Addicts never stop hurting their children
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Addicts never stop hurting their children
Thought I would share with you. My ex contacted us about a month ago. We hadn't seen him in three years. He told me he was clean, doing well and wanted to see his son. He had Christmas presents for him (several years worth he told me). Because I had some important passport paperwork that he needed to take care of and because my son missed him and never stops asking for his daddy I set up an evening for him to come over and visit.
Unfortunately I didn't have the paperwork ready for him to sign at the time. But my son got his Christmas presents and got a visit from his dad which made him so happy.
I thought the visit was a little strange. He couldn't stop talking to me about all the people (hardcore drug addicts) we knew and on and on. I told him I didn't care about those people - that they were losers. But that's all he had to talk about. It was a huge red flag to me and made me doubt his sobriety - why was he still in touch with these drug addicts if he was clean and had changed his life. The other red flag was a phone call in the middle of his visit. All I heard was "Because I don't have any, that's why." Sounded like a drug deal to me. I didn't say anything - just tucked away back in my brain. The visit lasted two hours. My son had a nice visit. For three days he kept asking "Can daddy come over tonight?" and I told him we needed to set up regular visitation. He also said, "Dad looked different mom. He looked healthier." Wishful thinking on his part and it was probably in response to all my comments about how his daddy is sick.
Anyway, fast forward two weeks. I had the passport paperwork ready to sign. I sent him a text asking if he wanted to come over to see his son. He sent me back a text "YES!" I talked to him a couple days later and he asked me what size shoes Andrew was wearing now because he wanted to pick up a pair of Nikes for him. (I had mentioned Andrew's shoes had holes in them and were too small). I never told Andrew he was coming because I didn't want him to be disappointed if he didn't show.
He was suppose to be over around 6:00 on Friday night. 6:30 rolled around. No show. I tried calling him. His phone service was temporarily shut off. 6:45 came and I got a phone call from a random number. I answered it and it was him. He said "he lost his phone but found this one at the bus stop". I was like "uh...hmmm..." He said he was on his way over and he'd be there in 45 minutes.
Well guess what. He never showed. Andrew was crushed. He had heard his dad's voice on the phone earlier so I told him he might be coming over for a visit - but he might not be able to make it.
At 8:30 Andrew looked at me and said "I don't think he's going to show up mom." I said "I think your right honey. Sorry. I'm sure if he could have made it over he would have."
We went to bed. I let him sleep with me. He made one comment "I'm so sad I didn't get to see my dad tonight" and that was it.
It was heartwrenching.
My heart is full of hatred towards my son's father. There's no one I want dead more in this world.
I don't know what to say to my son (three days later and he hasn't brought him up but I'm worried it might be festering inside him). I still don't have that gd-dmn paperwork signed either.
Unfortunately I didn't have the paperwork ready for him to sign at the time. But my son got his Christmas presents and got a visit from his dad which made him so happy.
I thought the visit was a little strange. He couldn't stop talking to me about all the people (hardcore drug addicts) we knew and on and on. I told him I didn't care about those people - that they were losers. But that's all he had to talk about. It was a huge red flag to me and made me doubt his sobriety - why was he still in touch with these drug addicts if he was clean and had changed his life. The other red flag was a phone call in the middle of his visit. All I heard was "Because I don't have any, that's why." Sounded like a drug deal to me. I didn't say anything - just tucked away back in my brain. The visit lasted two hours. My son had a nice visit. For three days he kept asking "Can daddy come over tonight?" and I told him we needed to set up regular visitation. He also said, "Dad looked different mom. He looked healthier." Wishful thinking on his part and it was probably in response to all my comments about how his daddy is sick.
Anyway, fast forward two weeks. I had the passport paperwork ready to sign. I sent him a text asking if he wanted to come over to see his son. He sent me back a text "YES!" I talked to him a couple days later and he asked me what size shoes Andrew was wearing now because he wanted to pick up a pair of Nikes for him. (I had mentioned Andrew's shoes had holes in them and were too small). I never told Andrew he was coming because I didn't want him to be disappointed if he didn't show.
