MrsDragon

Once again I am angry with God. Very angry. As I posted earlier, my son just started treatment, and his newly adopted dog is diagnosed with cancer. Why the **** would God bring a dog into his life right now only to have it come down with cancer; the same thing that killed his child. Now he feels responsible for this dog, just like he did his son. And even with the best of care, there are no guarantees. Why would he do this to him when he was trying? When he finally reached out for help, but barely got started? I know it is a dog, but it's the whole scenario of what this dog represents now. The ONLY lesson I can see in this is his gaining some insight regarding how he is not responsible for whatever the outcome. That he did nothing wrong in the care provided to his son, just as he is doing everything he can for this dog. Beyond that, at some point- it leaves our control. I'm just not sure he is emotionally at a place where he can grasp this yet.

His girlfriend is also terribly upset. She loves animals and has her own little dog. She encouraged him to get these dogs because like me, she thought his house needed some “life” in it. She was hoping that coming home from work, to joyous dogs who offer unconditional love, and are just so happy to see you, spend time with you – would be good for him. Taking care of them would be good for him. Now she feels partially responsible for encouraging him, for picking the shelter they went to, etc. She thinks he has started using cocaine again, and she feels like she is responsible for this. I told her no, that if he is using again, it is because he is upset, and he is using it to avoid the emotions. How could that be her fault? I think she understands, she is very bright, sweet, but doesn’t seem to be the codependent type. But I worry about her, because a long time back there was another girl who fell for him, tried to save him, and almost destroyed her life.

Its all very frustrating, and I think I needed to be able to express it somewhere. So thank you for listening.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry MrsDragon. I really understand your feelings but what I found for me was.....My anger at God was just very misplaced.

Trust in Him with all heart. And lean not on your own understanding. Trust God has a plan for your son.

ETA - basically everything you wrote about his GF says codependency to me. I pray the perfect storm is not brewing and she saves herself too.

MrsDragon

How so? Is it because of the feelings of being responsible? Im not sure at this point; I mean who would have imagined that fostering the adopt a dog idea, and being involved in picking it out, all that would in turn lead to this mess? I cant say to me it is odd she has these feelings of guilt, even if they are unfounded. As long as she reacts to the feelings, puts them in their place, then I think it will be emotionally healthy outcome on that. But I do know what you mean, and I do not want her to be caught up in an codependent / addiction whirlwind; saw that once, dont want to see it again. ever.

I wish I could have your faith in God right now, hopefully it will come back to me.

LoveMeNow

I think every Christian questions their own faith at times. And we even question God's plans too but with each trial we experience, we have an opportunity to grow in our walk. I pray that this strengthens your relationship with Him. I know He understands and will comfort you.

I am concerned why his gf is telling you about his possible use again. Is she trying to force an outcome, save him or fix him? If she suspects he is using, why is she staying with him? Where are her healthy boundaries?

I can understand that she feels badly for him and his dog. But codies have unfounded and unhealthy guilt. It can take a while to fully grasp that we are powerless over others. She sounds a little too enmeshed especially when she feel the need to tell his mother, bring "life" to his home, and somehow now feels responsible. JMHO. I could be very wrong. It certainly wont be the first time.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Lily1918

suffering is good for the heart. why did god allow Joseph to be thrown in a well and be sold into slavery? so he could run potiphers house? how could he allow an innocent man be thrown into jail for assaulting a woman when he didn't! really!?!?!? god is love and yet he threw Joseph in jail!?!? makes no sense but it was so he could rule all of Egypt second only to pharoah and save his family. It stinks and its no fun, but IMO maybe the dogs cancer is like that, somehow, someway. especially if God is love and if God is the same yesterday to day and forever. I hope not to offend or sound preachy in anyway, just tying to share how I cope with sorrow, and crazy situations without getting mad at god.

Chino

God didn't bring a dog into your son's life, your son brought dogs into his life.

Your son will be ok if he wants that, too.

Serenity prayers on the way for all in your family.

laurie6781

When I went through my FIRST 'angry at HP stage' my AA sponsor gave me
"Footprints In The Sand" framed so I could hang it on my wall and read it
whenever I needed to or just to read it every day as a reminder that HP did
give me free will, and watched over me when that 'free will' got me into a
'mess in my life.'

