AtATotalLoss

OK. So I have decided to start this journey in earnest.
I have struggled with weight my whole life. I actually do identify with a lot of the benchmarks of addiction because that has been my relationship with food forever. Eating, guilt, eating more to kill the guilt, getting more guilt. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Several years ago, I managed to drop 117 lbs, but I then started sleeping around and doing a whole bunch of other behaviors that I am not proud of. I have since gained about 60 lbs back, and though I am not precisely happy with my body, I feel more peaceful in my soul than I think I ever have been. My AM is a tiny and very attractive woman when she isn't loaded. She was "so proud" of me when I had gotten a lot skinnier, but took a lot of the credit (I lived with her at the time) and spent a lot of time telling me how ashamed she was of me when I was younger and very heavy. In her mind, this constituted freedom for "us" to "discuss" my weight. While I concede that food/alcohol/sex/drugs etc are all flip sides of the same addiction coin, the major difference with a food addiction is that you can't not eat - you can abstain from the other things, but not food. Plus, a food addiction is not something that can be hidden behind a pretty face and closed doors. Mom has never understood this distinction, and I am growing very weary of her constantly comparing her raging alcoholism and my weight issue. I have told her (a week ago today) that if she continues to drink, I will not allow her to be a part of my life. Not bargaining - I am fully prepared to cut contact with her if it comes to that. But now, and for a long time before now, truth be told, I have had to endure endless barrages of her telling me all about how "disgusting" I am because I am "fat" and that I have no right to talk about her when I "deny" my own flaws whenever the conversation turns to her bad behaviors. I don't deny my issues. I fully appreciate that I have work to do and I accept responsibility for where I am at. I also know that when I am ready, I will tackle the weight issue. Did it once before and I know I will again.
I had a relationship with my dad growing up. But he is a very emotionally and mentally abusive person and I finally cut him out of my life 8 years ago. Longer story there than I am willing to go into, but I realized last June that I have actually managed to reach peace with him. We do not have a relationship, but I just woke up one morning and all the anger and resentment I held against him was just gone.
I got engaged in September. My ring is a way bigger size than I want it to be and I don't want to look like I do right now for my wedding - working on it, but my AM has been saying constant awful things about my weight ever since. I am tired of her constant negativity and feel like a total wanker that some sick part of me still wants her approval. Even though her approval comes with a way higher emotional cost than I am willing to pay anymore.
I guess I am just wondering how I can go about counter-acting all of the shite I have heard from both my parents about what a disappointment I am. I know full well how my parents are, but I have just recently opened my eyes to the fact that my mom has maybe been worse and done more damage to my psyche than my dad ever did. And at the risk of sounding like a child - it isn't fair!! I chose for years not to examine my mom's behavior too closely because I needed one parent that "loved" me, but I'm thinking now that maybe mom has been too sick for a long time to actually love anyone. She has used me and asked me to shoulder burdens and responsibilities that I can now see were wholly inappropriate and never should have been placed on me. How do I come to grips with all this? And where now? Mom did do her first AA meeting ever today and I am proud of her for going but I am reserving judgement for the moment.
I am hoping with this journey into my own recovery to finally be able to start loving myself and being happy with who I am. But I am scared.

tromboneliness

Mom will always throw this at you -- alkies will do anything to deflect attention from the real problem (theirs). There's basically nothing you can do to make her face up to her alcoholism -- which is good, because it means you can stop trying!

Meanwhile, I'm not judgin', but I'm just sayin' that being overweight isn't even necessarily a problem. Studies have come out lately showing that a fair amount what we consider "obesity" does not decrease your life span or result in increased health care costs. Sure, everyone shouldn't look like Haystacks Calhoun. But carrying some extra weight around is not, in itself, much of a problem, when you look at the actual statistics instead of listening to people who call you "disgusting!"

T

Intrepid

AtATotalLoss,
Thanks for sharing your story. I could feel the sting in much of what you described because it reminded me of my own mother. Like you, I don't have a father. My father was a raging alcoholic / addict until he sustained a severe brain injury in an accident. After that, he started another family and I have only seen him briefly a handful of times. When neither parent provides the love and approval that we crave, it leaves a person feeling pretty worthless.