He was suppose to be over around 6:00 on Friday night. 6:30 rolled around. No show. I tried calling him. His phone service was temporarily shut off. 6:45 came and I got a phone call from a random number. I answered it and it was him. He said "he lost his phone but found this one at the bus stop". I was like "uh...hmmm..." He said he was on his way over and he'd be there in 45 minutes.
Well guess what. He never showed. Andrew was crushed. He had heard his dad's voice on the phone earlier so I told him he might be coming over for a visit - but he might not be able to make it.
At 8:30 Andrew looked at me and said "I don't think he's going to show up mom." I said "I think your right honey. Sorry. I'm sure if he could have made it over he would have."
We went to bed. I let him sleep with me. He made one comment "I'm so sad I didn't get to see my dad tonight" and that was it.
It was heartwrenching.
My heart is full of hatred towards my son's father. There's no one I want dead more in this world.
I don't know what to say to my son (three days later and he hasn't brought him up but I'm worried it might be festering inside him). I still don't have that gd-dmn paperwork signed either.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am so very sorry, with an addict, it just never seems to end, they are so irresponsible and uncaring.
Sounds like your son is doing what I always did, internalize, I too, hid my upset and fears. It was my coping mechanism.
Sending lots of :ghug3 his way!
Sounds like your son is doing what I always did, internalize, I too, hid my upset and fears. It was my coping mechanism.
Sending lots of :ghug3 his way!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Awe Hello Kitty! I really understand your feelings. I know some insist we should have "compassion" but I can't find it in me yet especially when kids are left heart broken, hurt, disappointed and let down over and over again.
Being the codie I still am, I loathe your ex for putting sweet Andrew through this. I watched my kids go through this with their bio mom too. I had put them in play therapy and one exercise my son found very helpful was banging nails in a piece of wood. With each nail, he described his feeling and banged it into the wood. He told me he would felt much better after doing this and I would notice a difference too. Just wanted to share.
Keeping you all in my prayers, including your ex.
Being the codie I still am, I loathe your ex for putting sweet Andrew through this. I watched my kids go through this with their bio mom too. I had put them in play therapy and one exercise my son found very helpful was banging nails in a piece of wood. With each nail, he described his feeling and banged it into the wood. He told me he would felt much better after doing this and I would notice a difference too. Just wanted to share.
Keeping you all in my prayers, including your ex.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I am a double-dipper (AA then Al-Anon). Hugs to you. I can feel your pain (I have two sons). I don't want to sound harsh at all, but I read your post and my first thought was "why did you say yes?"
For me, as soon as ex called and asked to see his kid, I would have said "no". I can't just trust him again because he sounds good on the phone or has "errands" (ie passport). I think you were manipulated, but we learn in our own recovery to not be manipulated and to take care of ourselves and our children. I read everything you wrote and my sponsor would ask me: "what is your part in it?" Well, first I set up my child to be hurt by telling ex that yes, he could see his son. Then I told my son about it.
Daddy seeing his kids would be a legal matter with accountability and supervision. Not just phone call out of the blue.
Plus I am confused. You never told Andrew, yet he was crushed. So he DID know. Until that doorbell rings, they aren't there, KWIM?
I hope that your ex finds recovery. Again, hugs to you and your son.
((()))
For me, as soon as ex called and asked to see his kid, I would have said "no". I can't just trust him again because he sounds good on the phone or has "errands" (ie passport). I think you were manipulated, but we learn in our own recovery to not be manipulated and to take care of ourselves and our children. I read everything you wrote and my sponsor would ask me: "what is your part in it?" Well, first I set up my child to be hurt by telling ex that yes, he could see his son. Then I told my son about it.
Daddy seeing his kids would be a legal matter with accountability and supervision. Not just phone call out of the blue.
Plus I am confused. You never told Andrew, yet he was crushed. So he DID know. Until that doorbell rings, they aren't there, KWIM?
I hope that your ex finds recovery. Again, hugs to you and your son.
