ReflectingOnMe

I am being active in learning more about myself, my wants, my needs, what I will and will not accept. Working on defining my boundries. I am just curious, is being a codie a life long ailment/disorder/trait or is it more of a habit? Is it something that once worked through, you are on the other side of it and no longer fall under the terminology of being codependant?

I haven't read "codependant no more" (next on my list) currently reading "Breaking the Betrayal Bond".

Thanks for the input gang..

LaTeeDa

I believe codependence is about behaviors. So, while certain traits manifest in codependent behaviors, those traits can also manifest in positive ways. I think it is entirely possible to change the destructive, harmful behaviors.

L

m1k3

My feeling is that once I developed codie behaviors I will always have a tendency towards that type of behavior. It simply means that I need to be mindful of my behaviors and take my time to choose how to respond rather than simply react.

Which when you get down to it is a smart way to live whether or not I am a codie. In Buddhist terms it is referred to living skillfully.

Your friend,

Florence

Ugh, it took me long enough to see myself in the description of codependency. I could see it in others long before I saw it in myself.

Like Mike, I think we will have a predilection to lean codie in crises and in relationships because these are our first or primary behaviors for coping. For example, I had a pretty major "codie relapse" this weekend when I got majorly stressed out. I should have HALTed but instead I reacted poorly, lashed out in anger, and was generally a total basket case, crying, fatalistic. This was a legitimate life issue, not something dramatic or stupid, but it was also something that did not need to be addressed immediately and could wait a few days while I figured out what to do mindfully. Instead I flipped and ruined my own day, and probably a couple of other people's days. I immediately started in with the "You're not good enough" routine, beating myself up and really digging into the stinking thinking.

Ironically, I spent the early part of the day reading up on happiness studies and feeling pretty smug about how far I'd come in my own recovery. Ha.

The difference between me today and me 2-3 years ago is that today I see this behavior for what it is, I came back and made some apologies and made whatever things right that I could, I reflected on where I went wrong (ignored the "ALT" in HALT"), and generally took stock of where I've been and where I want to go. Self-care is huge -- I can't not need my needs. I require feeling safe and solid to go about my life, and I've learned I can give myself those feelings of safety and stability. But I do have to practice this and not let it slide. I'm quitting smoking and the drugs messed with me and I got out of my meditation routine. Not good, but I'm correcting it.

You know, all behaviors can be learned and unlearned. We're remarkably elastic creatures and have the ability to change and bounce back. I also know the desire to "live skillfully" or "live mindfully" is one that a lot of people have, not just codependents.

ReflectingOnMe

"Ugh, it took me long enough to see myself in the description of codependency. I could see it in others long before I saw it in myself. "

Me too; I was in major denial. I don't like having control and I don't like taking care of people - so I figured I couldn't possibly be codependent; but I exhibit low self esteem and compliance patterns.

FireSprite

I agree with this & a lot of what the others said in addition to this. I also believe that sometimes when it starts in early childhood (children of A's for instance, although I believe many different types of dysfunctional families foster the development of the same basic codependent behavior) the codie behavior can be rooted deeper & harder to identify/separate as a result. Becoming aware of it allows us to learn & apply new behaviors & by clearing out that negative codie energy internally, we allow more positive experiences to occur.

MamaKit

I also agree with LaTeeDa's sentiments. I believe that the traits that made us susceptible to codependency can also be admirable traits. For me, I think I really want to believe the best about others and that deep down people are good with good intentions. This same trait also made it convenient for me to ignore reality and bad behaviors. I would focus on the positive ones even thought they only made up 10 % of the whole.

I found myself falling into this pattern this weekend. Thankfully, I took time to be mindful of my circumstances and questioned my own reasoning. MY STBAXH had a very good visit with our boys this weekend and was even cordial to me in email communications. This could be true progress in our new relationship as divorcing spouses or it could be manipulation by him just prior to our second mediation (hoping I will fall into similar patterns of pity and caretaking). Regardless, my objectives are unchanged. I found myself feeling pity and wanting to go easy on him (forgiving him for not paying any of the child support he owes and not giving my side of the story about his substance abuse to the counselor who will write a report to be shown in court). I recognized that harmful tendency of mine and chose to not go that route. Felt pretty good.

So for me, I think I will always have the foundation to be a codie - but I have the power and the choice not to go there.

Hugs,
MamaKit

MsPINKAcres

I heard a speaker once say that "knee jerk" reaction may always be with us - but the longer and the harder we practice our program of recovery - the more seconds that pass between the time that we have to think before that "knee jerk" action comes to mind ~

Many times the "codie" thoughts, actions and feelings are still a part of me - but recovery steps in a says ~ wait - are you sure this is the healthiest thing for everyone involved? maybe you should take a step back and see what options and choices you have before making a decision ~

So will those thoughts ever go away - for me probably not, but the ability to choose something healthier I think will stay with me as long as I continue my recovery path ~

just my e, s, & h ~

pink hugs

LifeRecovery

I look at recovery as expanding my options (similar to what others have stated).

Prior to working my recovery I had well worn paths of behavior. Now I have some new paths which I can also choose.

In times of stress and panic I may try to resort to the old pathways, but I now have options, choices and the freedom that results from those.

Audrey1

I must admit, I sometimes feel (pointlessly) resentful towards my RABF for making me codependent as a result of his alcoholism... when I finally and painfully admitted to myself that that is what I am.

But in actual fact, looking back I was codependent for a lot of my life. It just manifested itself in different ways, mostly in terms of always wanting to please and sacrificing my own desires for others. My mother told me recently I never cried or threw tantrums as a child. Probably didn't want to upset her!

I guess one of the reasons I get so angry is that I had a major breakthrough in the years after my late BF died, and started to see that the way I chose to handle situations always seemed to be to my detriment. I hadn't read or even heard about codependence by that stage, but was slowly becoming free of it and making the right decisions for me for the first time in my life. The guilt was still there, but much reduced. I started to stand up for myself and paid criticism no heed.

When I met my partner (who was an active alcoholic then but I didn't know it) I realise now I just slipped back into that codependent way of living, and the sense of freedom I had clawed my way to get dissolved and resentment started to build up... almost without me realising it.

I now think (most of the time!) that my RABF is not to blame for this. Yes, he is to blame for the all the horrible things he did to me and to our relationship, and he may have been a big trigger for me to return to these old patterns of thought and behaviour, but it isn't his fault I let him do it and put up with it.

So as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we will always be codependent much like alcoholics will always be alcoholics. It's just that we must strive to avoid slipping back into active codependence. I much prefer see it as Buddhists see it, as per Mike's post, that it's all about learning to live skillfully.