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I've blown it

Old 01-27-2013, 03:18 AM
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I've blown it

Hi everyone
This is my first post here but I have been visiting this forum for a while now to read now and then.
I know I won't get any answers or my situation won't change from posting here. It's all my own fault and problem but I just need to vent my anxiety.

I've been drinking for years but stupidly thought it wasn't a big problem as I was still living a 'normal' day to day life, holding down a job, and thinking I've been hiding it well from everyone (who am I kidding).

However I feel like its all come to ahead now, I think I have over done it and my employer knows. I am dreading going back to work. Terrified I'm going to get the sack. All weekend I have been so anxious, I'm trying not to think about what will happen because I know I can't change it now. I just know that I'm going to get spoken to tomorrow. I actually feel scared to death, my heart is racing, I get hot flushes, feel tingling all over everytime I think about it. Feel physically sick and angry at myself that I've done this to myself. How am I going to face everyone, so ashamed and embarrassed and I will lose everything and everyone once it gets out. I also couldn't sleep a wink last night. This is it now, I'm done! I never want to feel like this again.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to air this, but also welcoming any words from someone who has been in a similar situation.
Thanks for reading.
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:49 AM
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Thanks for posting 7897 and welcome to SR

Your post reminds me of how I felt practically on a daily basis when I was drinking. Although I never drank at work I drank the rest of the time and I felt like it was obvious. In my case it appeared that no one actually noticed and I managed to get sober with relatively little fuss. Either that or my employer knows and just hasn't mentioned it. He knows I quit now. In a way that fear is good if it really spurs you on to quit drinking. That's what happened with me. I had this huge paranoia of anyone watching me work because my hands were shaking and I knew I smelt bad and the sweat was pouring off me. It might be a good idea to take some action today so that if your employer does say something then you have evidence of a willingness to quit at least. Whatever happens know that it can only get better from now on. I was horrified at the thought of anyone finding out about my little problem but when I finally told people it was a huge relief. I was amazed at how much this isn't an issue for other people. Not that other people think it's acceptable, it's not, but other people won't feel the shame that you do and they won't think bad of you. I hope everything goes relatively smoothly for you and keep posting here. It really helps to have support xxx
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:53 AM
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Drink can sure get us into bad situations .
Now i've quit, bad things sometimes happen but i'm a lot better able to deal with them .

Wishing you the best for tommorow, M
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:57 AM
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Hi & welcome to SR. Like Hypo I also felt like this at work. It didn't get better until I gave up trying to moderate (and failing) my drinking. I never drank at work but I was in the pub most nights as soon as I finished.

The loss of anxiety, that knot in my stomach that I had messed up constantly is a huge relief to me now.

Keep posting and reading, it will help you.

S x
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:58 AM
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7898-

First off, thanks for reaching out. Secondly, take a deep breath. Often times things are worse in our heads than they are in reality. Obsessing over what *could happen* will only add to your anxiety. You have decided you are done. Now, think proactively about what you will do with this new decision. What will be different? How do you plan on approaching work differently? What course corrections do you want to make, and how will you recalibrate to be better at your job?

Thinking about these things will help get your mind in a better place when you meet with people at work. You can't change your past. But you CAN change your future. And even the worst case scenario (disciplinary action), isn't the worst that could happen. You have new insights, a new way you want to be and act. Focus on that.

More to say, but my little people are up and I need to get breakfast on the table. Sending you good thoughts. Keep us posted.
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Old 01-27-2013, 04:17 AM
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You might be over thinking this.

If it was a work function and everyone else was drinking then maybe your behaviour does not stand out as much as you think it did.

Did something bad happen that you can recall? An argument, a fight?
Or were you just too drunk?

My advice would be, whatever you decide with regards to your drinking, that alcohol and work do not mix.
If you have to attend work functions where drink is served, avoid it all you can and do not let anyone pressure you into drinking.

I have come to learn that for me, alcohol does not give me confidence, does not make me more sociable, does not make me witty or able to make great conversations.
It takes away everything that is nice about me.

Try not to let your thoughts spiral off out of control.
It may not be that much of a black and white situation.

Do you have a work friend you could confide in who might be able to help you understand what really happened and might make facing tomorrow easier?

Do not be worried about coming here and confiding with us.
It is nothing we have not seen or done ourselves before.
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:24 AM
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I don't know what your circumstances are, but anxiety about future events that may or may not occur isn't healthy. Try to focus on today. Why don't you go to an AA meeting today, it might help with the anxiety.

Also if you are confronted about your drinking, you could say "I know it's become a problem and I've started going to AA." That shows some honesty and an effort to take action on your problem.
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:37 AM
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I can totally relate to the nervous stomach anxiety thing. I remember it well.
A few months from now you can look back on this time as the time "I blew it", or that wonderful time that I realized my true condition, and did something about it. Maybe hit an AA meeting and try to listen for the similarities and ignore the differences.
All the best.
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Old 01-27-2013, 06:51 AM
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A lot of your post, I can relate too. I don't think my employer ever knew anything was wrong, but other people did all the way down to the store clerk who sells me wine and beer everyday. I would be able to look around and know that the life I was living was not normal and it was not healthy. I knew that if I keep it up I will die young.

