363 Days Later..
363 Days Later..
:sigh:
What a hell of a ride.
Several more attempts at quitting have been unsuccessful. After 363 days of not being on SR, I'm posting here today. I quit my old major, moved back home, and started at a new school, but nothing helped. I seem to have forgotten yet again that life circumstances do not an addiction break.. it's merely the simplest of decisions to either drink or not drink on a moment by moment basis.
For the past few months, I have been drinking 12-24 beers a day, usually ending up at around an average of 18 a day. Why 18? Well, if I only bought 12, I would most likely drive to get another six pack by the time I was almost out, and 24 was usually very unpleasant to deal with the following day.
Oh did I mention my new hobby? Yeah, it's driving while completely smashed. It also involves purchasing alcohol at around 10-11pm while police officers eyeball me in the checkout line at the gas stations near my apartment. I'm really "good" at these because in the dozens of times I could (and should) have been arrested, I somehow haven't been.
Oh I have another hobby too. It's deciding which (two) of the 6 gas stations I rotate between I should go to a particular evening so that the clerk doesn't view me as an alcoholic for seeing me buy beer several times a week.
I almost forgot about my extra fun hobby for the weekends.. it's called staying in bed for 30 hours straight so I sleep through the depression of another failed attempt.
Today I had another massive craving. I spent about an hour literally yelling at myself for the ridiculous rationality my addictive voice was attempting to sway my logical mind with. This is the third day in a row that I've had this argument.. the third day of an all out battle to simply not do a specific activity. In over 21 days sober, I feel like I'm still on day 1. I.. HATE.. this.. feeling.
The most ****** up part.. in order to make this feeling stop for good, I have to let this feeling continue for now.
I can do this.
I have to do this.
What a hell of a ride.
Several more attempts at quitting have been unsuccessful. After 363 days of not being on SR, I'm posting here today. I quit my old major, moved back home, and started at a new school, but nothing helped. I seem to have forgotten yet again that life circumstances do not an addiction break.. it's merely the simplest of decisions to either drink or not drink on a moment by moment basis.
For the past few months, I have been drinking 12-24 beers a day, usually ending up at around an average of 18 a day. Why 18? Well, if I only bought 12, I would most likely drive to get another six pack by the time I was almost out, and 24 was usually very unpleasant to deal with the following day.
Oh did I mention my new hobby? Yeah, it's driving while completely smashed. It also involves purchasing alcohol at around 10-11pm while police officers eyeball me in the checkout line at the gas stations near my apartment. I'm really "good" at these because in the dozens of times I could (and should) have been arrested, I somehow haven't been.
Oh I have another hobby too. It's deciding which (two) of the 6 gas stations I rotate between I should go to a particular evening so that the clerk doesn't view me as an alcoholic for seeing me buy beer several times a week.
I almost forgot about my extra fun hobby for the weekends.. it's called staying in bed for 30 hours straight so I sleep through the depression of another failed attempt.
Today I had another massive craving. I spent about an hour literally yelling at myself for the ridiculous rationality my addictive voice was attempting to sway my logical mind with. This is the third day in a row that I've had this argument.. the third day of an all out battle to simply not do a specific activity. In over 21 days sober, I feel like I'm still on day 1. I.. HATE.. this.. feeling.
The most ****** up part.. in order to make this feeling stop for good, I have to let this feeling continue for now.
I can do this.
I have to do this.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by MrAverage
The most ****** up part.. in order to make this feeling stop for good, I have to let this feeling continue for now.
Originally Posted by MrAverage
I spent about an hour literally yelling at myself for the ridiculous rationality my addictive voice was attempting to sway my logical mind with. This is the third day in a row that I've had this argument.. the third day of an all out battle to simply not do a specific activity.
Urge surfing is helpful too.
I can do this.
Here's something you posted here a while ago:
"I won't sugarcoat the fact that if you aren't completely sure that you are ready to be done with alcohol -forever-, you will -not- recover. I'm sure most people here would agree."
10-18-2011, 08:00 AM
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3141174
"I won't sugarcoat the fact that if you aren't completely sure that you are ready to be done with alcohol -forever-, you will -not- recover. I'm sure most people here would agree."
10-18-2011, 08:00 AM
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3141174
Sounds a lot like my former hobbies. I rotated liquor stores, too. Tried not to drive when I shouldn't, but I often did.
Hang in, you know it gets better. What do you plan to do once you get through the easy part?