I understand what you are saying about wanting parental approval. Children, even once we become adults, will put up with an awful lot of bad treatment from our parents because of that craving for their approval. Eventually I came to a place where I realized that my mom is not capable of giving me love or approval, and that it's something I need to seek within myself. The void left by my parents has never gone away, but I've learned to live with it better and not let it eat away at me or fuel self-destructive behaviors.

I want to second what tromboneliness said about weight. I was having the same thoughts...that being overweight is not a big deal. You need to find a weight that you feel good about, and that you are able to comfortably sustain without having to be obsessive about food and/or exercise. It sounds like you have an excessive amount of shame tied into your weight. I have known many people who would be considered overweight, but who are happy with themselves, and who look fabulous. BTW, congratulations on your engagement! I hope he treats you like a queen!

You asked about how to counteract all the negative messages that your parents have instilled in you throughout your life. That is something that I struggle with daily, but I will share what has helped me move in the right direction, however gradually. First, you have to realize that you matter and are just as important and deserving of good things in life as every other human being. Just sit and think about it for awhile, because it can be pretty awe inspiring. Think about people who are considered great - like Einstein, or celebrities, or Mother Teresa. You matter just as much as them! I am not sure about your religious beliefs, so I won't go too much in that direction, but if you believe in God, think about yourself as God's creation, and how precious that is. If God created a person and put him / her right in front of you to take care of, how would you go about this? Well, this is what God has done, and that person is YOU. How do you think God wants you to care for such a precious creation?

There is a Buddhist mediation, which has nothing really to do with religion, but more to do with becoming a kinder and more compassionate person, especially toward yourself. It is called lovingkindness, and you can start out by spending a few minutes at a time, several times every day. Just pause, focus on a time when you have felt loved or when a person has been especially kind to you. Focus in on that feeling, and hold it in your heart. While you are holding this beautiful feeling, think or say to yourself "may I be happy, may I be peaceful, may my heart be filled with loving kindness." Doing this over and over has had a pretty big impact on me over time. It's subtle, but I find myself more peaceful overall, and that is a beautiful thing. Once you develop this habit, you can increase your meditation to include people you love, people you feel neutral about, people you despise, and all living beings.

Another helpful thing to do is to learn about thought distortions. You can do a search for this and read about it on the internet. The idea is that you catch your negative thoughts (and the emotions that they lead to), which are often inaccurate, and go through a process of reframing them. Ideally, you can keep a journal or log of this, and hopefully get into the habit of gaining more awareness of these destructive thought patterns. There are a lot of web sites that can explain it better than I can. I tried posting a couple of links, but was notified that I haven't posted enough to qualify for including links in my posts. If you do a search for thought distortions or cognitive distortions, and then a search for thought log or cbt thought log, you will find a lot of helpful information in this area.

There are also probably a lot of useful resources on this topic here on the forum - books, ACoA writings, etc. I am just now delving into this aspect of my dysfunctional upbringing, so I can't say much about it yet.

Good luck to you my dear!

AtATotalLoss

I will try the meditation for sure. I am a spiritual person, but have trouble with "putting it in God's hands". I recognize that as a control issue But to me, it is one more way of dodging accountability. I am working and striving right now to not take accountability for other's feelings or actions. This is a VERY new role for me, but thus far I have found it to be incredibly freeing. Am still working, but aren't we all a work in progress!!
And yes, the weight issue will resolve. I am not concerned with how much I weigh, rather with being at peace with myself and being able to be kind to me again. For the first time in a loooooooong time, I actually feel like I can find that.
And yes, intrepid - my fiance is a keeper He loves me and he is so very supportive of me. Still have days where I almost can't believe that he does, but thankfully those days are getting fewer and I am actually hitting a point where I trust him with all that I am, the good and the bad. He hasn't let me down yet!!
And thank you - so nice to know that I am not a total freak with all these crazy thoughts in my brain right now...

Kialua

You (we) have developed coping mechanisms that worked for the time you needed them. You are now seeing that these same mechanisms are no longer satisfying and you are looking for other ways to define what happened and then to grow. Letting go is one of the new mechanisms you will find, I don't know how long it will take or what shape it will take. Keep at it


I'm glad you have found a keeper in your fiance. Hopefully things will work out wonderfully with him and they probably will but don't think that he will never let you down. As you grow you will see that he will indeed let you down, he is only human. You probably know that it's important to depend on yourself and find your emotional well being within yourself. And being here is a major step in a good direction!

