ksumm77

AH has been sober for 2 years. We have been talking and were going to try and start a family this year. Last night AH said we weren't healthy enough to have kids and that he didn't kow if he wanted to stay married to me. Said he's not using but feels like he's using and feels we're just existing. I asked him to leave so we could have time apart. Today, he came by to pick up clothes. He said it's nothing I did. Says he hasn't felt the spiritual connection for several months now. Said he used to listen tochristian music on the way to and from work, used to pray in detail and used to get something out of church. Says he feels numb and doesn't have the desire to do God's will. Also says he doesn't feel he can be himself around me as he can be himself at NA meetings. Says it's something to the effect that I'm too prim and proper. From what he tells me he doesn't talk at meetings. I'm trying to focus on me and take care of me and talk to my sponsor. I didn't know if anyone had been through a similar situation.

LexieCat

Hard to say whether he's headed toward relapse, but he may be. It sure doesn't sound like happy sobriety. Sounds as if some time apart is the best thing for right now. At least you get some breathing room.

Hugs, sorry things are taking this turn.

thislonelygirl

I agree with lexie
Sounds like straight on depression to me. To a t. Thats what he is describing.
Look up the symptoms of depression you may be surprised .
If thats the case then yes some time apart may be needed but why dont you ask him if hell talk to soneone? It may be what he needs.

bigsombrero

It might be positive to direct him to Quad-A meetings (atheists and agnostics for AA). Demons are tough to fight, especially when you're "best friend" is clearly non-existent and you are beginning to understand that truth.

That said, moving out, saying those things, strange behavior, are all scary signs. I have not been in that position so I have no advice, but I understand your concern. Good luck.

CarrieTX

First, let me say that I can only imagine how hurt, sad, confused, and scared I would be if I had experienced this. With that said, your husband is correct. What he said and is experiencing isn't about you. How you respond to what he said is though - so congratulations on talking to your sponsor and working your program!

The truth is that no one can know whether or not he is headed to a relapse, but yes, loss of spiritual connection can be a symptom of being on a relapse path. The good news is that he recognizes it. Obviously, what he does about it is up to him.

There is one dynamic in this that stands out to me. Regardless of whether or not he is using or will return to using, you are being effected negatively by his addition. It's just that now you are being affected by a missing element (spiritual connection) of his recovery from active addiction.

Also, I have heard of many instances where the addict/alcoholic feels or has said to their partner that they feel like they can't be themselves around them like they can be themselves at meetings. Again, this is about them (and usually a sign of early recovery or character defects on their part that they aren't addressing).

CarrieTX

This made me wonder if he has a sponsor as well, and if so, is he talking to his sponsor.

ksumm77

He does have a sponsor, says that he has been talking with his sponsor. He also sent me an email yesterday that he had an appointment scheduled with a therapist that he's seen in the past. I'm praying for him, but also still managing to keep the focus on me with the help of my sponsor who has been wonderful through this experience.

NYCDoglvr

He will do whatever he decides to do and there's nothing you can say or do that will affect that. Dive into support, Alanon and the forum, this is a very tough thing to go through.

ksumm77

AH called me last night. He said he missed me and was sorry. He saw his counselor on Monday. Says he feels like he is running and has abandoned me and that he can't stay at his dad's forever. Just the day before he called, he sent me an email saying he didn't know how long he would be gone but he wanted to take care of himself because this (him leaving) couldn't happen again. Last night on the phone, he was hoping that I would tell him to come home the very next day. I think I threw him for a loop because I told him that I want to make sure this is not going to happen again, how hurt and scared I felt that he said he didn't know if he wanted to remain married to me. He apologized and said that he's tired of every time something happens in our marriage it is because of him and his issues. He apologized and said he wants to be married to me. When I said something about deciding if I need to go back on my antidepressants, he asked me "What about babies?" (Since I went off of my antidepressants to try to have a child.) However, this question confused me because just 3 days ago he said we were too unhealthy to have a child. He even asked me, if we do get a dissolution, are you going to stay at the house? This is after he said he wants to stay married. I told him I was focused on the present and I didn't answer that question.

I am still keeping the focus on me and keeping in touch with my sponsor each day. It's difficult to know when to tell AH that he can return home. I don't want to go back to the same old "muck" that we were in.

ODAT63

I know alcoholism runs in the family (genes) and so does depression, I see my sons struggling one with alcohol and the younger with depression.....I love them so much and at the same time I wish I had chosen a father without those genes. If I knew then what I know now.......