Concerned about fiancé's drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Concerned about fiancé's drinking
Not sure how to start this off, and from reading some of the posts on here, my situation is nowhere near as bad as some of the other forum members, but as title, I'm starting to get concerned about my fiancé's drinking (and potentially my own as well).
We're both ~30, and we've been together for about 3 years now (albeit with a ~4 month break at the beginning of 2011), and have a son who has just turned 1.
When we first got together, we drank together frequently (3-4 nights a week) while out with friends, or sharing a bottle of wine at home watching TV or so. We had a few... "incidents" in the past where she would accuse me of cheating on her for no real reason - this came to a head Christmas 2010 when we'd both had rather a lot to drink, and she started harassing me to tell her the name of a girl I'd had a one-night stand with almost a year before we got together. I refused and she started to physically attack me, this finally culminated in me calling the police, and her spending the night in a cell and getting a caution for assault. We've had a few arguments since, but nothing near as bad, but it always seems to be when we've been drinking.
To be honest, she's almost always short tempered and snappy, she gets really nasty over the tiniest thing, this is even worse when she's had a drink, and she'll jump down my throat at the slightest little thing, and says really hurtful things - she either doesn't realise or doesn't care how nasty she's being.
She didn't drink through the pregnancy, but over the last 12 months, since our son was born, her drinking seems to have increased substantially - we had some money problems a few months ago, however she always seemed to find £5 here and there for a couple of bottles of wine every week, despite me saying we couldn't afford it.
Since she started working 3 months ago, we've been drinking a bottle of wine almost every night, if we don't have one she moans, if I go to the shop to get food she expects me to get a drink; if I come back without a bottle of wine, she moans.
I've mentioned before that I'm concerned, but she just brushes it off: "I don't drink that much" or "I can't be an alcoholic, I don't drink every day/first thing in the morning" etc.
The last few nights have made me even more concerned however. She's been getting really protective over her "share" of the drink. Last night we were about to watch a film - I was putting our son to bed and said "pour me another glass, I'll be down in a sec". She gave me a really angry look and snapped at me, saying I'd already had 2 glasses (I hadn't, I'd had 1 glass with our dinner) - she then got the bottle and waved it at me saying "look how much is gone - you must have had 2 glasses". Not wanting to get into a fight, I just told her to forget about it, but it had me worried for the rest of the evening.
So now I'm here, wondering if a) I'm overreacting, and b) what I should do about it.
I was never a big drinker before I met her, I like a bottle of wine or a nice whisky occasionally (maybe once or twice a fortnight), but now I'm getting concerned about my own drinking - both for health and financial reasons; 4-5 bottles of wine a week at £5/bottle minimum = ~£80+/month!!
I don't know how to broach the subject with her however, I realise I'm more than partially responsible, e.g. buying the drinks and drinking with her, which I'm going to stop, but I know she'll just get snappy and aggressive with me if I tell her I'm concerned (she can't take any kind of criticism).
A few other notes which may or may not be relevant:
Her dad was physically abusive towards her, her siblings, and still is towards their mother (I haven't pushed her for details about this, but have a feeling it may be drink related).
She suffers from depression and lack of self-confidence - she was seeing a counsellor for a few months following the Christmas incident where she got arrested (at least she claims she was - I've never seen any evidence for this).
I've done a bit of reading around, and she ticks all of the boxes for Borderline Personality Disorder/Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Anyway, just after a bit support/wanting to know if I'm right to be concerned/wanting to know what I should do?
Apologies for the wall of text, if you got this far, thanks for reading
We're both ~30, and we've been together for about 3 years now (albeit with a ~4 month break at the beginning of 2011), and have a son who has just turned 1.
When we first got together, we drank together frequently (3-4 nights a week) while out with friends, or sharing a bottle of wine at home watching TV or so. We had a few... "incidents" in the past where she would accuse me of cheating on her for no real reason - this came to a head Christmas 2010 when we'd both had rather a lot to drink, and she started harassing me to tell her the name of a girl I'd had a one-night stand with almost a year before we got together. I refused and she started to physically attack me, this finally culminated in me calling the police, and her spending the night in a cell and getting a caution for assault. We've had a few arguments since, but nothing near as bad, but it always seems to be when we've been drinking.
To be honest, she's almost always short tempered and snappy, she gets really nasty over the tiniest thing, this is even worse when she's had a drink, and she'll jump down my throat at the slightest little thing, and says really hurtful things - she either doesn't realise or doesn't care how nasty she's being.
