ccharlotte

Hello,

Out of fear for my husband’s life and the communities, I had to call his probation officer yesterday, which I knew would end with him being put back in jail. He was arrested yesterday at 4pm and I haven't spoken with him since. He calls our home probably 20 times today.
I haven't picked up or gone to see him because

1. I doubt he is sober yet (he took deadly amounts of prescription pills)
2. Going to visit him in jail and seeing him high, scared and behind the glass literally cuts my soul
3. I stuck by through his first arrest and jail time, rehab (6months ago) and a relapse Jan. 2 of this year. I know I need to have a line and I'm pretty sure this is it for me. I have nothing to say, I am speechless because I have said it all many times before, I've cried, begged, sat stoically numbed by the pain, and nothings had an effect on him. By not having anything to say, I feel that if I saw him and felt forced to say something, I may just loose it and start saying things I don't mean and things that would only upset him further as he sits locked up.

THAT BEING SAID...

I've heard from the one other person he is calling (his best friend) that he feels as if I set him up. I expected him to be angry with me, and feel betrayed...but it just adds to the pain as I sit here, unsure of my future, my marriage.

Has anyone gone through this? Or been the person that was angry?

I wish I could talk to a sober version of my husband, a year from now to hear if he's deep down grateful for what I've done or if the betrayal he feels is something he cannot forgive.

incitingsilence

I wouldn’t have made that call unless he actually did something like steal from me, personally. I don’t find it criminal to use or be an addict. If one commits a crime because of their addictions, yes they should face the consequences of their actions, no blaming on being an addict allowed. But this is my view.

I get why you made the call but I find the interference takes away learning even if it is done to keep them safe. And you know you might not get the outcome that you hoped for.

One more time….can equally take ones life as be what they need to finally get it together for them. We just don’t know and aren’t suppose to because it isn’t ours.

Will he stay mad, does it matter if he does? You made the choice no matter how anyone views it and you will have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Personally I would be livid because I fought for many years at one point in my life to just be left to live how I saw fit. Then I would probably use this as a great distraction and oh wow look I have someone to blame as well, then I don’t have to look at me. I never get why so many actually put themselves in positions to be blamed, why supply yourself as fuel that any addict would love to have as not to look at themselves. I wouldn‘t stay mad, I would even understand why, but I doubt I would trust again. But that is me.

All this being said, the one good thing that could come out of it all, is if you use the time he is away to work on you and find some recovery for yourself. Just because he hasn’t doesn’t mean you can’t. And you desperately need to.

Kindeyes

I can't tell you how many times I have NOT done something that I should do because I was concerned it might make someone else mad. Or how many times I've done something that I should do and then worried myself silly over ow someone else might react to it.

If we stay within our own hoola hoops and take care of our own needs in a healthy manner, we shouldn't have to worry about how someone else reacts to it. Their reaction doesn't belong to us. Just as we should be allowed to feel what we feel and deal with our own emotions, others should be allowed to do the same.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Maylie

I am a recovered heroin addict and a loved one of an addict and I would only call the police/probation officer if there were weapons, stealing, or I felt my life was in danger.

Although we don't like when our loved ones choose to continue to abuse drugs, it is not our place to try to control their actions. He is a grown man and has the option to abuse drugs if he wants to.

If I was him I wouldn't ever be able to trust someone that put me back in jail just for being addict. I could understand if I was stealing or being violent, but if someone reported me just for living my life how I choose too, that would impossible to overcome. I know that my boyfriend (who is a RA also), wouldn't ever forgive me if I did that.

Take this time to work on yourself and look at the real reason you called and reported him. Did you do it because he was a threat, or did you do it so that he couldn't use drugs and you wanted him to learn a lesson. You said yourself, you want to talk to a sober him a year from now and see if he is grateful you did this...

laurie6781

Personally I believe you did do the correct thing. You have had 3 weeks of his ongoing
relapse and all the verbal and mental abuse that entails.

His being locked back up is a consequence of HIS ACTIONS.

