Two ACA's Walk into a Marriage
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Two ACA's Walk into a Marriage
I'm seeing my ACA traits in my husband and it's driving me crazy!
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him. He's intelligent, thoughtful, kind, funny, and attractive. We were friends before we started dating and for the most part our relationship has been a positive and healthy part of my life.
He is also an ACA. This normally works in our favor. He didn't end our relationship when he met my crazy family because he had a crazy family of his own and could relate. He has also been supportive during my emotionally ups and downs. I think he has been able to tolerate my moods more easily because of the environment he grew up in. So many of the "normal" guys that I dated ran for the hills when they saw my ACA traits in all their glory.
The difference between us - I'm very introspective and aware of how growing up in an alcoholic home has affected me. I started seeing a therapist 15 years ago (right before our wedding) and have been semi-active in my ACA recovery for 5+ years. I say semi-active because I don't attend meetings on a regular basis. My program is mostly hanging out here and reading recovery literature.
My husband has no desire to analyze himself or his past.
I see his ACA traits as only another ACA can. He's helpful, but almost TOO helpful. He's always trying to make everyone happy. His dad is an active alcoholic who lives alone and basically drinks and plays on the computer all day long. His dad is in really bad shape. Yet, when they talk on the phone he pretends like nothing is wrong. My husband also doesn't handle criticism well. When I make a comment about something that he did or didn't do, he immediately gets defensive. He will often make a sarcastic remark or tell me that I'm nagging or am too critical. To be fair, I do tend to be critical and often think that he's not doing things the "right way".
We're two ACA's who like to avoid conflict, so we don't fight often. When we do, it's almost the same argument over and over again. As I said, he's very helpful and does a lot around the house. Every once in awhile, I get angry at him for doing too much. I feel like it makes me look bad, I would get to the grocery shopping if only he would let me! His help can feel smothering at times. Like he's trying to "rescue" me without me asking. I get resentful and then I do start to criticize him. I'll comment on the things that he forgot at the grocery store and tell him that I can't depend on him. "I don't need you! I can do EVERYTHING myself!"
He will then become a victim and tell me that I ALWAYS find fault in everything that he does - just like his mother (who IS controlling and super critical).
It's an awful, awful, cycle.
I have distanced myself from my family of origin in order to avoid our dysfunctional relationships, but I have created a nice repeating mini-drama within my own family. Ugh!
Not sure what we should do to improve this situation.
I know I can continue to work on my own recovery. That is something that is within my power to change. I tend to be overly critical of a number of ACA people in my life. Guess I'm sort of like the ex-smoker who thinks that just because I quit everyone else should.
I have to stop taking my husband's inventory and keep the focus on me.
We're thinking about marriage counseling, but I wonder how much help it would be if he doesn't also have individual counseling. The irony is that he was the emotionally healthier one when we first got together.
This ACA work truly is a lifetime job. I find that frustrating too! Sometimes I just want to be "cured" and only associate with healthy people. But, I don't think it's realistic to think that healthy relationships don't have conflict.
Can anyone else relate to any of this?
Thank you for letting me ramble/share.
Fondly,
db
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him. He's intelligent, thoughtful, kind, funny, and attractive. We were friends before we started dating and for the most part our relationship has been a positive and healthy part of my life.
He is also an ACA. This normally works in our favor. He didn't end our relationship when he met my crazy family because he had a crazy family of his own and could relate. He has also been supportive during my emotionally ups and downs. I think he has been able to tolerate my moods more easily because of the environment he grew up in. So many of the "normal" guys that I dated ran for the hills when they saw my ACA traits in all their glory.
The difference between us - I'm very introspective and aware of how growing up in an alcoholic home has affected me. I started seeing a therapist 15 years ago (right before our wedding) and have been semi-active in my ACA recovery for 5+ years. I say semi-active because I don't attend meetings on a regular basis. My program is mostly hanging out here and reading recovery literature.
My husband has no desire to analyze himself or his past.
I see his ACA traits as only another ACA can. He's helpful, but almost TOO helpful. He's always trying to make everyone happy. His dad is an active alcoholic who lives alone and basically drinks and plays on the computer all day long. His dad is in really bad shape. Yet, when they talk on the phone he pretends like nothing is wrong. My husband also doesn't handle criticism well. When I make a comment about something that he did or didn't do, he immediately gets defensive. He will often make a sarcastic remark or tell me that I'm nagging or am too critical. To be fair, I do tend to be critical and often think that he's not doing things the "right way".
We're two ACA's who like to avoid conflict, so we don't fight often. When we do, it's almost the same argument over and over again. As I said, he's very helpful and does a lot around the house. Every once in awhile, I get angry at him for doing too much. I feel like it makes me look bad, I would get to the grocery shopping if only he would let me! His help can feel smothering at times. Like he's trying to "rescue" me without me asking. I get resentful and then I do start to criticize him. I'll comment on the things that he forgot at the grocery store and tell him that I can't depend on him. "I don't need you! I can do EVERYTHING myself!"
He will then become a victim and tell me that I ALWAYS find fault in everything that he does - just like his mother (who IS controlling and super critical).
It's an awful, awful, cycle.
I have distanced myself from my family of origin in order to avoid our dysfunctional relationships, but I have created a nice repeating mini-drama within my own family. Ugh!
Not sure what we should do to improve this situation.
I know I can continue to work on my own recovery. That is something that is within my power to change. I tend to be overly critical of a number of ACA people in my life. Guess I'm sort of like the ex-smoker who thinks that just because I quit everyone else should.
I have to stop taking my husband's inventory and keep the focus on me.
We're thinking about marriage counseling, but I wonder how much help it would be if he doesn't also have individual counseling. The irony is that he was the emotionally healthier one when we first got together.
