@$&@%#*
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
@$&@%#*
I dont even know what to say really. I want to scream, cry, run but here I sat numb. The tears will come soon Im sure. I knew it was going to happen again, I cant say Im shocked yet here I sat wondering how I am going to handle this in the morning when he wakes up apoligizing and I wake up with puffy eyes from crying and bruises. I told him this was it but it wont matter to him. He will pretend to not remember or maybe he really wont but I will. I have made such progress and I feel like it was all just ripped out from under me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 23
I'm not sure what happened, but it obviously hurt you. You said that "you feel like you have made such progress and like it was all ripped out from under you." The good thing is just because you feel that way doesn't mean it is true and that your progress was actually ripped out from under you. Is it possible that this situation could just be another opportunity for your progress to move forward another step? Honestly,since I don't know your situation, I do not know the answer to that question, but I am glad you shared.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Im safe, he is passed out now. He found the bottom of a half pint of bourbon that has been here for who knows how long and downed it which sent him into an allergic reaction. I poured benadryl down his throat while he was asleep on the couch because he was covered from head to toe in hives and struggling to breath. That woke him up enough to drag himself to bed. I probably should have left him but my child loves him regardless of him being the biggest jerk on the earth. I honestly dont even know what lead to tonights events, i was angry that he had sat here all day drinking and playing his games. I complained that he has it made and next thing I know I was getting threatened and he grabbed me by the throat. I got away and up and he charged me and knocked me to the floor. I dont know what to do, i cant sleep now. I thought about texting my best friend but Im not sure what I would say and the same for a DV hotline so I figured here was the safest place to vent. I feel like everything was ripped out from under me because as soon as I think I have detached he does something like this which leaves me wondering where the man went that I fell in love with. It brings back all the twisted emotions that I have been trying to push aside. It could very well be another step in the righ direction if I handle it correctly but im not sure what that way is yet. Sorry to beo dramatic, I feel overwhelmed right now so its hard to process my thoughts.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((sadconfused))) I'm sorry you were hurt. You do not deserve to be treated with such utter contempt. You do not deserve to be hurt.
Please consider calling the DV hotline. You don't really have to say much, just let them know what happened. They are wonderfully compassionate people who have seen and heard it all. There is no shame in asking for help out of this situation in which you find yourself. You deserve a happy, joy-filled, and peaceful life.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
Please consider calling the DV hotline. You don't really have to say much, just let them know what happened. They are wonderfully compassionate people who have seen and heard it all. There is no shame in asking for help out of this situation in which you find yourself. You deserve a happy, joy-filled, and peaceful life.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so, so sorry this happened to you.
Sad it sounds like you are still thinking that you can change this, that how you handle this will effect his choices. History would prove you wrong - it just doesn't work that way. This has ended with you enabling him - helping him - and you terrorized and physically abused.
How you handle this could be a step in the right direction for you and your son - for your safety, your peace of mind, and your sanity. You have to stop worrying about the alcoholic - who is worrying about you? Who is taking care of you? No one, not even you. But the alcoholic is being taken care of, he is being worried about. Do you see the insanity of this situation?
Please call the DV hotline hydrogirl referred you to - PLEASE!
Sending prayers your way and hoping that this is it for you before you end up hurt again.
Sad it sounds like you are still thinking that you can change this, that how you handle this will effect his choices. History would prove you wrong - it just doesn't work that way. This has ended with you enabling him - helping him - and you terrorized and physically abused.
How you handle this could be a step in the right direction for you and your son - for your safety, your peace of mind, and your sanity. You have to stop worrying about the alcoholic - who is worrying about you? Who is taking care of you? No one, not even you. But the alcoholic is being taken care of, he is being worried about. Do you see the insanity of this situation?
Please call the DV hotline hydrogirl referred you to - PLEASE!
Sending prayers your way and hoping that this is it for you before you end up hurt again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Don't let him take that progress away from you, sadconfused. It may feel like it was taken, but it was just shaken, physically, by him.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation, and it's still a bit unclear what actually happened to you, but bruises are not a good sign.
Like you, I am tired of being the only one who remembers those awful nights... or at least the only one who admits to it. It feels like they simply wash their hands of it while the nightmare plays out over and over in your mind. Lack of memory is no excuse for your partner to avoid guilt and make changes in his life so as not to scare you anymore. Show him the bruises and ask him to think harder.
I want to tell you to leave right now, but only you can decide that. I hope things get easier for you. I hope you have a friend or family member who can give you a big hug.
No one can tell you what to do in this situation, and it's still a bit unclear what actually happened to you, but bruises are not a good sign.
