The guy I was dating relapsed
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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The guy I was dating relapsed
I have been dating a guy, who I really like. He was very upfront about being in AA and his need to attend meetings daily indefinitely. He shared his addiction history and what lead him into recovery 4 years ago. I am a therapist who specializes in addiction, and someone who is familiar with alanon, and based on what he shared and how he shared it, I felt comfortable moving forward. And then he relapsed - at my house, and I didn't know it. I knew he changed drastically that night but didn't see direct evidence of him drinking. Then, two days later, he tells we what happened, that he continued to drink the whole next day, that he hadn't been to a meeting in a month, and that he had already talked to his sponsor and was on his way to a meeting.
This is where I stop being a therapist and start being a person. I know he is doing all the things as I therapist that I believe he should do, but I also know, because of his honesty, that he has relapsed every year since he first entered into recovery. Same acknowledgement, same immediate report to sponsor, and same right back to meetings. Because of the pattern, and my fears, I ended it with him tonight. And it sucks because aside from the relapse, I really liked this guy and he liked me. He was the nicest guy I've ever dated.
I know people can get stronger recovery than they had thru a relapse, but I also know a person in good/active recovery doesn't usually relapse. I do respect him immensely for his honesty and for getting back into a meeting, but I do not want a future where I am a bystander that gets hurt by addiction and relapses. My childhood was defined as being a bystander to my father and step-father's alcoholism. And unsurprising, I was married to an addict for 7 years. None of these men were ever active in AA/NA though. And I wouldn't have dated this guy if he weren't working an active program to begin with. This is my first time ever dating someone with an addiction past since my divorce. And I'm so confused. I honestly don't know if I ended it because I made a healthy decision or because I'm letting my fears around intimacy preventing me from giving connection a chance. I just know I don't want to repeat past lessons.
This is where I stop being a therapist and start being a person. I know he is doing all the things as I therapist that I believe he should do, but I also know, because of his honesty, that he has relapsed every year since he first entered into recovery. Same acknowledgement, same immediate report to sponsor, and same right back to meetings. Because of the pattern, and my fears, I ended it with him tonight. And it sucks because aside from the relapse, I really liked this guy and he liked me. He was the nicest guy I've ever dated.
I know people can get stronger recovery than they had thru a relapse, but I also know a person in good/active recovery doesn't usually relapse. I do respect him immensely for his honesty and for getting back into a meeting, but I do not want a future where I am a bystander that gets hurt by addiction and relapses. My childhood was defined as being a bystander to my father and step-father's alcoholism. And unsurprising, I was married to an addict for 7 years. None of these men were ever active in AA/NA though. And I wouldn't have dated this guy if he weren't working an active program to begin with. This is my first time ever dating someone with an addiction past since my divorce. And I'm so confused. I honestly don't know if I ended it because I made a healthy decision or because I'm letting my fears around intimacy preventing me from giving connection a chance. I just know I don't want to repeat past lessons.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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So sorry you came looking for us but glad you found us.
I'm guessing it will take you a while to figure out the answer to your question. I know that my wife's first relapse ....what's the therapy term for it? Oh yeah, it scared the living **** out of me. In our case it would be considered a minor relapse but for the fact that she was drinking for two...
Reading between the lines, I think I hear you saying that you would be open to a relationship with an alcoholic who is deep into recovery and long sober but you are not about to jump on the merry go round of active addiction? A relapse is an event but you said it - there is a pattern and you are too well educated in this area not to find that alarming.
Sad for him, I hope it was his last relapse but who knows. Sounds like he lost a pretty smart and empathetic girl to that damned bottle.
Sorry that you are going through this.
If someone came to see you at work and related a similar story, would you question whether they were allowing fear to impact their decision or would you say it makes perfect sense to choose not to move forward under the circumstances?
Would you really question that fear or would you see it as a very rational and real fear?
....one question... So what the hell do you guys write on that damned pad in therapy? I always wonder if it is things like "patient exhibits ....". Or if it's more like "dude, this guy is psyyyyyyyyyy-cooooooo!"
