wpainterw

I don't think I ever really started to get into lengthy recovery until I was able to be honest with myself. The hold that alcohol had on me was such that my brain was able to devise all kinds of subterfuges which would justify resuming the drinking. In one way or another they all resolved into something like "I'm O.K. now. I can control it. I'll have only one glass of wine." And when that didn't work out and I'd been sober for awhile I'd hear that voice again, "Well last time you had a problem or two but now you're a lot better. You can have that one glass of wine and then stop."
I was never able to become honest with myself until I got into a group of recovering alcoholics. They could spot my deceptions a mile off. This was the turning point.
So I couldn't get honest with myself without a group helping me. What about you? Could you do it, maybe with the help of a counselor, or was a group necessary for you too?

W.

Dee74

I needed a reference point too.
I had no idea where my 'true north' was, not at the beginning....

I had to rely on other people for a bit.

D

escapist

Hearing others tell their stories helped me. I recognized myself in them.

ReadyAndAble

It only took about five, maybe six thousand serious attempts at moderation before I realized I should probably throw in the towel. By the time I arrived at SR, I was pretty sure I could never be a so-called normal drinker. But the people here made me realize that I was far from alone, and my experiences were perfectly normal for folks like us. They provided me with both inspiration and information. Wind to fill the sails, and stars to point the way.

JungleGirl

I agree with R&A, I felt so alone before I started reading and posting here, it was so helpful to have found people feeing the same way I did. It was a big turning point for me to say not just for now but forever I could beat this thing!

BabyJane

I needed a group for sure! I use SR and AA. I have two sponsors (one is very busy so I got a spare haha) and I work my ass off at sobriety but its worth it. I think I had trouble getting honest too and I finally realized I was going to have to dedicate myself to a total overhaul of mind and body before I could get any relief. Before that I just had to drink. I HAD to do drugs too. Either that or I was suicidal and unable to function. My anxiety was through the roof too - If I wasn't freaking out I was depressed... Totally stuck in a relapse cycle until I threw myself into the program. People can call it what they like it saves lives.

renaldo

Vocalizing my justifications or even just writing down the thought processes in full sentences puts a spotlight on how ridiculous and self deceptive they are.

wpainterw

P.S. Something else occurred to me. The group not only helped me stop lying to myself (actually I later concluded that, as AVRT maintains, the actual lying is done by one part of the brain (the primitive midbrain) to the other more rational part) but the group also helped me immensely in making available to me the wealth of experience that many of them had built up by achieving a long term recovery. And I realized that I could benefit from that even though I might not agree with every aspect of the way they went about it. Folks who may be climbing a mountain by separate paths can benefit from one another since it's after all the same mountain. There's a wealth of experience there and, as I often found, a lot of humor, support and hope. I was impressed at how often they laughed. People who can somehow return from hell and can now laugh deserve my admiration and astonished respect.

W.

Ruffian

Without going into too much detail about my personal life, there are some things that I just physically can't do that other people can do with ease. You wouldn't tell it to look at me, to work with me, or even to be my friend for an extended period of time. I'm healthy-looking and in shape. But occasionally people will ask me to do something on my "can't do" list and I'll have to turn it down.

I'm starting to look at drinking the same way. Whatever alcohol does to my body doesn't mesh well with it, and I shouldn't drink it. There are lots of other people who can drink it - and I guess I could feel that that's unfair, and that hey, I should be able to drink it too - but I can't.

So too bad for me. I have two choices - I can feel jealous and resentful, and try to drink anyway, or I can accept being a non-drinker as simply being a part of who I am, file it alongside the other flaws and limitations about myself that I've come to accept, and focus on all of the amazing things that I can do. I'm working on doing the latter.

At this point in my life, I'll never become an NFL quarterback, speak fluent Norwegian, become a neurosurgeon, or win the Tour de France (with or without steroids). I'm totally cool with all these things. Why not simply add drinking to the list?

chicory

So true!

William,
They also offer hope to the suffering , that better times do lie ahead, that you can find happiness again.

Did wisdom make you humble enough to listen to others? Or was it desperation that made you reach out? I think it takes a lot of 'smarts' to admit you don't know how to do something- then can you open your ears and hear truth.

hugs
chicory


W.[/QUOTE]

Weasel1966

One thing that struck me with the title is getting honest.... My trouble was staying honest. Just like you describe I would go back and forth with what I thought being honest was.

I honestly thought I could handle drinking. I was certainly honest at that moment.

I honestly know I cannot drink ever. I am certain about that as well.

When I think I am being honest now about almost anything I take my time over time to really see if I am manipulating myself.

I am capable of being honest and am but dealing with drinking and drugs its a very different kind of honesty. For me anyway.

Honestly? I cannot drink.... Ever.

wpainterw

Chicory asked:
"Did wisdom make you humble enough to listen to others? Or was it desperation that made you reach out?"

Oh it was desperation, pure and simple! Certainly not "wisdom". Alcoholism is an illness which cannot be remedied even by hitting a fellow over the head with a rock. It took someone to say to me, "You're going to die- soon, and in a very painful and unpleasant way." and back that up with lab results, to get my attention. To paraphrase Dr. Johnson, "There's nothing that focusses a man's mind so much as the certainty that he's going to be hung in the morning." There's "wisdom" for you!


W.

chicory

Hey, thank God for lab tests then!

I am glad you are here. You are a comfort, and a rock. I could read your posts all day. ever think of writing a book William?

hugs

soberclover

This thread was a really strong reminder to me that I must continue to be truly honest with myself about the reality that I cannot ever drink again. Once upon a time that concept really scared me but I've scared myself more now that I've wrapped my car around a tree and been hospitalized twice within the past two years all due to my drinking.

SavingSelf

Thanks for this post. I think coming here and going to AA meetings have been helpful because of the "group" aspect of it. It helps remind me that even almost 90 days later--I'm still an alcoholic and still won't ever be able to drink moderately again.

wpainterw

Chicory asked: "ever think of writing a book William?" Yes, I've written a few, none about booze, but about other stuff that's now so out of date that one of them (which went through three editions and was in print for thirty years), is now available for one penny a copy. There are no buyers. These books are heavy and quite useful as doorstops. There's humility for you!

W.

chicory

I need a doorstop, and I would like to read it first.
Can these books still be had? how awesome you are a published writer. I knew you were talented.

hugs
chicory

Lyoness

I'm pretty new to recovery so think I am still learning the honesty aspects. So far SR, my counselor and my suboxone doctor have been helping me stay honest in different ways.

One moment that really hit me hard was day two of my suboxone switchover when my doc sat me down and said to me that it would be really important for me to tell every doctor, dentist, er doc, etc, that I am an addict because it is easier for them to prevent problems rather than deal with them later. I don't know why, but in that instant, I really got that I was a serious, for real drug addict. That I couldn't fool myself anymore, or keep questioning if I was really an addict (even though I injected drugs!). That moment, for some reason, just crystallized my reality for me and I am so thankful for it, for him saying that. (And yes I did tell him.)