Sadconfused

I have made great strides in the last week or so. I've been hanging ouy with my best friend again after barely speaking to her for 2 yrs, I have a job interview this afternoon (not that great of a job but it gives me a lot of flexibility with the kid and its money), I am working on downgrading my car to something I cam afforrd on my own, and I've basically been coming and going as i please and doing what I want. I pretty much have dettached from abf, hr plays his game and drinks.

I was so happy last night, i had a good day with my friend and the kid. He passed out on the couch without a peep to me. It was nice but now I am filled with a ton of anxiety. I feel like I am lying to abf, he has no idea of my plans for the next few months which is to leave him and probably my father as well. I thought about giving him the ole you have until xyz to get your sh*t straight but there is no point, he will either ignore it or pretend to care long enough to pull me back in and then we would start over. Quite honestly, i dont care what he does anymore, i love him probably always will but i want to be alone and on my own. For the first time in forever I have felt a tiny little bit like my old self, independent and free of all their burdens. So how come I feel so guilty, how come I feel bad for him still? I know the min I go to end it, it is all going to be my fault and blah blah blah. I dunno i am having a hard time getting my feelings out in words. Some one please remind me I am doing the right thing for me and my daughter regardless of what it does to him.

Florence

You're doing the right thing. He's grown, he can live his life how he wants. You don't have to keep you and your daughter around to see how that goes. You get to live your life too.

xx

Sadconfused

Thanks, im just having a hard time following through. I know what I need to do and I want what I think will be the outcome but every other oz of me is screaming run back to whats comfortable.

dollydo

Of coarse you are doing the right thing, no doubt in my mind about it. Where exactly is the quality of life for you and your daughter coming home to someone passed out on the couch?

If you don't move forward for you, do it for your daughter, set a good example for her, you are her voice, her future.

Recovering2

I think any time we make big changes in our lives there is some anxiety associated with those changes. That's normal. Even good changes. This is a good change for you. Don't pay too much attention to the anxiety. Know that in the end this is a change for the better and push forward. Your bf will figure out his own life.....or he won't. But that's not your issue, you have no control over it. You can only take care of you and your daughter. She will thank you some day.

MsPINKAcres

"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

I typed this up and posted it on my desk at work so I could read it often - I also added the words "what someone else may THINK of me" so that I could remind myself that it was between me & my HP as to what was the best for my life!

Follow your inner guidance and from your HP as to what is healthy for you ~

pink hugs

FireSprite

I think Recovering2 nailed it - any type of life event involving a big change like this is going to cause anxiety. It's easy to want to stay in a situation with 'the devil you know' vs the one you don't, right?

Have you taken the time to go back through any of your old posts to remind yourself of the journey you've been on that brought you to this decision? I sometimes go back & read mine, it really helps me to keep things in perspective sometimes, kinda like an online journal.

Hugs to you!!

amooseoncebitmysister

Congratulations on your steps to regaining yourself!

The uncomfortable feelings are just that - uncomfortable. Acknowledge them without judgment, if you can. I spent a lot of time trying to avoid that discomfort, and it was to my detriment until I finally moved out and also learned that feeling the pain without acting on it was the best way for me to be.

Try not to judge yourself for feeling guilty about your plan. For me, focusing on *my* needs, and not his, helped me to regain some sanity and eventually gave me the strength to get out of the situation. It sounds like you know this too. I fortunately didn't have the added imperative of children; growing up with an alcoholic parent is not healthy for kids. (I know, I was one of those kids - sounds like you are too?)

Self-care is SO important, and I'm glad you are taking positive steps!

LexieCat

Absolutely, you are doing the only SANE things you can do. You have other choices, to stay and keep fighting a losing battle, which at this point would NOT be the sane thing to do.

I haven't seen my second alcoholic husband (the one who went back to drinking) in fifteen years, haven't talked to him in five or so. I still care, still hope he finds sobriety. I do NOT miss the insanity, and if he got sober tomorrow and stayed sober I would not want a relationship with him. Too much water (and booze) under the bridge. Our paths diverged, I wish him the best.

