EternalOptimism

So, unfortunately this is a bit of a lengthy story, but I feel like all the information is needed in order for someone to understand what's going on and hopefully be able to offer some advice. But I apologize in advance.

SM and I have known each other for 2 years. He is very close friends with my sister and her husband and has been for a long time. When we met, he was on leave from the war, and suffice it to say, there were instant fireworks between us. We were mutually dumbfounded. But he was in the military, and 5 years younger than me (he's 25 and I'm 30), so I just went about my way. We hung out several times here and there, and then he got back from the military for good about 10 months ago, and we hung out here and there a bit more often. We both liked each other, but neither of us would move on it.

Now comes the craziness. The week before Christmas this year, we ran into each other at a sports bar randomly. We talked a little but I was talking to several other guys and he proceeded to attach himself to my sister and tell her how I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known, and he'll never be good enough for me and blah blah blah. But he seemed sad, and I noticed it a few times that night. Anyway, the next day I just had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to talk to him, so I messaged him and asked him to be my date for New Years, which he happily accepted. He then called me on Christmas Day and said he was really depressed and asked if we could hang out, so we did, and it was wonderful. Aside from the fact that I knew he was on something. I didn't know what, but I knew it was something (It was Xanax.....lots of it). So after that day I didn't hear from him for 2 days, and I just had this gut-wrenching feeling that something was wrong and he needed me. Boy was I ever right. Over the course of the next week, he wrecked his car 3 times and went to jail 3 times, so I stayed with him and helped him and tried to make sure he was ok. I had to get mean with him, but it worked. There was a lot of crying on his part and deep conversation about wanting to stop the pills , but he listened to me and stayed sober for 7 days just with me. But then he relapsed. His mother and I agreed that we should call the police and so he was taken into in-patient treatment at the VA for a week. They put him on suboxone, and he's been out and sober for 23 days. He's gotten a job that he hasn't been missing. He started school full time and has been doing his work and studying, and he's generally just doing really well right now, which I am sooooooo happy about. The problem now is that it seems like he has pushed me away. When we were going through all of that craziness, he was very open and we shared so many intimate moments. He told me I was his angel (and so did his parents...lol). But now he has seemed to withdraw from me. He still communicates with me every day, and he's sweet and asks about my day, but it's not warm and engaged like it was before. And he used to want to be with me any chance we could, and now it seems like it doesn't matter whether he sees me or not. I understand that he is going through a lot, and he's trying to adjust to normal life again, and I have been very patient. But it hurts me, and I don't know if it's just something that he can't help right now because of what he's going through, or if he doesn't want the relationship anymore. We were in the trenches together.....BIG TIME for a month, and now it's like all of that never happened. The intimacy has vanished. And the problem with all of this is that I love him, and I don't want to make a horrible choice and abandon him because of my hurt, if he needs me there. But I also don't want to be kept around out of obligation because I helped save his life.

I guess the overall question I have with all of this is, should I take this behavior personally and take the hint and go? Or should I stay and support him and just back up a bit in terms of the relationship aspect? I DO NOT want to lose him as a friend, if I have him as nothing else. And I DO NOT want to do anything to jeopardize his recovery. But I also do not want to stay where I am not wanted.....escpecially with everything I've been through with him already and the emotional roller coaster I've been on. My heart can't take it.

Anyway, my apologies again for the novel. Any insights about this would be greatly appreciated.

angel1018

The more I read your post the more I could relate. My boyfriend is going through recovery and will be 30 days clean on Saturday. The first week he insisted he needed me, loved me, I was his angel, begged that I stay over every night, come over directly after work, called and texts all day. He needed me. After that week he was still needing me, the intimacy was back, he was amazing to say the least. His life revolved around me. I couldn't believe it -- to good to be true I'm thinking. That slowly went away -- I know he's sober bc he is in treatment with weekly drug testing and I've gone to family/friends night. He lives home w his parents support. So I know he's sober it's just that he's changed. He's moody. Selfish. Basically I'm 2nd to everything a majority of the time. We still spend every day together but he's distanced himself a lot. It hurts very much but I'm being told its part of the process. They need to find themselves, focus on themselves and they can't fulfill our needs as well theirs. It's a long process and we just hang to take it one day at a time. Thanks for sharing your story -- it feels better to know I'm not the only one feeling this way

BeavsDad

Ask him. Believe him.

