jojo

I've reached the point where I really do feel it is best to leave my AH. His relapses are coming closer together and his is becoming more and more verbally abusive with some push and grabbing. I no longer feel that I am safe emotionally or physically as long as he is drinking. I have been advised by my doctor that she even feels that it is time for me to go because of the effect the stress is having on my health.

So - how do you actually do this? I am able to look at him as a sick man and I feel so sad for him but I can't help him. I just can't seem to figure out how to do this without hurting him badly. I am afraid for his life if I leave. I know in my head that he will either stop and take of himself or he won't whether I am here or not but that doesn't stop me from feeling sad and brokenhearted.

I am planning on moving in with my daughter and her family in another state for the time being. I want to take half of our belongings with me so that I am eventually able to set up in a place of my own and will not be able to afford to do that without taking this stuff with me. How do you do the packing and loading with them right there? He won't leave and frankly, he doesn't have any place else to go and neither do I. Any suggestions on keeping the lid on while I go about leaving him and taking half the possessions? Boy, was that a stupid question!!!!!!! I guess I'll just have to remain as calm as possible and try not to react to him. The real question is -how do you harden your heart to actually go through with this? How can you look at the pain in their face and just go ahead and leave?

I would be so grateful for any suggestions or things that have worked for any of you.

Thanks, Jo

Gabe

(((((JoJo)))))
This is such a hard thing to do. But you're doing what's best for you, and that is what's important. Can you get anyone to help you with this? Maybe with one or two other people around, he will be less likely to get ugly about it.
As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace,
Gabe

amarie

Oh my God, jo I'm so sorry for your pain. You have to know that the pushing and grabbing is abuse and you need to be safe. I would suggest having a family member or friend help you pack. It's the hardest thing you are every going to have to do. Ask you HP for the strength and guidence to get you through this. I am in the same situation but i can't leave until our lease is up in March of 2005. My AH said that if I go now, I will still have to pay 1/2 of the rent. There's no way I can do that and pay for a place of my own. Please don't let guilt stand in your way. YOU have nothing to be guilty about. He needs to be accountible for his actions. You are not responsible for his behavior. He has made his choices and you have to do what's best for you. Maybe someday he will wake up, but please be careful and take care of YOU!!
Amarie

jojo

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I can call to help or be here right now. We are working on my daughter and son in law arriving Wednesday night and loading on Thursday. Until then I am on my own. Any packing will have to be done on the qt I guess.

Amarie - I too am on the lease but I am going to talk to the landlord and let him know that I am leaving for safety reasons and since my husband is the one with the income would he please let me out of the lease. Have you considered that for yourself so that you don't have to wait a year to get out if you need to go?

Hugs, Jo

Daffodil

((((JoJo)))

Gabe's suggestion is excellent one. I would add that you tell others that you are leaving.

His pain is HIS Jo, you aren't causing it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. His behavior has gotten to the point that you must keep the focus on you and your safety.

Surrounding you with love and prayers,
Daffodil

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Jojo.

I know how hard this is. I struggle with it constantly. Before me is a person that has hurt me repeatedly and deeply. One that shows no signs of compassion for me or regret for the situations he has (or has tried) to put me in. One who is stubborn in his behavior and his sense of entitlement. One that really only understands about the "take" part of relationships, and who, finding less and less to take, has gone in search of someone more fun or funded to take from. And yet it's hard to close the door on him. Probably because I still only understand about the "give" part of relationships... and that is a revelation that just occured to me while typing this. I still feel his pain, while I realize he doesn't feel mine. And maybe that's a thing I can hold onto. His sorrow is all for himself.

I had a friend that made a silent departure from a relationship a number of years ago. She made a lot of use of UPS and my address shipping out things that would not be noticed unless they were sitting around the house in packing boxes. I thought it was a little underhanded but my sympathies were with her feeling that she could not rely on her strength of will if she had to face a big scene.

Hugs,
Smoke

journeygal

Jojo,

Don't be afraid to call the cops either. Just having one around while you load your stuff should make things go a bit smoother.

Take care,
JG

Tink

Wow, SMoke I felt like I was reading about myself in your post, it really hit me. I am in agreement how he does not see anything about my hurting, or my feelings, and it is always about him. and when he makes all the promises to go to na, to work his program, to talk to his HP, is only when he has screwed up, and is trying to make me believe him one more time, once his addict is rested, the hell with him working on him, now it is time to beat me down with his cruel words and point out all of my character defects. He has gotten more verbally abusive, and a couple of times gotten out of hand. I will call the cops if it happens again, even though he threatens me that if I do he will get even with me. I agree with JG if you need to have the cops there while you load your stuff it might go a little smoother. You may not be able to get out of the lease? depending on the state you live in. Will he be staying there? maybe he should be the one to go? You have to do what you need to do to keep you safe, even if it is just a time out for a bit. Someone on the naranon board told me that anger is just one step away from danger. Only you know what is going on in your home behind closed doors. Hugs and prayers for you

sunflowergal29

I like what journeygal said- give the cops a call, that is what they are there for- to protect and serve, right? Also- you'd be surprised how fast you can actually do the packing. I once packed and moved everything I owned (couch,loveseat, cabinet tv, table and chair set, 2 beds,1crib, 3 dressers,etc) all in a matter of hours- I bought a box of black garbage bags and just stuffed everything together.
You can do this- no one said it would be easy, but it is worth it if you need to do it for your safety. You're not alone, don't ever forget it.
-sfg29

singlemom3

You are about to do what I just did mere weeks ago hun. Stay strong, he may react in a way you do not like but this is not about him anymore. It's about you and your safety. And if you believe, pray, pray and pray some more. The answers will come come and trust me, it is so worth it. I haven't felt this good in 7 years and I have only been on my own for about a month. I am off my "happy pills" and don't need them. These days I smile because I am at peace, and no one not even my ex can take that from me....not ever.

I will pray for you find the answers and for your safety.

We are all here for you. ((((((hugs))))))

prodigal

I went through the same thing you're going through. I couldn't get my possessions out of the house, so I had not choice but to go to court and get an ex parte order from the judge. Basically, it kept my husband out of the house by court order for a week. The only way I could get the order was to stand before the judge and swear I had been physically abused. The courts do not look kindly on men who rough up women nowadays.

However, if you don't have the time to spend about two hours at your local district court to get this order, and your spouse hasn't physically abused you, the best thing you can do is have as many people as possible with you when you move out. The chances are good your H won't try anything if you have witnesses with you.

I've been through this - it's tough - but you WILL make it. Buy packing materials and boxes and have them ready when you can finally move. I did it by myself with the creep right there in the house with me and he never made a move to hurt me.

You WILL get through this and get the possessions you desire out of the house. I'll say a prayer for you tonight that you be safe and have peace about our decision. Take care!