All Set (Almost)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Nevada
Posts: 2
All Set (Almost)
I've been reading over a lot of threads for about a week now and finally think I am ready to post.
I (24) have decided to leave my ABF (21).
My five month old and I are going to stay with a friend until I get on my feet. I'm going to leave a handwritten letter with the basics and it is going to direct him to a more complete e-mail.
We currently live with his father (also A) and his 12 year old sister (I haven't yet decided what, if any, actions I am going to attempt on her behalf. I plan to also write her a letter giving what support I can think of.)
DS has a round of shots to catch up on this week and I think that is the most optimal time since my friend is going to provide the ride and he will be at work and his family is most likely not going to find the letter first...
I guess I am just looking for suggestion on the e-mail. I think it's pretty much complete but, would love feedback.
I am so glad this forum exists.
Here it is [sorry about length]:
You are an adult and free to make your own decisions. As am I.
First off, I am appreciative of having had somewhere to live. Thank you.
I find that I am no longer comfortable living in this environment. The purchase of alcohol is wasteful and leaves no opportunity to make a better life for DS. Also, being around alcohol makes me want to drink and I don't need the encouragement. I can't just have one drink and I do not need to get drunk around an infant. Plus I find myself more and more hesitant to seek breaks from caring for DS when I know either you or your father have been drinking.
I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to you about this. This isn't a spur of the moment idea. I care about you and am not doing this out of spite or anger. I am, however, beginning to become disgusted by your actions. I have also lost a substantial amount of respect for you. That probably has quite a bit to do with it. Neither one of us needs that. I don't feel hate, pity, resentment, fear, or anything else towards you except for the desire to see you better yourself but I cannot make that happen.
I need a partner. Not somebody who seems to have a beer on his mind upon waking or gets angry when I try to reasonably address what I perceive to be problems. I don't see enough in common in the way we currently want to live our lives for us to date (or whatever it is you would call what we are doing) again.
I need to put DS first and I do not want him growing up thinking it is okay to drink all day (or every day). I also do not want roughly $300 a month going to something that doesn't do any of us any good.
I've looked into alcohol support groups for family and friends of the alcohol dependent, and one of their main sayings is "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it." In fact, the main advice I've gotten out of it has been to put my needs (and those of anyone depending on me) first. That is what I am doing.
I am going to look into family court within the next couple of weeks and will share what useful information I find before I make an effort to file anything.
I very much want you to be a part of DS's life. Just not with a constant desire to drink. For the time being, whatever arrangement we come to in regards to DS, I am going to request the right to breathalyze you before he is left in your care. (I'm going to look into the same for your father so long as you are living with him.) We will also come to some sort of agreement about good times to visit depending on our living arrangements as they evolve.
If you would like, you can think of this as a quarter-life crisis. I am going to be 25 years old soon. I do not need to live with anybody's parent. I am a parent. I do not need to be held back by anyone's decisions but my own. I need to raise a child to the best of my ability.
As I said in the written letter, I really do wish you well and want you to seek help if you find you need it.
Please seek sobriety. For your health, your family, and your bank account...
If you were to buy one 12 pack of [Insert his brand here] per day, per month, you would spend $297.90 (one 12 pack = $9.93)...
Here are 10 alternative purchases you can make for $297.90:
1) 4 full price video GAMES @ $61 a piece
2) 4 YEARS of XBOX LIVE @ $60 a year
3) 6 MONTHS of phone service @ $45 a month
4) 12 MONTHS of Game rentals @ $24 a month
5) 35 MONTHS of two different types of internet tv @ $8.50 a month
6) 39 PACKAGES of diapers @ $7.50 a package
7) 74 PACKAGES of baby wipes @ $4 a package
8) 85 GALLONS of gas @ $3.50 a gallon
9) 94 PACKS of cigarettes @ $3.14 a pack
10) 99 POUNDS of hot wings @ $3 a pound
Or you can spend $297.90 on 144 oz. of beer. Every day. For 30 days...
I (24) have decided to leave my ABF (21).
My five month old and I are going to stay with a friend until I get on my feet. I'm going to leave a handwritten letter with the basics and it is going to direct him to a more complete e-mail.
We currently live with his father (also A) and his 12 year old sister (I haven't yet decided what, if any, actions I am going to attempt on her behalf. I plan to also write her a letter giving what support I can think of.)
DS has a round of shots to catch up on this week and I think that is the most optimal time since my friend is going to provide the ride and he will be at work and his family is most likely not going to find the letter first...
I guess I am just looking for suggestion on the e-mail. I think it's pretty much complete but, would love feedback.
I am so glad this forum exists.
Here it is [sorry about length]:
You are an adult and free to make your own decisions. As am I.
