Nonsensical

I am coming off a bender. My hands are trembling as I type. I woke up Sunday night/Monday morning about 0100. I had a bottle with 2 or 3 shots of Jack Daniels in my laptop bag and a bottle of wine in my car. I knew they wouldn't be enough to knock me out, but I drank them anyways. I called in sick to work (left the boss a message) about 0230. Then I went to work at 0700. I left work at about 0830. I bought a bottle of wine and drank most of it on my way home.

When I got home my daughter was still sleeping. So, I drank the rest of the wine. I tried to sleep, but still could not. My daughter was up by then so I told her I was going to Lowe's. I went to Lowe's, the liquor store, 7-11, Home Depot, and a restaurant for lunch. I ate a burger and 2 shots of Jack Daniels then went home with a bottle of wine, a pint of vodka, half pint of Jack Daniels and a Jack Daniels nipper bottle. I have no idea why I chose that combination. I drank that nipper of Jack first, then uncorked the wine.

I attempted to engage my daughter in conversation so that I didn't look drunk. She told me I stank, so I knew she knew. I went to my workshop and sanded on my current project. And dank another bottle of wine. I opened the half pint of Jack and took a big hit right from the bottle. It made me vomit in the garbage can, so I decided to slow down.

I went in the house and got on the internet. I went to a website featuring Filipina webcam girls. It's designed to be porn, but I actually just like to chat with the girls. Most of them are very nice and really appreciate getting paid with their clothes on and just chatting with me. I know it seems improbable, but when I am blown up drunk, its something I like to do. They treat me like I am a hero. They cannot see me, they only read what I type. I don't think they know I am really just a low down dirty drunk.

After a while I wanted beer. My keys were missing. I asked my daughter if she hid them and she admitted she had. I told her I admired her chutzpah and asked for a ride to the store. She begrudgingly gave me one. She made me go to several other stops first. It was painful. Good for her.

When we got home I started drinking the beer and taking swigs from my JD bottle. When my wife got home I was awake, but mostly comatose watching TV. After dinner I retired to another room so that when I fell asleep I would be out of the way. I drank the rest of that six pack of beer and the half pint of JD. I woke up on the couch at about 0500 this morning.

I crawled into bed with my wife, gingerly. There was a decent chance she was going to kick me out, but she did not. I wrapped my self around her so I could get maximum skin contact between us. The feel of her skin is incredibly soothing to me. So is her smell.

At 0600 she got in the shower. I got in with her and washed her. It was my apology. No sex, just soap. I washed her from head to toe. Then she told me I have 3 options:
Get sober
Move out
Have her move out

I called in sick again today. I am detoxing hard, and I feel just horrible. I am eating some soup and that seems to be helping. I poured out the vodka. The smell of it nearly made me gag. I will wish I had it back in a few hours, though. It makes me so sad. I have a great life. Why do I want to get drunk and miss out on it?

bbthumper

Welcome my friend. Sounds like you're ready for a change. Its a vicious cycle. The good news is that it can end.
I have recovered and am sober 4+ years now. I used to drink not to feel drunk but to feel "right." Booze seemed to make my skin fit. Without it I was restless, irritable, discontent, anxious, bored, depressed etc. Alcohol was a great fix for that for a long time. Unfortunately it became less and less effective and started creating more and more problems. I went through treatment and jumped into AA with both feet. I am relieved of any desire to drink and my life has improved in so many ways.
Youll find a lot of support here. Many people have gotten sober many ways. Your best bet in my opinion would be to start with your doctor. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous and potentially lethal. A safe detox is essential.
Best wishes to you. You can do this.

Mulch

Ditto - sounds like you're ready to make a change, and this is a great opportunity. Your wife is still on board with you and it sounds like she will support you. Ask for her help in making your plan from here forward, and then let her help, and let her know how much you appreciate her. (Your daughter, as well.)

They WILL be proud of you, even now as you shake and feel sick, and make your way to a sober you. They see you trying - what a wonderful thing.

(Also ditto the medical help, especially if you've been drinking like this, ongoing, for awhile.)

Good luck. Keep checking in. Keep coming back!

Nonsensical

Thanks. I am drinking lots of water and texting my wife periodically. Given my track record she is wondering if she is going to come home to another hot mess tonight. I am trying to assure her that she won't tonight. I am also drinking some coffee so that caffeine withdrawal doesn't add to my symptoms.