Like you, I am tired of being the only one who remembers those awful nights... or at least the only one who admits to it. It feels like they simply wash their hands of it while the nightmare plays out over and over in your mind. Lack of memory is no excuse for your partner to avoid guilt and make changes in his life so as not to scare you anymore. Show him the bruises and ask him to think harder.
I want to tell you to leave right now, but only you can decide that. I hope things get easier for you. I hope you have a friend or family member who can give you a big hug.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Call the D.V Hotline, you don,t deserve to be hurt and your son doesn't deserve to see that. By calling the hotline you are HELPING your husband to his bottom if he has one rather than ENABLING him by not calling the Hotline. You are also EMPOWERING yourself. Please keep yourself safe and don;t worry about him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sad I just read through some of your threads and I see that DV has been a part of your relationship for awhile.
I also read where you recently posted that you are afraid to leave the relationship because you fear what he will do based on reading about DV and what can happen when you try to get out of it.
You are not a prisoner of this man - this is why it is so important to call the DV hotline. They will guide you in how to protect yourself and provide you with contacts of shelters if need be. There are people out there that dedicate their lives to helping and protecting people in your situation. They care about you and we do too....
I know I don't walk in your shoes - but I just gotta tell you if it were me his a** would be in jail. You don't deserve this. You are worth more than to be subject to the physical abuse of a drunk.
I also read where you recently posted that you are afraid to leave the relationship because you fear what he will do based on reading about DV and what can happen when you try to get out of it.
You are not a prisoner of this man - this is why it is so important to call the DV hotline. They will guide you in how to protect yourself and provide you with contacts of shelters if need be. There are people out there that dedicate their lives to helping and protecting people in your situation. They care about you and we do too....
I know I don't walk in your shoes - but I just gotta tell you if it were me his a** would be in jail. You don't deserve this. You are worth more than to be subject to the physical abuse of a drunk.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I deal with DV professionally, and you could be in considerable danger of a lot more than bruises. I train police and other DV professionals, and grabbing by the throat is a precursor to strangulation, which is one of the signs that violence is escalating. It indicates a heightened probability of homicide.
Please do contact the DV hotline. They can help you make a safety plan and get you safely out of the relationship. Please. Information never hurts anything, and it could save your life.
Please do contact the DV hotline. They can help you make a safety plan and get you safely out of the relationship. Please. Information never hurts anything, and it could save your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Abuse hurts. It hurts alot. It's painfull.
A women, lady, girl should never be hit,
struck, threatened no matter what.
Many are abused for many many reasons
just as I was physically, verbally, emotionally
at the hand of someone that brought me
into this world. The person who is to nourture
and love me. My mom who was sick with her
own demons, alcohol and prescription meds
mixed. A deadly concotion meant to destroy
things in it's path. Even a child.
My brother
also struck me, pounded on me to boast his
ego. Sick.
Stand up for urself. Find it in ur gut to reach
for help to avoid further hurt and abuse. You
deserve to be happy, safe, secured in life.
Once you realize that you, you are special and
worth it, then you can stand strong against abuse
you don't deserve nor want or need.
There are many survivors of abuse that comes
in all forms. They are stronger today for recognizing
that they were victims at first, but not anymore.
A women, lady, girl should never be hit,
struck, threatened no matter what.
Many are abused for many many reasons
just as I was physically, verbally, emotionally
at the hand of someone that brought me
into this world. The person who is to nourture
and love me. My mom who was sick with her
own demons, alcohol and prescription meds
mixed. A deadly concotion meant to destroy
things in it's path. Even a child.
My brotheralso struck me, pounded on me to boast his
ego. Sick.
Stand up for urself. Find it in ur gut to reach
for help to avoid further hurt and abuse. You
deserve to be happy, safe, secured in life.
Once you realize that you, you are special and
worth it, then you can stand strong against abuse
you don't deserve nor want or need.
There are many survivors of abuse that comes
in all forms. They are stronger today for recognizing
that they were victims at first, but not anymore.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Good advice ahead of me. There is only one person who can stop this madness....you. It will continue to esculate...be a responsible parent, get your child out of there. There is help available, take it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Sadconfused:
We are all here for you, I am so sorry this has happened. Regardless of the 'reasoning' (his serious state of drunkeness) - this isn't okay. Things escalate and I assure you; your child may love him - but will grow to hate him due to his treatment of you. I hope you are able to take the advise from the people on here that truly care about you. You are worthy of so much more than this. I will pray for you. Please seek out assistance; your bestfriend LOVES you, a DV hotline/assistance is vital - this is a secret that could end horribly. Please be safe.
