How can I help my sister?
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
How can I help my sister?
How can I help my sister?
I haven’t been here in a very long time. I used to come here for my ABF, but things have changed for there better around there. 
This is more of a question about how to help someone with their co-dependency or ACoA issues. My mom is an A and had been sober for several years and recently had a slip. These slips enrage my sister. She and I had very different experiences with Mom’s alcoholism because we are 12 years apart. When I was leaving for college my sister was just starting grade school. There are many things about Mom’s more advanced addiction that I did not personally experience that my sister had to deal with as a young child.
I do not live in the same state with my family at this point and it hurts me to see how hard my sister takes it when Mom slips. She literally goes off the deep end, searching the house, crying, having fits.
Now, I don’t think Mom should be drinking, this is true. But I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it is for her, her kids drink, her husband drinks, her friends and family all drink around her with frequency. I imagine she feels like she’s under a microscope, everyone keeping tabs on her at all times while they all do whatever they want. So I can understand, but of course don’t condone a slip.
How do y’all think I can talk to her (my sister) in a way to tell her to get herself some help too. She’s very sensitive and I don’t want her to take it wrong. But I think she needs some better coping mechanisms.
She’s worried about the family breaking up (Mom and Dad splitting, and her not coming around anymore). But from a long way away, what I see is quite different. If my parents were to actually split I think it would have as much to do with Dad being upset about they way Mom makes my sister feel thank it really would be about him being fed up.
Anyway, I know there are a lot of moving parts and one little thing isn’t going to change it all. But what would you recommend for me to suggest to her? Alanon? (I’m not sure she would go) A place like this? A counselor?
Thanks for any advice you might have.
I haven’t been here in a very long time. I used to come here for my ABF, but things have changed for there better around there.
This is more of a question about how to help someone with their co-dependency or ACoA issues. My mom is an A and had been sober for several years and recently had a slip. These slips enrage my sister. She and I had very different experiences with Mom’s alcoholism because we are 12 years apart. When I was leaving for college my sister was just starting grade school. There are many things about Mom’s more advanced addiction that I did not personally experience that my sister had to deal with as a young child.
I do not live in the same state with my family at this point and it hurts me to see how hard my sister takes it when Mom slips. She literally goes off the deep end, searching the house, crying, having fits.
Now, I don’t think Mom should be drinking, this is true. But I can’t imagine how incredibly hard it is for her, her kids drink, her husband drinks, her friends and family all drink around her with frequency. I imagine she feels like she’s under a microscope, everyone keeping tabs on her at all times while they all do whatever they want. So I can understand, but of course don’t condone a slip.
How do y’all think I can talk to her (my sister) in a way to tell her to get herself some help too. She’s very sensitive and I don’t want her to take it wrong. But I think she needs some better coping mechanisms.
She’s worried about the family breaking up (Mom and Dad splitting, and her not coming around anymore). But from a long way away, what I see is quite different. If my parents were to actually split I think it would have as much to do with Dad being upset about they way Mom makes my sister feel thank it really would be about him being fed up.
Anyway, I know there are a lot of moving parts and one little thing isn’t going to change it all. But what would you recommend for me to suggest to her? Alanon? (I’m not sure she would go) A place like this? A counselor?
Thanks for any advice you might have.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
If you approach her in a loving-I'm-concerned-for-all-that-you-have-taken-on-yourself manner; she may be more receptive. I would avoid indicating the CODIE issue; I used to clam right up when my sister would try to psycho anaylize me (yeah--she was right- straight up Codie - ugh!).
On line forums (for me) work wonders; easy access. being able to spill my gut and not have to look at anyone afterwards. Reading and rereading what others are going through in their lives; mulling over their replies to my posts. Gives me time to process it. Safe and non-threatening. Books are good to "Breaking the Betrayal Bond" has seriously helped me improve my thinking process.
On line forums (for me) work wonders; easy access. being able to spill my gut and not have to look at anyone afterwards. Reading and rereading what others are going through in their lives; mulling over their replies to my posts. Gives me time to process it. Safe and non-threatening. Books are good to "Breaking the Betrayal Bond" has seriously helped me improve my thinking process.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You haven't said how old your sister is. You could just say that you hate to see her so upset, but that you've learned a little bit about alcoholism and that it's pretty much impossible to make someone else not drink. (And you might even suggest she read Under the Influence, which is a pretty good layperson's explanation for how alcoholism works on people.) You could tell her you know some groups and websites that can give her some moral support when things get crazy. Leave the ball in her court, tell her that you'd be glad to pass on the info if she is interested.
About all I can suggest.
About all I can suggest.
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