Pumpkinjuice

Hello to whoever reads this,
I stumbled upon this site while I was searching online for help controlling my drinking. It has been difficult to find people who can relate to me on this topic. Long story short I love to drink, feel buzzed, and be drunk, but it is getting out of control lately. I am struggling to decide if I need to give it up completely, or just try harder to “control it.”

Today is my 10th day in a row of not drinking. Going without is never my problem- I can go weeks or months without drinking if I want. My problem is that probably half of the time once I start drinking, I have no off-switch. Probably averaging 1-2 times per month now I am out with friends having fun and get completely drunk and end up blacking out. I will go into the evening telling myself I will drink water, eat something, pace myself, sober up at the end, whatever strategy I have that day. But it never fails, I will be having a good time and start drinking too much too fast, and then I blackout. Whatever poor friend I am with has to babysit me and I wake up feeling miserable both mentally and physically.

I know it has always been a bit of a problem, but back in my 20s there were a lot of us who were heavy drinkers but we were just carefree and it was all in good fun. Fast forward to age 31 now and I feel like I am the only one left who still makes an ass out of myself when I go out drinking. I never get violent or angry, but I know I get sloppy and stupid. Examples: I have had to get 6 stitches for falling and splitting my head open at a party (do not remember how), I have wandered from my group in big crowds and cried to strangers for help finding them (do not remember), I have been turned away from entrances to bars for being too drunk (do not remember), I had a great guy break up with me after one night of drinking too much wine and blacking out (do not remember what I said or did- but evidently it scared him away).

Logically it sounds like I need to quit, but the thing is, I still have plenty of nights where I drink 3 or 4 beers and am responsible and can stop. It seems that it is a matter of just one or two drinks that puts me from buzzed to blackout. I have come to realize that I have zero control of stopping myself when I reach that state. Lately the blackouts are becoming scarier as far as how little I remember and how awful my body feels the next day. I lay in bed shaking and can barely get out of bed, and sometimes have to drink in the morning just to help my body feel better. My last blackout night was a few weeks ago and as I was sobering up I can remember crying in the bathroom to my best friend that “I do not want to be this way”.

I have never seriously considered giving up alcohol as much as I have the last 10 days, but I just can’t seem to commit to it completely. One day I am 100% for quitting, and the next day I start telling myself that I can try limiting myself to just 3 drinks every time I go out. But then…can I really do that? Maybe for a while, but realistically isn’t that a slippery slope into blackouts again? Then I think- what fun will my life be if I don’t drink EVER? (I have always kind of considered “the non-drinker” to be a buzzkill-stick-in-the-mud. Is that what I will become?) I know for sure that I never want to blackout EVER again, but I don’t want to live a life of depriving myself of enjoyment and fun either. I mean, how am I going to get through a first date without drinking?....or float trips? ....or to Mardi Gras? ....or St. Patrick’s Day? Yes- I know I can have fun without drinking- or will I just be faking that I am having fun?

I don't feel like I am an alcoholic or anything, but I know I am a "problem drinker" and can not keep going the way I am going. ***sigh** Can anyone relate? I would love to hear from someone who has had to struggle with this same sort of thing. Thanks in advance for listening

2granddaughters

You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump. You can get off any time.

"I can remember crying in the bathroom to my best friend that “I do not want to be this way”." Try to remember that night because it's going to get worse.

If you can drink like a normal person then do it. If you can't then you have 2 choices. 1) Stay sober 2) Be an alcoholic. Now, that's a buzz-kill !

All the best.

Bob R

Spinach

It only gets worse! Like they say It's the first drink that causes the problem.
I think you already know the answer.
No one ever likes that , to a man or woman we all want to be able to drink like others, but I know I cant and a lot of others might just agree. Best thing youve done is find this especially ten days sober.
Good luck John.

SDSurfn

I was a blackout drinker in my 30's too.

I carried on until I was 45. I'm an alcoholic and things got real bad, real dark, because that's what happens to alcoholics who continue drinking.

I rode the elevator down way too far. The good news is, you can get off now!

The bad news is, if you're an alcoholic, it will without question get worse.

I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, but I just wanted to share that your blackouts reminded me of me!

All the best going forward, and stick around here, lots of wisdom and support!

ReadyAtLast

I used to be like you. It will get worse. what looks funny at 25 makes us look a shameful,embarrassing mess at 35. Many people on here say that if you are trying to control your drinking it is already controlling you. It will get worse and worse. This is a great site with many people who've been in your shoes. Welcome,maybe read some posts.Your life can be a whole lot better without drinking, the shame, fear, anger, embarrassment,horror of what you've done when you wake up the next day

you don't need to be concerned with labels. If your drinking is causing you problems then it is a problem for you

Tamerua

I was a blackout drinker but like you, not every tim. Not even every 3rd or 4th time. But I got to a point where I was tired of being an ass that I would really only drink at home and that was so isolating. I went searching for sites too and found the AA site and when it said you don't have to feel like that as long a you don't have the first drink, I was hooked.

Best of luck!

AlisonW

Hi pumpkin juice. You sound a lot like me. Sometimes I can drink 1-3 drinks and limit it to that, other times I blackout and have ended up in situations like you described. During my most recent blackout I was arrested for DWI. I had been out to dinner with friends and planned on having a glass of wine or too.

I realize now I cannot reliably, consistently it appropriately control my drinking. At this point, I have made the decision that being able to drink isn't worth the risk of what could happen. As much as I'd love to control my drinking, I now accept this is not possible

ReadyAtLast

Me too. I started drinking at home too as it was less embarrassing. Also,as I progressed through my thirties everyone seemed to settle down and not be as keen to go out drinking. I was the one whose relationships always ended because of another drunken mess-men wisely ran away.It only took one bad episode for them to run.

