Charlie0414

Hello, I am seeking some help and I am hoping this will help me. I've been dating this guy for 11 months now. I love him with all my heart and he loves me. Because I work 4-12 shifts I never noticed how much he actually drank. He came to me and said "Lover, I believe I'm drinking too much. I need to stop this". So his roommate and I took him to the hospital kept him there over night. Then his best friend and I took him to rehab. He lasted 5 hours.

I got scared and packed up all my stuff from his place. Then I realized that was the stupidest thing I could have ever done. I love this man. I am going to start a life with this man. I have to support him. So he has been doing it himself for the 3 weeks. He is down to 1 and half beers a day. I'm so proud of him. But my mistake has really messed up our relationship. The people at his AA meetings are telling him he shouldn't have a relationship. He tells me he cant do it... leave me that is. He tells me that I am not really supporting him very well. I would like to know, How do I support him? I offered to go to his meetings and says no. He wants to do it on his own for now. I am not leaving him and he is not leaving me. We are in this for the long run. But how do I help him and be more supportive

LadyinBC

Hi Charlie,

How is he asking you to support him?

Speaking as an alcoholic please think long and hard if this is the type of relationship you really want. Addicts come with a lot of baggage, especially in the beginning. The thing with us is that we can quit for lets say a few years and them boom we are back at it again. I know I can never guarantee anyone I won't every drink again. I don't want to drink again, but I can't make that promise.

One reason they say to avoid relationships in the first year is that you really need to work on yourself first. The fact that he left rehab after 5 hours should be a red flag on how commited he is to quitting.

If I were you I would maybe attend a few Al-anon meetings. Good luck I hope it works out for you.

fluffyflea

You go to Alanon meetings for yourself, he goes to A.A meetings for himself. He needs to do this on his own for himself.

dollydo

Why do you think moving your things out of his place ruined everything? You do not have to be sitting in the front row of the theater to see the movie.

Take this time to work on you, have you read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not, I would suggest that you do both.

He has a long bumpy road ahead of him, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program for life or not.

It sounds like he is white knuckling it, trying to pretend that he can control his drinking. For
an alcoholic, I have never seen this tactic work, added to that he left rehab after 5 hours? To me, this speaks volumes, certainly doesn't show any committment to soberity. This is a progressive disease, left untreated, it will get worse.

Learn all you can about alcoholism, about addiction in general. Read others posts and get to some Alanon meetings, for you, not him.

I wish you the best.

LexieCat

Hi,

Getting "down to" one and a half beers a day is NOT progress when you are dealing with alcoholism. It is, simply, continuing to drink. I'm sober four and a half years now, but I struggled to control it for four and a half years before that. I was fooling myself, because I invariably went back to drinking the way I wanted to (even more, thanks to sort of a boomerang effect from the attempt to control it), and my drinking became steadily worse.

You need to support YOU right now. I'd say getting your stuff from his place was a moment of clarity, not stupidity.

If he is serious about trying to recover (doubtful since he is still drinking, but let's say for argument's sake he MIGHT get serious about quitting), he needs to focus all his energy on that, and he does not need anyone's "support" other than the people in his group. Relationships can be a huge distraction, even when they are healthy ones.

Please give yourself both some space and check out Al-Anon. It can help you turn the focus onto yourself, so you can be happy whether he gets well or not.

redatlanta

What exactly does he feel like you aren't doing to support him? You are there aren't you?

His sobriety is not YOUR job. It can't be.

There are things I think that can occur that would be unsupportive - such as making it hard to go to AA, continuing to drink in front of the partner who is trying to be sober, encouraging that person NOT to achieve sobriety (yes it happens). Refusing to make social changes such as continuing to go to bars and expecting sober person to be there as well.

When I hear the statement "you aren't supporting me toward sobriety" I see a red flag for relapse. Blame shifting i.e. if I fail its your fault because "You weren't supporting me".

You really should try Al Anon. That is one way that you can support him by ending co-dependent and enabling behaviors.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading, posting, or venting as often as needed. We understand!

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE IT

I was powerless over alcohol. Until I accepted that concept, I kept struggling with trying to effectively change my husband. I finally admitted to myself, I was powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

Please don't take his statement about your lack of support personally. He is an addict fighting to keep his d.o.c. (drug of choice) in his life, and he will say and do anything to keep others from stopping his addiction. You are not responsible for being his caretaker, cheerleader, or mother during HIS recovery from HIS addiction.
You weren't the one buying alcohol, right?
You weren't the one pouring it down his throat, right?
You weren't the one nursing his hangover, right?
The addiction, it's consequences and any recovery belong to the one with the addiction = HIM.