AtATotalLoss

Thanks Kia - wise words. Don't worry though - I have zero expectations of perfection - we are all flawed. When I say he hasn't let me down, I mean more in the respect that he allows me to be human and to work through my emotions. And he doesn't expect me to be perfect either, which is such a relief after so many years of trying to be and getting blasted when I acted like a human and didn't be perfect. We have disagreements and I know we shall have many more in our life together, but he is a safe person.

AtATotalLoss

Too - learning to trust anyone in my life has been very difficult. I have almost been too self sufficient and held things together too much, if that makes sense. I had to - I was "the rock" in my family and never had the luxury of being able to fall apart a bit. We've been together for two years and I have very s-l-o-w-l-y been learning to let my guard down and let others in. That is good too, because being dependent on yourself can sometimes be a bad thing. It makes one unwilling or unable to actually ask for help, and lord knows we all need help from time to time! And in learning to be more open, I have been able to be a lot more honest with myself and my situation and to start caring less if people think I am what I "should" be. I think those are all positive things.

LindaLiLi

My mother always made it very clear what a disappointment I was. Then one day, when i was about 50, it hit me: She's always been a disappointment to me too.

I might have been a disappointing child, but she was equally a disappointing mother.

Next time she mentioned what was wrong with me, I told her exactly that: I might be a disappointment as far as daughters go, but she's a disappointment as well as far as mothers go.

It stopped her cold (she's not an alcoholic--just perfect, never wrong, and has the most amazing ability to read people's minds and know what's going on in their lives and psychoanalyze them thousands of miles away even though nobody tells her anything). She stared at me, blinked and her face was a study in rage. Within a couple months were became totally estranged with no contact at all.

How dare I consider the most perfect omniscience creature on god's earth 'disappointing'.

The funny thing is, I'd never considered that SHE was disappointing, always had focused on how she considered me disappointing. But now I'm looking at it differently--SHE's the disappointment to ME, and to ME that matters, or should matter more than me being a disappointment to her. I in my own life matter more. My opinions matter more to me than hers--and that's how it should be.

It's hard to explain, but a shift happened and I felt more at ease; and suddenly lost the 'need' to have her see me my way--or even to have her acknowledge that I saw her as inadequate in someway. She knows now that I find her disappointing even for all her profound wisdom and perfection (she's the ultimate codependent 'nice' girl, probably eternally trying to please her unpleasable parents, or something like that); and there's nothing she can say about that. (Well, she's now telling people I'm mentally ill, sad, depressed and lonely--all untrue, but....shrug...). She knows I have her number and she ran away and is happy for the estrangement. I doubt she'll ever be able to look at me again without seeing her own disappointment in herself.

Oddly enough though, something changed in me. I don't care that I'm a disappointment. I suddenly realized I cannot be as much of a disappointment to her as she is to herself--altho she'll never admit she in her perfection disappoints herself. And I realize I am not as disappointed in myself as I am in her.

Your situation is different because your mother is an alcoholic and she will never admit to herself what a disappointment she is to herself. That addiction protects itself. But you can focus on what a disappointment she was as a mother---and focus on all the people who AREN'T disappointed in you, like your fiance. And you can stop trying to win her approval (impossible), and win your own approval, and the approval of people who aren't disappointing to you. Have you ever been ashamed of her? Do you think she finds herself disgusting when she wakes up in her own urine or is barfing up her liquor?

Focus on them and yourself.

I don't know if this helps, we all have different struggles, but for me acknowledging that SHE was a disappointment was reality shifting. Maybe it could help you.

EveningRose

It's amazing coming here and how many people's posts resonate so strongly with my own experience. This is exactly what happened with me--an instantaneous realization, after YEARS of my AF informing me in various ways that he 'didn't like me,' it suddenly dawning on me, "Know what? I don't actually LIKE him or my siblings much, either!" I'd always hung around with them because they were family, overlooked and forgiven their quirks because they were family. I'd never considered that I could have an opinion on liking or not, and the last, final time he informed me he didn't like me, the floodgates opened. I just stared at him thinking, "It's never ever occured to you that maybe the rest of you aren't so likeable to ME, either." The arrogance stunned me.

