letscallitaday

Hi i've looked on these forums many times in the past and always thought I should see if it can help me so I've finally plucked up the courage and accepted I need to do something about this.
The background to my story is this... Im 32 at present married with one child to a previous relationship, my boy is nearly ten now and I love him to bit's. My father has never been around and I have never met him, so I like to think I do an extra good job with my son.
My problem is binge drinking , I don't touch a drop of alcohol for a week, two weeks, even longer sometimes. the only time i drink is to get drunk on a Sat evening with my friends who I have known since I was at school.
the problem is I drink far too excessively and when I do I don't know what I am doing and sometimes get aggressive with the people around me who are my friends (doesn't make sense I know) they seem to be able to drink like crazy and not get this way, I clearly can't, this has gone on if I'm honest since i was 18 and it has to stop now, it's affecting my relationship with my wife as it's embarrassing for her to see my being a drunken fool starting fights with my friends for no reason.
I'm the complete opposite when sober which is I would say is 28-30 days a month , i've tried stopping before for a month or two then think i've cured myself and drink excessively again. on the last occasion I went a year without being a tool then it happened again. I realise now it has to be a complete stop on alcohol for ever.
I've also tried to self harm when drunk in the past as I say I have no idea what I'm doing at this point as totally a different person. Like I said previously can be a year between episodes of being a fool but inevitably it happens again. So i'm more than ready to change starting now, problem is like I previously said i've tried in the past and then convinced myself I can handle the all day sessions (I cant) so after some advice really on how to go about this, do I remove myself completely from the pub environment , and simply approach it with out of sight out of mind, or do I accept that I will always be around my friends who drink the same as I do on a sat and simply go but as I said not drink ever again.
this is really tipping point for me I'm sick of waking up with the shame of not knowing what happened the night before and having to ring people and apologise (even though I cant remember what I'm apologising for)

Any advice of people with previous experience of this would be very helpful

thanks for reading this (i'm going to give it my everything this time, it will not beat me)

Sazzle

Welcome to SR.

Is there something else you can do on a Saturday night, perhaps with your wife and son?

I used to drink with a huge crowd of friends each weekend but the numbers have dwindled as they all got serious partners, married, children etc. I realised I was using this as an excuse and romanticising my nights out with the same 3 friends who, like me, were emotionally stuck.

I wish you all the best.

S x

Ps my off switch is broken too so I know I can never take a sip again

letscallitaday

Yes that's what I've been doing. But every now and again I go out with my friends as its something I've always done all my life. They too all have family's and children , it's becoming more rare. The last occasion was last Sunday for a christening, started at 1pm and finished at 12am. Needless to say not the best idea, I know what I have to do even when I go out with my wife I've told her I'm bit drinking a drop even with food. I just want to stop completely, she understands and is going to help. But as you will know if you've quit saying it and actually soon got is two different things eh. Thanks for replying appreciate it. Hope your doing good with your sobriety

Sazzle

I'm only at 3 months but it feels amazing. I was a wine drinker, 1 to 1.5 bottles, 5-6 nights a week with the odd binge weekend thrown in for good measure. I think it's harder if you're a once a month/ blue moon drinker as the mind softens resolve between events.

S x

hamabi

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting you just try really really harder than you've ever really tried before to quit, as you've plenty of experience with that already.

It leaves plenty of other options for help staying sober on the table. I assume you're looking for help in doing what you can't do.

You know you can go a year, which is really great. You're ahead of the curve in understanding that's not ultimately very useful. Find those ways that lots of others have used to become free of alcohol and drugs for at minimum a decade, as less means the process of getting sober again will get tiresome.

Find them, make your choice and then go all the way with whatever it is you choose.

letscallitaday

Thanks sazzle and hamabi, just to confirm I didn't go a year without drinking, I went a year without being a drunken idiot and embarrassing myself. I drank on sat's as always just tried to control it. But that's the problem don't think I can , when Ive gone a few months without being a tool it's easy to forget how you felt the following days/ weeks after the last binge episode. Then it happens again, just wanted to see if people thought it was a good idea staying away from pubs and that whole environment. Or whether to still go and obviously not drink.
And three months sazzle well done. That will be my goal for now then , give me to something to aim towards.

hamabi

Sorry I missed the one year thing. Good to see you're going to shoot for 3 months. If you try hard I'm pretty sure you can do that.

letscallitaday

Yes it's a case of having too. It's not me when I drink like that, I don't want to lose or jeopardise what I have and I'm prepared to do whatever I need too. As I say I've tried in the past and always talked myself into thinking it has been fixed now and I can go out and not drink loads. But in reality I can't, clearly will power goes down the pan once alcohol is involved as does common sense it would seem.
I'm gonna try stay away from pubs completely for the next three months I'm just worried that when I eventually do go back in one I may again think its ok. And then the cycle starts again ...
Thanks for replying I appreciate it

DIYman

No solutions from me unfortunately as I'm only just over a week sober.

