Mood swings
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Mood swings
Hi everyone
My AH has been sober for 1 1/2 years (I think he may have drunk once in this time but I'm not sure). We have 5 children with 4 still at home.
Normally things are good. But on a few occasions he has had mood swings that involve yelling at me and our kids.
He Went into a bad mood on Sunday afternoon and told us all how much we annoy him, the youngest children don't do as they're told, and the 11 year old was told she. Was the worst. This particular child is dealing with bullying in our street and is very sensitive, although admittedly is badly behaved.
He stormed about like a caged tiger on Monday, while we all walked on eggshells. Tuesday was pretty much the same.
Now he seems to have recovered from the mood swing, but to be honest I've been left feeling so upset, I just feel like telling him it's over and asking him to leave.
I have barely eaten since Sunday, not knowing wether he would start drinking again. He is aware if this happens, our marriage is over. We have been together 16 years, married 6, though most of that has been spent apart as he regularly walked out on me. Things came to a head 3 years ago when I left him for 2 years and his alcoholism got really bad. I took him back then when he swore he would go into recovery, which he did.
I left him at that time because I would not have our children grow up watching me being verbally abused.
I feel so angry, when he shouts at me, he may as well slap my face because that is how it feels to me.
When he shouts at our children, I feel like crying at the injustice of it. Yet he says that's unfair because I shout at the kids.
Difference being, im correcting them for bad behaviour not taking my moods out on them.
I guess what im asking, is am I over reacting. He says I'm blowing it out of proportion.
But I feel quite strongly that someone taking their bad mood out on me and our children is just so so wrong.
I have threatened to leave him over this before, about 6 months ago, and I know that regardless of his apologies, this will happen again.
Is there anyone else dealing with this. I genuinely thought that once he was in recovery that things like this would end.
He says the last few days have not had anything to do with drink. I guess that's possible as he smokes dope every night, and gambles every day. So it could have been related to that.
Writing this and reading this I'm really wondering what on earth I'm with him for.
I do love him, but I don't think I can live like this. Am I over reacting.
TIA for reading.
My AH has been sober for 1 1/2 years (I think he may have drunk once in this time but I'm not sure). We have 5 children with 4 still at home.
Normally things are good. But on a few occasions he has had mood swings that involve yelling at me and our kids.
He Went into a bad mood on Sunday afternoon and told us all how much we annoy him, the youngest children don't do as they're told, and the 11 year old was told she. Was the worst. This particular child is dealing with bullying in our street and is very sensitive, although admittedly is badly behaved.
He stormed about like a caged tiger on Monday, while we all walked on eggshells. Tuesday was pretty much the same.
Now he seems to have recovered from the mood swing, but to be honest I've been left feeling so upset, I just feel like telling him it's over and asking him to leave.
I have barely eaten since Sunday, not knowing wether he would start drinking again. He is aware if this happens, our marriage is over. We have been together 16 years, married 6, though most of that has been spent apart as he regularly walked out on me. Things came to a head 3 years ago when I left him for 2 years and his alcoholism got really bad. I took him back then when he swore he would go into recovery, which he did.
I left him at that time because I would not have our children grow up watching me being verbally abused.
I feel so angry, when he shouts at me, he may as well slap my face because that is how it feels to me.
When he shouts at our children, I feel like crying at the injustice of it. Yet he says that's unfair because I shout at the kids.
Difference being, im correcting them for bad behaviour not taking my moods out on them.
I guess what im asking, is am I over reacting. He says I'm blowing it out of proportion.
But I feel quite strongly that someone taking their bad mood out on me and our children is just so so wrong.
I have threatened to leave him over this before, about 6 months ago, and I know that regardless of his apologies, this will happen again.
Is there anyone else dealing with this. I genuinely thought that once he was in recovery that things like this would end.
He says the last few days have not had anything to do with drink. I guess that's possible as he smokes dope every night, and gambles every day. So it could have been related to that.
Writing this and reading this I'm really wondering what on earth I'm with him for.
