Going Sober and an Introduction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
Going Sober and an Introduction
Hello everyone. I am unsure as to whether introductions are allowed on this forum, maybe I chose the wrong area so I imagine someone can move it if I have. This may be quite long as I feel a need to get this all out as no one knows I have this problem and I don't want them to know either.
When I first started drinking it was just with friends, I didn't drink a lot actually. I know saying "I enjoy the taste" is often looked at as if it's some form of denial but the truth is I really do love the taste of wine and beer, I was never into the spirits. At first I would only drink maybe 2 bottles of beer, then as I grew older I would drink more. I really loved the taste of red wine and got into it in a heavy way.
Of course dependence snuck up on me. Originally it was about the taste but then I started using it to relax, any stress would trigger me to crack open a new bottle. At first it was 1 bottle of wine, then it was 1 bottle every night, then 2 bottles. I realised I had a problem when I rolled out of bed one morning and there was a drop of wine left in a bottle on the desk. I drank it, only about a small glass full but that's not the point. I needed to drink it and afterwards I felt ashamed of myself.
I put it out of my mind that day and got myself a couple of bottles for the night, somehow I forgot what had happened that morning. My drinking has continued and I'm now 28. I am not sure how I got away with it without anyone noticing. I suppose I only drink in the evenings, after that one morning incident I no longer drink in the mornings, athough weekends are an exception, I think that's how I've been so good at preventing anyone finding out.
Anyway I live with my parents and I have asked them what they think and they said they never really noticed any drinking problems. Maybe some denial there or maybe I just did hide it well. I haven't told anyone else and I'm hoping the anonymity of an internet forum can help keep me sober. Actually my parents don't know I have the problem, I asked them in a passing way if they thought I drank too much rather than an all out confession. I was surprised they said no.
First attempts
My first try at going sober was last year, around March, I made it 3 days before withdrawal scared me back to the bottle. I carried on drinking for about 2 months then quit again. This time I made it a week before lapsing. I was getting pretty sad at that stage, the drinking was shameful in itself but failing to quit really brought home how much of a problem it is and that made me feel worse. Drinking is definitely the source rather than a symptom of my problems.
The next time I tried to quit was the start of November and despite the horrible withdrawal (no sleep, anxiety/panic attacks, racing heart, night sweats) I managed to ride it out. I was sober for a whole 2 months and I noticed a very clear improvement in both my physical health and general wellbeing. Mentally I felt clearer, sharper, I wasn't even feeling low as I often would in the mornings after drinking. The only mental symptom was a touch of anxiety which would ebb and flow, likely my brain was getting it's chemistry into balance afer years of alcohol abuse.
During this time I went to 2 birthdays parties, a wedding and christmas, all without drinking! As no one knew I am an alcoholic they offered me drinks and I kept turning them down. It was hard but I was so proud of myself.
Then new year came.
At new year I had that thought which I think many of you can relate to. "It's only one, and hey it's new year". So I downed one, followed by 2 more and well you get the picture. I've been drinking since then every day and I know I need to stop.
So it seems each time I quit I last a little longer, but until now I've been going it alone. This may be an online forum, anonymous, but you all know what it's like and I think it would be good to talk to some of you during those tempting moments. I'm not religious so the 12 steps won't be applicable for me.
Getting this out really has helped already. I had my last drink 3 hours ago. Only half a bottle of wine tonight, the other half got dumped down the toilet. I reached to fill up my glass and just realised it has to stop. It felt quite good tipping it away although there was some fear there. I think it's fear of the withdrawal, actually when I think about it that triggers another little wave. It was horrible last time, especially the anxiety. I just keep reminding myself that if it comes it comes and it will pass. I never suffered delireum tremens or whatever it's called.
I look forward to hearing from you guys, and reading your stories has already been a great help.
When I first started drinking it was just with friends, I didn't drink a lot actually. I know saying "I enjoy the taste" is often looked at as if it's some form of denial but the truth is I really do love the taste of wine and beer, I was never into the spirits. At first I would only drink maybe 2 bottles of beer, then as I grew older I would drink more. I really loved the taste of red wine and got into it in a heavy way.
Of course dependence snuck up on me. Originally it was about the taste but then I started using it to relax, any stress would trigger me to crack open a new bottle. At first it was 1 bottle of wine, then it was 1 bottle every night, then 2 bottles. I realised I had a problem when I rolled out of bed one morning and there was a drop of wine left in a bottle on the desk. I drank it, only about a small glass full but that's not the point. I needed to drink it and afterwards I felt ashamed of myself.