Coldfusion

I just posted this in another thread--it was our inspirational reading for the day (and thanks to my wife for typing it for me). It's about "half efforts..."

Being Present

While we were working we used to have meetings once a week. I used to tell them about work. I'd say, you have to have your mind on what you're doing at all times until you finish a job or you will get hurt. Carelessness is what hurts people. makes accidents. As long as you're working at something that is real dangerous any time you go think about something else you sure will get hurt. You can move any heavy object like house or ware house or fish wheel, but you got to have your mind on it. - Goodwin Semaken, Sr., Eskimo/ Indian Elder
Yukon Territory, Alaska

Attention, presence, and noticing are all a part of living in the present. How often we try to do things with half a mind or half a heart! How often we believe that only a piece of us should suffice. We attempt to have intimate relationships in form only, and not in presence.

When we are not present to our situation, we set ourselves up to be injured, whether physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Spiritual injury is progressive. It may not show as much as physical injury, and it is cumulative.

** My lack of presence is an insult to those I love. Including myself. **

Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.

tabasco

It sounds like you are in two minds. Like all addicts. One part of your mind, the part in the morning never wants to drink again. The other part of your mind starts to talk to you during the day slowly convincing you to have another drink. Perhaps just to feel better, it will sometimes say, or even turn you into two people, "come on, LETS just have a few to take the edge off the hang over" These two minds are what AVRT explores, and shows you tools that gives the YOU part of your mind more power over the second older part of your mind which is programmed to seek pleasure at any cost.
It's very interesting stuff that I discovered on this board in the secular connections section.

Natom

You remind me of myself. When I drank or used drugs bad things would happen and I would want to stop but then a few days later I'd be off the idea. If you drink and blackout...and bad things happen, then you may be an alcoholic. You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. You just have to be allergic to the stuff. I hope you find what you're looking for whatever the case may be.

Natom.

Dee74

Hi pumpkinjuice

There's only one way to ensure you never blackout again and I think we both know what that is

I think once we start blacking out it's time to accept that we can't control our drinking and, more to that, we can't control ourselves when we blackout or the consequences that arise from that.

yes, there's a million things you can think of, a million occasions that seem improbable without a drink, and you can convince yourself life will never be the same without a drink...

but there's a lot of us here doing the recovery deal...I don't believe we still would be if we felt we lost out on the deal in any way

I love my life now, and myself and others, in a way I couldn't when I was drinking.

I hope you'll give it a try

D

tabasco

But to answer your direct question. Complete abstinence for at least 6 months is something you could commit to now and take out all risk of any blackouts in the next six months. A young women died yesterday from drink, she fell over walking home at 2.00am in England drunk, in a dress only. It was minus 3 degrees. She died in her sleep in a garden.

quitforme79

I didn't always black out either... Sometimes I could just have a few. But in my last black out I ended up in the hospital & w a DUI. I knew I was an alcoholic before that though. Only you can decide if you want to label yourself but I know in my heart that the only way I can guarantee I don't black out is by not taking that first drink. Congrats on 10 days

ScottFromWI

I think you answered your own question with this statment:

"probably half of the time once I start drinking, I have no off-switch"

I personally didn't get to the point of blackouts or some of the other severe signs, but I finally realized I have a problem when I noticed that I sometimes can't stop drinking after I start. Even though I can sometimes, sometimes I can't. I also quit for a month earlier this summer, and i'm up to day 16 now on my second attempt. But even if if it only happens every 4th or 10th time that you drink that you lose control, that told me that alcohol was controlling me, and not the other way around.

You have to decide for yourself - we cannot chose for you. But we are happy to help and offer advice and support. Keep reading and stay with us, and best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Pumpkinjuice

I can't even say how much it means to hear back from you guys. Just knowing that people can relate makes me feel better. When I try to talk to friends/family about it- they usually say "just try to cut back early" or "stop before you get too drunk". What they don't understand is- that's exactly what I have been TRYING to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But every time I blackout I know that at some point earlier that night I was "trying to control it". I think we all know the solution here and I can't really deny that my gut tells me quitting is the answer. The first 10 days haven't been too difficult, but I have been laying low and avoiding the bars. I really appreciate all your advice and kind words.

ScottFromWI

Just guessing, but they probalby can't relate because they don't have the same problem. Just like it's impossible to relate to someone with any other physical ailment if you haven't felt it yourself.

SR is a great place for support, and you may need support locally from a recovery group like AA or an equivalent. Just make a plan and stick to it, adn keep coming here if you need support.

PeacefulRain

I started getting to the point of drinking a "small" amount (for me anyway) and I wasn't blacking out but I really had to think about what I did in order to remember the next day.

When hubs and I would go out for dinner I always had 2 drinks and that was it BUT my oh my did I want more! I felt like by only having those 2 drinks I was proving I wasn't an alcoholic. That's the furthest thing from the truth!

Sazzle

Oh my goodness. That could have been me 6 months ago. There but by the grace of God ....

Pumpkin, some great advice here. It does get worse. I don't care about labels now, but I did when I first quit.

S x

Garen

It sounds like everyone else has given you some good words. Just wanted to add one thing from my own experience. You said:

"Then I think- what fun will my life be if I don’t drink EVER?"

I worried about this at first too. When I recently quit drinking for about 6 weeks (I have started again and working on round two), I went to some parties and had more fun and laughed harder than I ever did as a drinker - not to mention a working memory of the event that stays in my head to this day. Most parties when I drink, I forget most of it within a few days. My drinking habits are probably worse than yours, but thought I would share that.

I don't have any doubt anymore that quitting alcohol will enhance every single area of my life including life span. Something to think about.