I had a huge group of friends I used to go out drinking with from my University years and slowly its dwindled to just a few. For so many years going out would be the only time I would drink, now (some 18 years later) its crept up on me to 3-4 nights a week at home as well as out. I wouldn't mind if it was just one or two but so often it turns into way more than that.

I do have one friend I go out with that I have known from school and although we usually have a drink or 10 I note that in reality he can take it or leave it. Essentially he's only been drinking cos I have. Perhaps its a stupid dreamwish but it would be good to do what he does when I'm with my other drinking friends - but without actually drinking anything.

Of course what I haven't discovered is whether this dwindling group of friends is held together by friendship, or by drinking. I hope its the former

artsoul

Welcome letscallitaday -

Sounds like you're making a really positive decision for yourself and your family. I basically stopped going to bars after I got sober - it's pretty boring sitting around watching people get drunk (especially when things get obnoxious). Think about some other ways you can have fun with your friends. I've found that things are actually more enjoyable sober anyway (who woulda thought?)

Hope4Life

Congratulations on your ability to drink only 1 day a week. Since you are able to skip it the other 6 days, I would think you should EASILY be able to stop completely. I would also think that staying away from the people you have been drinking with would be a good choice, at least for a while. Would it be possible to organize some other activity with your friends that does not involve drinking?

I walked away from my local brewery about 5 years ago and soon found out that those people I was drinking with EVERY night (for 10+ years) were not my friends, they were just drinking buddies. Not one of them contacted me or stopped by to see how I was doing. A tough pill to swallow for sure but very eye opening.

I drank at home, by myself, since then and finally decided to give up the beer 6 months ago. Now when I see one of them in town and smell alcohol on them or see them stumbling down the street, I take great satisfaction knowing that I've eliminated that behavior from my life. No more alcohol fueled stupidity for me!

I suggest that you take a serious look at your friendships and ask yourself if they are really true friends or just drinking buddies. Would you trust them to take care of your house if you needed to leave town for a while? It is not an easy thing to do but can greatly improve your chances at continued sobriety.

You sound like you know what you need to do to stop the behavior that you dislike so much.... and putting yourself in that situation every week will be a temptation that you should try to avoid, until you are completely confident in your sobriety.

Your wife and child should always be your first priority and they need, want and deserve for you to be sober.

Stick to it! You can do this, easily.

letscallitaday

Thanks for more responses and some good advice. I never thought that talking about to it to strangers would actually help me and make me feel more positive.
My friends are all too draw not drinking buddies but the real McCoy, I'm the one with the problem as I don't know when to stop once I get to a certain drunk level, despite only drinking once a fortnight I can drink probably in one night what a normal non alcoholic drinker would consume in a week! That's the problem , I don't think I would class myself as an alcoholic however I don't crave it ever during a day or a week night only a sat when I have the Sunday off work to basically recover. Which when I say that loud sounds crazy, my son doesn't live with me so I don't see him on a Sunday hence I feel it's ok to drink on a sat. Going to try get him every second Sunday to so something also.
I've asked my wife if she can have every second Sunday off work more often so we can go places together and enjoy our time together more. I haven't told her ive joined this forum yet as i want to say in a few months when I've not touched a drop how I did it with your help. As I've told her before im not drinking and then two to three weeks gone out on a sat again and made a fool of myself..
I'm hoping after a few weekends with her (as she usually works sat and sunday, I will immediately realise what I've been missing out by spending the day in bed feeling awful.
Once again thank you everyone for your comments and advice , I hope you are all doing well as I know everyone has to deal with there individual circumstances and problems.
If anyone wants any advice of me feel free to message me and I can try my best, not saying I can fix the problem but I'm happy to listen.
Cheers

nigey1

You dont drink through the week or crave daily alcohol YET...

You are me before 30 and I cant pinpoint exactly where I added the work knock off beers and the "I deserve it" nightly beers to my weekend binges.

Wasn't hard to see a pattern forming and it was only headed in one direction.

I think you know what you have to do.

