What is AA like? Not sure its for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 43
What is AA like? Not sure its for me
I am very curious about it and I do want to try it but I am afraid that I will end up in a relationship with a man. Right now I am trying to avoid relationships because I want to focus on myself. Knowing the way I am, knowing that if I dont avoid men I will end up with one... perhaps AA meetings are not the way to go for me.
I successfully quite drinking twice for a month or two using this site in the past. I did go back to drinking only because I convinced myself I didnt have a problem. Knowing full well that I do have a problem and being dedicated to staying quit... Do I have to go to AA? Im reading the Big Book, going to church, started joinging healthy alternative activities... womens floor hockey, going to the gym etc. Is this enough? Especially knowing what I am like... I just dont think a group program would be good for me in particular. Not just because of the men, but I would get too involved in other peoples lives, I tend to help others as a way of not helping myself. Cant I just attend meetings here?
I successfully quite drinking twice for a month or two using this site in the past. I did go back to drinking only because I convinced myself I didnt have a problem. Knowing full well that I do have a problem and being dedicated to staying quit... Do I have to go to AA? Im reading the Big Book, going to church, started joinging healthy alternative activities... womens floor hockey, going to the gym etc. Is this enough? Especially knowing what I am like... I just dont think a group program would be good for me in particular. Not just because of the men, but I would get too involved in other peoples lives, I tend to help others as a way of not helping myself. Cant I just attend meetings here?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, you're in luck. I happen to have a terrific article that describes What to Expect at Your First AA Meeting. It's the most accurate I've run across (and happens to have been written by a therapist, not an AA member).
The conventional wisdom for all newcomers at AA is to stick with members of your own sex. That doesn't mean you are forbidden to talk to men (lol, NOTHING is "forbidden", though drinking is STRONGLY discouraged). A former sponsor of mine used to say that men in AA will pat you on the ass, but the women in AA will SAVE your ass. That certainly doesn't mean you are likely to get groped at a meeting, but it does highlight certain wisdom. (The guys have a similar saying, that "under every skirt there's a slip.")
I do know people who have met partners in the rooms, and with enough good sobriety on both sides it can work out well. Not a good idea for the first year, for most people.
AA is lots more than the meetings. It's good you've started reading the Big Book. The first 164 pages lay out the program of recovery. Working the Steps, with the help of a sponsor (a woman who has worked them herself and has what you want and will take you through them--sort of a mentor) is what is involved in AA recovery. Once you have worked the Steps you continue to incorporate the principles in your life. That's what keeps you on the beam of happy sobriety.
I suggest you check out a few meetings. Read the article--it will take out a lot of the mystery about going.
The conventional wisdom for all newcomers at AA is to stick with members of your own sex. That doesn't mean you are forbidden to talk to men (lol, NOTHING is "forbidden", though drinking is STRONGLY discouraged). A former sponsor of mine used to say that men in AA will pat you on the ass, but the women in AA will SAVE your ass. That certainly doesn't mean you are likely to get groped at a meeting, but it does highlight certain wisdom. (The guys have a similar saying, that "under every skirt there's a slip.")
I do know people who have met partners in the rooms, and with enough good sobriety on both sides it can work out well. Not a good idea for the first year, for most people.
AA is lots more than the meetings. It's good you've started reading the Big Book. The first 164 pages lay out the program of recovery. Working the Steps, with the help of a sponsor (a woman who has worked them herself and has what you want and will take you through them--sort of a mentor) is what is involved in AA recovery. Once you have worked the Steps you continue to incorporate the principles in your life. That's what keeps you on the beam of happy sobriety.
I suggest you check out a few meetings. Read the article--it will take out a lot of the mystery about going.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Yes, there are women's meetings available and it's a great idea.
Also, the idea of getting into a relationship just because you're around men is your choice alone. Whether you're at a bowling tournament, book club or an AA meeting, whether or not a relationship happens is your call. AA is not a dating service. It's for those of us who need to hear the message of hope and to help each other. It's about talking about a common solution to a common problem.
What you're doing already is a good start - but working the steps with a sponsor is where the real freedom comes from.
The only phone numbers you should be getting are from sober women who you can talk to about recovery.
Cheers
Also, the idea of getting into a relationship just because you're around men is your choice alone. Whether you're at a bowling tournament, book club or an AA meeting, whether or not a relationship happens is your call. AA is not a dating service. It's for those of us who need to hear the message of hope and to help each other. It's about talking about a common solution to a common problem.
What you're doing already is a good start - but working the steps with a sponsor is where the real freedom comes from.
The only phone numbers you should be getting are from sober women who you can talk to about recovery.