BabyJane

I hope you find the willingness to do ANYTHING to stay sober. My mother just left my father after 30 years of (mostly happy) marriage due to his drinking. Don't think she will keep giving you another chance because she won't. Eventually she will get tired of it and leave, especially if that's what she's saying now. I'm sure you already know this, and I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm an alcoholic too, so I've been there. The good news is that recovery is possible. You still have a chance to save your life. I'll be praying for you today. Get rest and don't drink.

paul99

I drank like that. I was a hot mess myself indeed. You are blessed to have a family that still cares for you, but are also at the end of their rope. We only get so many chances. I was asked to leave the house for a while, so I know how it feels to be on my own. Your family alone won't keep you sober, and while you feel bad, you know the drill - you start to feel better, the solemn promises to the family start to fade, the boss seems ok and the guilt creeps up. Drinky time.

It only gets worse.

Like bbthumper, I got into treatment and into AA. My life depended on getting into a program of recovery. I couldn't do it on my own. I hope that you take this time to do something about it. That's lots of booze in your system. Detoxing after that might be dangerous. Go to your doctor and be completely honest with them on your usage. Give yourself a good start in your sobriety.

All the best - keep posting.

Cheers

whiskeyman

a treatment program will show her that you mean business and that your life with her is more important then booze.
call a center today and show her you mean business. go to an AA meeting tonite.
anything to help yourself. If you sit around the house you will drink or your mind will be so consumed with it you might as well drink.

She deserves it. You deserve it

Nonsensical

Thanks, I appreciate the supportive posts.

I am coming to believe I will need a program in order to stay sober. The longest I have stayed sober for the past few years has been 16 days. That was in November of 2011. This January I made it 14 days. Then that bottle was just calling me.

I am on a new guy probationary period at work, so I don't want to rock the boat and lose my job. Of course, calling in sick isn't making me look too good at the moment anyway.

I tried AA some years back. I went to 59 meetings in 60 days. Been to a few more over the years. Probably have 6 or 7 white chips. Around here they hand out different colored poker chips to denote length of sobriety. White chips are for beginners. Probably time to go get another one. I doubt I'll go tonight. I feel quite terrible and there's very little risk of me drinking today. Tomorrow I have an evening class that I really enjoy. I haven't had a drink on a Wednesday since I started taking that class back in November. Might go on Thursday. I'm sure to be feeling that monkey on my back by then.

AA has never clicked for me. I don't know why. I've tried many different groups. I definitely feel some benefits to being around other people who understand what I am going through.

A few years ago I was at a meeting and I was sharing. I was talking about how nothing REALLY bad had ever happened to me as a result of my drinking. From across the room I heard a man's voice say, "yet". It made me somewhat indignant at the time. I thought it was rather presumptuous for someone to say that. I should find that guy and shake his hand. It's unbelievable that I have not yet had a disaster. I drive drunk frequently. I drank at work one day a few weeks ago.

I feel like I can see the bottom today, but I have felt like that before.

I may have had an account at this forum previously. I was a member at some recovery forum for a while. I don't remember which.

Anna

I don't go to to AA, but I suspect it might be that you were missing the motivation. I really think that if you want a sober life, more than anything else, you can do it, regardless of what program you use. And, there's lots of support here so keep posting.

ChooseSobriety

"They treat me like I am a hero. They cannot see me, they only read what I type. I don't think they know I am really just a low down dirty drunk"


Hello Nonsensical,

I just read your post and found the above quote quite interesting. It reminds me of myself in my earlier days of sobriety and even now over 15 years later ;-)

With that being said, I had to learn to believe that I was a hero and not label myself as a "low down dirty drunk" or any other negative term for that matter.

I see from reading your post that you also have the power of conscious choice as well. If you have chosen to have even the smallest amount of time sober you now know that you have a choice.

For me it wasn't that I was powerless over alcohol it was that I did not know how to cope with even the tiniest of emotions. I did not have even the basic coping skills.

I discovered early on that alcohol kept me from having to face anything or anyone. I drank because it made me feel secure, bold, important, the list is infinite.

I found that alcohol would fill all of the voids or lets say feelings of incompleteness or lack. In a nutshell, I had absolutely no coping skills!!

I am not powerless nor are you my friend :-)

Choices!!

Love,

CS

PS: If you ever need to chat shoot me a PM

plantme

chooseSoberiety, I'm also new here, and reading your post I felt so understood cause that's exactly why I drink.

I discovered early on that alcohol kept me from having to face anything or anyone. I drank because it made me feel secure, bold, important, the list is infinite.