Next time he tries to feed you his B.S. about your responsibilities in his recovery: Just picture the big white AFLAC duck quacking! Quack, Quack, Quack. That is what we call alcoholic blame-shifting, manipulating, denials, and lies = quacking!


Keep reading. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. Those posts are called the *sticky posts*, and are found at the top of each section of this website.

This is my favorite sticky. I followed these steps while I was living with active alcoholism in my life:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

m1k3

In my experience with my AW whenever I heard this it meant she was planning to drink, I mean really drink, again and it would by my fault not hers.

It sounds like he is already setting you up to take the fall for his next binge.

Your friend,

fluffyflea

A.A meetings and their sponsors are their support not us.

Recovering2

You didn't make a mistake, you had every right to be scared. 5 hours in rehab, seriously? That does not speak to commitment. If he is still drinking, even a beer a day, then he is still active in his disease. A's will try all kinds of things to avoid the inevitable, which is abstinence from the drug. He will learn that it can't be controlled. Step 1 is to admit he is powerless over his disease.
You are NOT responsible for his disease. Don't be manipulated into thinking you are not supporting him. It's HIS job to take care of this, not yours.

Bottom line....and this is the honest truth. You can't help him. He has to help himself. The only thing you can do is take care of YOU. Find a local AlAnon meeting. Read "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the sticky's at the top of this page. Keep posting here.

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a GREAT place for support
from folks who have been where you are or are where you are.

All of the above is great advice from their own Experience, Strength, and
Hope.

Being a 'double winner' (got sober in AA and then at 3 years sober, because
I was married to a 'sober alcoholic' my AA sponsor strongly insisted that
I start attending Alanon, and get an Alanon sponsor) I can give you my ES&H
from both sides, lol

First of all, the real 'saying' in AA is "No Major Changes The First Year."
What that means is: don't change jobs unless the job is a real threat to one's
sobriety, don't move unless one's living conditions are a threat to one's
sobriety, if not in a relationship, do not get into one until one is done
with the 12 steps, if in a relationship stay put unless it is a threat to one's
sobriety, etc

Now, based on your original post, it does not sound like your abf is
serious about recovery, YET. AA is not about tapering, AA is about
quitting and learning how to live sober, after we 'clean up the wreckage
of our past.' Our 'SUPPORT' comes from our Sponsor and the meet-
ings.

Alanon is for the Friends and Family of the alcoholic and allows the
individual to work on themselves. It is not about the Alcoholic, it is
about YOU and what you can do for YOU.

As to your 'loving' him, you at this point in time have no clue as to
what this man is really like. You have seen only the practicing Alcoholic
which is usually a very different person from the one that finds sobriety
and their real self. As to a practicing alcoholic 'loving' someone else,
that is very difficult since they do not love themselves.

Practicing Alcoholics and yes, those too in early recovery (at least the first
year or so) don't have a relationship per se, they take hostages! If and
when he becomes serious about HIS recovery, he will probably become
distant, not around much (will be spending lots of time going to meetings
and hanging around with AA folks, his sponsor, etc)

Take this time for YOU, get some one on one counseling and/or Alanon.
Learn about yourself, learn how to take care of your 'self' and to be the
Best YOU you can be whether you stay with your A or not. Continue to
use Sober Recovery also. Read all the 'stickys' at the top of this forum,
read the posts by others on here and do not be fearful about posting your-
self. All we can share with each other is our own experience, strength
and hope (ES&H) from our own experience and what we have had to do
for ourselves.

The BEST SUPPORT you can give him is to take care of you. Go to Alanon,
learn how to work a 'program for you.' Work the program you would like
to see him work for himself.

Now if he has decided 'to do this on his own' means no AA, no program of
any kind, be it SMART, AA, Rational Recovery, Life Ring or one of those,
then he will be 'White Knuckling' it. And it won't last very long. Alcohol
abuse is but a symptom of much deeper problems to be worked on by the
Alcoholic.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we care so very
much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we are here
for you and we are walking with you in spirit 24/7.

Love and hugs,

fluffyflea

When I was first getting sober I was single and glad of it because I would have been too dependent on a partner,probably would have made them responsible for my sobriety.

I had to do it on my own for myself in order to make the commitment and for it to stick.

Truly he doesn,t need or want your support he just wants an excuse if he relapses.

Take care of you.

LexieCat

Ditto. I cannot even express how glad I was that I got sober when I was single. Being single also helped me accept that I was an alcoholic--I had no one to blame my drinking on. Except me, and it turns out that's what it was all along.

I give a lot of credit to anyone who gets sober while in a pre-existing relationship, or who lives with an alcoholic in early recovery. Just makes things more complicated.