He may just need some time or he may want to move on.

Either way, you'll get through it.

You may just dodge a bullet...

oooopps

I cant help but point out there is something really wrong with this part:

A healthy individual does not need another person to need him/her to validate their own self worth or need another person to revolve their life around him/her. A healthy relationship should include a balanced amount of intimacy, communication, and closeness but not operate on some kind of "I-need-you-in-my-life-to function" kinda thing.

Seems like you thrive on your addict boyfriend needing you and that will always be a hurting spot for you because addicts will never be consistent with their mood and behavior. Thus, your sense of self cannot be based on their mood and behavior fluctuation.

Maybe just something to look into internally.

angel1018

I appreciate your input. I'm not a needy person and I agree that an addict will never be able to fulfill your needs bc when he was using he was so inconsistent. It was just refreshing when he became clean to feel some "normalcy" -- again, I wouldn't consider myself needy. I was just so neglected while he was using that all the attention was unexpected and amazing.

EternalOptimism

Thank you guys. It does help to know that this is not abnormal under the circumstances, and someone else is going through the same. Not that I'm glad that you are. It just helps me feel less alone.

And I do think I should talk to him. I think I'm just afraid of what the answer will be.

Lily1918

hmmm.... well, for me I can relate. its all about trust. I like to talk in metaphors because I think in pictures not words so here goes. In my mind when my Boo was in active addiction he was like my dog. needy, clingy, jumping on me every time I walked through the door, and would just die of loneliness without me. I am beginning to learn, that healthy people are more like cats. does miss kitty love me? sure she does!!! but she only wants me to pet her sometimes, she knows when Im sad and comes to comfort me, but she doesn't follow me around the house like the dog does. She also needs her alone time, whereas the dog hates it, and will tear the house to shreds. the cat also doesn't always come when she's called, but she does most of the time. My dog is restricted to the backyard or a leash because he can't be trusted, but miss kitty gets to come and go out the front door whenever she chooses because I know she will never run away and will always come home, unless she gets hit by a car or catnapped, and I can't control either of those things and it isn't fair to miss kitty to keep her locked in the house because she is well behaved. so when she goes out the door I trust her to always come back, and in god to protect her. sorry this is so long, and I hope it makes sense. I am new to all of this too, and my understanding is limited, but I think this is kinda like what the difference is between a person in recovery and a person who is not, codies and addicts alike.

hello-kitty

This isn't about you enternaloptimism. It's about him. He's a really messed up guy. Not really the kind of guy who's capable of having a healthy relationship right now. And nothing you do will fix him. Or save him. Or change the fact that he's super screwed up. But what about you? Maybe it's time to focus on yourself and figure out why you are so driven to invite his kind of chaos into your life. It's often a sign of codependence. Codependents aren't capable of healthy relationships anymore than addicts are - until they address the issues that cause them to be codependent in the first place. Just think about it. Most healthy people (we sometimes call them "normies") would run like hell from a guy in his situation but you seem drawn to it like a moth to a flame. So instead of worrying about what his answer will be, maybe ask yourself, why it matters. I agree with Beav's dad. You have just dodged a bullet. Please don't put yourself back on the firing range.

hello-kitty

I just got a naughty, needy little puppy and this makes absolute sense to me. Yikes! ;-)

EternalOptimism

Ok, you guys have just blown my mind. I googled codependency and.......WOW. Major AHA moment. And seriously, the cat metaphor got me too. I should be a cat, but I'm a damn dog! WTF!

Lily1918

Im a dog too! and not even a rotwieler! lol! Im a yippie little purse dog! :ghug3

constantlylearn

Try out codepebdency no more.


Awesome book. Seriously. I didn't know until I googled either. Welcome to the club!

hello-kitty

This is an awesome cheat sheet for codependence in a relationship. And gives you tips on how to get through it.

