GuideMe

Did I realize how bad and how much I have hurt my family. While I knew their pain from my view point (which only molds and twist reality to my vantage), it wasn't until I read 75% of your post, did it truly sink in. You see, I am the addict that has continued to devastate, manipulate, lie, and steal to feed my demons, at the cost of the woman and daughter who are more dear to me than life itself. But, please notice I did not use the word love, as I have now learned from your experiences that I am incapable of love. I do not love myself, because I use, so how could I ever love anyone else. I am numb, detached, selfish, and everything that is unworthy of love. And as I write this the tears are dropping from my face due to the acceptance of this fact. I just wanted to say thank you all for opening my eyes to the true pain that I am, that I cause...Lord I am lost, Guide me

Lily1918

thank you for sharing your experience with us. it really does mean a lot.

LoveMeNow

The Lord upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.

Psalm 145:14,18

YearForMe

It looks like you are having a moment of clarity.

You can stop the insanity anytime.....by seeking help.

At the center of all of the loved ones pain...they really only want their addict to get well.

I wish you love.

GuideMe

Clarity. Yes. I just went to my first na meeting a half hour ago dope sick as all can be. I am doing this for myself. No one else.

All of you deserve nothing but happiness and love.

I now know the only way to give that to my family is by leaving. If I succeed in getting through this and staying clean, I give credit to all of you who opened my eyes. You are a special group. I wish you all the best.

LoveMeNow

Awesome!! Good for YOU!! Wishing you the best!

P.S. No "ifs" - you can do this!!

rsk

I wish you the best on your journey. Thank you for also opening our eyes, to your world. Your loved ones will recognize the hard work and energy you put forth into your recovery. Take care and never lose faith in yourself.
-RSK

Lily1918

best wishes and godspeed to you!

zoso77

GuideMe...

I wanted to respond to your post and share with you what I've learned during the course of my adventures, both good and bad.

The most important treasures we have in this life are love and respect; the love and respect that we have for ourselves, and the love and respect we are able to share and exchange with those who matter most to us. And my hope for you is you're at the beginning of a long journey where you begin to love and respect yourself.

I was never a religious person before finding and seeking my own recovery. But I've turned into a person of deep faith, and I've come to believe that God's got His own plans for each and every one of us. It may not be something we want, but I trust you understand that the things we may want may not be what's best for us.

Turn to Him. Freely. He's there. Trust me...He's there.

God Bless You. Do what you need to do.

ZoSo

constantlylearn

Guideme,

It's up to you now. You can choose to stop the pain, lies, and drama.

You are already here seeking, you can do it.

Praying for you tonight.

Lara

Guideme thank you for sharing with us 'on the other side'. You have taken the first, huge, gigantic step - that of recognition. I can't imagine the challenges you face with your addiction. I have an inkling of an idea - my dad (whom I loved and adored) was an alcoholic... and my H (not my husband) but someone very very dear to me the past 10 years or so is battling with cocaine addiction. It is completely heart destroying. Only with the support of this forum have I begun to look after myself. To heal a little. To go no contact with H.
But from my point of view (as the chid of an alcoholic who loved her father more than life itself) and as a grown woman who loves H with everything.... that we pray for your recovery. If it means leaving your family while you recover - to sort yourself out - then do it. But completely trust in God. He is there for you. And completely believe in forgiveness - and believe in YOUR power - and for some reason your journed on this planet included experience with addiction. But now, perhaps, God willing, you are tired of this journey with addiction - time to toss it away - time to begin a new chapter... and over time, God will heal you - and all the pain and hurt with your family.... trust in this....... God bless you.

GuideMe

I have to be at work in an hour for a 14 hour day and I am about 48/h into detox. Two hours of sleep and crying all night. That meeting last night really helped. My heart aches for all of you. I guess in a way I am trying to do right by all of you.

What's crazy is I have been recognizing my manipulative ways all day. I have only been able to do that after reading all your post.

I do believe in God. I find God every time I do this. I need to forgive myself soon or I am going to loose it.

The scariest part of all of this is I have lost my lady. A year ago she would be routing me on with love and support. Now, I'm lucky if she even talks to me. She said this time it's up to me, only me. No support from her. That is what makes me the saddest. I have lost what I thought I loved.

constantlylearn

Good luck on your shift! Detoxing while working would be rough but itll keep you busy...which is good.

You're on the path, you may not have your lady's support directly anymore but that might be just what you need! Prove to yourself that you can do this - do it for you and it'll be so worth it. You're worth it.

We're rooting for you. Good luck and God speed.

Change4good

You are still living and breathing, so it is NEVER to late. I ditto what others have said.

coraltint

rooting you on with love & support didn't work, right? she's trying something different, in hopes that maybe it will work this time. I don't know either of you, but I'd be willing to bet that she still cares....she's just learning from the attempts that don't work.

good luck...keep coming around here

Lara

I can't speak on behalf of your lady - but perhaps she realises that NOTHING she does and or the love in the world will not stop your addiction. Maybe she has detached. Maybe she realises the only person on earth who can help you is YOU. Maybe she loves you more than you will ever realise- and this is why she has let you go. Maybe she will come back to you. Just focus on you and your health.... only God knows what the future holds. But don't give up. If you truly love her, then do this for YOURSELF!! Give her the respect and distance of your recovery. And then who knows what will happen after a few months recovery under your belt. Never ever give up in what you believe in - if of course it doesn't cause even more pain for your loved one.... if she has really moved on, met someone else, is happy - then you need to let her go....

anond

GuideMe, sometimes loving from afar is a more supportive love. Your lady friend has done the right thing to truly help you get well.

PS: We all have different higher powers. If the words here bring you strength and hope, the group could very well be your's at least for now.

You can do this!

GuideMe

This is an uphill battle as we know. Work has been agonizing. I'm loosing it this very second. Help me.

mstrust

eyes on the prize, guideme... it's NEVER going to be easy. but it IS possible. you can do this. you CAN. your honesty is inspiring and your desire and commitment to heal are admirable. you CAN do it...

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Guide Me, I am thanking God and sending my support via a prayer for you to continue and push through the detox.