Hang in there. You sound sane and rational to me... Oh crap, that might not be good news ;-)
I'm guessing it will take you a while to figure out the answer to your question. I know that my wife's first relapse ....what's the therapy term for it? Oh yeah, it scared the living **** out of me. In our case it would be considered a minor relapse but for the fact that she was drinking for two...
Reading between the lines, I think I hear you saying that you would be open to a relationship with an alcoholic who is deep into recovery and long sober but you are not about to jump on the merry go round of active addiction? A relapse is an event but you said it - there is a pattern and you are too well educated in this area not to find that alarming.
Sad for him, I hope it was his last relapse but who knows. Sounds like he lost a pretty smart and empathetic girl to that damned bottle.
Sorry that you are going through this.
If someone came to see you at work and related a similar story, would you question whether they were allowing fear to impact their decision or would you say it makes perfect sense to choose not to move forward under the circumstances?
Would you really question that fear or would you see it as a very rational and real fear?
....one question... So what the hell do you guys write on that damned pad in therapy? I always wonder if it is things like "patient exhibits ....". Or if it's more like "dude, this guy is psyyyyyyyyyy-cooooooo!"
Hang in there. You sound sane and rational to me... Oh crap, that might not be good news ;-)
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It's natural to second-guess yourself, but it sounds as if your instincts are right on. I have compassion for the relapsers in my groups (I'm in AA as well as former partner of alcoholics), but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.
I hope your friend finds lasting sobriety, but that doesn't depend on his relationship with you or with any woman--it has more to do with his relationships with himself, his HP, and with the world. I think people in the helping professions by nature want to help others. That's why you got into the profession you are in. But you certainly don't want to be a therapist in your personal relationships.
I'd wish this guy the best and move on.
I hope your friend finds lasting sobriety, but that doesn't depend on his relationship with you or with any woman--it has more to do with his relationships with himself, his HP, and with the world. I think people in the helping professions by nature want to help others. That's why you got into the profession you are in. But you certainly don't want to be a therapist in your personal relationships.
I'd wish this guy the best and move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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I also know, because of his honesty, that he has relapsed every year since he first entered into recovery. Same acknowledgement, same immediate report to sponsor, and same right back to meetings.
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Originally Posted by CarrieTX 
And I'm so confused. I honestly don't know if I ended it because I made a healthy decision or because I'm letting my fears around intimacy preventing me from giving connection a chance. I just know I don't want to repeat past lessons.
Everyone has legitimate fears around intimacy. Those of us who have been down the addictions road have very legitimate fears about getting involved with someone with an addiction, recovering or not.
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It's crazy how quickly I can slip back into old patterns. Me wanting to believe him that everything was ok now, wanting to not have to let go of something I wanted, not wanting to be disappointed, lead me back to denial, justification, etc. I kept thinking about when my exhusband was in treatment, his counselor told me "you're a perfect wife - for an addict."
It's also crazy how quickly my life can get crazy when I'm close to someone who uses. Good thing is that I have made enough progress in my own recovery that I was able to see it and choose something different.
I'd also like to say that I'm considering going back to Alanon. One of the things that I realized I missed by dating this guy was the spiritual component of Recovery.
Thank you to everyone.
It's also crazy how quickly my life can get crazy when I'm close to someone who uses. Good thing is that I have made enough progress in my own recovery that I was able to see it and choose something different.
I'd also like to say that I'm considering going back to Alanon. One of the things that I realized I missed by dating this guy was the spiritual component of Recovery.
Thank you to everyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hey CarrieTX, welcome to SR!
I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (22+ years) and recovering codependent (13+ years).
You are aware of his pattern, and are wise to see red flags on that.
I relapsed once, after 4 years clean/sober and was very grateful that I was only "out there" for two months in complete insanity before I walked up that long flight of steps to my home group. It's by God's grace I didn't die during the relapse.
Addiction is a progressive disease. I have witnessed many exhibiting the same patterns you describe, some with less sober time, some with more.
I've never seen it end well. I believe there is an invisible line where once it's crossed with one relapse too many, recovery is out of reach. There are those who just never "get it," and I have attended too many funerals over the years.
