Advice for dealing with a non-Alcoholic in my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 86
Advice for dealing with a non-Alcoholic in my life
Hi, all. I need some advice with a situation between my mom and me. I am the addict, the alcoholic, the one that has wreaked havoc on everyone's lives (as I am constantly reminded by my mom). It's true, I have done a lot of damage, and I realize that it will take a lot of time to repair my relationships. When a conversation starts with my mom that deals with me being an alcoholic or past mistakes, my first thought is often stinkin' thinkin' and I get resentful, but I have been consciously trying to step back and understand that I have caused a lot of hurt and pain, and my mom has a right to her feelings.
I am currently staying at my parents' house. I will be there until March 4th, at a minimum. One thing that has come up over and over again via my mom has been that she will NOT lock up her booze (understood) and I am NOT to drink while I am under their roof (also understood). She then goes on to tell me that I am not to steal from them anymore, as she feels that any time I went into their liquor cabinet in the past, I was stealing from them. I can certainly understand that attitude as well. Alcohol, especially the top shelf kind that they keep, is expensive. Neither of my parents have ever accused me of stealing when I reached for something in their fridge, took a toothbrush, used their shampoo, etc. I understand that it is because of my addiction and her resentment that my drinking their alcohol, which is supplied freely to others on many occasions, is a theft with regards to me because I am her daughter and I am an addict. And I also acknowledge that I probably drank a great deal of money, metaphorically, during occasions when I was house-sitting for them.
My question is this: should I replace some of the alcohol that I drank? I know that I have to question my motives. Would I be doing it to get her off of my back or would I be doing it because I genuinely feel bad for what I did? I know I need to explore that first. I have absolutely no apprehension about going and buying it - that is not a temptation for me (after all, I've got access to other alcohol in their house already). But, as a guest in my parents' house, I don't know if I can continue to get along if I keep being reminded that I am an untrustworthy thief that cannot be left alone. Could replacing what I have 'stolen' be a step in removing at least one obstacle in my strides to mend this relationship???? It seems like ONE thing that could be easily resolved.
I am currently staying at my parents' house. I will be there until March 4th, at a minimum. One thing that has come up over and over again via my mom has been that she will NOT lock up her booze (understood) and I am NOT to drink while I am under their roof (also understood). She then goes on to tell me that I am not to steal from them anymore, as she feels that any time I went into their liquor cabinet in the past, I was stealing from them. I can certainly understand that attitude as well. Alcohol, especially the top shelf kind that they keep, is expensive. Neither of my parents have ever accused me of stealing when I reached for something in their fridge, took a toothbrush, used their shampoo, etc. I understand that it is because of my addiction and her resentment that my drinking their alcohol, which is supplied freely to others on many occasions, is a theft with regards to me because I am her daughter and I am an addict. And I also acknowledge that I probably drank a great deal of money, metaphorically, during occasions when I was house-sitting for them.
My question is this: should I replace some of the alcohol that I drank? I know that I have to question my motives. Would I be doing it to get her off of my back or would I be doing it because I genuinely feel bad for what I did? I know I need to explore that first. I have absolutely no apprehension about going and buying it - that is not a temptation for me (after all, I've got access to other alcohol in their house already). But, as a guest in my parents' house, I don't know if I can continue to get along if I keep being reminded that I am an untrustworthy thief that cannot be left alone. Could replacing what I have 'stolen' be a step in removing at least one obstacle in my strides to mend this relationship???? It seems like ONE thing that could be easily resolved.
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Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
The best thing, IMO, that you could do right now is stay sober and prove her wrong. Follow her wishes, and don't touch any alcohol in the house. Then when you leave on March 4th, you can either give her back all the liquor you took, or give her the money. I'm going to guess that it will be difficult to have her accept the money, so it might be easier to just leave the liquor there so they can't argue it.
Doing this kind of stuff is part of our healing, as we need to do our best to right the wrongs of our the past. If you've been going to AA it's what we do in the 9th of the 12 steps.
The reasons I don't think it would be the greatest idea to do right now are... first, you're not clear on your motives. 2nd, it sounds like this could be ammunition for even bigger fights, as in, "shut up. I got you back all the liquer I ever 'stole' from you." And, maybe most importantly, you don't know what their reaction will be to that. Doesn't seem they want you to replace the liquor, just stay away from what they've got. For whatever reasons, you buying it back may not be as welcomed as you think while you're still there, and I think it's just too loaded a situation. Could very well cause more harm than good.
If you want to do what's right listen to what they're asking of you, however humbling it may be. Consider the crap you're taking something you've earned, and part of your ammends - accepting it. Doesn't sound like she's being abusive. It's going to take trime before they trust you again, and time is the only thing that's going to make that happen. I'd swallow it for now, and make right on this one after you're out of their house.
