Finally maybe have what it takes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Finally maybe have what it takes
I started this morning thinking that things were going to be different.
I admitted a long time ago of my alcoholism. Some people believed me, others didn't. Some I'm not sure if they cared. I've been to AA before, too reserved within myself to participate fully. I am shy by nature. Always been attracted to alcohol because of that. Other than that, where do I even begin to begin?
I've been more or less functioning, thinking, employed, pretty bright, very thorough... Supporting my mom, and now, my brother (an unadmitted alcoholic)...
I had my first drink when I was 14. I am 31 now. It has definitely progressed. These days, I barely can go one day without drinking. Two is hard. Three is almost unheard of. I got a 60 day chip one time, getting my son back. They took him anyway. (long, painful story, as I did everything requested...) That was 9 years ago.
I don't attribute everything to that, but it's kind of a big deal.
Other than that I went sober for 2 weeks twice since I was 20 or so.
I struggle with depression. (It seems to run in my family.) I've been grateful on mutiple occasions that I didn't own a gun, because I think I would have taken my own life with it while drunk on multiple occasions.
I have a husband, who is great on many different levels, but not so great on others. We have come a long way over the last 10 years and I m hopeful for better things. That is another story for another time. Ultimately, we do not live together and have survived the... loss... of our own children. He is from a different background and hasn't really been able to accept me in his life with his "own family," one of which is a 14 year old boy now. This is a source o pain.
I suspect that he may have unadmitted problems with his own..... addictions.... that do not surface the same way as mine...
I am riddled with mistakes and regrets and yearnings. I want so badly to have a better life, like those who've been able to keep sober.
My life is at hand. It will be my demise should I coninue the way I do. I am inflicted with a (very extensive) list of problems that are caused souly by my alcohol abuse.
Anyway, I finally admitted today JUST how bad things were to my mom... (It's amazing how well one can disguise these things.) I was ready to finally do it... to be clean... to tell them JUST how SICK I really am...
She doesn't know how to react.
I thought that if I could gain their support, I could finally do it... Once and or all...
I called my husband, the most important, most inspirational, and biggest person in my life...
He didn't have the time for me, because, yet again, he was too busy with his... family...
I don't want this to bar my resolutions and realizations....
Please,
HELP me... I am not okay.
And PLEASE do not respond with nothing but judgements, I do not need that right now.
I admitted a long time ago of my alcoholism. Some people believed me, others didn't. Some I'm not sure if they cared. I've been to AA before, too reserved within myself to participate fully. I am shy by nature. Always been attracted to alcohol because of that. Other than that, where do I even begin to begin?
I've been more or less functioning, thinking, employed, pretty bright, very thorough... Supporting my mom, and now, my brother (an unadmitted alcoholic)...
I had my first drink when I was 14. I am 31 now. It has definitely progressed. These days, I barely can go one day without drinking. Two is hard. Three is almost unheard of. I got a 60 day chip one time, getting my son back. They took him anyway. (long, painful story, as I did everything requested...) That was 9 years ago.
I don't attribute everything to that, but it's kind of a big deal.
Other than that I went sober for 2 weeks twice since I was 20 or so.
I struggle with depression. (It seems to run in my family.) I've been grateful on mutiple occasions that I didn't own a gun, because I think I would have taken my own life with it while drunk on multiple occasions.
I have a husband, who is great on many different levels, but not so great on others. We have come a long way over the last 10 years and I m hopeful for better things. That is another story for another time. Ultimately, we do not live together and have survived the... loss... of our own children. He is from a different background and hasn't really been able to accept me in his life with his "own family," one of which is a 14 year old boy now. This is a source o pain.
I suspect that he may have unadmitted problems with his own..... addictions.... that do not surface the same way as mine...
I am riddled with mistakes and regrets and yearnings. I want so badly to have a better life, like those who've been able to keep sober.
My life is at hand. It will be my demise should I coninue the way I do. I am inflicted with a (very extensive) list of problems that are caused souly by my alcohol abuse.
Anyway, I finally admitted today JUST how bad things were to my mom... (It's amazing how well one can disguise these things.) I was ready to finally do it... to be clean... to tell them JUST how SICK I really am...
She doesn't know how to react.
I thought that if I could gain their support, I could finally do it... Once and or all...
I called my husband, the most important, most inspirational, and biggest person in my life...
He didn't have the time for me, because, yet again, he was too busy with his... family...
I don't want this to bar my resolutions and realizations....
Please,
HELP me... I am not okay.
And PLEASE do not respond with nothing but judgements, I do not need that right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR NotSoIvory 
Thank you for sharing your story. I am the same age as you and managed to finally quit drinking with the support of this forum, after trying for 3 + years on my own with no success. I could never even get past one day. It's really hard at first but it does get easier. Glad you're here x
Thank you for sharing your story. I am the same age as you and managed to finally quit drinking with the support of this forum, after trying for 3 + years on my own with no success. I could never even get past one day. It's really hard at first but it does get easier. Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 123
Hi Notsoivory,
Sorry to hear your story and I hope you find all the support andhelp you need here. I too have struggled - the longest I made it was day 42, then I thought it would be okay...