I found that alcohol would fill all of the voids or lets say feelings of incompleteness or lack. In a nutshell, I had absolutely no coping skills!!


Thank you for sharing

Nonsensical

I am starting to feel better as the day progresses and the toxins are getting cleared out of my system. I am even feeling a little bit hungry. I'll go have some lunch after I post this. Bacon and some fried potato sound really good to me right now. Then I think I'll work in my wood shop. I can even run the saw today. I always avoid running the saw when I drink. I'd like to die with all my fingers still attached. Not today, mind you. Maybe in 40 years or so.

I think it will be good for me to be busy. Just sitting around on watching TV this morning. I need activity and exercise.

My wife called (probably to see if I was sober) and I told her I would look into getting into a program. I wonder if my insurance covers outpatient treatment.

Nonsensical

I ate and I feel almost normal physically now. Wouldn't you know that I am thinking about that vodka already. I am glad I poured it down the drain this morning. That lying bitch would be calling my name if I hadn't.

That's not the first time I've poured out alcohol. It was the first time I didn't make a show of it, though. A few times previously I made sure my wife saw me dumping out the liquor. My grand gesture to start the latest and greatest promise to be better. This time I just wanted to be rid of it.

I am ashamed that my daughter saw me that drunk, and knows that I drove that way. She is the youngest of 3 and I was able to hide my drinking habit from them for the most part. They knew I drank a lot, but I don't think they had any idea just how much. She called her brothers yesterday, so they knew. But knowing and seeing are two different things.

My wife has known for a while, of course. I used to hide some of it from her. I'd do things like buy 2 bottles and hide one so she'd only knew about half of what I was drinking. All those little games got sniffed out eventually, though. She's a clever woman. And drunks are notoriously sloppy about covering their trail after a certain point in the evening.

I find myself unmotivated to do much at the moment. I should go work in the wood shop, but I'm feeling lazy right now.

TrixMixer

[B]Like the gentleman in your AA meeting said, YET. Believe me , you need to stop before that happens--it will change you and your families life, especially IF you hurt someone or worse.

If you really want to stop make an appointment with your doctor, go on the record and begin your accountability. That might help--just my opinion.

Trix

Nonsensical

There's something to be said for accountability. Especially for me. I like 'getting over' almost as much as I like being drunk. When I quit drinking earlier this month I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out how I could get drunk and not get caught by my family. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. I got drunk, and they knew.

My class is on finance. I have already signed up for the next class in the series. I might try to do an MBA. My job will pay for most of it and I think it would be interesting.

Nonsensical

Several posts I have read to day have mentioned that those of us with alcohol dependency drink to fill a void in their life. I am wondering what my void is. I can accept that I have one, but I don't really know what it is. Or how to discover what it is.

My life is not hard. I am reasonably healthy. I'm alcoholic of course, and 50 pounds overweight, but I don't have a missing limb or cancer. My family is all healthy. My wife and I have substantial incomes. We just bought a new home and put a big swimming pool out back. Our children are beautiful and becoming successful on their own.

I often feel that I am just bored. Everything is too easy for me. I lived in Africa for a while. I saw some of the most abysmal poverty that exists. Those people would love to have my problems for a day. Because I don't really have any. Yet I hide from my life in the bottle. Again - it makes no sense.

My wife has postulated that I am trying to sabotage myself. That I am trying to make my life harder so that I have challenges. She notes that when I was younger and we were just starting out I didn't drink like this. Life was harder and I rose to the challenges.

Nonsensical

My daughter has class tonight so it will be just my wife and I for dinner. The topic of conversation will certainly be my plan for recovery. I need to make one. She can help me make the plan. It effects her, too, obviously.

There's a guy at work who recently went through an out-patient program. Perhaps I will ask him for a recommendation. He seems to be staying sober. I wonder if he suspects me of being an alcoholic.

Pondlady

Maybe try counseling? If you've tried to sneak drinks before, you'll need some type of accountability. It's great your wife is supportive, but she can't do this for you.....you have to want it for yourself. Please keep posting. If you feel like drinking, get on here and post that you need support NOW. That's the great thing about SR, there is always someone here to listen and support.

Pamel

BTW, Nonsensical, I never had to work hard at anything, and consequently people always saw the "best"; they never saw what was developing underneath: a sense that I was a phony and unworthy of their belief in me. Not good.

I am sure there is more to say about this but it is getting late; hanging in there with you...