My sad addict brother is starting to ruin my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4
My sad addict brother is starting to ruin my life.
Hello - this is my first post so thank you if you're reading! 
My younger brother, I'll call him Steve, has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for the last 9 years (that I know of, could have been more). In addition, he suffers from severe depression and anxiety.
He's been to expensive "28 Day" rehabs three times (all paid for by my parents), and yet he keeps relapsing. I'm not sure in fact if he's ever been sober for more than a couple months. He is financially supported by them (he's 35), and lives at home off and on. This past Christmas we cancelled the entire holiday because he was in such bad shape, in fact he was admitted to the hospital because of early stage cirrhosis of the liver, and pancreatitis. And my father even moved in with him for a month to well, basically make sure he didn't relapse again and/die.
He calls me semi-regularly - it's always such incredible pathos. He doesn't have any friends, he's such a f--k up, he's so depressed. I'm on edge for the entire conversation because it feels like if I say the wrong thing he'll kill himself.
After this last relapse i thought he might at least have some self awareness of his problems. But now he just acts like nothing's happened, complains about his clutchy girlfriend (who incidentally nursed him through his last relapse and took care of him), and my parents (again, the ones who helped him. I'm not sure they made the right decisions, but they are generally trying to help)
So now he's calling me again. I've been getting depressed and anxious myself. I feel hopeless that he's always going to be this energy sucking vampire in my life, and at the same time I feel so sorry for him. The whole situation makes me feel hopeless and incredibly angry.
It's just such a pressure on our family, and just draining us all. But my parents are incredibly resistant to any kind of "tough love".
So I'm trying to make some boundaries, but it's so hard because he's just so sad and pathetic. Sometimes I wish I could cut him off completely. But he's never physically hurt me, or stolen, so I guess I don't feel right about cutting him off.
Anyway thanks for listening.
My younger brother, I'll call him Steve, has been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism for the last 9 years (that I know of, could have been more). In addition, he suffers from severe depression and anxiety.
He's been to expensive "28 Day" rehabs three times (all paid for by my parents), and yet he keeps relapsing. I'm not sure in fact if he's ever been sober for more than a couple months. He is financially supported by them (he's 35), and lives at home off and on. This past Christmas we cancelled the entire holiday because he was in such bad shape, in fact he was admitted to the hospital because of early stage cirrhosis of the liver, and pancreatitis. And my father even moved in with him for a month to well, basically make sure he didn't relapse again and/die.
He calls me semi-regularly - it's always such incredible pathos. He doesn't have any friends, he's such a f--k up, he's so depressed. I'm on edge for the entire conversation because it feels like if I say the wrong thing he'll kill himself.
After this last relapse i thought he might at least have some self awareness of his problems. But now he just acts like nothing's happened, complains about his clutchy girlfriend (who incidentally nursed him through his last relapse and took care of him), and my parents (again, the ones who helped him. I'm not sure they made the right decisions, but they are generally trying to help)
So now he's calling me again. I've been getting depressed and anxious myself. I feel hopeless that he's always going to be this energy sucking vampire in my life, and at the same time I feel so sorry for him. The whole situation makes me feel hopeless and incredibly angry.
It's just such a pressure on our family, and just draining us all. But my parents are incredibly resistant to any kind of "tough love".
So I'm trying to make some boundaries, but it's so hard because he's just so sad and pathetic. Sometimes I wish I could cut him off completely. But he's never physically hurt me, or stolen, so I guess I don't feel right about cutting him off.
Anyway thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
SoberSister, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.
I think for one, your brother needs Long Term Treatment, 28 days isn't enough for him and he sounds like he's on the verge of killing himself with his drinking anyway with the liver disease and pancreatitis.
I'm curious as to what others will tell you, but have you thought of making a phone call for yourself to get you some help? Even alanon, that would be a great place to start too, you'll get tons of support from other people that are going through, have gone through the same as you.
My very best to you, it sounds like he's really given you all a good run, however, I think the constant "saving" him is actually going to end up killing him. I wonder if he even has many more chances left with his health hanging in the balance.
I think for one, your brother needs Long Term Treatment, 28 days isn't enough for him and he sounds like he's on the verge of killing himself with his drinking anyway with the liver disease and pancreatitis.
I'm curious as to what others will tell you, but have you thought of making a phone call for yourself to get you some help? Even alanon, that would be a great place to start too, you'll get tons of support from other people that are going through, have gone through the same as you.