I was raised in the Catholic Church and left said Church and doctrine at the
'ripe old age of 14' and wanted nothing to do with the 'Christian God' that
I had been taught about, and I still felt that way, when I arrived in recovery
at the age of 36.

It has taken me years to realize that my conception of MY Higher Power is
just that MINE. That the word "God" can be assigned to that conception.

Thus the Footprints Prayer helped me very much to get 'passed' my anger
at God and see the 'truth' for me, that The Great Spirit did and does carry
me in my times of stress. I have "The Footprints Prayer" hung in several
prominent places in several rooms of my home. Many times this 'Prayer'
helps me more than "The Serenity Prayer."

Your sons HP is allowing your son to 'deal with life' instead of 'protecting'
him from 'stressful and awful things' that do occur in living our lives. HP
is watching over your son, allowing your son to have 'free will' and to learn
how to 'deal' with bad situations.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for your son and you and hubby.

Loves and hugs,

Freedom1990

I'll share a story with you about animals and my recovery. I have had multiple dogs/cats over the years. I've been blessed that the majority of my dogs have lived to a ripe old age.

I lost my heart dog Bridget years into sobriety. She died in my arms at the vet's while lab work was being done. She was 14. She had been through the time period while my addiction was at its worst, and was there during my recovery for 11 more years.

I lost my first greyhound Bart when a disc suddenly ruptured and compressed his spine so severely he was paralyzed in all four legs. He was 5. We had originally planned on getting him up to KSU veterinary school for a myelogram and back surgery. Time was not on our side so I said goodbye to him. We were looking at a minimum of $1200-$1400 in medical bills.

I lost my beautiful white pitbull shortly after she turned 5. Despite spending three days in a 24-hour animal hospital, the cause of her liver failure was never found. She started having seizures, her bilirubin was off the charts, and I had to let her go. That was over $1,000 total in veterinary care.

I lost my 10-year old terrier mix to cancer. I though I was taking her in to treat an ear infection, but the vet discovered a huge tumor behind her tonsil during the exam, and she had multiple mets in both lungs. I had to let her go.

I have lost 9 to old age. My current greyhound will turn 13 in April.

There are things in this life that aren't so wonderful, and are sometimes incredibly painful.

I can't live in a bubble just because I am in recovery. I have learned how to walk through those painful times.

Have I gotten mad at God? Of course I have.

However, I am the one who took all these dogs in, and there are no guarantees that they will live to a ripe old age or be relatively healthy the rest of their lives.

Losing one of my precious 4-legged companions is always excruciating for me. I have to work my way through the grief.

Your son is going to use when he wants to...end of story. It doesn't matter that he has a very ill dog (and I have a tremendous amount of compassion for this situation).

It doesn't matter if he gets in an argument with his girlfriend, has a bad day at work, isn't getting enough sleep, etc, etc, etc.

Until he makes the decision to handle these situations without using and starts doing something different, then he will continue to use.

I understand your fear and concern as a mother.

Personally I have received so much from my 4-legged companions that I would not trade my experiences with them (even holding and kissing them during euthanasia) for anything in the world.

Having to let a dog go, whether it's old age related or for a terminal illness, is a small price to pay for all the unconditional love over the years.

It really has nothing to do with God, but rather my choices in regard to pets. Each one has come to me for a reason, even the ones who didn't get to stay on this earth very long.

I will definitely pray for your son's dog. Do you know the dog's name? I will definitely add that to my ongoing prayer ist.

hello-kitty

Part of recovery is dealing with life on life's terms. If your son wants it bad enough, he'll stay clean no matter what. If he doesn't he won't. It's that simple. In my life I have had to deal with my fathers death, the birth of a child, being a single mom, car accidents, cat being ran over, loss of a job, nearly losing my house and face numerous other life challenges - all clean and sober. Not God's fault. My fault. Because of my choices.

I hope you are able to move forward from blaming God or a dog for your son's relapse. It sucks to go through life angry and full of blame. And there will always be an excuse for your son to use drugs - God or no God. Thing to remember is he's not a victim.

If God isn't your "thing" or you feel angry because of your son's choices - maybe try Budhism or hot yoga to help you maintain your inner peace and serenity.

KariSue

These kinds of threads are so frustrating for us atheists.