Sadconfused

Thanks everyone, it ended up being a pretty good day. I went over to my friends and hung out with her before my interview. She kept my daughter for me and then we went out to eat. She helps keep my head straight and reminds me that I doing right. She has seen it all when it comes to me and him and its nice to have someone I can trust. We are thinking of maybe getting a place together once i get some money saved.

After a good afternoon I came home him sitting at his computer of course drinking his beer. He barely spoke to me until around 12 when he decided to come.sit on the couch with me. He started out somewhat nice but that changed because i wasnt giving him enough attention i suppose. Then the crappy little comments of oh you must be getting it elsewhere and so on started. I just said yea whatever. He eventually got bored and went to bed.

Its going to be a long road and I hope I can be strong enough to make it to the other side in one piece. I grew up with an A father, it isnt something I want for my daughter. I kinda lost it the other night, I heard abf ask our 2.5.yr old to get him.a beer. Something snapped in me, i had a flashback of my dad doing the same to me and it made me so an seems so innocent to most but it really struck a nerve. I just wish I could get past the guilt of having to do this all behind his back.

AtATotalLoss

Guilt guilt guilt. Alcoholics are masters of making us feel that aren't they?
You are doing the right thing. You don't need the insanity and your daughter for sure doesn't need it. I'm with everyone else - changes are SCARY. And anxiety is a totally natural reaction. But take some deep breaths and imagine yours and your daughters life without the crazy. Imagine it being calm and serene and free of all the uncertainty that living with someone else's problem brings. Once you start seeing that, staying will start to make less and less sense.
Good luck and best wishes! You got this

ReflectingOnMe

You are doing the right thing. Perhaps the guilt you are feeling is because you are used to caring for him like a child? What you are doing is smart. It will be easier on you to leave without him knowing ahead of time - that way you can have all your ducks in a row. There is no reason to feel guilty for putting your happiness (and the well being of your child) first. Kudos to you.

Sadconfused

Thanks for the kind and wise words. I know I am doing the right thing, I know there is no other option. I keep telling myself that, hopefully it becomes something that I dont have to repeat over and over. I am def used to caring for him like a child. I guess my biggest issues comes from me thinking he is a normal person with normal ethics and morals and trying to treat him as one. In most relationships, you would just say its over and move on. I cant do that, it would never be met with a normal reaction. I would get an over dramatic blame game A response. So i guess having to be sneaky and plan behind his back eats at my normal morals even though I know its my only choice. I am fine most of the time, but there has been 2 occassions were I have almost went into a panic attack. I am able to talk myself down and last night I took all of your advice and just acknowledged the feelings and let go of them. They are what they are and I am starting to realize that I dont have to act on every little thing. I dont have to respond to his craziness or him being mad because I wasnt sitting here at home waiting for him. I just need to learn to ignore the guilt that he is so good at making me feel.

fedup3

Sadconfused, I had to do the same thing with my XAH because it would have been too dangerous and even more chaotic to let him know that I was planning on divorcing and leaving him. The man I use to know was no longer there so I started making my plans and it sounds like you know that this is what you should do as well. Your abf will survive and he will adjust he's still a grownup making his own choices but your daughter will only be this age once. This too shall pass, and you will get to the other side of all of this, take it one day at a time.

marie1960

"I just wish I could get past the guilt of having to do this all behind his back." (sadconfused)

Every action has a consequence. His daily choices/actions have brought you to where you are today. You have the right to choose better for you and your child.

We are talking about addiction. And I have painfully learned, an addicted household lacks normalcy. There is no security, there is no trust, there is no love. We live in lies, we live in denial, we live in anger, we live in fear, we live in shame. This is NOT normal.

Listen to your inner voice, it truly is trying to help guide you. The guilt I was feeling, was a reflection of my own denial, and lack of self care. He is an adult man, he can and will take care of himself. I had to let go of the "what will happen to him if I leave" and started "what will happen to me if I stay" dialogue in my head. Most days I was on the fence, homicide, or suicide? (ok, i am exaggerating a bit here, but my point, the anxiety was just too much)

You and your child have every right to live in a home free of addiction. ((((((hugs)))))

Pamel

I'm not sure why I am compelled to say this here, but "we are only as sick as our secrets"...

Sorry I landed on your thread to say this, but I am about to "come clean" with everyone, and see what happens.