Let's see. Usually part of 'the rules' of probation are no associating with those that
are using drugs and alcohol. No drinking or using drugs. No associating with felons,
etc looks like he pretty much broke his probation to me.

I would suggest for your own sanity that you start some one on one counseling with
a therapist and/or some Naranon and/or Alanon meetings FOR YOU.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Remember we are walking with you in spirit (just picture the whole room filled with
us folks here at SR).

Love and hugs,

Katiekate

If he embraces sobriety, he will thank you.

SSHope

I read a post you made on another thread that said you called the police because he was driving while high. Do I have that correct? If so, then you did the right thing by calling the police. He has the right to use, but not the right to put others at risk with his behavior. If he had hurt or killed someone he would be in jail now too. Thank goodness you called and potentially stopped a tragic accident. It makes me angry to think that addicts get behind the wheel of car and drive, putting myself and those I love at risk. I know it's easy to say, because I am not in your shoes, but who cares if he is mad. You may have saved a life/lives!

LoveMeNow

I made many mistakes trying to force an outcome. At the time, many of them may have cost me more then I was able to see during all of this.

That said, my husband was very angry with me at the time. While he was in active addiction, I put myself right in the line of fire for BLAME. As he has been working on his own recovery, he understands, he feels sorry I felt so hopeless and has no anger toward me at all.

There was plenty of blame, resentments and betrayal to go around. It takes time to work those things out and sometimes they still can they can still rear there ugly little heads during the process of healing.

You did what you though was right with the knowledge you had, like many of us. The only answer/solution to your problems, is to keep working on YOU!!

zoso77

If he stays mad, he stays mad. It's that simple. We have no control over the behavior or emotions of others.

You did what you felt you needed to do based on what you knew at that given time. It is what it is.

Now focus on you, not him.

ZoSo

outtolunch

Why are you planning on visiting him? It's not like he's 8 and at sleep away camp.

He's in jail because he chose to get high and drive- an irresponsible crime. In the big picture does it matter if he's mad at you?

The longer we stick it out the more likely we expect a payback of some sort. That's a rare outcome.

Why not continue the " no contact" and take a break from the trauma of him. Use the time to figure out what you want. Consider some counseling to help you set healthy boundaries for yourself.

Lily1918

even though I have failed and enabled in many ways, I have always told the Boo and myself that I love Dr.Jeckle, but HATE Mr. Hyde. I really could care less if Hyde hates me, because I know that Jeckle would be proud. He told me its true. Hyde hates me too, even though Jeckle loves me. personally, I don't believe he was quaking when he said that.

EnglishGarden

My heart goes out to you, ccharlotte.

I was married many years ago to a man who was severely alcoholic but I did not understand alcoholism, did not realize he was an alcoholic, did not realize how much he was drinking, that he was drinking and driving with my child in his car, that he was passed out on the couch when I was away and he was the parent in charge, that he terrified his daughter by threatening to stuff her in the trunk of his car. I was unaware and uneducated and as a result unable to do the right thing. For too long. Then finally I woke up.

But, if I was today with the same kind of alcoholic doing the same kinds of alcoholic behaviors, I would feel it my moral and unequivocal responsibility to call the police every time I knew the man was drunk on the road, every time he made any physical threat toward me, a child, or anyone else, every time he was a danger to another human being.

As a wise person once said, "When we know better, we do better."

If someone is high and dangerous, we are colluding with the disease and being controlled by the disease if we do not do the right thing.

And yes. The jails are full of furious addicts. And the jails should be.

ccharlotte

Thank you for all replies, I realize that his response is irrelevant at this point because I've already made my decision and acted on it. I suppose I'm just in the extremely heartbroken stage of the realization that I cannot help my husband and that it is up to him to get clean or not to. Sounds ridiculous and covered in codependency but it was my life. I have maintained the no contact, and am working on healing and grieving the loss of my partner.

Lily1918

prayers and hugs. no contact is so hard.