That said, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Life isn't fair. That's for sure. Sometimes things just pile on us.

Here we have each other and for that I am grateful (to all of you).

Kari

Hanna

Your post reminds me of my own thought processes - the ones I'm striving to cease.

Not that I blamed God, but that when something difficult would happen to someone I love, I would be get overly emotionally involved with it.

It's normal that we want only good things for our loved ones and even more so a Mother for her son. But getting intensely angry when they have to face something that we deem too difficult for them isn't healthy. I can recall more than once wishing that I was the one facing the rough stuff, so that my loved one would be spared. It took me a long time to realize that deep down, I thought they were too weak to deal with the hard parts of life. And that my level of attachment to the things they were going through wasn't healthy for either of us, and sure wasn't the kind of love I'd want someone else to be showing me.

And I was just wrong about others and their ability to cope. For instance, I am learning that my brother is strong. He can handle it. He doesn't need me to do anything but listen sometimes and support him in a healthy way. I figured this out when I got more upset about something he was going through than he did. He moved on and let it go before I had. And even before he was ready to do so, my having such strong emotions about hurts and difficulties he was going through never helped him even a little, but only added to my own pain.

Hugs and Prayers for you and your son. I'm not discounting how difficult it has been and do know how much it stinks to see someone we love being kicked when already down.

sojourner

MrsDragon: I would have to say the girlfriend is codependent in that she thinks she, her home, her efforts, her ideas are all the recovery program your son needs. If your son were in a recovery program, he would probably have been advised not to get any pet to be responsible for right now because he is too fragile to handle the responsibility of it even if things went very well and especially in a case like this where things are not going well. Your son's brain in early recovery just does not have the coping skills to take on that much. Perhaps the girlfriend would be better served in her own recovery program such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.

Hope that helps.

MrsDragon

I do hot yoga. It's disgustingly wonderful. I say that because the place I go pumps the heat up but good, and you are drenched by the time you are done. My studio isn't smelly, but I went with a girlfriend to hers and you walked in and it was powerful! Faded shortly and not noticeable, but sometimes I wonder how sanitary the air systems are because of the humidity and such. I do regular yoga also, and find it very relaxing and meditative. Great for stress.

MrsDragon

My anger came from believing God had his poky little fingers involved with my sons timing and selection of this dog.

My son has thought about getting a dog for a while, and for whatever reason decided at Christmas it was a good time. He put thought into it, and wanted to pick a dog that was right for him. He decided against a puppy because he would be working a lot, didnt want to train a puppy, and didn't want his house torn up with chewing and all those puppy activities. He thought about a specific breed he liked, and then decided maybe just a good hearted shelter dog. I don't think he would have "picked" a dog with cancerous tumor. He had the right to assume the dog was healthy because they told him it had been examined, was healthy, had all it's shots and the works. And less than two weeks later the lymph node lumps were found, and thats what got the ball rolling. The vet said the dog had been sick a while most likely it went undetected because it wasn't being handled enough, and was missed on exam at shelter. For this yes, God or Chance depending on your faith put that sick dog in his path.

But he did have the option of taking it back to the shelter. He was told they would euthanize it because they didn't have funds for treatment, and couldnt assume they would find an owner with it's medical condition. They had other healthy dogs that would have to be prioritized.

And the regular vet said it was well within reason to just put the dog down. And I am proud of our son, he asked if there was a specialist for a second opinion which led him to a cancer veterinarian, who after all those tests deemed it worthwhile, and ethical to try treatment, and now says the dog has a good chance at living out the rest of it's normal life. My son is responsible for taking all that on; he could have just said no.

What I have realized since I posted, and maybe some of your posts helped me think it through.(thank you !)... While he did not choose to adopt a dog with lymphoma (that I still think God, or chance depending on your faith – put in his path). He did CHOOSE to engage with the dog and its treatment when he was given the option of just euthanizing the dog and walking away. And he is showing who he is at the core as a person; taking responsibility, showing compassion, opening himself up to life as it presents itself to him instead of pushing it away, or putting up a defensive wall. He is allowing himself to feel emotion towards the dog.