I do love him, but I don't think I can live like this. Am I over reacting.
TIA for reading.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi--
Honestly I don't think you're over reacting... and I'm not sure what kind of a recovery program would let you gamble and smoke dope? It sounds to me like he might be trading in one addiction for another.
My father was very angry and prone to yelling at my Mother and us kids. It really has a way of undermining a child's self-confidence. We all have issues with depression and anxiety and I've been in and out of therapy for years.
My axbf was much the same way. Moody, and prone to angry outbursts, never knew what would set him off. Nothing I did would make him happy. I probably should have ran away the first time I saw him exhibit this behavior.
We broke up back in July and now I'm back in therapy... lol. I cannot tolerate the angries and the constant criticism. I loved my ex too, but I really don't think it's right to take your bad moods out on other people. The last night we were together he woke me up to complain about a sweatshirt I left on the floor.
Unless your AH is ready to go to counseling I really don't think he will change. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Do you want your kids to be a neurotic mess?
My parents did marriage counseling years ago and it really helped them. Of course you both would have to be willing to go.
Anyway good luck!
Honestly I don't think you're over reacting... and I'm not sure what kind of a recovery program would let you gamble and smoke dope? It sounds to me like he might be trading in one addiction for another.
My father was very angry and prone to yelling at my Mother and us kids. It really has a way of undermining a child's self-confidence. We all have issues with depression and anxiety and I've been in and out of therapy for years.
My axbf was much the same way. Moody, and prone to angry outbursts, never knew what would set him off. Nothing I did would make him happy. I probably should have ran away the first time I saw him exhibit this behavior.
We broke up back in July and now I'm back in therapy... lol. I cannot tolerate the angries and the constant criticism. I loved my ex too, but I really don't think it's right to take your bad moods out on other people. The last night we were together he woke me up to complain about a sweatshirt I left on the floor.
Unless your AH is ready to go to counseling I really don't think he will change. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Do you want your kids to be a neurotic mess?
My parents did marriage counseling years ago and it really helped them. Of course you both would have to be willing to go.
Anyway good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My AH has had terrible mood swings all through our 18 year marriage. I was talking to my therapist yesterday and she asked me if AH had ever been evaluated for bi-polar disorder. Well, NO, but everyone of the past 5 counselors I've been to in the past 10 years has suggested it so maybe there's something to it, LOL.
Anyway, I know how you feel. About a year ago my AH blew up at both of us and it was all I could do to NOT throw up. We don't have to live like this. You've obviously made a break before and you always have that option again. I've never found the strength to leave but each passing year gets harder and harder to hold on.
One thing about addicts is that they don't have to be using to be badly behaved. My AH was sober for 15 years and he was still up and down and we walked on eggshells. Mental illness, untreated alcoholism, etc take their toll on the person and the family. I hope you are getting help for YOU and please know that you're not alone.
Anyway, I know how you feel. About a year ago my AH blew up at both of us and it was all I could do to NOT throw up. We don't have to live like this. You've obviously made a break before and you always have that option again. I've never found the strength to leave but each passing year gets harder and harder to hold on.
One thing about addicts is that they don't have to be using to be badly behaved. My AH was sober for 15 years and he was still up and down and we walked on eggshells. Mental illness, untreated alcoholism, etc take their toll on the person and the family. I hope you are getting help for YOU and please know that you're not alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Thank you for the responses.
I just attended an al anon meeting, the first in 4 years. After posting I realised that was where I needed to be.
The subject was on tolerance and patience, and I have left feeling a lot calmer.
I guess I know deep down that being yelled at, ignored, growled at and sworn at is unacceptable behaviour, but when it involves the kids then I am also at fault for allowing it to happen.
I was strong enough to walk away before and I know in my heart if he was to drink again then I would definitely walk away for good, before I would allow my children to be subjected to anymore of the alcoholics madness.
He is not in a programme, he is doing recovery solo though is well aware of the programme and attended meetings for the first few months. He has done well staying off the drink, but it's true he has simply swopped his addiction for drugs and gambling.
