kam00096

I've had a horrific week with anxiety and changing meds and today I've drank almost a bottle of wine. It's the first time I haven't felt like I'm losing my mind in a week and I don't care how bad I feel tomorrow, it's bloody worth it not to be crawling the walls. This is the problem I have with alcohol, it's not like 'Oh I crave a drink cos it'll make me happy/ less insecure/ more confident'/ any of the other reasons, it's that despite therapy, and a plethora of meds I don't feel calm unless I've had a drink.

mecanix

Keep yourself safe ,
Bestwishes, M

LindseyMarie

Kam I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It was just one slip, get back up and dust yourself off. You are better than this! You came here for a reason, don't lose sight of that. I still believe in you, it was a a stumble, not a complete fall. You CAN do this. Stay strong and good luck

artsoul

I'm sorry you've have a horrific week and I totally understand wanting to self-medicate, but you have to look at this long-term. Alcohol isn't a solution and will only makes your problems worse. You already know that, though.

Could it be that this new medication isn't for you? I hope you talk to your doctor and find some answers. I think early sobriety is rocky for most of us, but don't give up trying, kam. We're here for ya.....:ghug3

vegibean

kam, I felt like that last Tuesday.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but I get it.

Keep moving forward, it will get better. I know how hard it is to get sober and stay sober, it took me many months in rehab the first go round to do it just to keep me safe from myself.

We're here if you need us. :ghug3

ScottFromWI

Kam - if you truly didn't care you wouldn't have come here to tell us. We all know how hard it is and deal with it every day. Just about all of us have slipped multiple times as well. Dust your self off and know that it will only get worse - the temporary relief will not last. Stay with us and keep reading/thinking positive - we care about you too.

Wastinglife

I often drank just for the serene calmness it provided. Nothing gave me that peace of mind quite like it. I wish they could make a pill that duplicated that effect without all the other 'side effects' of alcohol.

renaldo

Yeah, those darned side effects. The most significant one for me is lack of motivation. I really enjoy sleeping or lying in bed feeling really relaxed. I don't drink and drive, don't get in fist fights at sporting events or any of that nonsense, but I love my bed.

Xune

If you didn't care at all, why post here then?

Hope springs eternal.

Best of luck to you.

2granddaughters

I felt just like you... from about 1972 to 1989. Nothing seemed to work and I was coming to the end of my rope.

My life got so bad that I had to go to AA. To surrender and quit fighting.

Please Google and read AA's "How It Works" where it talks about "There are those too with grave emotional and mental disorders but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest". That was me.

It describes how nothing seemed to work for us and we felt more hopeless as time went on. Sound familiar?

AA keeps me sober, sane and serene.. it has for over 23 yrs. I need a spiritual treatment, not a medicinal one.

Give it a good try, it might just be your last option. It was mine.

All the best.

Bob R

MrsKing

kam, I know how you feel, because that's one of the reasons I drank too - so that I could create that 'calm' space in my head, kick out all the demons, the stresses, the rubbishness of daily life and be free of all worry. It may have worked for the first couple of drinks, but I wasn't calm after 15 drinks. And I definitely wasn't calm the next day.

I've tried to start looking at life as a bigger picture now, and the way I drank and what it did it me was never anything positive.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope it's a sober one for you, if that's what you want.

Wishing you all the best.

kam00096

Thanks for all the replies. I do appreciate them! I'm not trying to make excuses for my drinking - I just think it's unusual circumstances. I have severe emetophobia (vomit phobia). It's not something that you can avoid, as whatever precautions you take you can still be exposed to a virus at any time. This means, at best, I'm worried about being exposed randomly, and at worst, I have massive panic attacks if I come into contact with any bug/ possible exposure. The last week I've been exposed, and stopped tablets that have nausea and vomiting as a withdrawal side effect. After one panic attack followed by another and another, I finally gave in this morning. And yes I know I'll feel worse tomorrow, and I'll wish that I hadn't drank, but right now the relief, and the fact I've switched off the anxiety part of my brain, and now know all the side effects I felt were nerves and nothing else is worth it, (am seeing a psychologist and will tell her all of this)

Dee74

I think most of us could claim extenuating circumstances tho - I know noone had to deal with exactly the same set of circumstances and factors I did.

That still doesn't change the fact that alcohol was not a great solution for me.

You know what alcohol does to you in the longer term Kam - if alcohol is still your go to solution, you're really painting yourself into a corner here.

D

TrixMixer

Hi Kam,

Your taking a big chance if you have a fear of vomiting---excessive drinking is the companion of Vomiting. You stopped meds that have nausea as a side effect but are able to withstand excessive drinking and the possibility of vomiting. Wow How does that work....and don't say you have never had too much to drink and got REALLY sick---UGHHHHHHHHH ---alcohol is the worst thing for your biggest fear. May want to rethink those "pills with side effects" excuse. LOL!

renaldo

Pills take time to kick in. Alcohol works in a matter of seconds. Even sniffing gas involves a ritual and takes considerable thought. Various elements have to be in place for it to be an enriching experience. Taking a swig of beer requires no ritual. The only variance factors are the rate at which you consume, whether you've eaten or not, and how much sleep you've had.

Well, I guess there are other factors, but there is no big surprise for me what happens when I drink. As Dee said, there are no epiphanies to be had there. Waking up in jail is not a "surprise" that I'm courting, so I have proper respect for alcohol. It does what it does and I know what to expect. It still throws me for a loop sometimes, though.

In recent years it has never been my intention to get drunk, but it happens sometimes anyway. That damned amygdala! I'm like one of Pavolv's dogs.

I find it funny when people ask if there's alcoholism in my family. If you branch out from the nuclear family, there's alcoholism in EVERY family. AV is like a child molester whose desire is never fulfilled. Also patient and conniving, just like a serial molester. Gives you good reasons when you are at your most vulnerable why this is a good idea. But don't tell anyone about our "little secret."

Mcribb

I can relate. I eventually got to the point where I was ready to go through the anxiety the pain to stay sober. I was willing to scratch and claw to be honest with a sponsor in AA to stay sober.

EternalQ

Kam ....may I recommend you go to the stories of recovery section on SR and read the first person accounts of some of the people you know here? It sounds like you need a radical shift in your thinking and I think that might do it.

I don't like writing with you when you've been drinking.

But I do know something that dawned on me yesterday: if you want to find reasons why you can't do something, you totally will find them. There are reasons everywhere to justify not persevering.

But maybe you shouldn't be looking for reasons. Maybe you should be looking for courage.

I hope you stop pouring that liquid depressant down your throat. And check with us tomorrow. When you're not drinking. Thanks.