First off, I am appreciative of having had somewhere to live. Thank you.
I find that I am no longer comfortable living in this environment. The purchase of alcohol is wasteful and leaves no opportunity to make a better life for DS. Also, being around alcohol makes me want to drink and I don't need the encouragement. I can't just have one drink and I do not need to get drunk around an infant. Plus I find myself more and more hesitant to seek breaks from caring for DS when I know either you or your father have been drinking.
I have tried on numerous occasions to talk to you about this. This isn't a spur of the moment idea. I care about you and am not doing this out of spite or anger. I am, however, beginning to become disgusted by your actions. I have also lost a substantial amount of respect for you. That probably has quite a bit to do with it. Neither one of us needs that. I don't feel hate, pity, resentment, fear, or anything else towards you except for the desire to see you better yourself but I cannot make that happen.
I need a partner. Not somebody who seems to have a beer on his mind upon waking or gets angry when I try to reasonably address what I perceive to be problems. I don't see enough in common in the way we currently want to live our lives for us to date (or whatever it is you would call what we are doing) again.
I need to put DS first and I do not want him growing up thinking it is okay to drink all day (or every day). I also do not want roughly $300 a month going to something that doesn't do any of us any good.
I've looked into alcohol support groups for family and friends of the alcohol dependent, and one of their main sayings is "You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it." In fact, the main advice I've gotten out of it has been to put my needs (and those of anyone depending on me) first. That is what I am doing.
I am going to look into family court within the next couple of weeks and will share what useful information I find before I make an effort to file anything.
I very much want you to be a part of DS's life. Just not with a constant desire to drink. For the time being, whatever arrangement we come to in regards to DS, I am going to request the right to breathalyze you before he is left in your care. (I'm going to look into the same for your father so long as you are living with him.) We will also come to some sort of agreement about good times to visit depending on our living arrangements as they evolve.
If you would like, you can think of this as a quarter-life crisis. I am going to be 25 years old soon. I do not need to live with anybody's parent. I am a parent. I do not need to be held back by anyone's decisions but my own. I need to raise a child to the best of my ability.
As I said in the written letter, I really do wish you well and want you to seek help if you find you need it.
Please seek sobriety. For your health, your family, and your bank account...
If you were to buy one 12 pack of [Insert his brand here] per day, per month, you would spend $297.90 (one 12 pack = $9.93)...
Here are 10 alternative purchases you can make for $297.90:
1) 4 full price video GAMES @ $61 a piece
2) 4 YEARS of XBOX LIVE @ $60 a year
3) 6 MONTHS of phone service @ $45 a month
4) 12 MONTHS of Game rentals @ $24 a month
5) 35 MONTHS of two different types of internet tv @ $8.50 a month
6) 39 PACKAGES of diapers @ $7.50 a package
7) 74 PACKAGES of baby wipes @ $4 a package
8) 85 GALLONS of gas @ $3.50 a gallon
9) 94 PACKS of cigarettes @ $3.14 a pack
10) 99 POUNDS of hot wings @ $3 a pound
Or you can spend $297.90 on 144 oz. of beer. Every day. For 30 days...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You asked for feedback, so here is mine.
I think you go into a lot of unnecessary guilt-tripping. I don't think that will have the effect that you probably hope it will have.
I would stick to the facts. I'm assuming you have already had many conversations about his drinking--how much it costs, how much it upsets you, how concerned you are about your son's being in this environment. All you really need to say is that you've left, that it is because of the drinking, and any essential information about your child and what provisions you intend to make for him to see the child. The rest comes off as haranguing.
At this point, I'm assuming you have said what you wanted to say. I don't see where leaving it in writing is to your advantage or will help him. When you file for custody/support you can put in the facts about his drinking. That is the proper place for it.
Just my opinion.
Are you going to Al-Anon?
I think you go into a lot of unnecessary guilt-tripping. I don't think that will have the effect that you probably hope it will have.
I would stick to the facts. I'm assuming you have already had many conversations about his drinking--how much it costs, how much it upsets you, how concerned you are about your son's being in this environment. All you really need to say is that you've left, that it is because of the drinking, and any essential information about your child and what provisions you intend to make for him to see the child. The rest comes off as haranguing.
At this point, I'm assuming you have said what you wanted to say. I don't see where leaving it in writing is to your advantage or will help him. When you file for custody/support you can put in the facts about his drinking. That is the proper place for it.
Just my opinion.
Are you going to Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Wow, I think your plan to remove you and your son from an alcoholic household is an evolved one!
Have you come across Gabor Mate's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"? I wish I'd read it 15 years ago. Anyway, there is a chapter in there that describes the very real damage done to very young children who don't get their needs met by an alcoholic parent (prefrontal cortex) and leaves them almost predestined to repeat the patterns of their parent's addictive behavior because their prefrontal cortex does not develop properly. You are doing the right thing for your kid!!!