((()))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Hello-kitty - I'm so sorry you and Andrew had to go through this. I know your pain too well. It breaks my heart. I struggle with this one often as both my boys yearn for any affection and attention from their dad. Haveyou thought of some form of therapy? I put both boys in therapy and they seem to be doing better. I realized I can't control their father or the emotional impact his actions has on them. All I can do is get them help so that they have the tools and a safe place to talk about dealing with their dad's addiction. My youngest is 7 and they usually do play therapy. I really am sorry - Hang in there - your son is fortunate to have such a wonderful mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Gosh you guys - appreciate the tough love. It's been three years. I guess my boundaries weakened up a little - probably because my little one still misses his father even after all this time. It's a big hole in his life and I'd do anything to fill it. Including take a risk on his father.
He heard his dad on the phone. He knew. He asked me if it was his dad on the phone. I wasn't going to tell a baldfaced lie to his face three seconds after he heard his dad on the phone. I'm trying to protect him yes. But I won't tell obvious lies to my son's face. I'm just not capable of it. I guess being honest is a shortcoming of mine.
Truly, it sucks that this door is opened again. Sucks that I let it be opened. My mistake. And what's worse - I'll be honest. I called him to confront him on the situation last night. He shocked the heck out of me by answering the telephone. He was full of excuses - but to tell the truth he never gave me a reason why he didn't show up. But he swears up and down he wasn't using. That he was having problems with his cell phone and didn't have my number. Still wants a relationship with his son. Begged for forgiveness. Begged for another chance.
When I think about it, his story is so full of holes it smells like swiss cheese.
And still I doubt myself. WTF.
Anyway, the moral of this story is: Be ever vigilant.
Plus I am confused. You never told Andrew, yet he was crushed. So he DID know. Until that doorbell rings, they aren't there, KWIM?
Truly, it sucks that this door is opened again. Sucks that I let it be opened. My mistake. And what's worse - I'll be honest. I called him to confront him on the situation last night. He shocked the heck out of me by answering the telephone. He was full of excuses - but to tell the truth he never gave me a reason why he didn't show up. But he swears up and down he wasn't using. That he was having problems with his cell phone and didn't have my number. Still wants a relationship with his son. Begged for forgiveness. Begged for another chance.
When I think about it, his story is so full of holes it smells like swiss cheese.
And still I doubt myself. WTF.
Anyway, the moral of this story is: Be ever vigilant.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It just confirms why no contact was the best thing. Even after 3 yrs, he still creates chaos and self doubt.
But using still looks like using.
Give Andrew a big hug from all of us. He deserves a loving, consistent, drug free Dad. Thank God, he has you (((Hello Kitty)))
P.S. Being honest is never a short coming. Stay true to yourself.
But using still looks like using.
Give Andrew a big hug from all of us. He deserves a loving, consistent, drug free Dad. Thank God, he has you (((Hello Kitty)))
P.S. Being honest is never a short coming. Stay true to yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The mother of my son's boy stopped allowing any visits at all because my son could not be consistent and even after a couple of years clean, would fall into bad habits again. It was just too emotionally unsettling for the boy.
I admire her for that, even though it meant I could not see the child either since at that time my son and I were so close.
She found counseling for her son, and when he was old enough took him to Al-Ateen and she provided a loving and stable environment for him.
I think your boy needs to be able to discuss his feelings and know the truth...this isn't judgement because you know your child best. Not talking about thing never makes them go away so I hope you and your son can work through this and he can find stability again in his life.
You have a big job raising a child alone, and you can only do what you think best at the time, so please don't beat yourself up for this. When we know better, we do better.
Hugs for you and your boy.
I admire her for that, even though it meant I could not see the child either since at that time my son and I were so close.
She found counseling for her son, and when he was old enough took him to Al-Ateen and she provided a loving and stable environment for him.
I think your boy needs to be able to discuss his feelings and know the truth...this isn't judgement because you know your child best. Not talking about thing never makes them go away so I hope you and your son can work through this and he can find stability again in his life.
You have a big job raising a child alone, and you can only do what you think best at the time, so please don't beat yourself up for this. When we know better, we do better.
Hugs for you and your boy.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
. He sent me back a text "YES!" I talked to him a couple days later and he asked me what size shoes Andrew was wearing now because he wanted to pick up a pair of Nikes for him.
I am glad that Andrew has a mama who cares about him.
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