Left

Hi, why do I feel rubbish everyday recently. I had detached from xw for a long time, wheni suspected she was an alcoholic, she has recently been in rehab and said she was an alcoholic but since then says she's now cured as she has no alcohol in her system and isn't drinking. She is about 6 weeks dry but I don't think she has been to her meetings having done 1 in that time. No one inher family thinks she has a problem and is attention seeking but her true friends can see it.

I am so trying to detach again, but as a parent I also worry about our children when she has them, I know I need to focus on me and keep me level headed and straight it's very hard. The children are young so aren't aware of the issue but it will grow more if there is a relapse. My concern is that I won't be made aware if she does, or would it be obvious? Or will people tell me?

Thanks for reading and any advice will be greatly received

Will

Seren

Hi Will,

I moved your post from 'Daily Gratitude' to 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' so that you would have more folks reading and replying.

I'm sorry you have been through so much, and know that you worry about the children while they are with her. It is like waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, right?

Sadly, I think as long as she is not actively drinking then you may not be able to keep the children from her. She may relapse, she may not. Maybe just keep a very close eye on the situation with her and be prepared to act if and when necessary to protect your children.

You, your children, and you ex will be in my prayers!

PippiLngstockng

Hi,
I am sorry you are in this situation.
I have an AH and 4 children - ages 6 to 15. I can't know if my stbxah is actively drinking for sure. But he has been threatening to me with the children around and driving under the influence with children in the car.

I have consulted with my lawyer, children's therapist and domestic violence advocate. They all express different opinions about whether to allow unsupervised visits or not. It is very frustrating.

Finally, I have to trust my gut. I am not allowing unsupervised visits except in day time public places for defined periods of time. No overnights. If he wants otherwise he can call protective services here ask for an evaluation/ investigation.

Try to identify what you are worried will happen and why. Make a list of events if there are any regarding things AW has done that cause you concern for the children. Then find a specialist in children's therapy/family addiction and express your concerns. This will help you feel less alone and help put you in a responsible position.
Ÿ
The problem with an alcoholic, at least the one I know, is not knowing what shape he is in and what crazy thing is going to happen next. In the meantime, the children need to see you protecting them. Don't wait for something bad to happen. Be proactive.

All my best to you. And courage!

redatlanta

She may be able to stay sober without actively pursuing recovery through a 12 step or another program - some do. They are few. And they aren't usually recovered just "dry drunks" - sober but still having the characteristics of actively drinking alcoholics.

How will know if she is relapsed? You may not for a while IF she does. Depends on how sneaky she is. Typically things just start not adding up. Behavior changes and it can be very subtle. My RAH relapse began with him saying that he thought he could be a social drinker. First red flag which I paid little attention to. next was finding a receipt for a purchase of vodka which he also played off as something else. Next was thinking I smelled (slight) alcohol on his breath co-mingled with minty mouthwash. Next was finding mixers in the house which were shoved in the back of a cabinet. Next was behavioral changes like he was buzzed which were also denied. Then frequent trips during the night back and forth to the bedroom while progressively appearing to get drunker which was denied. Adamantly demanding to know exactly what time I would be getting home from work everyday. Insisting I call him on my way home very out of the ordinary behavior.

Eventually he got tired of hiding it and told me so he could drink out in the open.

But you get the picture. "More will be revealed" is such a great saying on here. The above took place over a 5 month period. It started out imperceptible to me, it progressed, it became so blindingly obvious the denial was laughable.

Left

Thanks so much for the advice, it all seems so simple and logical, yet we don't think logically do we. I will keep an eye out and will definitely look for children's therapist may stop my mind racing!

EnglishGarden

Children of alcoholics generally act to protect the drinker and rarely tell the other parent what is happening, whether or not they are afraid, etc. Some children simply deny there is anything wrong by shutting it out of their minds when the alcoholic parent is behaving strangely or--and this is even worse--has said something which devastated the child. And sometimes they carry the memory of the bad experience but are unwilling to share anything which might upset the other adults in their lives. And this is a pattern that can continue until they leave for college.

I agree with your idea about finding a therapist for the children. I think all children of alcoholics need therapy.( My son was 7 when I found a counselor for him. ) But I think especially when an alcoholic mother who has only DETOXED and is not by a long shot yet in successful stable sobriety, and who is keeping the children solo, absolutely an outside professional should be seeing the children to gather information as to whether or not they are safe or afraid or confused. Even if she stays dry, their mother is going to have mood swings all over the place, and that alone can unsettle your children. A professional children's therapist will know how to find out how they really are doing.

amooseoncebitmysister

A family counselor at one of my AH's rehab stints said "It will become obvious when they are relapsing because it will spiral out of control quickly." Here at SR, I've seen "More will be revealed."

I know both of these statements to be true, and I think you will too if she relapses.

Great idea to find a therapist for your children.