You are also doing the right thing for yourself, IMO. No one should ever have to go through the agony of living with an alcoholic - and believe me the experience only gets worse as time goes by.
As to the note: I tried that with my alcoholic husband of 15 years, in part because he never seemed to HEAR me when I would tell him that the alcohol was causing all manner of problems. IMO it was like shaking your fist at the sky - same end result (nothing, except maybe a little catharsis, if that). I don't think they really understand (or care, because their first love is their drug of choice) how badly and how much they effect other people. I thought, if he had it on paper, he could look at it and realize that he should make a change.
HA HA HA HA! Did not work at all for me... Again, a bit like shaking one's fist at the sky. Were I in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I might write a few more of those letters if I needed to vent, but I would never give them to him, because it creates expectations on your part which are bound to be dashed.
Moving out and taking your kid *IS* your letter to him! It is the best message - consequences.
IMO, keep doing what you're doing as far as moving out! You are a wise 25, and obviously a good parent because you give a crap about how the insanity of an alcoholic lifestyle is going to effect your kid. AND yourself!
(((Cyber hug))) to you, I know it isn't easy.
Have you come across Gabor Mate's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"? I wish I'd read it 15 years ago. Anyway, there is a chapter in there that describes the very real damage done to very young children who don't get their needs met by an alcoholic parent (prefrontal cortex) and leaves them almost predestined to repeat the patterns of their parent's addictive behavior because their prefrontal cortex does not develop properly. You are doing the right thing for your kid!!!
You are also doing the right thing for yourself, IMO. No one should ever have to go through the agony of living with an alcoholic - and believe me the experience only gets worse as time goes by.
As to the note: I tried that with my alcoholic husband of 15 years, in part because he never seemed to HEAR me when I would tell him that the alcohol was causing all manner of problems. IMO it was like shaking your fist at the sky - same end result (nothing, except maybe a little catharsis, if that). I don't think they really understand (or care, because their first love is their drug of choice) how badly and how much they effect other people. I thought, if he had it on paper, he could look at it and realize that he should make a change.
HA HA HA HA! Did not work at all for me... Again, a bit like shaking one's fist at the sky. Were I in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I might write a few more of those letters if I needed to vent, but I would never give them to him, because it creates expectations on your part which are bound to be dashed.
Moving out and taking your kid *IS* your letter to him! It is the best message - consequences.
IMO, keep doing what you're doing as far as moving out! You are a wise 25, and obviously a good parent because you give a crap about how the insanity of an alcoholic lifestyle is going to effect your kid. AND yourself!
(((Cyber hug))) to you, I know it isn't easy.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR Family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I think your plan of removing yourself and your child from active alcoholism is a great plan.
I removed myself and my children from active alcoholism, and I was better able to focus on our needs. I was able to do that because our home became a more peaceful, loving environment.
I encourage you to follow through with a visit to family court, but more for yourself than for your partner. He is an adult and can get his own information. I also recommend a free consultation (or more) with a lawyer to determine what your rights are in your situation.
A lawyer will let you know what the standard practices are for your community. A lawyer can also advise you on how to handle visitation with an active alcoholic.
Your idea to breathalize prior to leaving your son is admirable. The loop hole is that the alcoholics can abstain from drinking prior to the administration of the breathalizer and pick up drinking as soon as you leave. Unfortunately, just as you are powerless to control their behavior now.....so shall you be when you leave that environment.
I found that letting the court set up standard visitation schedules on paper was sufficient. My ex and I had already reached agreement that visitation would occur when their schedule allowed. In other words, when they didn't have better plans, or work obligations, or hangover; they could schedule a visit. I realized I couldn't make a irresponsible parent become an active, responsible parent while we were married ~ and I sure wasn't going to be able to change that when we divorced. More time for me with the kids!
I enjoy spending time with my kids. I like it better this way.
Stick around, we are here to support you.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I think your plan of removing yourself and your child from active alcoholism is a great plan.
I removed myself and my children from active alcoholism, and I was better able to focus on our needs. I was able to do that because our home became a more peaceful, loving environment.
I encourage you to follow through with a visit to family court, but more for yourself than for your partner. He is an adult and can get his own information. I also recommend a free consultation (or more) with a lawyer to determine what your rights are in your situation.
A lawyer will let you know what the standard practices are for your community. A lawyer can also advise you on how to handle visitation with an active alcoholic.
Your idea to breathalize prior to leaving your son is admirable. The loop hole is that the alcoholics can abstain from drinking prior to the administration of the breathalizer and pick up drinking as soon as you leave. Unfortunately, just as you are powerless to control their behavior now.....so shall you be when you leave that environment.