She didn't drink through the pregnancy, but over the last 12 months, since our son was born, her drinking seems to have increased substantially - we had some money problems a few months ago, however she always seemed to find £5 here and there for a couple of bottles of wine every week, despite me saying we couldn't afford it.
Since she started working 3 months ago, we've been drinking a bottle of wine almost every night, if we don't have one she moans, if I go to the shop to get food she expects me to get a drink; if I come back without a bottle of wine, she moans.
I've mentioned before that I'm concerned, but she just brushes it off: "I don't drink that much" or "I can't be an alcoholic, I don't drink every day/first thing in the morning" etc.
The last few nights have made me even more concerned however. She's been getting really protective over her "share" of the drink. Last night we were about to watch a film - I was putting our son to bed and said "pour me another glass, I'll be down in a sec". She gave me a really angry look and snapped at me, saying I'd already had 2 glasses (I hadn't, I'd had 1 glass with our dinner) - she then got the bottle and waved it at me saying "look how much is gone - you must have had 2 glasses". Not wanting to get into a fight, I just told her to forget about it, but it had me worried for the rest of the evening.
So now I'm here, wondering if a) I'm overreacting, and b) what I should do about it.
I was never a big drinker before I met her, I like a bottle of wine or a nice whisky occasionally (maybe once or twice a fortnight), but now I'm getting concerned about my own drinking - both for health and financial reasons; 4-5 bottles of wine a week at £5/bottle minimum = ~£80+/month!!
I don't know how to broach the subject with her however, I realise I'm more than partially responsible, e.g. buying the drinks and drinking with her, which I'm going to stop, but I know she'll just get snappy and aggressive with me if I tell her I'm concerned (she can't take any kind of criticism).
A few other notes which may or may not be relevant:
Her dad was physically abusive towards her, her siblings, and still is towards their mother (I haven't pushed her for details about this, but have a feeling it may be drink related).
She suffers from depression and lack of self-confidence - she was seeing a counsellor for a few months following the Christmas incident where she got arrested (at least she claims she was - I've never seen any evidence for this).
I've done a bit of reading around, and she ticks all of the boxes for Borderline Personality Disorder/Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Anyway, just after a bit support/wanting to know if I'm right to be concerned/wanting to know what I should do?
Apologies for the wall of text, if you got this far, thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 137
It sounds like it's going to get worse.
I started out not drinking every night and progressed to every night. Then I'd get protective over "my share" of the drink and get upset if I felt I didn't get my share. Then I progressed to 40-60 drinks a week. Then I began to drink earlier and earlier and leaving work early to start drinking. Whether it was in the budget or not didn't matter, I'd buy cheaper food, skip the oil change... etc.
Nip this in the bud now, if you can. Save yourself the anguish.
I started out not drinking every night and progressed to every night. Then I'd get protective over "my share" of the drink and get upset if I felt I didn't get my share. Then I progressed to 40-60 drinks a week. Then I began to drink earlier and earlier and leaving work early to start drinking. Whether it was in the budget or not didn't matter, I'd buy cheaper food, skip the oil change... etc.
Nip this in the bud now, if you can. Save yourself the anguish.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not a good situation, at all. Especially for your son.
I suggest getting yourself to some Al-Anon meetings, and checking out our Friends and Family forums here at SR.
Is she taking care of your son during the day? Even if she isn't drinking during the daytime yet, that could well come in the future. If it comes to the point where you decide to leave, it would be helpful to have some evidence to show that she cannot safely care for him until she addresses her alcohol problem.
I suggest getting yourself to some Al-Anon meetings, and checking out our Friends and Family forums here at SR.
Is she taking care of your son during the day? Even if she isn't drinking during the daytime yet, that could well come in the future. If it comes to the point where you decide to leave, it would be helpful to have some evidence to show that she cannot safely care for him until she addresses her alcohol problem.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
to SR! Here's a link to our friends and family forum. Give it a look and post your concerns there for feedback from folks who have been in your shoes.Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
No, I don't think you're over reacting at all. I think your fiance has a serious problem already, and it's of no matter that she thinks she doesn't have a problem. Her drinking is causing problems in the relationship and the fact that you had to call the police on her is a giant red flag. I second the notion of going to al anon. And I'd do it before you get married.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you for all the helpful replies 
Any suggestions on how to "nip it in the bud"? Am I best just confronting her about it and trying to get her to see reason?