Really this is a good thing. He has been cutting off his emotions for the longest time; not allowing himself to get close to anyone, and I knew this, it made me sad, and I have prayed about it. So why am I complaining to God now that he has actually helped him to open up and feel again? It is only because I fear he will get hurt. It is only because all of this has been a painful reminder for me also about our grandson and the loss we all suffered. Am happy to report, I don’t feel anger towards God today.

The doggie is also doing well so far. I took him for his checkup today because my son had to work. All his bloodwork came back fine, and his surgery site is healing well, and he no longer has to wear the silly clown dog collar.They are planning on doing chemotherapy and start next week. The dog will have to go in for IV treatments for a while, but they say animals do not have as many side effects, so for example, he wont lose his fur ! He is a happy dog today & seems to be adapting to his new doggie friend/brother, and my sons home very well. The other dog thinks he STINKS when he gets back from the vets office, and tries to ignore him. None of us have it easy, do we.

zoso77

When I was 10, my father died of a heart attack in the middle of the night at age 53.

Within a 12 month period, I put my mother into a nursing home, saw my mentor self destruct due to alcohol, and lost the love of my life -- not my AXGF, BTW.

And there were times I was wondering where the hell was God.

The answer I've came up with is pretty simple.

Life can be brutally unfair and hard. The only guarantee we have in life is that it will end. From beginning to end is one, long stochastic process with highs, low and everything in between. And it is what it is.

These days when I pray, I thank God for what I do have: brains, musical ability, the people in my life. And when I pray for something, it's usually the strength, the clarity, and the focus I will need to get through these next three months. I also pray for those I truly love, including those I have lost...to death, or otherwise.

Believe it or, I think it's healthy to be angry with God. When someone very close to me was dying of cancer this past fall, I was livid because he didn't take her sooner rather than later. I would literally say out loud, what the hell are you waiting for?

I got His answer when I went to her wake and spoke with her children. They described the last three months with their mother as a gift, with a lot of giving and sharing. And at the end, she went easy. So here I was praying for her to go quick, because I didn't want her to suffer...when in fact her children got a very precious three months with their mom.

Funny how God works, huh? And after she was gone, when I prayed, I said, OK, I get it now.

I guess what I'm saying in a very roundabout, sloppy way is God's got His own ideas for us. And instead of focusing on what we may not have, give thanks to Him for what we do have.

Best,
ZoSo

kmangel

When I got my dog (she's 10 now) I remember praying to God that I do right by her. I had regrets over some of my dogs in the past. I wanted things to be different with this dog.

It seems from your post that you prayed for your son to open up to someone/thing and he did, but then because the dog is ill you felt a better choice could have been made (by God). I have found that what I think is best and what God delivers is rarely the same. Later in hindsight I see that it all turned out for the best in the end.

I'm glad you are both making the dog's health a priority. I hope for the best with its treatment and recovery. Trusting God is hard--but He really does have the best in mind for you and your son as well as for the dog.

Sunshine2

One of the pieces of wisdom that gets me through hard times is what Einstein said: You need to decide whether the universe is friendly or not.

If you could realise the universe is a friendly place, you will see everything happens FOR you and not TO you. Your post seems to prove the point, MrsDragon

I am so glad his doggie is doing well and I agree with you, taking this on shows the content of his character.

cece1960

Zoso,
Every once in a while I jump on here and something someone posts, jumps out and smacks me upside the head. This is one of those times.There's nothing sloppy about what is written above.
Thank you for this message :ghug3
(((Hugs)))

chicory

I agree with you Cece.

dasiydoc

My boyfriend was doing a lot of research on treatments for addiction. And I started reading a lot too. There is a lot of research out there, and I saw this tv show once also where they say people in treatment or in early recovery benefit from taking on the responsibility of a pet. Animals offer unconditional love, and they reduce stress, anxiety. And they say that many people get help with overcoming emotional damage done while they were using. They learn to take care of someone else, have someone else responsible for them, put the animals needs above their own at times. It makes them have more self esteem when they care for the animal and then see it return affection. I think getting the dogs was a good idea. It wasnt his fault the dog was sick when he got it. But from what your saying, the dog (what he needs to do for the dog) is working in all those areas in his life where he needs it. It sounds like he is doing all the right things for the dog, but I can understand how it is hard on him emotionally. I think Gods little fingers were involved with that dog, but maybe he has good intentions. Well he is God, he is supposed to have good intentions for our ultimate good.