Keeping the Focus on Me
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Keeping the Focus on Me
I don't want to go into too much detail, but had a conversation with my alcoholic grandson today that replicated a pattern - basically he wanted something, feels entitled, and I said "no" in a round-about way . . .(cannot just say "no" have to couch it as "I am re-evaluating . . (whatever)."
He hung up angry and I had some abandonment issues surface. He is the only person left on this earth in my family that I feel a great love for. My family is made up of "difficult people" of one kind of another and most of them have betrayed me with no apologies.
My grandson does have a habit of acting out towards me but usually apologizes and I accept it because I love him and don't want to hold grudges. I am also very idealistic and hopeful and keep thinking he is growing up (he is 19) or that he is doing better in recovery.
But the pattern of him demanding stuff, expecting it, and getting angry is relatively new - I didn't know before a year-and-a-half (give or take) that he was alcoholic, so I had always tried to "be there" for him and provide him with "basics" while he was in school.
So this happened this morning around 10:00 and it is 2:00-something where I live . . . I cried a bit, took a shower, listened to some inspirational stuff on YouTube and then took the dog and went to the beach - just got back. Now I am going to do some painting outside.
I am trying to focus on myself - and on my walk I talked to my inner child, who had a lot to say when I told her I was going to take care of her.
One of my big issues is just not having a loving family - when I think of that, it just devastates me every time. I can't seem to get over the fact that I don't have family members who love me.
I know with my grandson his actions say more about him than me, BUT that also causes pain because I helped raise him and I thought that all of the care and love I gave him would have resulted in a caring, loving being, in return. I don't understand his animosity and hostility towards me and I know it is a dead end to try to figure out WHY he would be hateful to the one person who has always "been there" for him, through thick and thin.
Anyway, so I am trying to nurture myself and not go into a meltdown . . . I know there is nothing I can do to help him besides pray for him. I can't educate him on "right versus wrong." Telling him that he hurt my feelings has no effect because apparently he does not care (I always thought he did) - and I can't take that personally because I truly feel I DESERVE love and respect - I am just not going to get it from him and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's heartbreaking when people can't be healthy enough to be loving. It's also really confusing when they are "working a program" and going to church and still being mean.
I just need some hugs.
I am not going to Alanon, so please don't suggest that (that seems to be standard, so I just thought I would mention it).
He hung up angry and I had some abandonment issues surface. He is the only person left on this earth in my family that I feel a great love for. My family is made up of "difficult people" of one kind of another and most of them have betrayed me with no apologies.
My grandson does have a habit of acting out towards me but usually apologizes and I accept it because I love him and don't want to hold grudges. I am also very idealistic and hopeful and keep thinking he is growing up (he is 19) or that he is doing better in recovery.
But the pattern of him demanding stuff, expecting it, and getting angry is relatively new - I didn't know before a year-and-a-half (give or take) that he was alcoholic, so I had always tried to "be there" for him and provide him with "basics" while he was in school.
So this happened this morning around 10:00 and it is 2:00-something where I live . . . I cried a bit, took a shower, listened to some inspirational stuff on YouTube and then took the dog and went to the beach - just got back. Now I am going to do some painting outside.
I am trying to focus on myself - and on my walk I talked to my inner child, who had a lot to say when I told her I was going to take care of her.
One of my big issues is just not having a loving family - when I think of that, it just devastates me every time. I can't seem to get over the fact that I don't have family members who love me.
I know with my grandson his actions say more about him than me, BUT that also causes pain because I helped raise him and I thought that all of the care and love I gave him would have resulted in a caring, loving being, in return. I don't understand his animosity and hostility towards me and I know it is a dead end to try to figure out WHY he would be hateful to the one person who has always "been there" for him, through thick and thin.
Anyway, so I am trying to nurture myself and not go into a meltdown . . . I know there is nothing I can do to help him besides pray for him. I can't educate him on "right versus wrong." Telling him that he hurt my feelings has no effect because apparently he does not care (I always thought he did) - and I can't take that personally because I truly feel I DESERVE love and respect - I am just not going to get it from him and there is nothing I can do about it.
It's heartbreaking when people can't be healthy enough to be loving. It's also really confusing when they are "working a program" and going to church and still being mean.
I just need some hugs.
I am not going to Alanon, so please don't suggest that (that seems to be standard, so I just thought I would mention it).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Thank you. I am doing better than usual 
Right now I am having a little crying jag - just sad that he is so mean, doesn't value me, has bad judgment (what he was asking me for, from my perspective, shows bad judgment), etc.
I saw a CD of him as a child (around 11) and he was so sweet. I am mystified as to where that sweet boy went.
There are a couple of mean people in my family who were sweet children.
Anyway, I think this entire incident is huge for me.
I am also angry underneath the tears.
Right now I am having a little crying jag - just sad that he is so mean, doesn't value me, has bad judgment (what he was asking me for, from my perspective, shows bad judgment), etc.
I saw a CD of him as a child (around 11) and he was so sweet. I am mystified as to where that sweet boy went.
There are a couple of mean people in my family who were sweet children.
Anyway, I think this entire incident is huge for me.
I am also angry underneath the tears.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sounds typical to me. This will pass. In the meantime try not to let his immature behavior/tone get the best of you.
Have to remember he is at that "it's all about me and my happiness" age.... glad to hear is is still in recovery, stay focused on the positive.
Have to remember he is at that "it's all about me and my happiness" age.... glad to hear is is still in recovery, stay focused on the positive.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Hi seek....
Sounds like plain. Ol'. Crappy. Rotten. Grief.
I can just see what I went through, in you. Now that I've generated more strength in myself, and had more time past, I feel more distance and more understanding.
So yeah, just wanted to say that it looks like you're doing well. It's such a damn painful and individual process. Going through grief, mean. I'm sure you know; probably read about it. That's just intellectual, but when you're experiencing it, it's so damn HARD.
Yep, I know......
Hugs.
Sounds like plain. Ol'. Crappy. Rotten. Grief.
I can just see what I went through, in you. Now that I've generated more strength in myself, and had more time past, I feel more distance and more understanding.
So yeah, just wanted to say that it looks like you're doing well. It's such a damn painful and individual process. Going through grief, mean. I'm sure you know; probably read about it. That's just intellectual, but when you're experiencing it, it's so damn HARD.
Yep, I know......
Hugs.
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