I put it out of my mind that day and got myself a couple of bottles for the night, somehow I forgot what had happened that morning. My drinking has continued and I'm now 28. I am not sure how I got away with it without anyone noticing. I suppose I only drink in the evenings, after that one morning incident I no longer drink in the mornings, athough weekends are an exception, I think that's how I've been so good at preventing anyone finding out.
Anyway I live with my parents and I have asked them what they think and they said they never really noticed any drinking problems. Maybe some denial there or maybe I just did hide it well. I haven't told anyone else and I'm hoping the anonymity of an internet forum can help keep me sober. Actually my parents don't know I have the problem, I asked them in a passing way if they thought I drank too much rather than an all out confession. I was surprised they said no.
First attempts
My first try at going sober was last year, around March, I made it 3 days before withdrawal scared me back to the bottle. I carried on drinking for about 2 months then quit again. This time I made it a week before lapsing. I was getting pretty sad at that stage, the drinking was shameful in itself but failing to quit really brought home how much of a problem it is and that made me feel worse. Drinking is definitely the source rather than a symptom of my problems.
The next time I tried to quit was the start of November and despite the horrible withdrawal (no sleep, anxiety/panic attacks, racing heart, night sweats) I managed to ride it out. I was sober for a whole 2 months and I noticed a very clear improvement in both my physical health and general wellbeing. Mentally I felt clearer, sharper, I wasn't even feeling low as I often would in the mornings after drinking. The only mental symptom was a touch of anxiety which would ebb and flow, likely my brain was getting it's chemistry into balance afer years of alcohol abuse.
During this time I went to 2 birthdays parties, a wedding and christmas, all without drinking! As no one knew I am an alcoholic they offered me drinks and I kept turning them down. It was hard but I was so proud of myself.
Then new year came.
At new year I had that thought which I think many of you can relate to. "It's only one, and hey it's new year". So I downed one, followed by 2 more and well you get the picture. I've been drinking since then every day and I know I need to stop.
So it seems each time I quit I last a little longer, but until now I've been going it alone. This may be an online forum, anonymous, but you all know what it's like and I think it would be good to talk to some of you during those tempting moments. I'm not religious so the 12 steps won't be applicable for me.
Getting this out really has helped already. I had my last drink 3 hours ago. Only half a bottle of wine tonight, the other half got dumped down the toilet. I reached to fill up my glass and just realised it has to stop. It felt quite good tipping it away although there was some fear there. I think it's fear of the withdrawal, actually when I think about it that triggers another little wave. It was horrible last time, especially the anxiety. I just keep reminding myself that if it comes it comes and it will pass. I never suffered delireum tremens or whatever it's called.
I look forward to hearing from you guys, and reading your stories has already been a great help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Davey 
I can really relate to a lot in your post. Except I drank a lot straight away cos I liked the feeling. I always said I loved the taste of beer but I loved the fact I could drink a whole load of it without blacking out more.
But no one I know seems to have been aware I had a drinking problem, not even friends I drank with, not family and not even work despite turning up late frequently smelling of beer. I don't know if people just don't like to admit there's a problem or if they are saving it for gossiping or what. But it's irrelevant really. You know it's a problem and you're the only one who can do anything about it. With support from all your new SR friends that is
This really is a fab place and you'll find lots of support here. Don't be afraid to get more if you need it too. There are groups like SMARTrecovery too and other secular groups around, and AA is good for just the fellowship itself. If you haven't already noticed it I'd recommend joining the Class of January thread too. Having support from other alcoholic is really useful and even though SR is online it still helps keep us accountable.
Oh and a trip to the doctors maybe...?
Glad you're here x
I can really relate to a lot in your post. Except I drank a lot straight away cos I liked the feeling. I always said I loved the taste of beer but I loved the fact I could drink a whole load of it without blacking out more.
But no one I know seems to have been aware I had a drinking problem, not even friends I drank with, not family and not even work despite turning up late frequently smelling of beer. I don't know if people just don't like to admit there's a problem or if they are saving it for gossiping or what. But it's irrelevant really. You know it's a problem and you're the only one who can do anything about it. With support from all your new SR friends that is
This really is a fab place and you'll find lots of support here. Don't be afraid to get more if you need it too. There are groups like SMARTrecovery too and other secular groups around, and AA is good for just the fellowship itself. If you haven't already noticed it I'd recommend joining the Class of January thread too. Having support from other alcoholic is really useful and even though SR is online it still helps keep us accountable.Oh and a trip to the doctors maybe...?
Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
First, welcome to SR! Your story sounds very much like where I was the night if October 11th. I decided that night that something needed to change and dumped the rest of the bottle of wine the next morning. (It was a large bottle, and there was not much left).
