question
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
NO One's life is ever finished until they die.. I choose not to be so cynical about my future. You can expand on that I guess. Is a codependent ever really successful in their recovery? Their story is not over either... not until they die.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by mstrust 
check out allforcnm's posts. things are going well there...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
dtrim...
I am a member of another recovery board and your question reminded me of a story on that board (some time ago).
There was a gal that was married and her husband became an addict. She tried everything and finally decided to divorce him.
Once divorced, he finally got clean.
After some significant time, she took him back...but did not remarry him.
When someone would ask "are there any happy endings out there" this gal would post that hers was.
When others would challenge her a bit and remind her that she had to divorce him before he got clean...she would defend her position to the hilt.
Hers was a happy ending....until it wasn't.
Sadly, he went back into active addiction and she had to save herself and her children.
They found him dead in a ravine behind his parents house.
Her responses on that board NOW....are very different.
My point is....nobody knows. And not all that have their fairy tale crumble will come back and post about it.
You can only play the cards that are in front of you right now.
Nobody but your HP knows what the next card in the deck is.
I am a member of another recovery board and your question reminded me of a story on that board (some time ago).
There was a gal that was married and her husband became an addict. She tried everything and finally decided to divorce him.
Once divorced, he finally got clean.
After some significant time, she took him back...but did not remarry him.
When someone would ask "are there any happy endings out there" this gal would post that hers was.
When others would challenge her a bit and remind her that she had to divorce him before he got clean...she would defend her position to the hilt.
Hers was a happy ending....until it wasn't.
Sadly, he went back into active addiction and she had to save herself and her children.
They found him dead in a ravine behind his parents house.
Her responses on that board NOW....are very different.
My point is....nobody knows. And not all that have their fairy tale crumble will come back and post about it.
You can only play the cards that are in front of you right now.
Nobody but your HP knows what the next card in the deck is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
you know how you can live in Kansas if you want, or in the deep south of the united states? Im a newbie, but if you live in these places a tornado or hurricane could come along at anytime and destroy your house and kill you or destroy your house and you escape, or maybe your house will escape with only minor damage, or maybe not get hit at all. IMO its like that. some say its better not to build your house in the area at all, while others say the good of the non storm times out weighs the bad, while still others say that rain makes the flowers grow. Its really just a gamble on the decisions of the other person I think. with the buy in cost being your marriage, sanity, and the well being of your children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I think this is a question where it depends on your outlook on life more than anything else.
My husband and I have been married over 20 years. There have been ups and downs in our marriage, even though there have never been any addiction issues between us. However, we have a very strong marriage based on mutual love and respect,and I believe we are a success story. But obviously ‘our story is not over yet’. However, I cannot imagine anything could happen so horrible that I would regret this relationship, regret all that I have put in, and received back from this marriage, and my dear husband.
I think this is where you either view your glass as half empty, or half full.
I have a dear friend, she and her husband were married almost as long as we have been.They drifted apart emotionally, physically, and in time he began an affair. They attempted to work on their issues only to find there was not really a basis for love there anymore. There connection had truly come down to material possessions, ties to their grown children, and mutual friends. They divorced. She told me that she has no regrets in regards to that relationship; they had a good life together for many years, raised beautiful children, worked together to fulfill their dreams, and even though they have each gone their separate ways it will always be a beautiful part of her life. She came away from that relationship emotionally healthy and with a good attitude towards her future. It would have been just as easy for her to come away from that marriage being bitter, angry, and resentful; but that is not who she is, or how she wants to live her life. She has a gift of seeing her life as half full, not half empty.
This concept is not just related to relationships, marriage, or addiction. It can be applied to anything in your life: Are you successful? Did it work out? Are you happy? With your career, in relations with your children, reaching your goals, with your status in the community, with your long standing friendships? It’s all about how you view things in life. Is fear holding you back, or are you boldly moving forward and embracing each day as it is gifted to you?
My husband and I have been married over 20 years. There have been ups and downs in our marriage, even though there have never been any addiction issues between us. However, we have a very strong marriage based on mutual love and respect,and I believe we are a success story. But obviously ‘our story is not over yet’. However, I cannot imagine anything could happen so horrible that I would regret this relationship, regret all that I have put in, and received back from this marriage, and my dear husband.
I think this is where you either view your glass as half empty, or half full.
I have a dear friend, she and her husband were married almost as long as we have been.They drifted apart emotionally, physically, and in time he began an affair. They attempted to work on their issues only to find there was not really a basis for love there anymore. There connection had truly come down to material possessions, ties to their grown children, and mutual friends. They divorced. She told me that she has no regrets in regards to that relationship; they had a good life together for many years, raised beautiful children, worked together to fulfill their dreams, and even though they have each gone their separate ways it will always be a beautiful part of her life. She came away from that relationship emotionally healthy and with a good attitude towards her future. It would have been just as easy for her to come away from that marriage being bitter, angry, and resentful; but that is not who she is, or how she wants to live her life. She has a gift of seeing her life as half full, not half empty.
