Scott6433

This Weds. will be 2 months but who's counting and honestly I really haven't been. I guess I just kind of became aware of it now. About 20 years of heavy drinking, at least ten of those alcoholically, dwi, no car, no job...blah blah...pretty sure we are all familiar with the rest here. Question of the morning is, "when are you ready?" Since I quit all I have done is sit around in the safety of my apartment wearing the same pair of jeans and sweatshirt that I can only assume smell like a pile of dead bodies at this point. I wouldn't really know as I have not allowed anywhere near me for some time. I stay up all night playing online video games designed for 12 year old Asian children and I know this because this is my new social network. These are my new friends. This is what I have been "reduced" to. Living real life through this video game. I'm a level 75 archer bird with a pretty impressive skill and equipment set since you asked. I find myself learning basic life lessons for the first time. This through an online gaming community consisting of children essentially. Primal lesson about sharing, responsibility, diligence, perseverance etc. I realize in full that I am simply just hiding away from life but I am finding it nearly impossible at this point to do anything else. I realize also that it has been a relatively short period of time however there has been no "pink cloud", no feeling of betterment nor accomplishment. My body does not look nor feel any differently in fact if anything I am just starting to feel old? On the mental end of things I am beyond void. I truly feel nothing. I don't feel remorse nor regret for past actions unlike I did immensely while drinking. A very close friend of mine (40 years sober) and I guess you could call my sponsor, often quotes Dorris Day, "what will be will be"...of course this would be the antiquated version of today's @ss awful, "it is what it is..." so I do...I let all that go. My point is, honestly I just feel nothing and it just makes things feel almost surreal. I certainly don't feel like the world owes me anything I just don't know if I am ready to jump right back into a world that was apparently too much for me to handle the first time around even with my good old friend, a brand new car, good job, girl of my dreams etc?

Mark75

Well, you can continue trying to recover in a community of 12 yo asian kids who play video games... or... there is a recovery community of full grown adults who have learned how to live and enjoy life sober... AA... and it is IRL and F2F... There is a meeting near you I am sure... unless you are way up in upstate NY, and even there you can probably find one.

Here is another phrase you are gonna hate, nothing changes if nothing changes...



Seriously, and I say this with love and care... get off your @ss and make some changes...

Received

Take a shower, wash your hair, change your clothes and air out your apartment. That's a start.

Then, come back and tell us how you're feeling. My point is, start with the tiniest of changes. For me, wallowing in my drunkeness was a horrible. I made myself believe I was indifferent/numb but I was far from it.

Disclaimer: If you are really tanked, the shower might not be the way to go. But you can clean yourself up a bit and change your clothes.

Sazzle

Put your plaything in the loft or cupboard for 48 hours, turn off the tv and see what else you can do. I can get onto wallowing around all day if I don't have a plan before midday. If I'm off work the plan is as simple as going round the block for a walk. But if I don't get washed and put proper shoes on in the morning, I tend to lounge....I think it's my defult setting!

Good luck

S x

Ohio1

As a 12 year old Asian kid's rights activist, first off I am highly offended by your post.....

I can kind of identify with you- I have been a bit of a slob while drinking myself and it didn't just go away when I quit. I am trying to focus on doing basic things normal people would do, I started with "don't drink 3 bottles of red wine a night"- that was normal person thing #1. That also settled the "don't let bottles of red wine/empty 5ths of vodka pile up on your bedroom floor, a bit of a 2 birds with one stone deal lol. Now its on to brush my teeth and take a shower every day, don't let plates pile up in my kitchen, throw out expired sour cream in the fridge etc... Mundane but symbolic and important.

Believe it or not I like doing these things now, I think people are programmed to be somewhat tidy and booze/drugs can blunt these natural instincts. Try a bit of "fake it til you make it" and just pretend you are a super clean tidy guy for a few days- it seems to be working for me.

sugarbear1

try being accountable to others and get to an in person meeting....

clean the bathroom....

these little things make a huge difference!

Coldfusion

Try putting effort into SR instead of video games. You only have 43 posts here. It's positive, can take up as much time as you want, and sometimes you will read posts that tell you things like go outside and take a walk.

By the way, have you thought about going outside and taking a walk?

LDT

I'm not in AA, but the saying " nothing changes if nothing changes" has become my daily mantra. I'm constantly thinking it.

Do something small today...get out of the house. Go for a walk. Get a steaming hot cup of coffee ( or tea or whatever). Go sit by a lake. Watch a sunset ( or sunrise) Work out ( hugely beneficial to me). Treat yourself to a delicious dessert and eat it slowly. Ride a bike around the block......small things.

If you get out and get out of your own head, you may start to see a 'tinge' of that pink cloud.

escapist

I had to force myself to do things. The first few times I went to the store I talked to myself. I felt like I had gone crazy. Maybe I had. Detox really was a solitary trip for me.

I am a little further along than you and I am in a better place. It is easy to stay home in my bathrobe if not downright lazy. I feel old too.

Anyway, there is something to be said for jumping in. It does give some me optimism as I find myself succeeding in situations I thought I could'nt handle.

guskasb14

Im day 3, which generally is not hard for me. The weekends of boredom is where I stray to the bottle. I am also going through a break up, which seems to be for the best but also is tough because time involved long term talks of marriage all that good stuff. I did something I havent done in a while today. I went to a coffee shop in a town of about 1000 people. I was the only one there. I just said, I need to get out more, and for me it wasnt just about the evening, but getting out in the mornings before work.

