 85
I'm with the peanut gallery on this one - you don't have to give her or anyone else your address or move date or any additional info. And she sounds like a twisty old bird and that giving her any of this information wouldn't be a good idea for you and yours.
Jeez, don't you wish sometimes that the filter between your primitive brain and your civilized brain could just dissolve for a while so you could actually just haul off and say what you are *really* thinking? I know I do!!
Jeez, don't you wish sometimes that the filter between your primitive brain and your civilized brain could just dissolve for a while so you could actually just haul off and say what you are *really* thinking? I know I do!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said already.... But I did want to say that I think you are heading into a very positive chapter in your life! 
I moved to another country three years ago, and now I see my family situation like a Seurat painting. Up close you see just dots (negative interactions or drama), but when you back up, you see the picture for what it actually is. It has been very uncomfortable at times. But many good things came of it.
I moved to another country three years ago, and now I see my family situation like a Seurat painting. Up close you see just dots (negative interactions or drama), but when you back up, you see the picture for what it actually is. It has been very uncomfortable at times. But many good things came of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by dollydo 
I agree with the other posters, it is your choice to share your life or not.
I don't mind a visit with her per se, but usually it turns into "oh you don't mind if Grandma comes too, right?" as they are arriving. Then there are also a lot of questions and digging for information. Also, as much as I like this particular aunt (lots of fond memories with her, and she supports my estrangement from my mom), she has been an addict for most of her life. She is a heavy (multiple times daily) user of crack and alcohol, and I have no clue when / if she is sober. She manages to stay decently functioning. My grandmother handles her finances so that she keeps up with her bills and other financial obligations, and her violently abusive husband keeps them in supply of drugs. Honestly? Just not the kind of person I want in my house or around my kids, even though I know and care about her as my aunt and can see the person behind the addiction. I may end up doing a last minute cancel (kind of like I talked about in another thread that I have tried very hard to stop doing).
I really wish to be left alone by my family of origin, even though I don't have ill feelings toward most of them. However, it's very difficult for me to set these boundaries because of the resistance that I know I will encounter. I also truly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make them feel "not good enough" to be in my life or in my home. It's just that I vowed to keep that stuff out of my kids' lives because I hated being around it when I was growing up. Sorry for this rant. I've got a headache over this looming visit tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Intrepid
I appreciate reading this and all the similar sentiments. Right now I am struggling as one of my aunts has been very insistent on wanting to come over and spend time with my children before we move. I've been evasive and avoidant, but couldn't avoid it any longer and now have arranged for her to come over for a visit tomorrow morning.
I don't mind a visit with her per se, but usually it turns into "oh you don't mind if Grandma comes too, right?" as they are arriving.
I don't mind a visit with her per se, but usually it turns into "oh you don't mind if Grandma comes too, right?" as they are arriving.
Cut the cord -- when you move, don't give out your address or phone number. Just because they have some of the same DNA does not mean ****. I mean, what century do they think we're living in, exactly?
Toxic people don't change. It's only us non-toxic people that can see what they're doing!
T
PS -- Regarding "I feel powerless against my grandmother." You do have one ace in the hole -- she's much older than you, so eventually... she'll be gone! As I used to say about my father, "I don't need to win this game, all I need is a tie, and run out the clock." I hated to put it that way, but that's how it was.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by tromboneliness
These people have NO RIGHT to invade your house. They have NO RIGHT to see your kids. Or any of that. If the question should come up, yes, YOU DO MIND if Grandma comes, too.
Cut the cord -- when you move, don't give out your address or phone number. Just because they have some of the same DNA does not mean ****. I mean, what century do they think we're living in, exactly?
Toxic people don't change. It's only us non-toxic people that can see what they're doing!
T
PS -- Regarding "I feel powerless against my grandmother." You do have one ace in the hole -- she's much older than you, so eventually... she'll be gone! As I used to say about my father, "I don't need to win this game, all I need is a tie, and run out the clock." I hated to put it that way, but that's how it was.
Cut the cord -- when you move, don't give out your address or phone number. Just because they have some of the same DNA does not mean ****. I mean, what century do they think we're living in, exactly?
Toxic people don't change. It's only us non-toxic people that can see what they're doing!
T
PS -- Regarding "I feel powerless against my grandmother." You do have one ace in the hole -- she's much older than you, so eventually... she'll be gone! As I used to say about my father, "I don't need to win this game, all I need is a tie, and run out the clock." I hated to put it that way, but that's how it was.
Funny that you mention my grandmother being older. I have had the same thought many times. I am fairly certain that the drama within the larger context of my family will die when she dies.
Setting boundaries and saying "no" is still an area of struggle for me. I feel like I struck gold with the "best of" sticky thread on this board. Great wisdom in there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
