warrenbhfl

My gf has been sober now for 2 months plus. She is wearing an alcohol sensing ankle bracelet as part of her probation (2 DUI's this past year).

Question: Is life still rough with alcoholics when they're cycling through sobriety (I use "sobriety" loosely because she has turned now to occasional marijuana use)?

I sense that my gf is drifting away. She is adamant that she is "not the same person i knew before". And I have been given all sorts of "I gave you ALL of my love back then (when she was a drunk) and you took it for granted" . . . "now the tables have turned!"

I know a complete break-up would be the best thing for me, but is it difficult for us to be with them through their journey with sobriety too?

DreamsofSerenity

I never saw mine through any journey through sobriety because he isn't sober. I can imagine it is very difficult though. She is changing, the dynamics of the relationship are changing, and therfore you have to change as well. If she is still smoking pot, is she really sober in the sense that she is taking responsibility how she treats you? Maybe she is changing because she is on a different drug and perhaps that drug makes her drift away? Would it be possible to take space? That sounds like it might be a good place to start.

EnglishGarden

Most here will tell you that "sober" does not describe an alcoholic using marijuana.

She is behaving in classic alcoholic/addict fashion: insisting that you are the problem, insisting that she is a changed person while she continues addict behaviors, and generally just making you doubt your own intuition as well as practical logic.

My guess is that as soon as the bracelet comes off she will be right back at it. The weed is her transitional mood-altering substance until she can get back to her favorite.

Unless an alcoholic is completely sober and making a daily rigorous effort to stay sober by working on herself in counseling and support groups, the relationship is doomed to fail. You might decide to stay with her anyway, but still, the relationship will be a failure.

I would not form a romantic relationship an alcoholic or addict with only two months or six months or nine months clean. The alcoholic brain is still in chaos, and change takes TIME. So many people think that stopping the drugging will make the person an appropriate partner for a relationship. But the changes which are necessary to heal addiction have to happen in the non-rational part of the alcoholic's brain, in the emotional part of the brain, and that kind of change takes a great deal of time.

In my opinion, a newly recovering alcoholic or addict should be completely inner-focused during the first year of recovery, and focusing on the dramas of relationship does not support that. The alcoholic must first stabilize. When that has happened, then relationship can be the next chapter of growth.

I was married to an alcoholic many years back and the man's problems were very deep. And he would put together a couple or three months of white-knuckling. But he did not immerse himself in recovery of any kind, and he always picked up the bottle again and the temporary pause in drinking seemed to make his next drunk worse than ever.

The Big Book of AA is online at www.aa/bigbookonline. It may be of help to you to read chapters 2 and 3 so you can fully accept your powerlessness to influence your alcoholic in any way. All we can do is decide what are our boundaries for ourselves. One of mine is that I will not be in relationship with anyone in active addiction. You will have to decide what your own are.

FireSprite

Short answer - yes, sobriety is hard too. Nothing compares to dealing/living with an active A, but there is nothing cut & dry or easy about working toward sobriety either. Feel free to look up my old posts any time, I know I've shared some things which you may find relevant.

Is she working a program at all? IDK if I would have been able to stick around if my RAH decided to get sober without support of some kind. Is her sobriety being pushed on her due to her DUI/legal issues or has she expressed a desire to quit? I think that part if CRITICAL. If she's not making the conscious decision to quit, I would fear that she's already accepting/expecting that she will drink again in the future.

With the alcohol no longer a part of his day-to-day, RAH is finally seeing the underlying issues that were such a contributing factor to his choice to hide in a beer bottle in the first place. Like EnglishGarden described, there is so much utter chaos happening inside the A's mind & body during early recovery it's just unbelievable. In the very beginning of RAH's recovery I never thought we'd make it through - it seemed like we were literally speaking 2 different languages & yes, after soaking his brain & body in alcohol for so many years, we had BOTH become different people.

Rosiepetal

Hi Warren
I split with my xabf about 4 months ago.
He entered into another relationship but it was the same rollercoaster I went through only different person.
He has ended that relationship & has now been sober 25 days.
I am being a good friend to him & have offered advice & given my support.
I have taken a major step back from him in a relationship sense as I am still in recovery myself.
I have asked him to put his sobriety first.
It is very early days but he looks fantastic & is starting to feel better.
I think we are more than friends but sobriety comes first & in the mean time I must continue to live my life & put myself first.
It must be a journey if they are to learn who they are all over again.
It is very much a one day at a time situation.
I'm not sure of you're situation but that is my 50cents worth.

Rosiepetal

Also be careful, sounds like the pot smoking might be a substitute for alcohol & that is quite common. Could lead to another addiction.

ODAT63

As sad as it sounds, I liked my AXH better drunk than sober, I still felt lonely and he was still an a..hole. Once he had no use for his family of 17 years he left.
And I thank God everyday for that and so do my children. Now I can work on me.

LexieCat

EnglishGarden puts it perfectly. Yes, early sobriety is difficult even when the alcoholic is doing his or her utmost and putting all that he or she has into recovery. Clearly, though, your g/f isn't even doing that.

When someone is REALLY practicing the principles of recovery, the relationship can blossom, especially if the non-alcoholic is growing along the same lines. Or, even when both partners are working very hard, the relationship may fall apart. There are no guarantees--sobriety and recovery from the effects of living with alcoholism bring many, many changes to people and to the relationship. All you can do is to try.

But when the alcoholic is NOT committed to recovery, it does not bode well for the relationship.