Weasel1966

Spending every dime on drinking and drugs.
Having to go to the bank to cover bills I should have had the money for.
Calling in sick because of panic attacks.
My breath smelling like alcohol the next morning still drunk from the night before.
Heart racing for days.
Hand shaking and trying to hide it at work.
The self loathing.... Oh the self loathing!
Thinking I was funny at the bar when in fact I was an ass.
Planning around my drinking and still often missing what was planned.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

I simply don't have the strength to give up again.

hypochondriac

Never give up giving up The language around it all is so confusing. I don't like thinking about giving up drinking because you don't give up anything, nothing worthwhile anyway. Look at it as gaining sobriety x Have you got a plan for staying sober this time Ken? x

escapist

Ken I am really feeling you right now. I just want to tell you it will be alright. I don't know how you can handle looking at the person who battered you. I would want to drink at the sound of their voice. That's me though. You are in a tough spot no matter how it looks on the outside. I hope you work it out. I do know drinking is not the answer.

Weasel1966

Hypo.... My plan is solid. It's the execution of it I failed at. I got overwhelmed and intensely upset. So it is. Never an excuse.

Escapist... It is tough. I love deep when I do. In speaking with someone last nigh it made it all so real again. Seeing the reaction in him upset me. He gave me good advice. It will get better. I will make it that way. What other choice is there. Like I said. I don't have the strength to go backward.

vegibean

Hopefully you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. Things can get so much worse.

We're here for you, hope you get some rest tonight. :ghug3

hypochondriac

I know the feeling. Could you get any extra support? x

Weasel1966

Lol.... That was getting support. I don't mention it except under rare occasions. And telling the story last night was breaking ground. I am working the issue. I think of it every day. Many times a day. Not sure how long that will last.

I see my therapist Thursdays.

I just need to keep at my sobriety. Stay active with friends. Do project that bring me joy. Things will get better. I wanna have some fun if I can making it better. We shall see huh?

Drinking is not on the fun list. That sucked from beginning to end last night. No reason to go there again. No matter how much my brain says it wants it.

hypochondriac

Are you still going to AA too? I'm not advocating it, I'm all over the place, but I know it helps to get as much support as you can. Reach out before you pick up x

NewHouse2012

What serves as healthy coping mechanisms when we are feeling emotionally vulernable other than drinking? I think it's a real issue that people struggle with. It frustrates me to no end.

Fallow

I dont have the strength to quit again I know that now. Im glad you made it back so fast. Drinking is what we do so no reason to feel bad. I doubt I could get back so quick if I started drinking again. Im wondering how you felt just before and after you had that first drink? You have all the tools in place, have you made a decision that drinking is not an option?

Thanks for coming back and letting us know what happened Ken. This thing is scary to deal with and I know Ive got to stay vigilant..

Weasel1966

Fallow. I reacted. No thinkin involved. I regret using drinking like I did but stopped quickly once I started. I got scared to be honest.

I have made the decision and don't want to go back on it again. I really don't have the strength to fail. It's to hard. That's not a funny way to say it its fact. It takes to much out of me to continue drinking.

DIYman

One thing that might help is to promise yourself that when/if you feel confident again, you'll re-read this thread before doing anything.