This site has been my greatest support. You will find lots of wise people on here ready to listen and offer advice. The first few days are the hardest, something about Day 3 for me was particularly difficult.
I stuck close to SR in the beginning, and still check in daily to see how everyone is doing.
Waking up sober is definitely worth it, I was 41 when I finally decided that the daily drinking needed to stop, I wish I was 28. Looking forward to seeing you on here, and supporting you with your journey!
This site has been my greatest support. You will find lots of wise people on here ready to listen and offer advice. The first few days are the hardest, something about Day 3 for me was particularly difficult.
I stuck close to SR in the beginning, and still check in daily to see how everyone is doing.
Waking up sober is definitely worth it, I was 41 when I finally decided that the daily drinking needed to stop, I wish I was 28. Looking forward to seeing you on here, and supporting you with your journey!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 347
Thanks for the welcome, to address a couple of points.
I don't think I need the doctor and I can't go to mine about this as the receptionists all know my family and will see my notes. They are bound to keep things private but as I know them all I don't want them knowing this about me. I may go to the doctor for a general check up and ask for some liver function tests just in case. If I also ask for a thyroid and immune test it might cover my motives. I'll just tell him I'm feeling a bit fatigued or something.
Yeah day 3 did seem to be the day that things really kicked in for me the 2 previous times I quit. I noticed a pattern, the first day I slowly feel better and better and I think it approaches what psychologists would call mania. Everything is great, music sounds fantastic, the world is beautiful lol. I already feel that coming on. As the sleep deprivation sets in I start feeling the anxiety/panic which reaches the worst point on days 3 and 10. After that last time it slowly got better. I think after a month I noticed an incredible benefit, 2 months a lot more.
The anxiety was terrible though. Several times I picked up the phone to call an ambulance because of the anxiety, it made me think I was going to die and then the thoughts started going round and round, which I now understand is a common thing in anxiety. I thought I was going nuts, then I panicked because I thought what if I hurt someone else, or myself! I won't act on such thoughts of course. I feel awful for people who suffer such anxiety on a daily basis. I suppose I'm lucky that it only happens to me during the withdrawal. I will just do what I did last time and repeat to myself that it will pass and i'll feel normal again.
I ended up calling Smamaritans last time. I don't know if thy operate outside the UK but they're a 24 hour helpline for anyone to discuss anything and during the orst of the anxiety they helped me through. I rememebr lying on the hard floor of the kitchen, phone to my ear just trying to get my heart to slow down and he anxiety to pass. It took half an hour but finally I got a handle on it.
I need to do this now because I think I can avoid the serious long term damage if I stay abstinent and so far it hasn't damaged my personal life but I know that is only a matter of time. It can' stay hidden forever and as I understand it, the longer I drink the higher the chances or long term damage.
I don't think I need the doctor and I can't go to mine about this as the receptionists all know my family and will see my notes. They are bound to keep things private but as I know them all I don't want them knowing this about me. I may go to the doctor for a general check up and ask for some liver function tests just in case. If I also ask for a thyroid and immune test it might cover my motives. I'll just tell him I'm feeling a bit fatigued or something.
Yeah day 3 did seem to be the day that things really kicked in for me the 2 previous times I quit. I noticed a pattern, the first day I slowly feel better and better and I think it approaches what psychologists would call mania. Everything is great, music sounds fantastic, the world is beautiful lol. I already feel that coming on. As the sleep deprivation sets in I start feeling the anxiety/panic which reaches the worst point on days 3 and 10. After that last time it slowly got better. I think after a month I noticed an incredible benefit, 2 months a lot more.
The anxiety was terrible though. Several times I picked up the phone to call an ambulance because of the anxiety, it made me think I was going to die and then the thoughts started going round and round, which I now understand is a common thing in anxiety. I thought I was going nuts, then I panicked because I thought what if I hurt someone else, or myself! I won't act on such thoughts of course. I feel awful for people who suffer such anxiety on a daily basis. I suppose I'm lucky that it only happens to me during the withdrawal. I will just do what I did last time and repeat to myself that it will pass and i'll feel normal again.
I ended up calling Smamaritans last time. I don't know if thy operate outside the UK but they're a 24 hour helpline for anyone to discuss anything and during the orst of the anxiety they helped me through. I rememebr lying on the hard floor of the kitchen, phone to my ear just trying to get my heart to slow down and he anxiety to pass. It took half an hour but finally I got a handle on it.
I need to do this now because I think I can avoid the serious long term damage if I stay abstinent and so far it hasn't damaged my personal life but I know that is only a matter of time. It can' stay hidden forever and as I understand it, the longer I drink the higher the chances or long term damage.
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