And suddenly, I no longer cared what he thought. Suddenly, I could make my own choices about who I liked and wanted to be with.

Intrepid

I read this when you first posted it, and it still keeps popping into my head. It's amazing how our parents or other family members can be so critical and evaluative of us - putting us down, expressing disapproval, etc. Then they are shocked when the tables are turned. It's as if they have never once stopped to consider themselves and their behavior. The way you describe your mom reminded me of my mom. She truly thinks she is perfect and better than everyone else. Somewhere deep inside she must know the truth, but it's too painful to face. The closest my mother ever came to admitting any fault was when I backed her into a corner with her lies. She finally said that she can't say anything, because if she tells me what she thinks I want to hear, then she's a liar, but if she tells the truth, then she is an unfit mother / grandmother. I was excited about this insight and encouraged her to tell the truth. I told her that it was the first step toward healing and repairing our relationship. I promised her that I wasn't there to punish her, but that I just wanted to have an honest discussion about things that had happened. Well, that's where it ended. That was the closest my mom ever came to breaking down her facade of perfection.

Arrogance is a great word here. It's as if they always thought it would be a one way street; as if they are immune from criticism. When I first confronted my mom about her abuse and other bad behavior, she was genuinely shocked. She spent years telling me that I had "traumatized" her with this confrontation. She was able to guilt me into silence and compliance for many years after that initial confrontation, but then one day it truly was like a light had been switched on and I no longer cared about preserving or protecting her feelings or her false reality. Life has made a lot more sense ever since that day.

MMkM

This thread is helpful because so true when you examine the dysfunctional family.

I am now on a few years of less then finally no contact with my family. Recently the stepmother tried to contact me but I have been to an attorney and am ready to take civil/criminal steps to stop her. My sisters: no contact now for years.
My Dad: none for years and my Mom had passed away years ago (alcoholic but died from a wrongful death).

It really does take time away from them to realize how dysfunctional the whole family was. Read the stickies on the roles played by the dysfunctional family. There is not much true love (we never had dinner together at the table like a real family does) but there is a lot of loyalty.

Many are surprised, me, the helper/scapegoat, just said bye, got rid of ways for them to reach me and now with a lawyer is ready take legal action to make sure it stays that way.

After you finally have some peace about it you really remember things (such as our OP) that were not quit right...

Fighting and yelling parents doing so in front of the small kids where we would have to go hide in rooms and closets.

Snide remarks from my Dad about my complexion or unpopularity (my Mom was too nice to do that).

My sister read a book with curse words in them and decided to use them on me while I had friends over.

That same sister now has a rage problem in realtionships. The other has gained a lot of weight (eating was a coping skill in our family). Good point - agree some overweight such as 30 pounds is not a problem but my sis weighs over 300 pounds and is middle age and had no intention of stopping the binging.

We had no bond in family talks, dinners together, going on outings together, - we were not a family. My Mom did her best to be there always when we were kids - having dinner with us (uh where's dad?), always being nice to us and taking us places.

At that time we had a narcissitic Dad with a big ego dating other women when out of town.

After we were fully grown and his affairs were more open did my mother start drinking.

Now my family has spread to the four corners of the earth and I don't even know or care where they are.

And my father has no visits from his children at all for years (maybe a grandkid will visit him and a rare visit from a sister).

And you do feel so much better with all dysfunction out of your life - you learn to recognize it in any relationship and are ready to name it and drop it with friends or neighbors.

Have joined a Church and will have a church family. And would love to volunteer on some projects such as Habitat or some repairs on homes. Also now a involved with a sport.

Now have nondysfunctional relationships in a productive setting - that is far better then being helpful in a dysfunctional relationship - I will only work through a group that does this and not on my own - the helped will not know how to reach me for more 'favors'.

And, naturally dogs, have never personally experienced a dysfunctional relationship or even unpleasant one with pets; of all the pets we had they were loyal, helpful, and protective.

Yes, years of no contact reveal a lot and it feels great to name it out and say get lost - it took a lot of strian and was very depressed at times over this but finally am just disgusted it took me so long to do.

Hopefully our stories on how we got out of the situation and how glad we are will help others.