My very best to you, it sounds like he's really given you all a good run, however, I think the constant "saving" him is actually going to end up killing him. I wonder if he even has many more chances left with his health hanging in the balance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4
Thank you for the quick replies! Yes I just started seeing a new therapist through my work health plan. And yes I suppose I could give Al Anon a try - but whenever I read about it comes across as so religious and spiritual, and I'm a pretty secular person. So I think that's why I've been stalling.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Sober, me too. When you hear people talking about God, you can always, in your mind, replace it with Buddha, or whatever spiritual thing you believe in, I believe that it comes within ourselves. Don't let that steer you away, but I get your apprehension, go to listen and even share, it may really help you. If you find you don't like one meeting, try another. They're free which is great, and hopefully someone will say something that will really help you. Meetings were great for me in the beginning, hearing everyone elses story gave me a sense of hope and faith. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the idea of Al-Anon. And it truly isn't religious--it's very clear that "God" is whatever higher power (not necessarily a deity) you can call upon for help. For some people it's the power of the group or the power of the universe. The deal is, we are NOT alone, and when you're dealing with someone else's addiction, that's how you feel: alone.
It was a HUGE relief for me to be with other people who understood exactly what I was dealing with and how I felt. No need to be "strong" or to hide the craziness around this disease.
Hope it helps you the way it did me!
It was a HUGE relief for me to be with other people who understood exactly what I was dealing with and how I felt. No need to be "strong" or to hide the craziness around this disease.
Hope it helps you the way it did me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
We have the same story. I have an A younger brother. He is now 49, and still lives with my elderly parents. For the past 20 years, I have been through the wringer with him. In and out of my parents home. Disappears at the holidays. In and out of the hospital. I have watched my parents age ahead of their time. In and out of rehab that they arrange, always left because of some problem with the facility.
I tried for years to make them see what was happening. I even hired a professional interventionist to meet with my parents and myself. We drew up a contract. But my parents always backed down. And I was constantly frustrated. They would end up angry with ME!!!! How could that be??? I was trying to save them!
It took me a long time to learn that I can't save any of them. I love my family, but I can't save them. I can only save me. My parents are huge enablers and are caught up in my brothers addiction. I had to finally tell my brother that I love him, but that as long as he chose to drink I could not be part of his life. I told him I would always pray for him. I made my parents aware of my decision. It was hard for all of us, but it was the right decision for me.
These days, I see my brother when I visit my parents house, which isn't often. I am always loving and friendly. But it doesn't go past the occasional visit. I don't ask my parents about my brother, and I don't try to advise them as to what they should do. I have accepted their choices. I do have my folks to my house, and my brother does not come up in conversation.
Read the Jan 4th entry in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It talks about loving our family without owning their issues. Also....please think about posting here under Friends and Family of Alcoholics.....lots of sage advice.
I tried for years to make them see what was happening. I even hired a professional interventionist to meet with my parents and myself. We drew up a contract. But my parents always backed down. And I was constantly frustrated. They would end up angry with ME!!!! How could that be??? I was trying to save them!
It took me a long time to learn that I can't save any of them. I love my family, but I can't save them. I can only save me. My parents are huge enablers and are caught up in my brothers addiction. I had to finally tell my brother that I love him, but that as long as he chose to drink I could not be part of his life. I told him I would always pray for him. I made my parents aware of my decision. It was hard for all of us, but it was the right decision for me.
These days, I see my brother when I visit my parents house, which isn't often. I am always loving and friendly. But it doesn't go past the occasional visit. I don't ask my parents about my brother, and I don't try to advise them as to what they should do. I have accepted their choices. I do have my folks to my house, and my brother does not come up in conversation.
Read the Jan 4th entry in The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It talks about loving our family without owning their issues. Also....please think about posting here under Friends and Family of Alcoholics.....lots of sage advice.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Originally Posted by SoberSister26 
I could give Al Anon a try - but whenever I read about it comes across as so religious and spiritual, and I'm a pretty secular person.
To start out in the programs, you need honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. These "spiritual" qualities are the types of things used in the programs--not religion.
I found a lot of good information at Secular 12 Step Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information and Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, SoberSister -
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It must be heartbreaking. I agree with what everyone's said here and with the decisions you're making. Here's the link to our Family&Friends of Alcoholics forum (I know you find lots of understanding and support there, too):
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you're here!:ghug3
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It must be heartbreaking. I agree with what everyone's said here and with the decisions you're making. Here's the link to our Family&Friends of Alcoholics forum (I know you find lots of understanding and support there, too):
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you're here!:ghug3
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