Rosiepetal

If he is serious he needs to go alcohol free for a start.
If you wish to support him then I suggest taking a huge step back from the relationship & offer encouragement & support in the way a friend would.
His actions will speak louder than words.
Also I suggest that you focus on yourself & your life & let him focus on his. His sobriety must the most important thing in his life for it to work.
His sobriety doesn't need to be the most important thing in your life however.
Try to take one day at a time & very very slowly & see what unfolds.

fluffyflea

[

Got that right LexieCat,relationships in early sobriety can be the death knell of the sobriety.

QUOTE=LexieCat;3796375]Ditto. I cannot even express how glad I was that I got sober when I was single. Being single also helped me accept that I was an alcoholic--I had no one to blame my drinking on. Except me, and it turns out that's what it was all along.

I give a lot of credit to anyone who gets sober while in a pre-existing relationship, or who lives with an alcoholic in early recovery. Just makes things more complicated.[/QUOTE]

EnglishGarden

I understand your passion for him. Really, anyone who has ever read "Romeo and Juliet" knows how little impact others' rational advice can have on a woman who believes she belongs to a man, even if he comes with heartache and pain guaranteed (as does your alcoholic). The advice to leave him can often have just the opposite effect, as many of us here--myself included--can attest to. We are human beings who want meaning in our lives, we want something or someone to believe in, to feel we matter, that we are alive. And when some of us fall in love with an active alcoholic who makes our heart spin and who also makes us feel necessary and valuable, we are pretty much hooked.

So I am just going to say go to Al-Anon, the 12-step program for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts. He goes to AA. You go to Al-Anon. Each of you hits as many meeting per week as you possibly can. Do not start a family together or get married until he has three years clean and sober and a rock solid support system of other recovering alcoholics. And don't you get bored with Al-Anon and think you know all you need to know about being a GOOD partner to an alcoholic. Because you don't. In fact, you could be the worst thing to come along in his life, if your ignorance about alcoholism and codependency causes you to support his drinking by enabling him rather than setting boundaries. The last thing an alcoholic needs in his life are people with no boundaries.

And if he does not go to AA or rehab and decides to just do this on his own.....the train wreck is just around the corner. Because you will see the darkest side of him you never could have imagined, and believe me, if you try to come between him and the drinking, he will take you down. He will destroy your self-worth and your dignity. Because that is what alcoholics do to people who try to get them to stop drinking. If he is not sincerely done with drinking and has not been flattened in body and spirit by it and is not desperate to change his life, he will keep it up. And in his alcoholism, he will turn on you.

You should both go to meetings, get sponsors, and work your programs. For life. It is the only way, in my opinion, you have any chance at all, any hope at all, for a solid and healthy relationship.

Charlie0414

Thank you so much for all of your help. All of you had/have very helpful information. He went to an AA meeting today and after he told me that he is unhappy with his life and he is going to fix it. His boss is really understanding and let him go during work hours. His boss hasn't had a drink in 25 years so it gives my bf something to look up to. His boss is helping him find a sponsor and is now is talking to people he hasn't talked to in 20 years just to help my bf out. I told my bf be cautious about making friends with your boss. I have had problems with it at my work. His boss is firing all these people and wants him to take a supervisor position. But as my boyfriend says working here is a waste of my talent.

My friend at work told me about Al-anon meetings too but I just kind of ignored it and never really thought about it. I am looking up al-anon meetings online... Some say closed, some say open. What does that mean? That I cant go to a closed one?

EnglishGarden

Hi Charlie,
You can attend any Al-Anon meeting, open or closed. "Closed" means that anyone doing research (such as college students) can't "visit" the group. The group is meant only for families and friends of alcoholics. "Open" means that sometimes students or social-workers-in-training might sit in, even though they have no loved ones who are alcoholics or drug addicts.

It's great you are looking into finding a meeting. It is suggested you attend 6 meetings, they can be different locations and times, until you find a fit. I hope you and your abf both get the support you need. Alone, neither of you is any match for the power of alcoholism. Fellowship works.

LexieCat

I wouldn't worry too much about his sober boss being too "friendly"--he is hooking your friend up with a sponsor, who will be the "friend" (it's not exactly a friendship). His boss is just doing what responsible members of AA DO, which is to help others get on the path.

AA and Al-Anon are the best things for both of you, though it doesn't guarantee anything in terms of the relationship. Good luck!

h00ped

For no major changes in the first year in AA...not getting out of a relationship is a bit bothersome, what if the SO decides to take a step away from the A during that year, I hope that doesn't mean the SO should not "rock the boat" during the first year and play pretend as to avoid a major change.