Cheers
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Going to AA is a personal choice for everyone. I did go to meetings at first, then stopped for awhile when I was in daytox and now I am back again. The thing I like is that where I live there are many meetings going on morining, noon and night so if I was having a bad day, there is somewhere I can go just to be with people. I didn't have to talk, but listening did help.
There are women meetings, men meetings, step meetings, blue book meetings. I've never run into anyone wanting to date me, but I wouldn't hesitate to tell them not happening. My advice is not to date anyone that is in group with you. They are there because they have their own baggage, you don't need to take on theirs while you are trying to deal with yours.
Every meeting is different. I've been to big ones and little ones. I've been the only women in the room at some of them! If I go to a meeting and I don't like the dynamics or am not comfortable I'll find another one to attend. I think a person needs to feel safe at the meetings and if I don't I won't go to that particular one again.
Do what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
There are women meetings, men meetings, step meetings, blue book meetings. I've never run into anyone wanting to date me, but I wouldn't hesitate to tell them not happening. My advice is not to date anyone that is in group with you. They are there because they have their own baggage, you don't need to take on theirs while you are trying to deal with yours.
Every meeting is different. I've been to big ones and little ones. I've been the only women in the room at some of them! If I go to a meeting and I don't like the dynamics or am not comfortable I'll find another one to attend. I think a person needs to feel safe at the meetings and if I don't I won't go to that particular one again.
Do what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, Paul suggested something I forgot to--women's meetings! I tend to like the mixed meetings better, but that's just me. If you feel like you might be vulnerable, though, in mixed meetings, definitely check out the women's meetings.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
There is no single answer as to the best way to get sober.
As you look around here, you will read lots of different stories and different approaches to recovery. I think that your motivation is the most important thing, rather than the specific program. I have relied on SR as my lifeline for many years.
As you look around here, you will read lots of different stories and different approaches to recovery. I think that your motivation is the most important thing, rather than the specific program. I have relied on SR as my lifeline for many years.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
By all means, go to an all women AA meeting. They'll know exactly what you're struggling with. And avail yourself of all the resources here on Sober Recovery. I haven't looked into all of them, but there may be some online thing that will help you if you can't get to an in person meeting.
It's ironic because another person here on SR has become attracted to someone in her support group. Now is not the time to embark on a romantic relationship. Period.
Helping others as a way of avoiding helping yourself. Oh boy, I've got a T-shirt for that. If I could follow my own advice I would be golden.
But whackadoodle relationships are no temptation for me. Thank God. I err on the side of caution and it's served me well.
I used to work with a woman who went from one abusive relationship to the next. It pained me to witness it because I was attracted to her, but she wasn't interested because I wasn't "dynamic" enough. She gravitated towards men who hit her in the face.
That's not a blanket statement. Just anecdotal. Make of it what you will.
It's ironic because another person here on SR has become attracted to someone in her support group. Now is not the time to embark on a romantic relationship. Period.
Helping others as a way of avoiding helping yourself. Oh boy, I've got a T-shirt for that. If I could follow my own advice I would be golden.
But whackadoodle relationships are no temptation for me. Thank God. I err on the side of caution and it's served me well.
I used to work with a woman who went from one abusive relationship to the next. It pained me to witness it because I was attracted to her, but she wasn't interested because I wasn't "dynamic" enough. She gravitated towards men who hit her in the face.
That's not a blanket statement. Just anecdotal. Make of it what you will.
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Originally Posted by Zebra1275 
All of the guys I know in AA don't go to meetings to pick up women. I'm sure there are a few who do, but most of us are too busy trying to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 63
AA was not for me. I don't like speaking in front of a room; I tired quickly of hearing the same old war stories from the same old people every meeting; and lastly - because someone I know who also attended - told all of our mutual friends I was going to AA. Everyone is different. AA has worked for millions. But it just wasn't what I needed or wanted.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I did go back to drinking only because I convinced myself I didnt have a problem.
funny thing, that.
the first thing we do when we decide we don't have a problem is drink again. wouldn't occur to the person who really doesn't have a problem.
funny thing, that.
the first thing we do when we decide we don't have a problem is drink again. wouldn't occur to the person who really doesn't have a problem.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Part of step one is "being convinced", attending will help you remain convinced. People will talk about why what they went through while drinking convinced them, and they do that primarily to help those who are new and confused lose their reservations about being convinced.
Talking about their drinking experience helps new people identify their own problem, something that rarely happens outside of AA. It's hard to believe you aren't alcoholic when you heard someone tell your story the evening before.
Talking about their drinking experience helps new people identify their own problem, something that rarely happens outside of AA. It's hard to believe you aren't alcoholic when you heard someone tell your story the evening before.
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