Should I go no contact?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Should I go no contact?
How do you know when you need to go no contact? What are the benefits? My AH is living with is parents as of 2 weeks ago. He is supposedly going to NA meetings. I don't miss him. I'm happier without him in my home. He misses me terribly. Constantly texts me. As long as he doesn't text me, I don't think about him, but when he does text me, I get drawn back in. I enjoy our conversations.
I was considering going no contact with him for a little while for my own sanity, but he has said he really needs my support during his recovery. As in, he would like to be able to talk to me as a friend. I'm wondering if no contact is too harsh right now? It's not like he is causing any outrageous drama right now. It's just the lovey-dovey texts that I don't know how to respond to because my feelings for him are gone at the moment. I am not ready for our marriage to end, just need some space while we focus on our respective recoveries.
I was considering going no contact with him for a little while for my own sanity, but he has said he really needs my support during his recovery. As in, he would like to be able to talk to me as a friend. I'm wondering if no contact is too harsh right now? It's not like he is causing any outrageous drama right now. It's just the lovey-dovey texts that I don't know how to respond to because my feelings for him are gone at the moment. I am not ready for our marriage to end, just need some space while we focus on our respective recoveries.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Try it and you will see the benefits. More than anything it is a break from the chaos. But it's difficult to maintain until you are ready. Set small goals. One day at a time. Every day, I say just for today I am not going to see him. And then just for today I am not going to see him and I am not going to answer the phone. And then now no texts. And now no emails. And now I am not responding to anything. Next I need to stop opening emails and then next I need to put a set amount of time. The forever thing is too much right now. I have had to phase it out and others rip off the band-aid and go cold turkey. I have slipped many times. It gives you what YOU need. Time and space to feel what you feel without the influence of an active addict. It's no longer about what they need. To thine own self be true. I do believe that what is meant to be will be if you let it go. Fighting for it did not help. He is still an active addict. It hurts but going back at this point is not worth experiencing anything worse than I already have. I believe I will get through this and if and when you decide, you will too. Either way, you will be stronger.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hi Violet,
Sorry you are going through this. That is such a hard question. The bolded part below stood out to me:
So he knows how to ask for what he he thinks he needs. And he probably does it without much thought about what others around him need.
But do you know how to ask for what you need?
One of the hardest things about dealing with an addict is that. We're focused on them and their needs and it takes a long time and alot of pain before we figure out that we need to shift our focus.
It could be just my own experiences speaking to me, but I read guilt and some fear in your post; guilt for wanting to do what you need to do for you, fear that if you do it the effect on him will be detrimental to his recovery. I think only you can answer your question - "Should I go no contact?"
But I can tell you that you have a right to do so without guilt or fear.
Taking care of ourselves is a responsibility, not a luxury and our choices are not going to cause our loved ones to choose addiction or sobriety.
Please do what is best for you.
- Hanna
Sorry you are going through this. That is such a hard question. The bolded part below stood out to me:
Originally Posted by VioletSmile 
I was considering going no contact with him for a little while for my own sanity, but he has said he really needs my support during his recovery.
But do you know how to ask for what you need?
One of the hardest things about dealing with an addict is that. We're focused on them and their needs and it takes a long time and alot of pain before we figure out that we need to shift our focus.
It could be just my own experiences speaking to me, but I read guilt and some fear in your post; guilt for wanting to do what you need to do for you, fear that if you do it the effect on him will be detrimental to his recovery. I think only you can answer your question - "Should I go no contact?"
But I can tell you that you have a right to do so without guilt or fear.
Taking care of ourselves is a responsibility, not a luxury and our choices are not going to cause our loved ones to choose addiction or sobriety.
Please do what is best for you.
- Hanna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Hanna
So he knows how to ask for what he he thinks he needs. And he probably does it without much thought about what others around him need.
But do you know how to ask for what you need?
But do you know how to ask for what you need?
I think I need to spend some more time figuring out what I need and what boundaries I need to put up.
Thanks for the replies.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 69
My EXABF said similar things via letters while in rehab. How he needed to know I was there for him etc....and that his recovery depended on it.
As others have stated, your recovery is just as important as his. You need to do what's best for you so that you are in a positive state of mind and can be at peace without the active addict chaos.
The lack of feelings for him is normal, been there myself, you pretty much feel numb and when he says sincere things, you get a glim of hope that there might be something there. Unfortunatley, those words are still the words of his addiction. His actions will speak volumes over his words!
You are not alone! This forum helped me out tremendously! Hang in there hun! ((((hugs))))
As others have stated, your recovery is just as important as his. You need to do what's best for you so that you are in a positive state of mind and can be at peace without the active addict chaos.
The lack of feelings for him is normal, been there myself, you pretty much feel numb and when he says sincere things, you get a glim of hope that there might be something there. Unfortunatley, those words are still the words of his addiction. His actions will speak volumes over his words!
You are not alone! This forum helped me out tremendously! Hang in there hun! ((((hugs))))
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband "needed" me too. He needed my support, my faith, and my hope. I was his little cheering section. It became painfully obvious that I was still putting his needs first.
When he relapsed, I felt like all my efforts where a wasted. I was very angry at him but in reality - more at myself. I felt more manipulate then ever. I still had "expectations" but ha tried to convince myself I didn't.
His recovery is his now. Either he wants/needs it, or he doesn't. I am powerless!!
When he relapsed, I felt like all my efforts where a wasted. I was very angry at him but in reality - more at myself. I felt more manipulate then ever. I still had "expectations" but ha tried to convince myself I didn't.
His recovery is his now. Either he wants/needs it, or he doesn't. I am powerless!!
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