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Ending the madness

Old 01-20-2013, 09:08 PM
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Ending the madness

"I won't drink..."

"Maybe the bar will have something non-alcoholic, or I'll just get club soda with a lime..."

"Oh, well... I'll have one, but JUST ONE... whatever the lightest beer they have is..."

Next thing I know, I've been to 3 bars, had 10 beers, and am doing shots of vodka.

Then I drive to a party and drink more.

I wake up at 2PM and see I have 18 missed messages and about 20 missed calls.

The messages are from a marine saying he knows where I live and he is going to put a bullet in my head for what I've done.

I have no idea who this person is who is threatening my life, only that he knows my name and I apparently called him 5 times at around 4-5AM.

No idea who he is or why he wants to kill me.

I put on a pair of dark Vuarnet sunglasses, the type for arctic activities that block light incredibly well. I stumble out of bed and see my path of destruction - clothes, bottles, trash, blood.

I "walk" around the neighborhood trying to find my car, wondering if someone dropped me off or if I actually drove home. There it is!

Ah, how exciting - the car is unlocked, there are french fries and trash everywhere, an open can of Busch (lovely), money thrown all over the place, and the windows are down. My $3,000 laptop is sitting on the passenger seat.

I find my phones... YES! They aren't broken! Every time I get drunk, I typically throw my phones at walls, so this was a great relief.

I do the walk around - wow... no damage to the car. My Ray Bans are definitely missing, but that is chump change compared to the unfathomable costs I've incurred due to drinking and never getting caught or suffering major consequences.

Then the phone calls start rolling in. "Man, you called me at 5AM. You were SO wasted, dude. What are you on? Are you OK?"

My brother calls to tell me he is celebrating his first anniversary of sobriety, after being an alcoholic for decades. It is unfortunate that I am slurring my speech at 2PM while congratulating him.

This is my life as a high functioning alcoholic.

I've lied to everyone. I've wrecked perhaps 7 cars due to drunk driving and have never been apprehended.

"Hon! Someone must have hit my car in the parking lot AGAIN!"

It is always frightening going to Progressive and having to make up a story when I HAVE NO IDEA why the back end of my new car is missing.

Thousands of dollars in damage to phones, cars, watches, glasses... and much worse, betraying my family, my friends, lying, hiding, slitting my wrists in a drunken rage, driving with my eyes closed, waking up in a suit in a running shower with blood all over me... infidelity, fights with bouncers, screaming at police, stealing from stores, peeing in the middle of a hotel lobby, throwing laptops at walls for fun...

Believe it or not, this is just the beginning. It would take a year to talk about all of the possessions I have destroyed, all of the lives I've ruined, and all of the friends I've lost.

And somehow, I have never been arrested, never hit anyone else with my car (usually just poles and gates and curbs)... I just take a Clonopin, throw up a few times, and then pretend nothing happened.

It has to end now. I'm begging for help. I am going to kill someone or kill myself. The drunk me is not the real me. It is a maniac, a psychopath who does everything possible to hurt himself and others without mercy.

Help me.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:31 PM
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Kefka,

Lots of people here know exactly how you feel. Somebody mentioned the other day that if they kept drinking they would eventually go insane. To a non-addict that probably doesn't make much sense, but it really struck a chord with me.

I remember watching an episode of Dexter where he had been up all night causing mayhem and killing people, arrived home at 6AM in the morning, fit in an hour of sleep, and then went to work trying to pretend as hard as possible that nothing was wrong. Minus the killing of course, that fit my life to a tee for ten years. The mental strain of living that way was overwhelming.

I too have hundreds of unspeakable, unimaginable stories and yet somehow never managed to get arrested (although after being thrown through a window after trying to skip out my tab I did have to visit the police station). Scary thing was during that time I never even once contemplated sobriety. Thought it was something I just wasn't capable of off.

If I can put together 2.5 months of sobriety anybody can. And funny enough, life becomes a whole lot more manageable and a whole lot less insane. This place has helped me tons, hope you stick around and it can do the same for you.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:40 PM
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Thanks Nomis. Your experience sounds really similar. Working for an investment bank, I am amazed that I am allowed to be in the room, and that I get glowing reviews from managers and colleagues... riding on hubris, I've been SOOOOO lucky that I am not dead or in prison, but sometimes I almost wish I WERE in prison, to save myself and others from pain.