Hang in, you know it gets better. What do you plan to do once you get through the easy part?
The issue I have is "dismissing" the voice if I'm not prepared for it. It's about as easy as ignoring "are we there yet" repeatedly echoing from the rear of a crowded minivan, sometimes as if it were coming through a megaphone.
I tried AA, and I didn't care for it much. I don't agree with many of the core beliefs. AVRT is more in line with my current system and my religious views play the major role. That's all I will say as this is not the forum to debate the advantages or disadvantages of certain programs.
The easy part? You're funny.
When I say "the easy part," I mean that far more alcoholics manage to put the plug in the jug than manage to keep it there.
I do AA, myself, but since you are averse to that approach, how about participating in a SMART group or LifeRing or something like that? These forums help, too.
The reason I was asking about your plan was because something did not go right the first time around. Have you considered rehab? There are some that are less 12-Step focused.
I do AA, myself, but since you are averse to that approach, how about participating in a SMART group or LifeRing or something like that? These forums help, too.
The reason I was asking about your plan was because something did not go right the first time around. Have you considered rehab? There are some that are less 12-Step focused.
I'll point out for a moment that very few people successfully quit on their first attempt. There's a steep learning curve for addiction recovery, and I'm still very much a novice in the quit game. I had briefly considered rehab, but that's still in the "last resort" category.
Keep an open mind, that's all I suggest. I hope you are able to stay sober this time, the alternative prospects aren't great, as you know.
When I quit drinking (and yes, I did happen to quit completely the first time around), I had a plan B. I decided to try AA and if I found I needed more help, my fallback was rehab.
The people I know who have stayed happily and successfully sober without AA still had to make a lot of internal changes in themselves. They did it in their own way, but they still did it.
Good luck, hope things go well for you.
When I quit drinking (and yes, I did happen to quit completely the first time around), I had a plan B. I decided to try AA and if I found I needed more help, my fallback was rehab.
The people I know who have stayed happily and successfully sober without AA still had to make a lot of internal changes in themselves. They did it in their own way, but they still did it.
Good luck, hope things go well for you.
Welcome back Mr. Average. It's a little unclear If you are asking for help as you seem to be shooting down all suggestions. There are a lot of great people here and I wish you the best your recovery if that's what you choose. I also hope you can be safe in the road, remember you share it with the rest of us. Be safe and strong.
Hi Scott. I really wasn't actively asking for help in my first post. I know from previous experience that I never have to do that on these forums because it's a naturally helpful environment. I usually just like to post random rants, mostly for my own venting, but also to convey empathy and relate to what others are feeling. In addition, I'm not intentionally "shooting down" suggestions. I merely point out my experiences and opinions in a very strait-forward manner. Sometimes my direct responses may come off as standoffish, but that's not my intention.
On a side note, thank you all for the welcome backs!
On a side note, thank you all for the welcome backs!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
Good that you're back and still trying very hard. Any stretches of time in which we aren't a danger to innocents is a hugely positive thing, imo.
As you know, after the feeling really lousy part is over it gets much easier as we go along in weeks until we feel so good we're sure we've got it licked this time. And the world's a safer place for it.
As you know, after the feeling really lousy part is over it gets much easier as we go along in weeks until we feel so good we're sure we've got it licked this time. And the world's a safer place for it.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by MrAverage
The issue I have is "dismissing" the voice if I'm not prepared for it. It's about as easy as ignoring "are we there yet" repeatedly echoing from the rear of a crowded minivan, sometimes as if it were coming through a megaphone.
Yes, I know the whole megaphone effect. I have an autistic son. His echolalia...in my face...for what seems like hours...can be quite daunting. I get it dude...more than you know.
You are quite capable of doing this. I hope you find some relief. I know how exhausting it is.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 149
Welcome back and I hope you stay. I'm only on my 4th day (again), so I'm by no means a pro at this. What I am a pro at is giving in to my AV...she's a little b*tch if I do say so myself. Quite convincing as well. I hear you about the whole rotating places so no one is the wiser, and also, unfortunately driving when I've had at least a few in me. I'm also fond of the number "18" for the pretty much the same reasons you've listed. The only difference is, the reason I don't buy 24 is because then I usually only have a few in the fridge for the next day, and I'll have to go out and get more anyway, and by then, I will have had a few in me. Vicious circle.
Good luck and I hope you stay.
Good luck and I hope you stay.
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