Is all this guilt normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Is all this guilt normal?
I still love my husband, despite the past two years of drinking and lies (the lies were far worse in my opinion). When I discovered just last week that he had been hiding drinking from me for months, pretending he was having a bad case of "PAWS" nonetheless, I told myself "this is it" I asked him to move out. He agreed it was best. We even had a good (sober) talk about it. But I feel like I gave up on him. Like I'm abandoning him when he needs me most. I know this isn't rational because his psychiatrist said that its his battle to fight alone. But I still feel this immense guilt. Like I failed as a wife. I still care about him deeply. The first four years of our marriage he was sober, and those were the happiest years of my life. I mourn the loss of that life. I can't believe its come to this.
Is feeling so guilty in this situation normal? I'm going to check out an al-anon meeting Wednesday. It will be my first time. I hope it helps.
Is feeling so guilty in this situation normal? I'm going to check out an al-anon meeting Wednesday. It will be my first time. I hope it helps.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
The guilt is, unfortunately, normal. AlAnon helps a lot with that.
The truth of the matter is that you can't fix it, he has to fix it, and all our believing tends to hurt their resolve to get better because we keep giving them a soft place to land.
He has to want to get better if he's going to get better. And often times they don't stand a chance of wanting to get better as long as we stick around. And when we go they stand a chance, still, of just finding someone else who will "enable" their disease the way we did.
It stinks, but it is what it is.
The truth of the matter is that you can't fix it, he has to fix it, and all our believing tends to hurt their resolve to get better because we keep giving them a soft place to land.
He has to want to get better if he's going to get better. And often times they don't stand a chance of wanting to get better as long as we stick around. And when we go they stand a chance, still, of just finding someone else who will "enable" their disease the way we did.
It stinks, but it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Well... I think there is normally a lot of guilt when you end any relationship.
I did feek like my axbf was prone to laying guilt trips on me. He was also prone to shaming me. End result was I felt like I was the horrible person, even when he lied and broke all of the promises he made.
I did feek like my axbf was prone to laying guilt trips on me. He was also prone to shaming me. End result was I felt like I was the horrible person, even when he lied and broke all of the promises he made.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, the guilt is normal. Yes, Al-Anon will probably help.
You are doing really the only thing you can do at this point. I'm assuming you don't want a marriage with a sick person who will get steadily worse unless he takes steps to recovery from his illness.
I separated from two alcoholics. One chose recovery, got well, and is now sober for 33 years (continuously). We married after he got sober, but are no longer married. We are, however, great friends. The second alcoholic never recovered, and is still drinking himself to death, so far as I know.
I don't believe my decision to leave my first husband caused him to choose sobriety. I do know that I got out of his way so he could decide for himself, because my nagging and tears sure didn't do it. I don't believe my decision to leave my second husband caused him to drink in despair. He was drinking before I left, I got out of HIS way so he could decide, and he decided to continue to drink. I'm sorry he made that decision, but glad I was out of it.
You are doing really the only thing you can do at this point. I'm assuming you don't want a marriage with a sick person who will get steadily worse unless he takes steps to recovery from his illness.
I separated from two alcoholics. One chose recovery, got well, and is now sober for 33 years (continuously). We married after he got sober, but are no longer married. We are, however, great friends. The second alcoholic never recovered, and is still drinking himself to death, so far as I know.
I don't believe my decision to leave my first husband caused him to choose sobriety. I do know that I got out of his way so he could decide for himself, because my nagging and tears sure didn't do it. I don't believe my decision to leave my second husband caused him to drink in despair. He was drinking before I left, I got out of HIS way so he could decide, and he decided to continue to drink. I'm sorry he made that decision, but glad I was out of it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
This is from one of our sticky posts, concerning guilt:
3. Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
Here is the link to that article, if you wish to do further reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
3. Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
Here is the link to that article, if you wish to do further reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I think guilt is very normal to the non-partner in the relationship. That is what keeps us holding on. At least for me it was. i thought he is sick. How can I abandon him when he is sick. It didnt matter, that he screamed and cussed me out.....that he lied to me constantly....that he cheated on me continiuosly.....etc.