Doing this kind of stuff is part of our healing, as we need to do our best to right the wrongs of our the past. If you've been going to AA it's what we do in the 9th of the 12 steps.
The reasons I don't think it would be the greatest idea to do right now are... first, you're not clear on your motives. 2nd, it sounds like this could be ammunition for even bigger fights, as in, "shut up. I got you back all the liquer I ever 'stole' from you." And, maybe most importantly, you don't know what their reaction will be to that. Doesn't seem they want you to replace the liquor, just stay away from what they've got. For whatever reasons, you buying it back may not be as welcomed as you think while you're still there, and I think it's just too loaded a situation. Could very well cause more harm than good.
If you want to do what's right listen to what they're asking of you, however humbling it may be. Consider the crap you're taking something you've earned, and part of your ammends - accepting it. Doesn't sound like she's being abusive. It's going to take trime before they trust you again, and time is the only thing that's going to make that happen. I'd swallow it for now, and make right on this one after you're out of their house.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Personally, I would ask her what she prefers. If you did take a lot of the liquour, I'd recommend freely admitting it and apologizing for it. You are living at their house and as you said you've caused a lot of pain to them in the past with your drinking. Just be honest.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
I read a book recommended here and I liked what it said about the past behavior of a drinking alcoholic. Under the Influence. Basically, it simply states that it is pointless to dwell on what we did when we were drinking. I know that AA doesnt endorse that with their making amends practice. Instead we are to invest our energies in recovery. Once we understand that we suffer from a physical malady we must take responsiblity for it. Like someone who understands the can't have a certain food because it is toxic for them. They are the only ones who can effectively protect themselves. We all have done "bad things" when we drank. We were sick. So leave the past in the past.
My Mother does not understand alcoholism and does not feel the need to. She does feel the need to nag me to death though. Respect her wishes. Explain that you are not drinking anymore and you agree with her. Then try to move out as soon as you can.
As far as buying booze to replace what you "stole" is unnecessary I think
My Mother does not understand alcoholism and does not feel the need to. She does feel the need to nag me to death though. Respect her wishes. Explain that you are not drinking anymore and you agree with her. Then try to move out as soon as you can.
As far as buying booze to replace what you "stole" is unnecessary I think
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv 
The best thing, IMO, that you could do right now is stay sober and prove her wrong. Follow her wishes, and don't touch any alcohol in the house. Then when you leave on March 4th, you can either give her back all the liquor you took, or give her the money. I'm going to guess that it will be difficult to have her accept the money, so it might be easier to just leave the liquor there so they can't argue it.
Doing this kind of stuff is part of our healing, as we need to do our best to right the wrongs of our the past. If you've been going to AA it's what we do in the 9th of the 12 steps.
The reasons I don't think it would be the greatest idea to do right now are... first, you're not clear on your motives. 2nd, it sounds like this could be ammunition for even bigger fights, as in, "shut up. I got you back all the liquer I ever 'stole' from you." And, maybe most importantly, you don't know what their reaction will be to that. Doesn't seem they want you to replace the liquor, just stay away from what they've got. For whatever reasons, you buying it back may not be as welcomed as you think while you're still there, and I think it's just too loaded a situation. Could very well cause more harm than good.
If you want to do what's right listen to what they're asking of you, however humbling it may be. Consider the crap you're taking something you've earned, and part of your ammends - accepting it. Doesn't sound like she's being abusive. It's going to take trime before they trust you again, and time is the only thing that's going to make that happen. I'd swallow it for now, and make right on this one after you're out of their house.
Doing this kind of stuff is part of our healing, as we need to do our best to right the wrongs of our the past. If you've been going to AA it's what we do in the 9th of the 12 steps.
The reasons I don't think it would be the greatest idea to do right now are... first, you're not clear on your motives. 2nd, it sounds like this could be ammunition for even bigger fights, as in, "shut up. I got you back all the liquer I ever 'stole' from you." And, maybe most importantly, you don't know what their reaction will be to that. Doesn't seem they want you to replace the liquor, just stay away from what they've got. For whatever reasons, you buying it back may not be as welcomed as you think while you're still there, and I think it's just too loaded a situation. Could very well cause more harm than good.
If you want to do what's right listen to what they're asking of you, however humbling it may be. Consider the crap you're taking something you've earned, and part of your ammends - accepting it. Doesn't sound like she's being abusive. It's going to take trime before they trust you again, and time is the only thing that's going to make that happen. I'd swallow it for now, and make right on this one after you're out of their house.
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