Unfortunately she keeps very close tabs on me (due to paranoia about me wanting to run off with anyone female at the first opportunity!) so this would either involve dragging her along, or getting accused of overreacting or flat-out lying and using it as a cover for meeting up with someone :/
Yeah, she looks after him while I'm at work - while I don't think she could ever hurt him, I guess I thought the same about her hurting me before!
to SR! Here's a link to our friends and family forum. Give it a look and post your concerns there for feedback from folks who have been in your shoes. Thank you, will do
She's never been that bad since (although thinking about it, there have been times were I've thought she was close!)
Originally Posted by Garen 
Nip this in the bud now, if you can. Save yourself the anguish.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Not a good situation, at all. Especially for your son.
I suggest getting yourself to some Al-Anon meetings, and checking out our Friends and Family forums here at SR.
I suggest getting yourself to some Al-Anon meetings, and checking out our Friends and Family forums here at SR.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Is she taking care of your son during the day? Even if she isn't drinking during the daytime yet, that could well come in the future. If it comes to the point where you decide to leave, it would be helpful to have some evidence to show that she cannot safely care for him until she addresses her alcohol problem.
Originally Posted by least
to SR! Here's a link to our friends and family forum. Give it a look and post your concerns there for feedback from folks who have been in your shoes.
Originally Posted by least
Her drinking is causing problems in the relationship and the fact that you had to call the police on her is a giant red flag. I second the notion of going to al anon. And I'd do it before you get married.
Never say never...
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston-ish
Posts: 70
I agree with the others CR...and I would be concerned as well if she is caring for your young child alone. While I would never intentionally hurt my children, I would do stupid things like lighting a few candles on the coffee table at night and then passing out on the couch...we have two big fluffy cats that jump all over....I have so often thought "OMG, what if...."
I would also get very possessive of my booze (over the last 6 months or so)....for example, if I had company and went into the kitchen to make a couple of drinks....I'd be swigging a few shots right from the bottle while I was making them... So gross....
Good Luck!!
I would also get very possessive of my booze (over the last 6 months or so)....for example, if I had company and went into the kitchen to make a couple of drinks....I'd be swigging a few shots right from the bottle while I was making them... So gross....
Good Luck!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
You mentioned several times that you were concerned not just about your fiancé's drinking, but your own as well. You could decide to stop drinking yourself and have a conversation with her about your reasons for doing so.
I wish you well, but I think it's very difficult to get someone to come to a place where they understand their addiction. You can, however, work on yourself and work on creating a healthy environment for your son. And I would not get married unless things change in a major way.
I wish you well, but I think it's very difficult to get someone to come to a place where they understand their addiction. You can, however, work on yourself and work on creating a healthy environment for your son. And I would not get married unless things change in a major way.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Am I best just confronting her about it and trying to get her to see reason?
You can't get an active alcoholic to "see reason". They're usually in a state of denial and won't/can't see reason or logic. I too would reconsider getting married to someone with an obvious drinking problem. As to not going to al anon cause of her jealousy... well that's a whole 'nother problem in itself. Sounds like she keeps you on a short leash and who wants to be 'possessed' like that?
She cannot accept that people, even in relationships, have lives of their own independent of the relationship. To her she sees your going somewhere by yourself as cheating. Not a good sign. I'd seriously reconsider marriage at this point. What about couples counseling? Would she go to that?
I too would be worried about her caring for your son during the day. Just because she doesn't drink during the day doesn't mean she's paying close attention to him or won't start drinking, for whatever reason. And just because she says she doesn't drink during the day doesn't mean that she's telling the truth. We alcoholics are good at lying, to ourselves and everyone else.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
"I was never a big drinker before I met her, I like a bottle of wine or a nice whisky occasionally (maybe once or twice a fortnight), but now I'm getting concerned about my own drinking - both for health and financial reasons; 4-5 bottles of wine a week at £5/bottle minimum = ~£80+/month!!"
Stop drinking now. See how the relationship continues. Sounds like this marriage already has several red flags going up.
Stop drinking now. See how the relationship continues. Sounds like this marriage already has several red flags going up.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by least
She cannot accept that people, even in relationships, have lives of their own independent of the relationship. To her she sees your going somewhere by yourself as cheating. Not a good sign. I'd seriously reconsider marriage at this point. What about couples counseling? Would she go to that?
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Stop drinking now. See how the relationship continues. Sounds like this marriage already has several red flags going up.
That being said, other than the increased drinking, the aggression/jealousy has been a lot better since she started working again, although how much of that is due to an improvement in herself, and how much is down to me simply being too fed up with reacting I don't know! :P
Thankfully the wedding isn't particularly imminent, due to financial constraints, so we've still got a couple of years till that point!
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