This man is sick. What kind of a person would walk out on another person when they are sick?
I hope you are able to stay strong and work past the guilt!!!!!! You have nothing to be guilty about.
This man is sick. What kind of a person would walk out on another person when they are sick?
I hope you are able to stay strong and work past the guilt!!!!!! You have nothing to be guilty about.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
The guilt is a tough thing. I'm in the middle of divorcing my AW & at times I feel overwhelmed with guilt. Like Lynnrae said, What kind of a person would leave someone who is sick? That's a killer. I think for me the guilt comes from a place of feeling helplessness. I am helpless over this monster that took my wife. But I think I need to start thinking of it as being powerless over the monster. I cannot defeat it but I can admit defeat & fight the battle to take care of myself. My sponsor recently asked me what if I found out that leaving her was something that would help her find recovery? Would I feel guilty then? No I wouldn't. I don't know what it will take for her to find recovery, if anything at all. So if I stay with her with all the cheating, lying & sneaking around, I am not helping her find recovery anymore than if I leave her. It was a VERY tough, gut-wrenching & personal decision to make. When I feel guilty I allow myself to feel it & know that the guilt & sadness will be brief in the big scheme of things. Feelings are feelings & we can't stop them from coming, but we can control what we do with them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly, OhBoy. That feeling of helplessness, though, is exactly why we shouldn't feel guilty. It's not as if there were something we could do to help them if we stayed.
It's completely different to think about leaving someone who has no ability to do anything to recover (e.g., someone suffering from cancer or another incurable disease), and who would actually benefit from our help.
It's completely different to think about leaving someone who has no ability to do anything to recover (e.g., someone suffering from cancer or another incurable disease), and who would actually benefit from our help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
I stayed with my now XAH for 17 years, all out of guilt, I was in a FOG, well he stop drinking, then he left.....he did not have guilt, he had to take care of himself and I was so sick that I did not realized how much he did for me by leaving. Now I am getting well, I have no idea what he is doing, but I know now that we do for some people what they will NOT do for us. Yes guilt is a wasted emotion!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
I know that my bf felt the same way when we split up and moved out (we are back together now). He didnt want to abandon me, yet hated all my lies and I dont blame him.
I do know this: I would NOT have gotten better if we didnt break up and I didnt get on the road to recovery for myself. Also, I was so toxic back then that looking back Im glad he got away from it as I do love him, I just didnt fully realize the extent I was hurting him at the time.
Look after yourself....a grieving process is normal I think.
I do know this: I would NOT have gotten better if we didnt break up and I didnt get on the road to recovery for myself. Also, I was so toxic back then that looking back Im glad he got away from it as I do love him, I just didnt fully realize the extent I was hurting him at the time.
Look after yourself....a grieving process is normal I think.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
I was wondering why you FEEL guilty..? because you are taking care of you first? but Pelican beat me too it..
I wonder why I got sucked into all of this guilt sometimes...
how unfair is it for the alcoholic to emotionally abuse me, be unreliable and dishonest yet turn the tables around on me so that I feel like the bad one?
Why have I done so much crying over the hurtful things he said to me, accusing me of being a bad relationship partner, etc.?
My therapist says I am very susceptible to the guilt trip, probably because my self esteem is already low.
Someday I will see the wisdom of letting all this go...
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
keep reading as much as you can on Codependent issues and so forth...work on you, and understand you...
STAND TALL because you are worthy of something good....ps. Ma always taught me to wear a smile AND fake till you make it...(and its amazing how many smiles you get back)
STAND TALL because you are worthy of something good....ps. Ma always taught me to wear a smile AND fake till you make it...(and its amazing how many smiles you get back)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Thanks everyone for all the kind words. You are all correct of course. I just had a good cry reading everyones posts. Very therapeutic. I just have to remember to hold my head up high and do whats best for ME. 
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