I am seriously trying to decide if I should end this marriage now, a huge part of me believes this can only end in tears.
I just attended an al anon meeting, the first in 4 years. After posting I realised that was where I needed to be.
The subject was on tolerance and patience, and I have left feeling a lot calmer.
I guess I know deep down that being yelled at, ignored, growled at and sworn at is unacceptable behaviour, but when it involves the kids then I am also at fault for allowing it to happen.
I was strong enough to walk away before and I know in my heart if he was to drink again then I would definitely walk away for good, before I would allow my children to be subjected to anymore of the alcoholics madness.
He is not in a programme, he is doing recovery solo though is well aware of the programme and attended meetings for the first few months. He has done well staying off the drink, but it's true he has simply swopped his addiction for drugs and gambling.
I am seriously trying to decide if I should end this marriage now, a huge part of me believes this can only end in tears.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
To me, he doesn't sound like he's in recovery at all. Just because he isn't drinking alcohol, doesn't mean he is sober. Being subjected to somone's bad moods is the worst, especially for codependents. I think you could get to a place through your own recovery where his moods don't affect you so much. But what will happen to the kids?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Maybe there could be some counseling involved to address behavioral issues and relationship dynamic issues?
My grandparents were both children of alcoholic parents (as am I) that did not drink but their behavior seemed very much to display traits of alcoholism. My dad is an alcoholic and seems to have had the behaviors passed on to him even though he grew up in a "dry" house. It really seems that there is a behavioral component that needs to be addressed that involves much more than simply not drinking and that this can also be transferred to children. It's important to get help.
My grandparents were both children of alcoholic parents (as am I) that did not drink but their behavior seemed very much to display traits of alcoholism. My dad is an alcoholic and seems to have had the behaviors passed on to him even though he grew up in a "dry" house. It really seems that there is a behavioral component that needs to be addressed that involves much more than simply not drinking and that this can also be transferred to children. It's important to get help.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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One decision I have made tonight is attend the al anon regularly and start doing the steps again.
If any of my friends gave me this scenario I would tell them to run a mile.
The only reason I'm still in this marriage is because when it's good it's very good.
Although we live in a nice area, we are a part of a social group that condones dope use. It doesn't sit right with me that he uses this every night and he is aware of this. Unfortunately he is one of many people I know that sees no harm in it. I think differently having seen my own family members suffer strokes and severe paranoia from prolonged use.
At times like this it feels like he has more problems than I can deal with, but most of the times he is normal and loving and the relationship makes me very happy.
In the last year and a half, this has happened 3 times. The last time his mood swing was triggered by the gambling losses.
He has apologised again tonight, so I showed him this thread so he could try to understand how I feel. Maybe now he will stop telling me I'm over reacting.
His only response is he won't move out till he gets himself somewhere to live.
If any of my friends gave me this scenario I would tell them to run a mile.
The only reason I'm still in this marriage is because when it's good it's very good.
Although we live in a nice area, we are a part of a social group that condones dope use. It doesn't sit right with me that he uses this every night and he is aware of this. Unfortunately he is one of many people I know that sees no harm in it. I think differently having seen my own family members suffer strokes and severe paranoia from prolonged use.
At times like this it feels like he has more problems than I can deal with, but most of the times he is normal and loving and the relationship makes me very happy.
In the last year and a half, this has happened 3 times. The last time his mood swing was triggered by the gambling losses.
He has apologised again tonight, so I showed him this thread so he could try to understand how I feel. Maybe now he will stop telling me I'm over reacting.
His only response is he won't move out till he gets himself somewhere to live.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Ah yeah, I hear ya on that one...
One thing that kept me in my last relationship was the fact that things were really good when they were good. But when they were bad, it truly sucked. If you are sacrificing your own mental helath to be with someone that can't be good.
