What I've learned at SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
What I've learned at SR
Lately when I pop in to read the latest posts here I get a message telling me that I haven’t posted for a while and that “we want to know what you have to say.” So here I am. By all means, take what you want and leave the rest.
You can read my brief history here by searching my user name, Chickadees. Short story is that I had A ‘friend with benefits’ (AFWB). It was fun until it wasn’t. I knew ‘it wasn’t’ when one Sunday afternoon I had to call 911 when AFWB drank my 90yr old neighbour’s booze and passed out in his den. When I found him I thought he was dead (he wasn’t). The whole situation terrified me. Luckily, a month or so before that happened I had come to SR in a desperate attempt to learn about relationships with Alcoholics (i.e. how to control his drinking/behaviour/outcomes etc etc etc…you get the picture).
The folks at SR responded to my plea for help/understanding/information immediately. I continue to be amazed at the individual and collective wisdom of the SR community.
My particular drama with an A was relatively brief and as someone replied in a post to me (sorry, I don’t remember who), I “got off cheap,” so to speak
I didn’t live with him and we didn’t have kids. But I did (and still do) care deeply for him and the experience shook me to my core.
So even though I’m no longer enmeshed in a close relationship with an A, I still come here to read and learn so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned and what worked for me when I decided I needed to extricate myself from the wreckage.
1) Potential: Don’t fall in love with it. Active A’s are what they are *right now* and since Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will only get worse. Ask yourself if you would be okay with the current situation 5yrs from now.
2) Listen when people tell you who they are. Take it as gospel.
3) If you go to a hardware store to buy bread, you will be disappointed.
4) No contact is the way to go. Even if it is only for a short period of time. It gives you the time and space to get re-connected with *you* and those close to you who care about you, respect you and will support you
5) Write a list of all the A related events that have hurt you. If you’re still involved with your A, keep an ongoing log. Read it when you start to feel nostalgic about the good times you had with you’re a and want to contact/re-connect/try again with them
6) More will be revealed. It probably won’t be pretty.
7) You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
8) You will lose the “pick me or the bottle” battle every time. Losing that battle is not a reflection of your worth.
Like I said, I still read here regularly. You folks are a wealth of information regarding personal boundaries and I’ve found that helpful to me in regard to my relationship my A as well as in other relationships that are important to me.
As a bit of a post script, I’ve only seen my AFWB on two occasions since the dreaded 911 incident. Both were ultimately a(n alcohol related) disaster.
Also, mostly for those newbies here, my AFWB does have some insight into his disease. To his credit, he told me that he was an A shortly after we met. I didn’t believe him. He is smart, insightful, charismatic and kind. He is also firmly in the grips of an addiction he doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to face. He continues to travel that dark lonely road.
I wish peace and happiness to you all.
You can read my brief history here by searching my user name, Chickadees. Short story is that I had A ‘friend with benefits’ (AFWB). It was fun until it wasn’t. I knew ‘it wasn’t’ when one Sunday afternoon I had to call 911 when AFWB drank my 90yr old neighbour’s booze and passed out in his den. When I found him I thought he was dead (he wasn’t). The whole situation terrified me. Luckily, a month or so before that happened I had come to SR in a desperate attempt to learn about relationships with Alcoholics (i.e. how to control his drinking/behaviour/outcomes etc etc etc…you get the picture).
The folks at SR responded to my plea for help/understanding/information immediately. I continue to be amazed at the individual and collective wisdom of the SR community.
My particular drama with an A was relatively brief and as someone replied in a post to me (sorry, I don’t remember who), I “got off cheap,” so to speak
I didn’t live with him and we didn’t have kids. But I did (and still do) care deeply for him and the experience shook me to my core. So even though I’m no longer enmeshed in a close relationship with an A, I still come here to read and learn so I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned and what worked for me when I decided I needed to extricate myself from the wreckage.
1) Potential: Don’t fall in love with it. Active A’s are what they are *right now* and since Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will only get worse. Ask yourself if you would be okay with the current situation 5yrs from now.
2) Listen when people tell you who they are. Take it as gospel.
3) If you go to a hardware store to buy bread, you will be disappointed.
4) No contact is the way to go. Even if it is only for a short period of time. It gives you the time and space to get re-connected with *you* and those close to you who care about you, respect you and will support you
5) Write a list of all the A related events that have hurt you. If you’re still involved with your A, keep an ongoing log. Read it when you start to feel nostalgic about the good times you had with you’re a and want to contact/re-connect/try again with them
6) More will be revealed. It probably won’t be pretty.
7) You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
8) You will lose the “pick me or the bottle” battle every time. Losing that battle is not a reflection of your worth.
Like I said, I still read here regularly. You folks are a wealth of information regarding personal boundaries and I’ve found that helpful to me in regard to my relationship my A as well as in other relationships that are important to me.
As a bit of a post script, I’ve only seen my AFWB on two occasions since the dreaded 911 incident. Both were ultimately a(n alcohol related) disaster.
Also, mostly for those newbies here, my AFWB does have some insight into his disease. To his credit, he told me that he was an A shortly after we met. I didn’t believe him. He is smart, insightful, charismatic and kind. He is also firmly in the grips of an addiction he doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to face. He continues to travel that dark lonely road.
I wish peace and happiness to you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Chickadees 
It was fun until it wasn’t.
Great post, thanks for taking the time to share!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
"You will lose the 'pick me or the bottle' battle every time."
My fave.
This is an incredible post. Thank you.
My fave.
This is an incredible post. Thank you.
thanks for your insights!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Yep... that is a very bitter pill to swallow isn't it?
thanks for your insights!
thanks for your insights!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I have started saying something similar to a friend who struggles with her own AH. I told her that from SR I have learned that sometimes 'everything is ok until one day when it's not'. And that when THAT day comes, you want to have resources & options available to move forward.
Great post, thanks for taking the time to share!
Great post, thanks for taking the time to share!
It's funny, I find myself saying/thinking this kind of thing a lot, in different forms...say like..."it was all good until it wasn't." I suppose it points to an un-named, unidentified 'tipping point' when good turned bad, when up went down, when happy turned sad... It seems like I only recognize tipping points after they've already tipped. Maybe that's what wisdom is...the ability to recognize the signs that 'tipping' is imminent?
Good Roads,
Chick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Great summary! Even when there is no hope for the alcoholic (something we can never know for sure), there is hope for us!
Peace,
Chick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
"You will lose the 'pick me or the bottle' battle every time."
My fave.
This is an incredible post. Thank you.
My fave.
This is an incredible post. Thank you.
It's sad but true. I didn't even bother to got there with my AFWB but I totally get why lots do...especially if you're married or have kids with or are living with an A. I think this is especially important for newbies to know. And for them to know that sometimes, it's just not about 'you.'
be well,
Chick
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
Thanks for your most gracious replies to my post. I am humbled to think that I could give something back to this community.
This whole ordeal was not at all easy for me. And I still have some lingering doubts/questions that I will share in another thread at some point soon. In short, I really got stuck on needing an apology from my AFWB. I'm not sure I handled that as best as I could have and I still haven't figured out why I needed an apology so badly and what need it met. I'll start another thread to discuss (more will be revealed, LOL).
Take good care,
Chick
This whole ordeal was not at all easy for me. And I still have some lingering doubts/questions that I will share in another thread at some point soon. In short, I really got stuck on needing an apology from my AFWB. I'm not sure I handled that as best as I could have and I still haven't figured out why I needed an apology so badly and what need it met. I'll start another thread to discuss (more will be revealed, LOL).
Take good care,
Chick
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