Sometimes these things are blessings in disguise; they give us the motivation we need to make changes and quit. And from my readings here and other places, it always seems to be the best thing that's ever happened to people. Jobs can be replaces, and relationships can sometimes be mended and new relationships can be made later on. The only thing you can really lose for good is your life by continued alcohol abuse.

You will not lose nearly as much as you'll gain in the long run. Welcome aboard.
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:38 AM
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I agree with the suggestion that you find an AA meeting today. AA meetings are full of people whose drinking led them to situations even more, ahem, awkward than yours, and they recovered and have self-respect and the respect of others once again.

You have no idea what will happen at this meeting, but it may well be that you will be strongly warned about future incidents. You are also likely to be referred to your employer's Employee Assistance Program, in which case I suggest you gratefully accept. The best thing you can do now is to own your problem and start taking the necessary steps to address it.
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:56 AM
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I hope things turn out better than you are expecting them to. :ghug3
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:23 AM
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Welcome 7897 -

I managed to keep my drinking a secret for a long time, too. Things looked OK from the outside, but inside, I was a mess. Waking up with anxiety everyday was the worst.

A lot of what you describe sounds like alcohol withdrawal. You might want to consider seeing a doctor. I hope things work out for you with the job - I think when we're honest about getting help, most people respond in a favorable manner.

Keep reading and posting!:ghug3
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:26 AM
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Thankyou everyone for your replies, really appreciate the kind and honest words.

I really am not sure about going to any meetings, I wouldn't know where to start and I'm too scared to be truthful! I can do it by myself as I've stopped before. But I think now it has suddenly hit me how serious this all is and what I'm risking, and I'm basically just wasting my life.

I just hope I'm lucky enough not to have messed everything up and can have another chance. getting more and more anxious as the day goes on, I really am expecting the worse!

Has anyone had any experiences with paranoia? Is this something involved with drinking?
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:42 AM
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Yes, I was PLAGUED by paranoia at the end of my drinking. It had to do with a combination of withdrawal (which I experienced on a daily basis until I could get home and drink), and the shame from hiding my life from everyone.

One thing about your post--you said you can stop on your own because you've done it before. No doubt. The stopping isn't the biggest challenge with this thing, it's the STAYING stopped. Even when things start looking better in your life. That's exactly when you are most likely to say, "I can deal with it this time, and if things get tough I can always quit again."

Some people never make it back. Are you willing to chance that?

AA isn't the only way for everyone, but it does work for many, many people. If you don't do that, it is still important to do something beyond simply not drinking if you want to stay quit and want to enjoy life sober.
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Old 01-27-2013, 12:45 PM
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Paranoid? me? Why, what have people been saying?

Nothing beats paranoia like honesty I'm afraid. If you're always hiding from stuff then there is always going to be something that you'll be worried other people will find out. You could do worse than commit today to never drinking again. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and determination which will make anything you have to face much easier. It's a bit like the 'yeah but' approach. 'You're an alcoholic' 'Yeah but I've quit now'... As long as you mean it nothing can touch you.

I don't know if that's good advice or not, all I know is that when I started tackling my problem full on I started to feel a lot better.

Have a look at the 'crash course' on AVRT (google it) and see if that helps any. If the idea of quitting forever is too much there is always the one day at a time approach. Even if you never go to an AA meeting you will get lots from that I'm sure. It's available free online too x
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Old 01-27-2013, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by 7897 View Post
Hi everyone
This is my first post here but I have been visiting this forum for a while now to read now and then.
I know I won't get any answers or my situation won't change from posting here. It's all my own fault and problem but I just need to vent my anxiety.

I've been drinking for years but stupidly thought it wasn't a big problem as I was still living a 'normal' day to day life, holding down a job, and thinking I've been hiding it well from everyone (who am I kidding).

However I feel like its all come to ahead now, I think I have over done it and my employer knows. I am dreading going back to work. Terrified I'm going to get the sack. All weekend I have been so anxious, I'm trying not to think about what will happen because I know I can't change it now. I just know that I'm going to get spoken to tomorrow. I actually feel scared to death, my heart is racing, I get hot flushes, feel tingling all over everytime I think about it. Feel physically sick and angry at myself that I've done this to myself. How am I going to face everyone, so ashamed and embarrassed and I will lose everything and everyone once it gets out. I also couldn't sleep a wink last night. This is it now, I'm done! I never want to feel like this again.

Sorry for the long post, just needed to air this, but also welcoming any words from someone who has been in a similar situation.
Thanks for reading.
Hi 7897,

Were you drunk on the job? Or were you out socially and got drunk?
Big difference --on your own time you can drink yourself dead (not saying you should) , but that is your personal life and not something your employer is allowed to monitor, as long as it is not affecting your work.

Now you may have gotten blitzed a party where your boss was, but so what? Why would you lose your job, friends, and co-workers? I am sure when not working everyone of them have their own issues, it is nobody's business.

The only reason this is an issue (and a good thing) is because you have come to face the fact you are an alcoholic, and now you can do something about it before it spirals out of control and you show up at work drunk. You will be quiting while you are ahead of hitting bottom, get out now and save yourself the heartache many of us have not been as lucky to have escaped.

Good Luck to you,
TrixMixer
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