This concept is not just related to relationships, marriage, or addiction. It can be applied to anything in your life: Are you successful? Did it work out? Are you happy? With your career, in relations with your children, reaching your goals, with your status in the community, with your long standing friendships? It’s all about how you view things in life. Is fear holding you back, or are you boldly moving forward and embracing each day as it is gifted to you?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I had an addict BF who got sober. I married him when he was clean for 18 months. As soon as we married he quit working a recovery program. He stayed sober for the next 5 years of our marriage but his "dry drunk" behavior was so difficult that I left him to save myself. I think that it was the "addict" in him that propelled the behaviors that caused me to leave him.
After I left he started drinking and smoking pot. 6 months later he had a crack pipe in his mouth. He says he no longer uses crack but drinks and "smokes weed" from time to time. I'm glad not to be living close up with him to see how that is working out for him.
When I was with him I tried to find other couples where things had worked out in a positive way. Quite frankly, anything is possible but you never ever know what is going to happen in your own situation. You can have 100 people that get and stay sober in a marriage but if you are the 101st person and your spouse uses - none of that means a lick.
Other people's successes or failures don't predict individual choices. Wish that they did so that we could better assess risk factors.
After I left he started drinking and smoking pot. 6 months later he had a crack pipe in his mouth. He says he no longer uses crack but drinks and "smokes weed" from time to time. I'm glad not to be living close up with him to see how that is working out for him.
When I was with him I tried to find other couples where things had worked out in a positive way. Quite frankly, anything is possible but you never ever know what is going to happen in your own situation. You can have 100 people that get and stay sober in a marriage but if you are the 101st person and your spouse uses - none of that means a lick.
Other people's successes or failures don't predict individual choices. Wish that they did so that we could better assess risk factors.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
When we lose someone we love to addiction, it is very hard to walk away not feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, and sad.
Glass half full, glass half empty........the end is the same when you see someone you loved so lost and there is nothing you can do to help them.
Glass half full, glass half empty........the end is the same when you see someone you loved so lost and there is nothing you can do to help them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Than you all for your responses... I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm having a panic attack ..My husbands drug of choice was always pills but he left his phone at home today and I saw someone had texted me who he told me did heroin and he asked him if he wanted any.. I then pretended to be him and said no I'm not into that ... and he responded by saying you been doing it... so now I'm extremely depressed thinking how could he do this.... I don't know what to do or how to handle any of this... he has a good job and still working and I've never seen it ... I just need help I dont know what to do... I just wish I didn't have kids because this life is too painful.. the person I love is no long that person
One day at a time
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
Dtrim,
We love you. We feel your pain.
Please, think about this, if it were your sister would you tell her to stay? Even a mother or brother?
We love our addicts with our whole heart and souls but we cannot change them.
I want to tell you that until this month I thought I was going to marry the man of my dream who was a "recovering" addict. He relapsed (for the millionth time) I'm doing NC. It hurts but think about yourSELF you're a beautiful soul who cares.
Use it to care for you.
No one can tell you what to do, but I want to tell you please don't undervalue yourself, you're worth more than gold.
We love you. We feel your pain.
Please, think about this, if it were your sister would you tell her to stay? Even a mother or brother?
We love our addicts with our whole heart and souls but we cannot change them.
I want to tell you that until this month I thought I was going to marry the man of my dream who was a "recovering" addict. He relapsed (for the millionth time) I'm doing NC. It hurts but think about yourSELF you're a beautiful soul who cares.
Use it to care for you.
No one can tell you what to do, but I want to tell you please don't undervalue yourself, you're worth more than gold.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I'm 3 years sober (needle and booze) and married for 14. The last year has been amazing. Therapy, AA, and Alanon have set us free and given our relationship a spiritual level I never knew existed.
I am told that this is not overly common, but it IS possible.
I am told that this is not overly common, but it IS possible.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I know that from earlier posts that you have young children and your husband has had relapses. If you are looking for couples that make it and the mate stays sober- make sure you are asking what the quality of the relationship is and exactly what it took for them to make it.
In my opinion, if you expose children to a parent in active addiction then you are either programing them to use or be with a user. They ARE impacted no matter how much you shield them from it (or think that you are shielding them). The pain of a your child using is 100% worse than anything I felt with my ex....this is a whole different ballpark. I'm not trying to take anything away from significant others and spouses but this thing with a child is pure-t visceral.
Children learn what they live. I hate to see anyone make the choices that I've made and end up with the sorrow and regret that I have experienced. No relationship is worth this.
In my opinion, if you expose children to a parent in active addiction then you are either programing them to use or be with a user. They ARE impacted no matter how much you shield them from it (or think that you are shielding them). The pain of a your child using is 100% worse than anything I felt with my ex....this is a whole different ballpark. I'm not trying to take anything away from significant others and spouses but this thing with a child is pure-t visceral.
Children learn what they live. I hate to see anyone make the choices that I've made and end up with the sorrow and regret that I have experienced. No relationship is worth this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
constantlylearn - thanks for the encouragement.. I really needed it andI'm sorry for your situation... It is hard but def best thing you did... what is NC?
lightseeker- I know I dont want my kids to grow up addicts and I'm sorry I can't imagine how you feel with your child being an addict...
I need the strength to do what I have to ..... God please guide me in what is the right thing for me to do
lightseeker- I know I dont want my kids to grow up addicts and I'm sorry I can't imagine how you feel with your child being an addict...
I need the strength to do what I have to ..... God please guide me in what is the right thing for me to do
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