Codependency For Dummies Cheat Sheet - For Dummies

dasiydoc

I downloaded this book because everyone said it was so great. I read about three chapters but I didnt relate to it so much so I put it down. I like the dog and cat metaphor, but I think I must be a cat. Sometimes I might be a cat pretending to be a small dog, but I guess the meow would give me away in the end.

bamboo38

thanks, hello-kitty, for the cheat-sheet link! Great stuff.

ave

EternalOptimism, I feel for you. But I just had to clarify something from your OP...

Did you say you were with this guy since like, Christmas??? So it's been a month, and right at the beginning, he dropped this drug addiction bomb??? Just food for thought... what is holding you to this relationship? It doesn't seem like there was any time in which a real bond was forged between you guys... your bond appears to stem only from helping him through that first week, when you barely knew him... and now it is already painful for you to continue... the advice I keep getting, and that I would give to my best friend in that situation, would be to cut your losses and move on. You do not have any long standing ties to him, you are not obligated to him. I became hooked on the feeling of being "needed" when my A relapsed and was detoxing... but this is very dangerous territory!! He can not "need" you forever - he needs to find a HP to rely on, and a network of sober people, if he is going to stay sober. He can not GIVE you anything right now - he needs to learn to care for himself first, and that will require everything he has. Also, if you have only known him using, you may not actually "click" with him in sobriety.

Also chuckled a little at the "my angel" stories.... mine said that to me too when he was detoxing after the first relapse in November... made me feel so special and important haha but oh man, they (and we) really are not unique, huh? :P

Kindeyes

A good codependent will get a charge (emotional and psychological) out of being needed. It's sort of like a drug for us in a way. It boosts our low self esteem. We think we're in control, calling the shots so that things go just the way we think they should. It's a pretty powerful high.

When that "dosage" of need is reduced, we feel symptoms similar to withdrawal. We become fearful, anxious, and insecure.

This has been my experience with my own codependence.....it is only one facet of a multifaceted issue.

Working on my codependent issues has helped me in every part of my life.....not just as it relates to the addict. It's worth it to work it.

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

when the boo was detoxing I was on a codies binge and knew it. he asked me how I was handling it so well. I told him "Im not. you're kicking now, but my withdrawl will come when you leave" he couldn't quite wrap his head around it. imagine though, changing sheets, clean clothes, drawing the bath, kicking his but to go workout... the list goes on and on... Im so glad to be working my program. I will NEVER help someone through detox again. that is a boundary I have made that I know I will not break. not because of the experience of it in and of itself, but because of what it did to my heart after.

h00ped

Love your name EternalOptimism - I've often thought how I was an eternal optimist, in contrast to XABF who seemed to see the glass not just half full, but glass shattered. I expended a lot of my energy trying to transfer my joie de vivre, optimism, hope, faith and discipline to him.

If this is a new relationship and he's an addict, underneath the addiction is a hurting individual who hasn't learned to process and regulate his negative emotions (unless he's a sociopath). But here's the kicker - we can't do a darn thing to change them and can totally lose ourselves in the nurturing, support, fixing role.

If you're new to this forum, read every post you can daily in the Friends and Family section, and let it sink in what a relationship with an active addict is like. There's so much strength you can glean - you'll hear repeatedly that you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and can't CONTROL it (from AlAnon), which is freeing, you'll hear over and over again how we can overcome our own codependent tendencies and triggers, and also learn about predictable patterns of addiction, which can save you (and me) a lot of pain to leave relationships like this now, work on ourselves, and leave the A to God/Higher Power and professionals - if/when the A is ready to receive such help.

But it doesn't mean we don't love and care for the people, but we take our hands off the saving/fixing part!

EternalOptimism

[QUOTE=ave;3799121] Did you say you were with this guy since like, Christmas??? So it's been a month, and right at the beginning, he dropped this drug addiction bomb???

Yes, we have technically been "seeing" each other since right before Christmas, but we have had short periods of closeness before that neither of us ever really moved on, and we have been friends for two years. It would be kinda crazy if all of this had happened and we had just met or something though...lol.