constantlylearn

"Why aren't we talking?" - XAB

Do I reply?

The last I responded to him was after he accused me of sleeping with my neighbor (read other post) and he said "i f***ing hate you! I knew you were blah blah blah" I responded with:

"You know I'm not. I don't deserve this etc etc etc I don't want to talk to you anymore."

So? Do I explain the NC or do I let it lie? If I clarify I was thinking of saying this:

"We aren't talking because you told me you f**king hate me. Because you're not trying to be mature and because you have no problem being absolutely cruel to me. It's time you grow up."


Advice?

LoveMeNow

No contact is no contact. Engaging is only putting you back on the roller coaster. Stay on it long enough and you will get sick.

Stay strong!!

Lily1918

I am often tempted to do this with many people in my life. I love witty comebacks and smarting people in debates but my grandmother always told me that if I could learn to hold my tongue, and treat words like money and spend them carefully, then I would be considered wise. so you can send it if you want, but then he's gonna text you back and well if you do happen to want some revenge then maybe take peace in the fact that the one thing he doesn't want from you is silence.

constantlylearn

Yeah, I know silence is what he hates plus I feel like I told him that I wouldn't talk to him anyway by saying I don't want to talk to you anymore after he was so cruel. so that's all he gets.

He text after that saying "do you want me out of your life?" "If that's really what you want I'll disappear"

Still holding kinda strong

coraltint

the unknown is scary, but your life is probably going to get much more pleasant & much less chaotic the further you get away from your last contact with an active addict.

LoveMeNow

I am going to bump a thread posted by Lightseeker - read it and watch!

Starve the Vampire. Active addicts are very perdictable....but then again so are we.

constantlylearn

When you lovemenow and coraltinit say "active addict" do you meananyone even tthough they aren't using again that isn't working a program and is still cruel? (Just wondering for clarification as I read around)

Also, yes starving the vampire. Its all I have left, because I don't have much. You know?

LoveMeNow

IMO, drugs are just a symptom. So if they are not working a program, I do not believe they are in recovery.

constantlylearn

This is fantastic. Totally needed this, thank you so much.

Drugs are the symptom of something already broken.

Now I have to learn to let go and give him to God and move in a forward motion.:ghug3

blackandblue

I was about to post on no contact and may still. But conveniently you already covered the topic of what I wanted to post. We actually just have to decide for ourselves if we are ready to go no contact and then we owe them nothing IMO. It is very self explanatory in what "no" means and what "contact" means. Otherwise we would say go minimal contact and sometimes we do that dance for a long time. In my case for 2.5 years. Everything they do to reach out and connect with you is contact. And I believe they are keenly aware of what they are doing and will do anything to maintain contact. And they will never respect your boundaries. It is not different than any other break up where the person pleads and begs for another chance except in this case the addiction makes it even harder. They too are grieving the relationship so its best we don't feed it into it or else we are perpetuating the same cycle and not also allowing them or ourselves to fully heal. I am aware of this fact and I find that I am in the hardest stage of no contact. This is usually the part where I go back. So instead of saying I am done and going no contact. I say just for today I am not going to have any contact with him. Because otherwise it is too difficult for me to maintain. If I try to force no contact I wind up with him again with more to learn. I will not make statements I don't know I can back up now. So I set the boundaries I know I can keep. Just for today. One day at a time. Once we allow ourselves the space and freedom to start healing we may learn what we really want. I am still trying.

constantlylearn

Blackandblue:

Yes sometimes it's all we can do just for today. I agree with what you posted about the reaching out just to contact us. We have to somehow heal, bit letting go is really hard. I am grieving all the "good" but trying to remember why we are at this place...too much chaos.

blackandblue

I think just for today is going to be my slogan for life because it helps me make better decisions for me and to be more present for the people in my life. The knowledge of the situation is power, however, if we are not aware of what our true feelings are we cannot let go, move on, forgive, and transcend. It might just mean that we are not ready. Change takes significant effort even without addiction. But addiction is a breeding ground for change. Regardless of how these relationships turn out, I know I do not want to spend my whole life analyzing and intellectualizing his issues. I'd like to be the best version of me I can be and participate in life fully. I am sick of surviving. I want to thrive. We cannot want that for someone who does not want that for themselves. I love my XABF. I accept that. I try to be tough and pretend that I am okay and that I will be fine. But it's not true. I have an attachment and I am not sure if I can just cut it off. But each day I maintain no contact, I gain new insight and don't feel the obsessive need to know what he is doing, to wonder if he is alive, to feel guilty about his sadness, or to try and fix things. If you go back again and again, it starts to make sense. We can do it for a lifetime if we choose. I don't know my path yet but I don't have to know that today. It's like learning to walk again. I am giving myself the space just to feel, live, and breathe and am not making any other major decisions right now. I am not responsible for what he does and never was.

Kindeyes

I loved that statement.

I chose to go minimal contact with my son which involved periods of no contact. I did it for myself....not to punish him or teach him anything......not to expect change in him. It was simply what I needed to do for me at any given time. I needed the space and time to strengthen my own program of self change so that I could interact with him from a healthier position if I did have contact.

While in those periods of "no contact" I was deeply immersed in changing myself.

If we go temporarily "no contact" merely for the purpose of healing so that we can go another round sparring with an active addict, it is an exercise in futility.

If we go temporarily "no contact" in hopes that the addict will come to their senses and realize how important we are to them, it is an exercise in futility.

However, if we go no contact with the intention to figure out why we act and react the way we do, so that we don't just keep repeating the same interaction over and over again (with the same person or the next one), we might be getting somewhere.

gentle hugs
ke

tallgirl77

(((((hugs)))))

Been where you are and know what your feeling.

If you are truly at the point of wanting to be no contact, and not speak with him any longer, block his number and any other numbers that you know he may call from or change you number all together. I have a child with my exabf, and blocked him from calling my cell. He has access to my home phone to contact our son and an email address for me if need be to speak about our son. I am at a point where I have no desire what so ever to hear what he has to say because actions speak alot louder than words, especially in his case.

Stay strong and hold your ground!!!

BeavsDad

Until then, you are "minimal contact" and leaving an open port right into your head.