I found that letting the court set up standard visitation schedules on paper was sufficient. My ex and I had already reached agreement that visitation would occur when their schedule allowed. In other words, when they didn't have better plans, or work obligations, or hangover; they could schedule a visit. I realized I couldn't make a irresponsible parent become an active, responsible parent while we were married ~ and I sure wasn't going to be able to change that when we divorced. More time for me with the kids!
I enjoy spending time with my kids. I like it better this way.
Stick around, we are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
The letter you write and any other communications will soon be admitted in court. Your son is not yours alone and that letter would be a good tool for a competent attorney to make you look bad.
Talk to an attorney, no offense but writing out big speeches on your way to Court... You are going to hurt yourself.
Talk to an attorney, no offense but writing out big speeches on your way to Court... You are going to hurt yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I would just tell him that the relationship is over and you and the baby have to move on.
Now whether he wants to be a part of that is up to him. Go for childsupport and figure out a way for him to see him. If his drinking is sooooooo important, he may not even come around. I've mothered 2 infants and they are a lot of work. He may realize (for him) that the baby gets in his way of drinking. Only time will tell but do seek child support! If he has to pay $300 a month then he'll either quit drinking or find another job to support his habit and then you can take him back for more CS if he gets another job.
Don't let that baby suffer without support because you find sympathy in your heart for him. If sympathy is a feeling you are having, it needs to be for your baby and no one else. Good Luck and ditch the letter! Least you aren't married!
Now whether he wants to be a part of that is up to him. Go for childsupport and figure out a way for him to see him. If his drinking is sooooooo important, he may not even come around. I've mothered 2 infants and they are a lot of work. He may realize (for him) that the baby gets in his way of drinking. Only time will tell but do seek child support! If he has to pay $300 a month then he'll either quit drinking or find another job to support his habit and then you can take him back for more CS if he gets another job.
Don't let that baby suffer without support because you find sympathy in your heart for him. If sympathy is a feeling you are having, it needs to be for your baby and no one else. Good Luck and ditch the letter! Least you aren't married!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Nevada
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much! I didn't even realize how condescending (and slightly crazy haha) that sounded til I reread it.
I've never had to deal with court of any kind so I was assuming the whole documenting thing would be a good start beforehand but, thinking about it now, that just seems kind of silly. After all, actions are louder and a bunch of babble on my part probably won't do any good.
I think I need to start up a journal again. I forgot how to talk to myself over the past few years...
I've never had to deal with court of any kind so I was assuming the whole documenting thing would be a good start beforehand but, thinking about it now, that just seems kind of silly. After all, actions are louder and a bunch of babble on my part probably won't do any good.
I think I need to start up a journal again. I forgot how to talk to myself over the past few years...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Viothyst 
Thank you all so much! I didn't even realize how condescending (and slightly crazy haha) that sounded til I reread it.
I've never had to deal with court of any kind so I was assuming the whole documenting thing would be a good start beforehand but, thinking about it now, that just seems kind of silly. After all, actions are louder and a bunch of babble on my part probably won't do any good.
I think I need to start up a journal again. I forgot how to talk to myself over the past few years...
I've never had to deal with court of any kind so I was assuming the whole documenting thing would be a good start beforehand but, thinking about it now, that just seems kind of silly. After all, actions are louder and a bunch of babble on my part probably won't do any good.
I think I need to start up a journal again. I forgot how to talk to myself over the past few years...
Vent here, vent in journal, no no no no venting at him. Documenting means date, time, what happened and leave out the commentary!!! Let the facts lead to the right conclusion, don't help them along ;-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR
I think you are doing the right thing & its great you are choosing a healthy option for yourself & your child.
Just one thing, don't expect the ABF to take kindly to anything you put in that letter. There's a good chance it will create anger, blame, denial etc etc.
I found learning a lot about alcoholism helped me.
Post as much as you like, we are here for you.
I think you are doing the right thing & its great you are choosing a healthy option for yourself & your child.
Just one thing, don't expect the ABF to take kindly to anything you put in that letter. There's a good chance it will create anger, blame, denial etc etc.
I found learning a lot about alcoholism helped me.
Post as much as you like, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
As Pohsfriend said...
The facts Mam, and only the facts.
Think of it as writing a work report on someone stealing or breaking and entering. Leave out all the drama because a PO or Boss doesn't want to sift through all that ******** to find out Who, What, When, Where... It's good sound advice for anyone who is currently documenting.
The facts Mam, and only the facts.
Think of it as writing a work report on someone stealing or breaking and entering. Leave out all the drama because a PO or Boss doesn't want to sift through all that ******** to find out Who, What, When, Where... It's good sound advice for anyone who is currently documenting.
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