I will definitely try to incorporate this site into my treatment plan. Trying to "get real" with my wife and convince her that I am a full blown addict to anything I can get my hands on, but mainly alcohol.

To give you an example of my uphill battle, having compartmentalized my life to such an extreme and having lied so eloquently for SO long, my wife doesn't seem to understand when I tell her I never want to drink alcohol again; she thinks I am overreacting. This should be a testament to how compelling my deception - my double-life - has been.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:40 PM
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Kefka, I am somewhat new here as well yet I can tell you this admitting you have a problem is a huge step. Great job. You are at the right place. spend a lot of time here reading as much as can. You will be surprised how many stories sound just like yours. one day at a time. you can do this it is hard but well worth it.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:44 PM
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to SR! We are here to support you in your goal of staying sober. There are many ways to stay sober: AA or other programs, counseling, and this site, just to name a few.

It sounds like you've been blessed so far not to have gotten a DUI or killed yourself or someone else while drunk. Now can be your time to stop the damage and start a better sober life. It starts by not drinking today, just for today don't drink. Tomorrow do the same.

I wish you the best in rebuilding your life.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:47 PM
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You need to write a book. Confessions of an Alcoholic. Stay sober my friend.
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:48 PM
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I have my fair share of stories as well. Not one criminal conviction in my life. I felt like I was going insane and psychotic before I got sober. Wound up in hospitals begging for help..

have you looked into various recovery options? What's your plan?
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Old 01-20-2013, 09:48 PM
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Kefka, I almost want to not feel sorry for you, but I do. Pity won't get you sober, replace lost or damaged possesions or gain back relationships.
You sound like you know your days of dodging bullets of various kinds are coming to an end one way or another.
A drunken suicide attempt becomes successful, you get your a$$ kicked into a coma, a usually uneventful drunken car ride becomes the end of your life or someone else's at worst, an expensive stint through the legal system that may include jail time.
I needed to stop because I can't function the way I need to.
I hope you find peace soon, it sucks at first - OK it still sucks, but not as bad as the alternative.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:04 PM
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I don't have the dramatic stories that you share there, but one thing I do share having had that utter desperation of either wanting to end it all or knowing that I might end up jail because I killed someone. Drunks either get covered up, locked up or sobered up.

But the one thing I most identify is the compartmentalizing. I was able to split into so many factions that lying was easy, drinking in secret was easy, cheating was easy, stealing was easy...or so it seemed easy. All that stuff - the guilt, the shame, the dishonesty, etc. all ate my lunch big time. I could only keep those different parts of me separated only so long. It wasn't until I couldn't do it anymore and that my life was falling apart on all levels, that I realized the jig was up. I got as far as I could, I ran as much as I could and hid as much as I could, and there I was - still stuck with me. I was done.

It was from that moment on that I got into detox, treatment and into AA. I haven't had a drink since, and I have started to be whole again. I am not fragmented, I am learning to be myself, learning what myself is and it's been an amazing journey.

I hope you find your journey of sobriety, which ever way you seek it.

And yes, I would like to read that book if you ever wrote it.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Twenties View Post
have you looked into various recovery options? What's your plan?
No idea what to do yet... that is why I joined the site =) Whatever it is, I feel like I will have to go at it alone. I feel like I am the resident psychologist for my friends and family, so usually other people come to ME for help. My job situation is also sensitive so I have to be very careful about what I say, what I do... for instance, going to some rehab center just isn't going to happen. I have to do the research and solve the problem on my own.

I am thinking of going to see a therapist, modifying my diet, etc... Considering going to a doctor and spilling the beans, see what he or she advises... I'm sure this forum has some great advice.

I have watched many friends die from drugs and alcohol. I do not want to join them.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:09 PM
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Also, just saw the film "Flight" which was pretty inspiring to me. It is amazing how many similarities I feel I have with Denzel's character... I am blown away by the actions and idiosyncrasies he displays; they are so similar to me and the many addicts (basically all of my friends) I know. It sucks to wake up and realize that all of your friends are just like you and enable and laud your self-destructive behavior @_@
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:14 PM
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Keeping it simple!
 
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I think going to your doctor is an excellent idea and a great start.

You need help and right now you can't do it on your own. Most of us can't. Have you reached out to your brother?

The madness ends when you say it ends. It seems to me that you have had enough.
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