We are all here for you, I am so sorry this has happened. Regardless of the 'reasoning' (his serious state of drunkeness) - this isn't okay. Things escalate and I assure you; your child may love him - but will grow to hate him due to his treatment of you. I hope you are able to take the advise from the people on here that truly care about you. You are worthy of so much more than this. I will pray for you. Please seek out assistance; your bestfriend LOVES you, a DV hotline/assistance is vital - this is a secret that could end horribly. Please be safe.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Call the DV hotline.
Awareness: You are aware that this is happening and that you don't like it and don't want to live this way.
Acceptance: This is what it is. He isn't going to change. It won't change for you either, unless...
Action: You take a step to remove yourself from the unacceptable situation. Find a private place to call the DV hotline. It doesn't obligate you to do anything if you can't or if you aren't ready. But your knowledge is your power. Knowledge will help take the edge off some of the fear.
You deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe. Your child deserves to be happy, healthy and safe. Period.
Awareness: You are aware that this is happening and that you don't like it and don't want to live this way.
Acceptance: This is what it is. He isn't going to change. It won't change for you either, unless...
Action: You take a step to remove yourself from the unacceptable situation. Find a private place to call the DV hotline. It doesn't obligate you to do anything if you can't or if you aren't ready. But your knowledge is your power. Knowledge will help take the edge off some of the fear.
You deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe. Your child deserves to be happy, healthy and safe. Period.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Well the apologies have poured in all morning, the promises to quit drinking, etc. I told him I didnt believe him because this isnt the first or even second or third time this has happened and I have heard the same stuff. He got mad, said he was sick to his stomach over this and blah blah blah. Im sick over it all, my head is throbbing and i feel like running away. Mu dad apparently heard it last night and came in asking me what was going on, I made an excuse because I dont want to deal.with the chaos that would bring. I wish I could tell him or my brother without them juat instantly jumping up ready to fight because that doesnt help. Thank you all for the kind words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
This is something I find useful to put the abuse and the apologies in context:
http://www.fafinc.org/Site%20Documen...of%20Abuse.gif
http://www.fafinc.org/Site%20Documen...of%20Abuse.gif
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I know you dont want to deal with it....I know. I've been there. But making excuses is enabling them....don't cover up for him. It's amazing how the weight of the world that you are carrying will feel so much lighter if you stop covering up for him. Let him handle his own consequences. If your dad asks you whats up, tell him.
Only you can break the chains...
Only you can break the chains...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oh dear, SadConfused, this is such a terrible burden for you to carry. Very frightening.
I have some familiarity with that, because, when I left my alcoholic porn addicted husband last July 4th, I could not see the depth of the emotional abuse I had been suffering, and while I ran from the porn, I didn't understand how close I had come to losing my identity and self in that circle of abuse that contained me and fenced me in, away from the rest of the world.
I was not a reliable witness to my own life. I could not be a rational advocate for myself. I needed people who had distance and perspective to help me get my thinking back to reality.
And your situation is much much worse, much much more dangerous since it is escalating physical abuse.
I'm thinking, as I read so many posts about calling domestic violence people, and especially as I look at that unnerving chart Florence posted about the cycle of abuse, that you are stuck so deep in this cycle that it is hard to get your head to the surface and see what is really going on.
As all of us would, you have to keep ducking under the surface of the water to try and keep his abuse from hitting you again.
First, you are on the inside of this abuse, fenced in by fear. This is keeping you captive in an escalating dangerous situation.
You are not seeing the world through your own true eyes. You are seeing it through the filter of "what further abuse will my AH do to me if I disobey him?"
For me, I had been brainwashed. I was not able to understand what was happening to me because I allowed myself to be brainwashed that my AH's view was "THE view".
Get outside that perspective and do some reality checks with people who have survived what you are going through. Call domestic violence. Call a lawyer. Call a minister. Call a counsellor or psychiatrist.
Second, to preserve your PHYSICAL safety for your and your child, let alone your EMOTIONAL safety, you need to exit this living situation. Thinking that chaos, fighting, and damage may result if you tell your family what is going on comes from believing that your AH has all the power and control over what happens to you and your son.
This is not true. You can get out safely, with your child. You need to do it carefully, planned out so that you prevent the potential payback your AH may want for your disobeying him and revealing him.
The fact that your dad and brothers would fight for you can be scarey, especially knowing how much violence your AH carries, and how he might react to intervention from the men in your family. Their potential rage against your AH's treatment of you can be channeled into protecting you in powerful non-violent ways.
Who is the most rational among your family? Maybe your Dad? Maybe you could have him accompany you and your son to seeing a domestic violence specialist, and work out a reasonable, safe plan for your family to help you get out of this desperate living situation.
You have allies; when you realize this, and that their love for you can be channeled into constructive action to get you free, you'll find your way out.