There is a gentleman in my home group who relapsed after 2 years, 3 years, and 5 years. He's still out there drinking and his last relapse was mid-year in 2012. I fear he has crossed that invisible line.
It has also been very important for me to continue my recovery in codependency because I had a broken man-picker for years after I got clean/sober. I was married to an active addict/alcoholic (now deceased) until I went through rehab in 1986. I also have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction.
Please do get back into enriching your spiritual part of recovery. I am much more centered when I do.
Please do continue to post if you feel the need, and know you have landed among friends.
I am a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (22+ years) and recovering codependent (13+ years).
You are aware of his pattern, and are wise to see red flags on that.
I relapsed once, after 4 years clean/sober and was very grateful that I was only "out there" for two months in complete insanity before I walked up that long flight of steps to my home group. It's by God's grace I didn't die during the relapse.
Addiction is a progressive disease. I have witnessed many exhibiting the same patterns you describe, some with less sober time, some with more.
I've never seen it end well. I believe there is an invisible line where once it's crossed with one relapse too many, recovery is out of reach. There are those who just never "get it," and I have attended too many funerals over the years.
There is a gentleman in my home group who relapsed after 2 years, 3 years, and 5 years. He's still out there drinking and his last relapse was mid-year in 2012. I fear he has crossed that invisible line.
It has also been very important for me to continue my recovery in codependency because I had a broken man-picker for years after I got clean/sober. I was married to an active addict/alcoholic (now deceased) until I went through rehab in 1986. I also have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction.
Please do get back into enriching your spiritual part of recovery. I am much more centered when I do.
Please do continue to post if you feel the need, and know you have landed among friends.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Thank you Freedom1990. I too believe that the line of no return exists in relapse. That belief is what made me stop and ask myself what was the chances that this was his last relapse (I know we can't ever know that), how much of my life was I willing to bet on those chances, and OMG, why was I even thinking like this. That's what lead me to pick up an alanon book last night and to post here.
I have worked so hard to better myself, and I don't want to backslide down a path I had to crawl up to begin with. I know that if this were a healthy relationship, I wouldn't have started to feel my own slip. Just disappointed.
I have worked so hard to better myself, and I don't want to backslide down a path I had to crawl up to begin with. I know that if this were a healthy relationship, I wouldn't have started to feel my own slip. Just disappointed.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Keep your chin up, gal!
You mentioned that past addicts/alcoholics in your life were never in recovery, and so you felt this last relationship was worthy of a chance as he was "active" in recovery.
It wasn't until my ex-fiance (dry drunk) walked out on me and my then 11-year-old daughter that I hit my bottom with men/relationships/sex.
In looking back, I thought that each dysfunctional relationship was okay because I would compare them to my abusive EXAH. They didn't hit me, demean me, they had a job, blah blah blah.
The truth was, I still wasn't making healthy choices for myself nor either of my daughters.
My relapse after 4 years was largely due to a serious relationship I got myself into. I rationalized that I was 4 years clean/sober, he was clean/sober 2 years, we both attended meetings, had sponsors, were working the steps, so it must be a healthy relationship, right?!
He relapsed, and at that point I was so deeply enmeshed in that relationship that I circled the drain and went down with him.
It was not worth it, and the shame and guilt were unbearable for me.
He ended up hooking up with another active/addict and married her. That was in 1986. He never made it back to recovery. He received an inheritance this past year, flew to Vegas to party, and died there from an overdose.
What a sad and tragic ending, and I am glad he is finally at peace. His demons were many.
Never again will I endanger my recovery for the sake of another. My recovery is precious to me, as I'm sure yours is to you.
As always, when I see someone getting back on track in their own recovery, it gives me hope, hope that I too can continue moving forward in my recovery.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas.
You mentioned that past addicts/alcoholics in your life were never in recovery, and so you felt this last relationship was worthy of a chance as he was "active" in recovery.
It wasn't until my ex-fiance (dry drunk) walked out on me and my then 11-year-old daughter that I hit my bottom with men/relationships/sex.
In looking back, I thought that each dysfunctional relationship was okay because I would compare them to my abusive EXAH. They didn't hit me, demean me, they had a job, blah blah blah.