Keep in mind this was literally 20 minutes ago......I walked out and saw the sunshine on the mountains and laughed and said man thats beautiful.....what a morning to wake up to this. I turned off the exit about .5 miles from my house and saw balancing rock cafe (theirs a balancing rock in the canyon in front of my house). I said, hmm.....balance....maybe thats a hint that I need some balance in my life. showed up ten min too early for it to open......went and cleaned out my car from trash. Got coffee and had a social interaction that showed me believe it or not, their is another person in this town I have something in common with. The 10 min conversation led to my coffee, not knowing her name, no interest in pursueing......nothing like that. Not really looking for anything, more trying to worry about me......

But deciding last night I was going to get coffee led me to.....a great conversation with a stranger, A heck of a great feeling inside, and the confidence that today already started wonderfull......and its not even past 9 am. Thats a good feeling led by the simple goal of......I need to get out of my cabin (cabin fever) slump......and start being me again.....and the baby step was....go and get coffee in the morning......

Thats the beginning of my day three! Little things......

BabyJane

I could relate to this post on some levels. I definitely never played a computer game or watched tv until I got sober. I also hide in my house sometimes - I've had days where I felt that going anywhere was going to send me into a complete panic and about ten percent of the time, the anxiety wins and I don't fight it, the rest of the time, however, I just get up and do the things I'm dreading. I've learned that sobriety is about taking action and less about listening to my irrational thoughts and negative mind at this stage of the game. So when I don't want to do anything because of fear or being tired or depression, etc. I just make myself do it anyway by reminding myself that my thoughts are just thoughts and its what I do or don't do that matters.

I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching. It's just what works for me. I suffer from very serious and debilitating depression, especially in the winter, and I've had days in and out of sobriety when I literally couldn't get out of bed. My whole body physically aches and I have no energy from no sleep and no food because I have no appetite when I'm like that. Last time I had one of those spells, I reminded myself that in order to keep it from becomming a pattern I needed to rest up for maybe one day, maybe have a good pity party, and then get the hell out of the house no matter what. I didn't think I just started taking the next indicated step : get up, get showered, brush teeth, eat, get dressed, call someone I care about, go for a walk, go to a meeting...

Also some days I make lists. Then I reward myself for getting things done off the list by allowing myself to watch a movie or play a game only AFTER that stuff gets done. It's just a matter of learning some discipline I guess although you sound like someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, like I do, and that worries me because sometimes (boy do I know this) you just CAN'T do it alone. So my other suggestion would be to see a doctor. I'm certainly not a medical professional but I think you may need that. I have been treated for it in the past and it saved my life back then.

Sorry my reply is so long. And sorry you're going through this. I do commend you for finding the good in your gaming habbit (sure it's not all bad if you are learning some things) and I commend you for staying sober despite being so down. We both know, I hope, that a drink won't fix it. Now you've got to tell yourself you deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! Life can be fun and you can be happier. I hope you wake up one day in the near future and take a few small steps toward learning to live outside of your bubble. It's worth it I promise. I've struggled so much but I would not lie to you.

Hugs

Garen

I am a little bit of a gamer too, I like playing League of Legends. But it's all after business hours... and it helps keep my lips off the wine bottle. I do not play all day though... that's an addiction by itself.

When I lost my job and was out of work for six months it was devastating for me. Work is important for a man. You've been given a lot of good advice here. Clean yourself up, find some employment, and try to talk and relate to other adults.

Delilah1

First, good for you for giving up alcohol, two months sober is a good starting out point.

I am fortunate that work and kids do not allow for much free time, but I make sure to take time for me every day too. Exercise, reading, time on here all help keep me maintain balance.

Start by taking a shower, throw on a new sweatshirt and commit to a short walk by your home. You may surprise yourself and turn that short walk into a longer one.

Then try making a plan for your future: work, classes, hobby, volunteer....

Log in later and let us know how your day went.

Natom

I played Call of Duty Mw3 obsessively. I have a gold ak47 and AS50. Sometimes you need to get out. Gaming addiction is a real thing.
Natom.

amy55

I can relate to this today. I had close to a year of not drinking. Won't call it sobriety. I really did nothing at all. I'm still not doing anything. The only clothes I really wash are my PJ's, because that is really about the only thing that I wear. It's so bad that I would only go to get my mail about 2 times a week, because I didn't want to get dressed, then I said the hell with that, and I went to get my mail in my PJ's.

So, I did have a relapse, and I am trying to stay sober, but I am doing the same things that I always did. I ISOLATE!!!!!

My neighbor had given me a really nice sign last year. Actually he is an old timer. Quit drinking 20 years or so ago. It said----- "It is what it is, but it becomes what you make it". Been thinking a lot about that recently. Today I am making up lists of things that I need to do, and things I want to do. But, I did title that list with "Get busy living, or get busy dying".

It is now after 1pm, still in my PJ's, but after this, I will shower, will put actual clothes on, and will go for that walk, even if it is just to my mailbox, or to get wood for my fire.

Then I will do at least one thing on my list, tomorrow I will do at least 2.

Oh, but I did do one thing today. It is really cold here today, and I have been thinking about this for awhile now, so I am burning the journals that I had kept when I was married. It's time to let go of the past.


Edited to add ---- Today is another 30 day mark for me, but I can't use that one. Sure I didn't drink again for 30 days, but I was not living my life. My sobriety date will be when I start to enjoy life, and I do plan on that day to be today.

So thank you for your post, it made me realize what was making me crazy.
Life doesn't just come to you, you need to go out and find it.