We're here with you, whatever you do or don't do, think of us as your new best friends!
ShootingStar1
I have some familiarity with that, because, when I left my alcoholic porn addicted husband last July 4th, I could not see the depth of the emotional abuse I had been suffering, and while I ran from the porn, I didn't understand how close I had come to losing my identity and self in that circle of abuse that contained me and fenced me in, away from the rest of the world.
I was not a reliable witness to my own life. I could not be a rational advocate for myself. I needed people who had distance and perspective to help me get my thinking back to reality.
And your situation is much much worse, much much more dangerous since it is escalating physical abuse.
I'm thinking, as I read so many posts about calling domestic violence people, and especially as I look at that unnerving chart Florence posted about the cycle of abuse, that you are stuck so deep in this cycle that it is hard to get your head to the surface and see what is really going on.
As all of us would, you have to keep ducking under the surface of the water to try and keep his abuse from hitting you again.
First, you are on the inside of this abuse, fenced in by fear. This is keeping you captive in an escalating dangerous situation.
You are not seeing the world through your own true eyes. You are seeing it through the filter of "what further abuse will my AH do to me if I disobey him?"
For me, I had been brainwashed. I was not able to understand what was happening to me because I allowed myself to be brainwashed that my AH's view was "THE view".
Get outside that perspective and do some reality checks with people who have survived what you are going through. Call domestic violence. Call a lawyer. Call a minister. Call a counsellor or psychiatrist.
Second, to preserve your PHYSICAL safety for your and your child, let alone your EMOTIONAL safety, you need to exit this living situation. Thinking that chaos, fighting, and damage may result if you tell your family what is going on comes from believing that your AH has all the power and control over what happens to you and your son.
This is not true. You can get out safely, with your child. You need to do it carefully, planned out so that you prevent the potential payback your AH may want for your disobeying him and revealing him.
The fact that your dad and brothers would fight for you can be scarey, especially knowing how much violence your AH carries, and how he might react to intervention from the men in your family. Their potential rage against your AH's treatment of you can be channeled into protecting you in powerful non-violent ways.
Who is the most rational among your family? Maybe your Dad? Maybe you could have him accompany you and your son to seeing a domestic violence specialist, and work out a reasonable, safe plan for your family to help you get out of this desperate living situation.
You have allies; when you realize this, and that their love for you can be channeled into constructive action to get you free, you'll find your way out.
We're here with you, whatever you do or don't do, think of us as your new best friends!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi Sadconfused,
I'm so sorry. I wish you had a respite, a place of quiet and peace where you could rest for a little bit.
Please consider calling the DV hotline. I'm so glad you can come here for support but it would be so good for you to talk to someone in real life. That hotline is a safe place for you.
Thinking of you today.
I'm so sorry. I wish you had a respite, a place of quiet and peace where you could rest for a little bit.
Please consider calling the DV hotline. I'm so glad you can come here for support but it would be so good for you to talk to someone in real life. That hotline is a safe place for you.
Thinking of you today.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I came clean to my bff, she was furious with him and wants me to get rid of him of course.she said she would help in anyway possible and offered to let me stay with her or some of her friends. He doesnt know where they live so at least I know I have somewhere to go if I need too.
My dad is an A as well so he is no one that can really help me. I grew up learning to sacrifice so that everyone else could.continue on as normal. I have to break this, I dont want.my daughter growing up and continuing the cycle as me and my mom have. Neither of my brothers are level headed, if either hear about it there will be a fight and I dont want anyone going to jail over it. I know I am protecting him and it disgusts me. I actually feel sorry for him, wtf is wrong with me? I am almoat 100% sure his apologizies and acting as if he feels bad is fake. I cant trust him. He acts like everything should just be om because hesaid he was sorry. I dont believe him for a min. I am going to call a lawyer in a few to see what I need to do about custody and what not. Im scared, he isnt going to make thia easy and its going to get really bad before it get any better. I just want to disappear.
My dad is an A as well so he is no one that can really help me. I grew up learning to sacrifice so that everyone else could.continue on as normal. I have to break this, I dont want.my daughter growing up and continuing the cycle as me and my mom have. Neither of my brothers are level headed, if either hear about it there will be a fight and I dont want anyone going to jail over it. I know I am protecting him and it disgusts me. I actually feel sorry for him, wtf is wrong with me? I am almoat 100% sure his apologizies and acting as if he feels bad is fake. I cant trust him. He acts like everything should just be om because hesaid he was sorry. I dont believe him for a min. I am going to call a lawyer in a few to see what I need to do about custody and what not. Im scared, he isnt going to make thia easy and its going to get really bad before it get any better. I just want to disappear.
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