This ACA work truly is a lifetime job. I find that frustrating too! Sometimes I just want to be "cured" and only associate with healthy people. But, I don't think it's realistic to think that healthy relationships don't have conflict.
Can anyone else relate to any of this?
Thank you for letting me ramble/share.
Fondly,
db
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I also married an ACOA. However, I did the work to heal and grow, starting in high school or earlier, reading everything I could get my hands on about living better, about growing, choosing wisely.
My ex-husband did none of that. I saw the ACOA traits in him clearly--for instance the lying. He continued to live all these years as he 'had to' as a child--lie to keep the peace. Of course, he learned as a child that if he was going to lie anyway, he may as well go do whatever he wanted to begin with. As an adult, he continued living exactly as he pleased, helping himself to whatever he wanted (credit cards, other women) and just lying to me about it.
My ex-husband did none of that. I saw the ACOA traits in him clearly--for instance the lying. He continued to live all these years as he 'had to' as a child--lie to keep the peace. Of course, he learned as a child that if he was going to lie anyway, he may as well go do whatever he wanted to begin with. As an adult, he continued living exactly as he pleased, helping himself to whatever he wanted (credit cards, other women) and just lying to me about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Hmmm, yes...my wife has all the ACA traits, but cannot really see it.
Her family is dysfunctional, but not as grossly dysfunctional as mine. I sometimes see the situation like this- in days long ago, when marriage
and relationships were invented people only lived until their forties.
Today is takes a whole lot of letting go to stick together. A whole lot of adjustment and humour, good will. Getting through middle age needs all of this, in any case.
Oh I wish A. could have the programme that I have!
-D.
Her family is dysfunctional, but not as grossly dysfunctional as mine. I sometimes see the situation like this- in days long ago, when marriage
and relationships were invented people only lived until their forties.
Today is takes a whole lot of letting go to stick together. A whole lot of adjustment and humour, good will. Getting through middle age needs all of this, in any case.
Oh I wish A. could have the programme that I have!
-D.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I think all relationships have some kind of dysfunction or recurring pattern.
I also think you should give marriage counseling a try, regardless of your husband's willingness to see a therapist on his own - who knows, maybe it will pique his interest.
I can relate to it & sorry you are struggling. You can get through this!
I also think you should give marriage counseling a try, regardless of your husband's willingness to see a therapist on his own - who knows, maybe it will pique his interest.
I can relate to it & sorry you are struggling. You can get through this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you for the comments. They helped me feel like I'm not alone.
Just writing it out here helped a lot too.
We muddle through our last argument. Just got busy with life again. As ACA's we never stay mad at each other for long. Neither of us can stand having friction in the house.
I think we are going to look into marriage counseling. I personally think he just wants someone to tell us that all our problems are due to my instability. I think my husband knows that he was affect by his childhood but he doesn't want to start looking into it. We're almost exact opposites in that regard. I look back to my childhood as the cause of most of the problems in my life.
There must be happiness in the middle somewhere.
I still experience black and white thinking at time. Our relationship is either great or we're heading to divorce. Again, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
Grateful for my program and this group.
db
Just writing it out here helped a lot too.
We muddle through our last argument. Just got busy with life again. As ACA's we never stay mad at each other for long. Neither of us can stand having friction in the house.
I think we are going to look into marriage counseling. I personally think he just wants someone to tell us that all our problems are due to my instability. I think my husband knows that he was affect by his childhood but he doesn't want to start looking into it. We're almost exact opposites in that regard. I look back to my childhood as the cause of most of the problems in my life.
There must be happiness in the middle somewhere.
I still experience black and white thinking at time. Our relationship is either great or we're heading to divorce. Again, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
Grateful for my program and this group.
db
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Maybe 10 years ago I asked my ACA husband to go to meetings with me, not because he needed them (he was nutty and needed something, but who knew maybe medication or therapy or? I didn't know). I asked him to go because I wanted to share program with him and I wanted his support. He did, and also found something at the meetings that he wanted for himself.
He's far more of an extrovert than I and actually, the meetings mean more for him than they ever will for me. He didn't relate as much to all the personal one on one conversations we had ever had on recovery topics, but sitting in a big meeting hearing from all kinds of people, the light bulb came on for him. Who knew.
He's far more of an extrovert than I and actually, the meetings mean more for him than they ever will for me. He didn't relate as much to all the personal one on one conversations we had ever had on recovery topics, but sitting in a big meeting hearing from all kinds of people, the light bulb came on for him. Who knew.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I can relate. My wife is not ACA, but she has other FOO issues that. I resisted working on my issues and was focused on trying to fix her. However, the more I pushed, the further away she got. The truth was (and is), that I had issues too, but it was easier for me to focus on her issues.
Some things transpired, and triggered in me a desire to change our relationship. It's a long story but you can read through some of my other posts if you are curious.
I've come to realize that the only one I can fix is me. I am focused on myself right now, but I do notice how the things I do affect her behavior and mood. I struggle with doing what is right for me when it causes her anxiety.
Hopefully as I become more whole, she will see that change and want to come along for the ride. Otherwise I fear it will tear our relationship apart. I don't know yet. I probably won't know for a long time. I still have a long way to go in my own recovory.
Some things transpired, and triggered in me a desire to change our relationship. It's a long story but you can read through some of my other posts if you are curious.
I've come to realize that the only one I can fix is me. I am focused on myself right now, but I do notice how the things I do affect her behavior and mood. I struggle with doing what is right for me when it causes her anxiety.
Hopefully as I become more whole, she will see that change and want to come along for the ride. Otherwise I fear it will tear our relationship apart. I don't know yet. I probably won't know for a long time. I still have a long way to go in my own recovory.
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