EnnuiStasis

I don’t know how long my husband has been drinking every night, and until recently I wasn’t really aware of just how MUCH he drinks every night.

My husband and I have been living in the same house for 8 years and married for 3 of those years. Though I’d suspected he had an alcohol problem a few times in the past, it didn’t really seem like a big deal. I guess he is what would be called a high functioning alcoholic ~ he never makes trouble or gets into trouble while drinking. However, the sheer volume of his alcohol intake is something to be concerned about.

I feel so stupid that I didn’t see what was happening under my own nose. I’m overwhelmed to realize the extent of the alcoholism, scared, confused, just bewildered by it all.

whiskeyman

my family didnt know the extent of my drinking either.
they knew i drank some, but lordy, did i drink. blackouts couple times a week.
i never made trouble (so i thought) but now that i am sober i can see the trouble i made was all my doing.

maybe now is the time to have a nice heart to heart

should he go get some help.

EnnuiStasis

Ok, I don't see an edit button, so that doesn't seem to be an option.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, both on this site and elsewhere about alcohol dependency/addiction ~ and how spouses and families deal with it.

So BLUF ~ Bottom Line Up Front. How likely is it that this is never going to be any better (long term)? That I need to just put on my big girl panties and walk away? That he made his choice for a relationship with alcohol before I ever even came on scene? Is that cold-hearted or realistic?

I love this man dearly, and he is a good man. It has become obvious to me that he's also an alcoholic man though, and that he has been quite adept at hiding that from me. I don't know if that's intentional, habit or what... but it feels like a lack of trust and a lack of honesty. If the whole relationship was built on top of a lie (that being he had a secret alcohol dependency), am I just wasting my time and my life?

EnnuiStasis

Thanks whiskeyman. My husband used to tell me his limit was 4 beers, or 5, or 6, but I often noticed his count was off--or he wouldn't count a couple of shots of hard liquor in addition to the beer. He also has regular blackouts and "wandering in his sleep" that concern me.

His recent drink of choice is 80 proof liquor. He's very precise about his drinking--gets everything done in the evening, takes a shower, THEN about 10 or 11 he starts. It doesn't last long because he has to be up before 6am for work, but regularly it's 11oz, 9oz, 10oz, 16oz... the very least being 5oz of hard liquor EVERY single night. When I started thinking back, I couldn't think of a single night since we got together 8 years ago when he didn't have some kind of alcohol to drink--and never just A beer, or A shot.

Dee74

Welcome EnnuiStasis
You can edit your posts - but only for a window of 15 minutes

Have you spoken to your husband about this yet? If you did what was his response?

I'm glad you've found our Family and Friends section - you'll find a lot of support down there too

D

EnnuiStasis

Hi Dee74 and thanks for the welcome.

Over the years, the topic of DH's drinking has come up several times, though I didn't realize the extent of it at the time. He would always say he was going to cut back, and sometimes did for a while. But we've never really talked about it honestly ~ even the amount of the drinking. He used to say he just liked the taste of beer, though he quit drinking beer and has been drinking hard liquor only for several months. I can't demand he just stop because I don't think physically he can. (Our doctor has brought up the subject several times to him, and when I spoke to the doctor last he advised me to wait to say anything else until he (the doctor) had spoken to him again.)

DH complaining about the doctor only wanting to talk about his drinking the last few appointments is actually what got my attention and made me start checking just how much he was drinking. I don't know if something wonky showed up on his medical tests or what.

It's so tempting to just ask, "How many years have you been drinking every single day?" because it has to be longer than the 8 years we've been together. He's very sensitive about anything that can in any way be perceived as criticism though, and very defensive. Although in some ways I feel angry and betrayed by this--the secrecy, the non-disclosure at the start--I don't want to hurt him or make him feel worse... or end up in an hours-long discussion/arguement that goes nowhere.

He's been very good to me and is amazingly patient with my own issues and faults. I'm just terribly confused, overwhelmed and feeling incredibly alone with this.

whiskeyman

noticed his count was off--or he wouldn't count a couple of shots of hard liquor

that is funny cuz my count was always way off too.
usually way far off. Count on double the amount that he says.