BTW I am 36 and look forward to sitting back in my nursing home and thinking "that was the smartest decision I ever made" I doubt I will be thinking "gee I wish I had of kept binging away and lost my family and career"

Best of luck to ya.

letscallitaday

Yes hear what your saying, but I honestly never have ever had a drink on a work night, think because I only have ever drunk to get drunk not to socialise. But yes I agree the best result is to stop it completely now and I have . Well 4 days ago. (Fingers crossed) Thanks for comment I was thinking it sounded like I was in denial , that's it for me I've already made plans for the next 2 Sundays in a row which I've beer done before a normally expect to be rough after say night.
Thanks Nigey1 hope all is well with you.

baddog1970

i think it often sounds like were in denial, i guess sometimes you just dont realise how bad things have got till you really sit and down and think honestly about it.

im 42 and 51 days since my last drink,
until maybe 2 years ago, i was exactly the same as you, didnt drink on school nights, sometimes went weeks/ months withough a drink, even had a case of carling go past its sell by date in the fridge.

but, when i did have a drink id get rat arrsed, one or two wasnt enough, id want to be out all night, get pi55ed off if i couldnt stay out for whatever reason, then id find myself doing stupid things, nothing illegal,imorral or aggressive, but id just be a *****, didnt know when to stop.

then around 2 years ago a switch flicked over, to where i was drinking on school nights, 6-8-10 cans a night, then i got to driving home from the pub now and again, something i detest and was deeply ashamed off, id never have done it if id been in control of my compulsion.

i got to where i was drinking 40-50 pints/cans of cider a week, even with a cpl of days off it. i managed to hide it from my partner as i was working away during the week.

i wasnt doing it for fun anymore, it just became a way of doing things,

one tuesday morning i woke up rough after driving home after 10 pints and realised i had to stop altogether, never have another drink, ever.

ever.

ive tried drinking "normally" i cant, my head doesnt see the point. Brains learn to live with alcohol and they never forget, if i start again ill be back up to those levels really quick.

i went to an AA meeting where "alcoholics" go !!, and found that despite the fact caught it early and hadnt inflected the damage to myself and realtionships that many others had, i have so much in common with those people, firstly that im an alcohohlic, just not the kind of stereotypical one i had in my head

most people at AA meetings started out having a drink for fun, some of us just cant drink ever, in AA they call it an alergy, and i think thats a pretty fair assessment that some people are just alergic to alcohol, if you had a nut allergy you wouldnt eat panuts, unless you wer nuts

now that ive accepted im never drinking again its a relief.

ill never again wake up worrying that ive said something stupid or offensive (unless i meant too) ill never be lying in bed on a sunny day trying not to throw up.
ill never wake up wondering how come i got my ar$E TATTOED in a sleepy welsh village.

problems with alcohol rarely go away if you keep using alcohol, people have a way of saying "when" not "if", as in if id carried on it wouldnt have been if i lost my licence but when , not if i lose a friend thourgh upsetting them , but when, not if id got a batterring for mouthing off to a stranger, but when

could i have a drink ?, jesus yeah, id love a can of cider right now, but i know i cant , in the same way i know i cant drink battery acid, you just have to convince your head that you know best.

if your truely ready to accept the problem and that there is a solution then youll be able to do it.

letscallitaday

Cheers baddog so From what I'm reading off you guys sounds like I've caught it before it eventually completely out of control. Hear what your saying good terminology re the battery acid. That's how I'm going to look at it now, I was same as you mate I only drank to get pi**ed so again maybe your right maybe I would have started during the week.
Well I'm new to all this but feel as if in learning a lot daily. Tomorrows day 5 and sat will be the big one I know it won't be a problem though... For now. I'm used to going a week or two without a drop that's when it's going to hit me I think week 3 possibly.
Won't beat me tho onwards and upwards.
Cheers

baddog1970

ive only been to 6 or so AA meetings, and without fault every single person ive spoken to have said they wish theyd caught it at the stage i have.
Alcoholism is a progressive "Disease" alcohol permanently changes the chemical processes of the brain, it trains itself to work with alcohol, i could drink 10 pints and people would think id not had a drink. When you stop drinking the processes dont chain, Brains dont unlearn, your brain will keep the information on how to deal with alochol and if you drink again it will react in the same way it did when you drank last,

the main thing i get from AA is that there are others in the same boat, some of them are in boats with massive holes in and have almost drowned and others are calmly sailing along, it really helps me to listen to other people talk about how theyve been affected by alcohol, it helps me realise where i could have ended up if id not took control.

theres some awful sad tales, and none of those folks started out with the intention of scr3wing themsleves up.

youll be grand as long as you accept that its something you need to do and its better for you in the long run

letscallitaday

Yes easier said then done tho eh. I believe I can do it, I just need to keep telling myself in x amount of weeks , months, years that 'no it's not ok to have one night out on the booze, I haven't beat it , never will'
Thanks again mate

Pamel

Thanks bad dog,

This really rang true:

"ive tried drinking "normally" i cant, my head doesnt see the point. Brains learn to live with alcohol and they never forget, if i start again ill be back up to those levels really quick."

letscallitaday

Yes words of wisdom there really good advice from a lot of people. Always knew there were people with drink problems but always thought of myself as 'different' to them.. Turns out I was wrong , and there is no shame in admitting that you need help.
This forum is making me more positive every day about this whole situation.
Thanks again