The truth was, I still wasn't making healthy choices for myself nor either of my daughters.
My relapse after 4 years was largely due to a serious relationship I got myself into. I rationalized that I was 4 years clean/sober, he was clean/sober 2 years, we both attended meetings, had sponsors, were working the steps, so it must be a healthy relationship, right?!
He relapsed, and at that point I was so deeply enmeshed in that relationship that I circled the drain and went down with him.
It was not worth it, and the shame and guilt were unbearable for me.
He ended up hooking up with another active/addict and married her. That was in 1986. He never made it back to recovery. He received an inheritance this past year, flew to Vegas to party, and died there from an overdose.
What a sad and tragic ending, and I am glad he is finally at peace. His demons were many.
Never again will I endanger my recovery for the sake of another. My recovery is precious to me, as I'm sure yours is to you.
As always, when I see someone getting back on track in their own recovery, it gives me hope, hope that I too can continue moving forward in my recovery.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by CarrieTX
Thank you both for your responses. I suppose that I'm just disappointed and sad that his relapse happened. I lost something I was enjoying and was excited about.
When I started daring my AH he was sober and seemed very serious about it. Months later he relapsed. He called his sponsor and seemed sorry yet a month later he was drinking daily. I wish I had had firm boundaries then and refused to go forward until he was in active recovery and had a handle on things. Unfortunately I was far too attached to the dreams we had created and the beautiful person I thought he was, I moved in with him anyway. In the end I should have been more concerned about the beautiful person I was and what I deserve in a life partner.
Time will reveal all...see how he handles it. Is it a one time deal or is he going to slide back into active addiction? Set some boundaries you can live with. Don't let your attachment to the beautiful dreams put yourself into a situation you don't want to be in.
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This sucks. All of my codependent crap has kicked in. It's exhausting. My mind and thoughts are exhausting. I recognize this is all about me and my issues, and although I know enough not to give in to my impulsive desires for comfort, I don't know how to take control of my self and get back to where I was before I started dating him or how to use this to grow further.
And I looked for Alanon meeting but there are none today in my area.
And I looked for Alanon meeting but there are none today in my area.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think it's great that you didn't let your personal disappointment cloud your judgment (not for long, anyway).
Hope you will stick around--this is a great group!
Hope you will stick around--this is a great group!
Between your profession and personal history you have much to offer here and hopefully will take something good for yoursel.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by CarrieTX
This sucks. All of my codependent crap has kicked in. It's exhausting. My mind and thoughts are exhausting. I recognize this is all about me and my issues, and although I know enough not to give in to my impulsive desires for comfort, I don't know how to take control of my self and get back to where I was before I started dating him or how to use this to grow further.
And I looked for Alanon meeting but there are none today in my area.
And I looked for Alanon meeting but there are none today in my area.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I am so confused with you being a therapist and knowing how addicts are master manipulators and things of that nature does that mean you are as well a codependent ? Not judging I am just complezrly lost as to why you had gotten involved considering all you knw but we r human and make mistakes just glad u did make the decision t end it and mayb thats why you dated so you nw can see why you never dated one again since your divorce. either way glad ur here this really made me question this whole therapy counseling stuff...but wish u the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by CarrieTX
It's crazy how quickly I can slip back into old patterns. Me wanting to believe him that everything was ok now, wanting to not have to let go of something I wanted, not wanting to be disappointed, lead me back to denial, justification, etc. I kept thinking about when my exhusband was in treatment, his counselor told me "you're a perfect wife - for an addict."
It's also crazy how quickly my life can get crazy when I'm close to someone who uses. Good thing is that I have made enough progress in my own recovery that I was able to see it and choose something different.
I'd also like to say that I'm considering going back to Alanon. One of the things that I realized I missed by dating this guy was the spiritual component of Recovery.
Thank you to everyone.
It's also crazy how quickly my life can get crazy when I'm close to someone who uses. Good thing is that I have made enough progress in my own recovery that I was able to see it and choose something different.
I'd also like to say that I'm considering going back to Alanon. One of the things that I realized I missed by dating this guy was the spiritual component of Recovery.
Thank you to everyone.
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