Currently back on day 4 after knowing I had to do something as life and everything was begininng to unravel.
SV x
Sorry to hear your story and I hope you find all the support andhelp you need here. I too have struggled - the longest I made it was day 42, then I thought it would be okay...
Currently back on day 4 after knowing I had to do something as life and everything was begininng to unravel.
SV x
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Immerse yourself in recovery and the support offerd from there and i'm sure things will start to get better .
I'd try not to expect too much from friends and family yet as they might not understand how you feel no matter how much you tell them .
Bestwishes, M
I'd try not to expect too much from friends and family yet as they might not understand how you feel no matter how much you tell them .
Bestwishes, M
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You CAN do this, regardless of the reaction of your family and friends.
I'd encourage you to go back to AA, which is one place where EVERYONE will have your back. You don't have to be a social butterfly. You don't have to speak at every meeting. You just need to connect with a few people who will be there for you, even if you have a bad day at home or if your mom doesn't understand what you are going through.
This time can be different--because this time you can give it all you've got!
I'd encourage you to go back to AA, which is one place where EVERYONE will have your back. You don't have to be a social butterfly. You don't have to speak at every meeting. You just need to connect with a few people who will be there for you, even if you have a bad day at home or if your mom doesn't understand what you are going through.
This time can be different--because this time you can give it all you've got!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome NotSoIvory. I think you'll benefit greatly by being here. My family and friends didn't really understand what was going on with me, either. Here at SR we all know what you've been going through and how hard it is to begin the journey to sobriety.
This is a wonderful place for support and hope. We will encourage, not judge you. Please keep reading and posting. It'll help with the anxiety you're feeling. You can have a new and better life - don't give up trying.
This is a wonderful place for support and hope. We will encourage, not judge you. Please keep reading and posting. It'll help with the anxiety you're feeling. You can have a new and better life - don't give up trying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Thank you mecanix, LexieCat, and Hevyn for your encouragement and helpful insights! I think that I will start going back to AA. It's a lot better alternative to being at home, which is one of my triggers. This is not going to be easy at all. Now that my brother is here, he is drinking every day like a fish. I can not for the life of me get the internal argument to stop. I need to fill the empty space.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: ma
Posts: 242
Welcome notsoivory. It is hard to talk to the important people in your life about your addiction. I called my sister when I chose to get sober. She started talking and 15 minutes later was off the phone and I never told her. When I did have the chance it saw a better time to tell her and she was in a better place to hear it. Don't give up trying to talk to your important people.
posting on SR is a blessing. Being able to write your truths and not be judged is a gift. It has helped me learn a lot about myself and my disease.
I hope you can find peace. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth a better life.
posting on SR is a blessing. Being able to write your truths and not be judged is a gift. It has helped me learn a lot about myself and my disease.
I hope you can find peace. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth a better life.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 124
Dee is so right. Hang in there. Early recovery is the worst. You will make it. They have great people on here who are just like me and you. Believe what they say and take some advice. Life seems so rough right now, but it will get better. It will only get worse if you dont change.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
welcome notsoivory I could relate to your post...a lot of my problems came from my drinking. I am now 69 days sober with the help of SR and AA. It's just amazing to me as I haven't gone this long in awhile. I still am cleaning up some of the mess I caused while drinking but doing it sober is the most wonderful gift I have given myself. Keep reading and posting on here, glad you found us
I could relate to your post...a lot of my problems came from my drinking. I am now 69 days sober with the help of SR and AA. It's just amazing to me as I haven't gone this long in awhile. I still am cleaning up some of the mess I caused while drinking but doing it sober is the most wonderful gift I have given myself. Keep reading and posting on here, glad you found us Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Welcome to SR!!!
My drinking turned into an every day habit as well, and I finally decided to make changes this past October. This site has been my greatest support, and I stayed very close those first few days. Each day gets a little easier, try to find something to occupy the time you would have spent drinking, it really does help.
Looking forward to hearing about your journey!!
My drinking turned into an every day habit as well, and I finally decided to make changes this past October. This site has been my greatest support, and I stayed very close those first few days. Each day gets a little easier, try to find something to occupy the time you would have spent drinking, it really does help.
Looking forward to hearing about your journey!!
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Welcome
Please dont worry about folks here being judgmental as we are all in the same boat together and will give you nothing but honest, positive feedback.
Please try to find a program that can help you. AA would be a good start.
You've made the best decision of your life and we are here to help you follow through.
Remember that we never close
Please try to find a program that can help you. AA would be a good start.
You've made the best decision of your life and we are here to help you follow through.
Remember that we never close
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