One thing that kept me in my last relationship was the fact that things were really good when they were good. But when they were bad, it truly sucked. If you are sacrificing your own mental helath to be with someone that can't be good.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Angelamc777 
One decision I have made tonight is attend the al anon regularly and start doing the steps again.
If any of my friends gave me this scenario I would tell them to run a mile.
The only reason I'm still in this marriage is because when it's good it's very good.
Although we live in a nice area, we are a part of a social group that condones dope use. It doesn't sit right with me that he uses this every night and he is aware of this. Unfortunately he is one of many people I know that sees no harm in it. I think differently having seen my own family members suffer strokes and severe paranoia from prolonged use.
At times like this it feels like he has more problems than I can deal with, but most of the times he is normal and loving and the relationship makes me very happy.
In the last year and a half, this has happened 3 times. The last time his mood swing was triggered by the gambling losses.
He has apologised again tonight, so I showed him this thread so he could try to understand how I feel. Maybe now he will stop telling me I'm over reacting.
His only response is he won't move out till he gets himself somewhere to live.
If any of my friends gave me this scenario I would tell them to run a mile.
The only reason I'm still in this marriage is because when it's good it's very good.
Although we live in a nice area, we are a part of a social group that condones dope use. It doesn't sit right with me that he uses this every night and he is aware of this. Unfortunately he is one of many people I know that sees no harm in it. I think differently having seen my own family members suffer strokes and severe paranoia from prolonged use.
At times like this it feels like he has more problems than I can deal with, but most of the times he is normal and loving and the relationship makes me very happy.
In the last year and a half, this has happened 3 times. The last time his mood swing was triggered by the gambling losses.
He has apologised again tonight, so I showed him this thread so he could try to understand how I feel. Maybe now he will stop telling me I'm over reacting.
His only response is he won't move out till he gets himself somewhere to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
My children are 1,3,5,11 and the 18 yo has moved out. The 11 yo has witnessed his alcoholism all her life. I talk to her about it honestly and try to limit the damage that has already been done.
Thankfully the others are too young to remember the hell when he was actively drinking.
Since being sober he is a brilliant dad and all the kids adore him, but that doesn't change the fact that these outbursts are very unfair on them, and will affect them.
I know our children would be devastated if he left as would I.
But I really feel the mood swings are unacceptable and it's true that the price being paid will be the mental health of all of us.
Perhaps if he went to counselling and managed to control it, I don't know if that's even possible. There's always going to be the issues of drugs and gambling affecting his moods.
Thankfully the others are too young to remember the hell when he was actively drinking.
Since being sober he is a brilliant dad and all the kids adore him, but that doesn't change the fact that these outbursts are very unfair on them, and will affect them.
I know our children would be devastated if he left as would I.
But I really feel the mood swings are unacceptable and it's true that the price being paid will be the mental health of all of us.
Perhaps if he went to counselling and managed to control it, I don't know if that's even possible. There's always going to be the issues of drugs and gambling affecting his moods.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me as if your husband is suffering from untreated alcoholism. He isn't drinking, but he isn't well.
Sorry you and the kids are dealing with this--I'm glad you're back in Al-Anon. There's no reason your recovery has to wait on his.
Sorry you and the kids are dealing with this--I'm glad you're back in Al-Anon. There's no reason your recovery has to wait on his.
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My own father was prone to explosions and having an explosive temper at times unrelated to any alcohol - its just who he was. Thankfully we had a big house so just steering clear of him at those times worked for the best - but I still can't stomach that kind of (ridiculous) anger.
Sounds like with the pot smoking and gambling .....I dunno. I would probably be more worried about my kids and how it all affects them. Certainly impossible to encourage your children to steer clear of drugs when Dad is stoned every night.
Dad sounds pretty high maintenence - must be hard with 5 children too.
Sounds like with the pot smoking and gambling .....I dunno. I would probably be more worried about my kids and how it all affects them. Certainly impossible to encourage your children to steer clear of drugs when Dad is stoned every night.
Dad sounds pretty high maintenence - must be hard with 5 children too.
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